AIBU about Husband's Anniversary Toast & Christmas Present

Now, I am so sad everyday. Please don't be - there is so much more to a marriage than how special events are celebrated.

To be honest these are the sort of things my OH would have done as a joke.

He made no secret of the fact that he felt under pressure to come up with a suitable gift on these occasions, so I told him that giving should be a pleasure and if he was finding it stressful then maybe just get me some flowers - he did suffer from anxiety. So that is what he did - except occasionally he would come up with something different if he happened to have seen it somewhere and thought I might like it - sometimes I would have preferred flowers to what he came up with!

I admit to having been a bit hurt at his retirement from his GP practice (at the age of 42 because of his anxiety) when in his speech he made no mention of me at all - the only reason he was able to retire at all was because I had taken up more work and had supported him in the decision in spite of the huge upset it caused to all the family - moving house to release capital, school implications etc. I did think there might have been passing reference to thanking luckygirl for her support etc. - but hey ho, I got over it.

notgran

Yes I agree with the other posters. You just have to speak to him about asap it not ask GRANSNET.

Why not ask GN?

I thought the whole purpose of AIBU was to air grievances / 'situations' like this with a group of people who might be well placed to understand such issues. And judging by the comments, they do.

Obviously the OP needs to talk to her OH, but it probably helped her to hear what others thought. Sometimes it's really useful to get strangers' points of view to counteract your own subjective thoughts and feelings - because they look at things more objectively.

BTW, he is definitely not having an affair. We are together almost 24/7.

Thank you again, Everyone. All suggestions and thoughts have been very helpful.

MayBeMaw

Notgran Fri 07-Jan-22 08:01:42
Yes I agree with the other posters. You just have to speak to him about asap it not ask GRANSNET. In future regarding Christmas and Birthday presents if it is a big deal to you then you have to tell him what you want

This is harsh Notgran. I agree that OP and her husband need to have the conversation, but not ask Gransnet ? It may be difficult for OP to raise this with family or close friends without feeling disloyal, and there are clearly those, like Annsixty who speak from experience and can suggest underlying health issues, rather than some “hidden agenda” or just short sightedness in the issue of present giving.
Isn’t offering help, support and even advice what we are here for as an online community?

Totally agree MayBeMaw. Also, we are all different and therefore respond in different ways to things that do, or don't, happen in our lives - including accepting the loss of much loved family traditions. Which is what I had to remind myself when I read the response from Notgran...

You might also look at liver disease. I have just discovered that my partner, whose behaviour has changed quite a lot over the years has some sort of problem with his liver - it's being investigated so we don't know yet what it is - but the consultant did say that it can affect the way the brain functions.

Very sad to hear this ss1024, but it would explain the change in his behaviour. I imagine he will be reluctant to see his GP, as this is such a sensitive issue. There are many gransnetters who have experience with this, so please ask for their support, as they are mostly kind and sympathetic.

I am starting to think that he is in the very early stages of Alzheimers or Dementia. A new incident occurred where he got very angry over the way I was decorating my own birthday breakfast cake to share with our family. I pointed out that he was overreacting and that there must be something else that is irritating him (perhaps his foot that he dropped a board on earlier in the day). Later that evening, he apologized and said that it was "grumpy old man syndrome". Thank you all for listening and providing insight.

Have you asked family or friends if they've noticed any difference in your husband?
He may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's/dementia.
Or, does he have a waterworks infection, as that can lead to all sorts of problems with what is going on in his head?!
And here comes the untasteful part, and I am so sorry, but do you think he may be having or considering an affair? If he is distracted by another woman, maybe someone who has been friendly - not necessarily meaning anything by it - he may be taking that as a sign that she is interested!!
But please ask family and friends if they've noticed anything strange about him, and do not assume I am correct about an affair as I could be (am hoping I'm) so wrong, but as it entered my mind I'm sure others have thought it, too!
Good luck.

Perhaps it was a joke, and I just didn't get it. I will let him know how I interpreted both instances and hopefully, the air will clear and this will be behind us.

Thank you, again, everyone.

So was the soup supposed to be a joke of some kind? It seems such a strange thing to do. Has he shown any other signs of irrational or unusual behaviour?

Like I initially said, I thought he may not have been thinking about how the toast came across, and although I was hurt, I let it go. Then, Christmas morning came and the hurt came back. It was not because I didn't receive a gift from him, it was because of what he said when he gave it to me and what it was -- butternut squash soup from the dog because there had to be something under the tree for me. I forgot to mention, it was a big wrapped box with a smaller wrapped box inside with the soup in it.

