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AIBU about Husband's Anniversary Toast & Christmas Present

(34 Posts)
ss1024 Fri 07-Jan-22 01:40:02

We were celebrating our 40th anniversary with our children & close family and my husband offered a toast in which he toasted to the 5 hours he had to drive home to celebrate our first anniversary. Nothing about our life together. Then, on Christmas morning for the first time there was nothing for me under the tree. Instead, there was a big box that contained 3 smaller boxes of butternut squash soup from my son's dog. He said, "I figured there had to be something under the tree for you". He did get me a warm loving card from the store, but all other years, he made me a nice card with very loving thoughts written by him. At our anniversary which was 2 months earlier, I chocked it up to him not thinking although I was hurt. Now, I am so sad everyday. Am I being overly sensitive?

Pepper59 Fri 07-Jan-22 02:18:08

I don't know yourself or your husband, so it is quite difficult to judge. I have to say though Id be pretty damned angry and very hurt. What has he been like on other anniversaries, Christmases or birthdays? Has it always been like this. Cans of soup as a gift? I'd have rathered I was bought nothing than that. It's almost an insult and I very much appreciate anything I get. So your husband actually bought you nothing for Christmas, as the soup was from the dog. There are so many nice inexpensive gifts, chocolates, gift sets, perfume. Im so sorry as to how you must feel.

ss1024 Fri 07-Jan-22 02:58:16

Thank you for your response Pepper 59. It has not always been like this. He usually makes beautiful toasts and has always given me a gift. I appreciate any gift that I get and feel that I should never expect a gift. I was hurt when he said that I needed something under the tree. and then the hurt was compounded as I was so excited opening the big box, and I guess felt foolish when I realized it was soup and immediately told him to put it in the cupboard.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 07-Jan-22 03:52:33

Ask him why.

Thoughtless yes, but until you speak to him you won’t know why he wasn’t as thoughtful as usual.

Eviebeanz Fri 07-Jan-22 04:27:16

Can you think of any other changes to his behaviour recently?

BigBertha1 Fri 07-Jan-22 07:03:21

Sit him down and talk about this asap you can't go on wondering and being sad. I wondered if he was having some sort of crisis of his own. Definitely buy yourself something nice. Sorry you must be feeling awful I would be.

H1954 Fri 07-Jan-22 07:12:03

I'm sorry that you're upset by your husbands actions but I can't help wondering that he has a hidden agenda. Time for some straight talking between the two of you.

AGAA4 Fri 07-Jan-22 07:47:21

ss1024 you really need to find out what is going on with your DH. It seems he is acting out of character for you to be so upset. Have that conversation and tell him you are unhappy.

nadateturbe Fri 07-Jan-22 07:58:00

If OH is behaving totally out of character I would be a bit worried. You need to talk to him.

notgran Fri 07-Jan-22 08:01:42

Yes I agree with the other posters. You just have to speak to him about asap it not ask GRANSNET. In future regarding Christmas and Birthday presents if it is a big deal to you then you have to tell him what you want. That way you are not disappointed. Or do what we do after nearly 42 years, take the stress off each other and buy yourselves what you want during the year and say this is my birthday (or Christmas) present. It works really well for us. "Something under the tree" who cares if neither of you have a present from each other? Your present is the present of time not spent worrying what to get, getting it, wrapping it and wondering if they like/want it. The speech? Just let him know he should have mentioned you more affectionately but it's happened now and he'll know in future. Should a similar event be up-coming, you do the speech. We had our Ruby Anniversary party with family and friends round and my husband's speech was from both of us thanking everyone for coming and making our anniversary so enjoyable. Simply talk to him.

annsixty Fri 07-Jan-22 08:06:54

You definitely should be looking at his behaviour in other things.
I can relate to this and don’t want to worry or upset you but my H did similar things and it was very early signs of dementia.
Your H may not be of course but if it is really out of character please keep an eye on other changes.

MayBeMaw Fri 07-Jan-22 08:58:31

Notgran Fri 07-Jan-22 08:01:42
Yes I agree with the other posters. You just have to speak to him about asap it not ask GRANSNET. In future regarding Christmas and Birthday presents if it is a big deal to you then you have to tell him what you want

This is harsh Notgran. I agree that OP and her husband need to have the conversation, but not ask Gransnet ? It may be difficult for OP to raise this with family or close friends without feeling disloyal, and there are clearly those, like Annsixty who speak from experience and can suggest underlying health issues, rather than some “hidden agenda” or just short sightedness in the issue of present giving.
Isn’t offering help, support and even advice what we are here for as an online community?

sodapop Fri 07-Jan-22 09:11:49

I agree MayBeMaw why would the OP not ask for advice and support on here. It helps just getting it off your chest as well.
I think this is more than just being thoughtless, the soup gift seems a bit cruel unless your husband has a strange sense of humour ss1024 You do need to talk to him about how he made you feel though.