The day before our anniversary, he gave me me a bouquet of flowers that looked like the bouquet I carried at our wedding which he usually does at significant anniversaries. (This is his normal sweet behavior). But, when it came time to toast, he jumped in so quickly and ended it so quickly so that no one else could jump in with anything, and I could tell that he had practiced the toast. It was all about his long drive 39 years ago and nothing was said after that about the next 39 years, except Cheers!

I would have been hurt too, and very worried about this sudden change in behaviour if my DH had done anything like this.

I would also have voiced my concerns here, in the hope of getting helpful advice, which I do hope, OP, you feel you have been given.

You did not mention whether your husband gave you an anniversary present, so I was wondering could he have possibly felt that you didn't "need" a Christmas present as well?

His anniversary toast sounds to me as if he had either forgotten he would need to give one, or otherwise had had no idea what to say for some other reason.

We can go on guessing without getting anywhere from now until Doomsday, can't we?

Please try to discuss this with your husband, and let us know what he said, if anything, to explain it.

Thank you, Everyone. Your feedback has been most helpful to confirm that I am not being overly sensitive and made me aware that there may be an underlying issue. He does get a bit confused at times and if I say anything about that or anything else he may have done wrong, he gets angry and says that I should stop analyzing him. So, that is why I haven't said anything, yet.

BTW, my son is 30 years old, and we "dog-sit" for him so sometimes if we see something cute that is relevant to the dog (ex: bookmark with a paw print), we will give it as a gift from the dog. Although butternut squash is my favorite soup and he drove a bit further away to get my favorite brand, it has nothing to do with the dog. Now that I have written all of this, it has come to mind that maybe there is an underlying mental issue that is starting to pop up. I will be sensitive when I speak with him, but I am not sure it will be accepted that way. Thank you, again.

I would most certainly be asking questions. His behaviour may have changed in subtle ways it could be any meds he taking that may need reviewing. It could even be a water infection which can cause other problems. It may be the start of dementia especially if he gets confused. A lot to think about but it's time for a careful conversation.

We never have Anniversary parties, let alone toasts…..

We don’t buy each other Christmas gifts either, although I have my Ancestry subs as a birthday gift.

I'm missing out if everyone else has a husband who does a special toast at their wedding anniversary party.

I agree it sounds odd and if it is unusual for him (like the toast) then you need to talk to him about seeing a Dr

I don’t understand the ^ butternu squash soup from my son's dog^ It seems a very odd thing for someone to do. Was that a joke present from your son or your husband? How old are your son and your husband?

No, you're not being unreasonable ss and as others have said, you need to have a talk with him.

Maybe there's something worrying him and if you start the conversation, that may be enough for him to be able to talk about it.

I knew what my gift from Mr. S. was this year because I asked him to get it for me. It was still lovingly wrapped and placed under the tree with a few small surprises for me to open. I always do the same for him.

If he ever did something out of character, I'd be worried and upset too, so please talk to him.

Just speak to him! I can’t understand the number of people on here who won’t speak to their loved ones. Are they frightened of the response, or what?

I agree MayBeMaw why would the OP not ask for advice and support on here. It helps just getting it off your chest as well.
I think this is more than just being thoughtless, the soup gift seems a bit cruel unless your husband has a strange sense of humour ss1024 You do need to talk to him about how he made you feel though.

Notgran Fri 07-Jan-22 08:01:42
Yes I agree with the other posters. You just have to speak to him about asap it not ask GRANSNET. In future regarding Christmas and Birthday presents if it is a big deal to you then you have to tell him what you want

This is harsh Notgran. I agree that OP and her husband need to have the conversation, but not ask Gransnet ? It may be difficult for OP to raise this with family or close friends without feeling disloyal, and there are clearly those, like Annsixty who speak from experience and can suggest underlying health issues, rather than some “hidden agenda” or just short sightedness in the issue of present giving.
Isn’t offering help, support and even advice what we are here for as an online community?

You definitely should be looking at his behaviour in other things.
I can relate to this and don’t want to worry or upset you but my H did similar things and it was very early signs of dementia.
Your H may not be of course but if it is really out of character please keep an eye on other changes.

Yes I agree with the other posters. You just have to speak to him about asap it not ask GRANSNET. In future regarding Christmas and Birthday presents if it is a big deal to you then you have to tell him what you want. That way you are not disappointed. Or do what we do after nearly 42 years, take the stress off each other and buy yourselves what you want during the year and say this is my birthday (or Christmas) present. It works really well for us. "Something under the tree" who cares if neither of you have a present from each other? Your present is the present of time not spent worrying what to get, getting it, wrapping it and wondering if they like/want it. The speech? Just let him know he should have mentioned you more affectionately but it's happened now and he'll know in future. Should a similar event be up-coming, you do the speech. We had our Ruby Anniversary party with family and friends round and my husband's speech was from both of us thanking everyone for coming and making our anniversary so enjoyable. Simply talk to him.