Ladyleftfieldlover Fri 07-Jan-22 09:15:48

Just speak to him! I can’t understand the number of people on here who won’t speak to their loved ones. Are they frightened of the response, or what?

Smileless2012 Fri 07-Jan-22 09:27:05

No, you're not being unreasonable ss and as others have said, you need to have a talk with him.

Maybe there's something worrying him and if you start the conversation, that may be enough for him to be able to talk about it.

I knew what my gift from Mr. S. was this year because I asked him to get it for me. It was still lovingly wrapped and placed under the tree with a few small surprises for me to open. I always do the same for him.

If he ever did something out of character, I'd be worried and upset too, so please talk to himflowers.

Blossoming Fri 07-Jan-22 10:10:13

I don’t understand the ^ butternu squash soup from my son's dog^ It seems a very odd thing for someone to do. Was that a joke present from your son or your husband? How old are your son and your husband?

JaneJudge Fri 07-Jan-22 10:17:52

I agree it sounds odd and if it is unusual for him (like the toast) then you need to talk to him about seeing a Dr

kittylester Fri 07-Jan-22 12:16:07

I'm missing out if everyone else has a husband who does a special toast at their wedding anniversary party.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 07-Jan-22 12:33:20

We never have Anniversary parties, let alone toasts…..

We don’t buy each other Christmas gifts either, although I have my Ancestry subs as a birthday gift.

Redhead56 Fri 07-Jan-22 12:42:19

I would most certainly be asking questions. His behaviour may have changed in subtle ways it could be any meds he taking that may need reviewing. It could even be a water infection which can cause other problems. It may be the start of dementia especially if he gets confused. A lot to think about but it's time for a careful conversation.

ss1024 Fri 07-Jan-22 14:09:22

Thank you, Everyone. Your feedback has been most helpful to confirm that I am not being overly sensitive and made me aware that there may be an underlying issue. He does get a bit confused at times and if I say anything about that or anything else he may have done wrong, he gets angry and says that I should stop analyzing him. So, that is why I haven't said anything, yet.

BTW, my son is 30 years old, and we "dog-sit" for him so sometimes if we see something cute that is relevant to the dog (ex: bookmark with a paw print), we will give it as a gift from the dog. Although butternut squash is my favorite soup and he drove a bit further away to get my favorite brand, it has nothing to do with the dog. Now that I have written all of this, it has come to mind that maybe there is an underlying mental issue that is starting to pop up. I will be sensitive when I speak with him, but I am not sure it will be accepted that way. Thank you, again.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 07-Jan-22 14:24:54

I would have been hurt too, and very worried about this sudden change in behaviour if my DH had done anything like this.

I would also have voiced my concerns here, in the hope of getting helpful advice, which I do hope, OP, you feel you have been given.

You did not mention whether your husband gave you an anniversary present, so I was wondering could he have possibly felt that you didn't "need" a Christmas present as well?

His anniversary toast sounds to me as if he had either forgotten he would need to give one, or otherwise had had no idea what to say for some other reason.

We can go on guessing without getting anywhere from now until Doomsday, can't we?

Please try to discuss this with your husband, and let us know what he said, if anything, to explain it.

ss1024 Fri 07-Jan-22 17:07:13

The day before our anniversary, he gave me me a bouquet of flowers that looked like the bouquet I carried at our wedding which he usually does at significant anniversaries. (This is his normal sweet behavior). But, when it came time to toast, he jumped in so quickly and ended it so quickly so that no one else could jump in with anything, and I could tell that he had practiced the toast. It was all about his long drive 39 years ago and nothing was said after that about the next 39 years, except Cheers!

ss1024 Fri 07-Jan-22 17:17:04

Like I initially said, I thought he may not have been thinking about how the toast came across, and although I was hurt, I let it go. Then, Christmas morning came and the hurt came back. It was not because I didn't receive a gift from him, it was because of what he said when he gave it to me and what it was -- butternut squash soup from the dog because there had to be something under the tree for me. I forgot to mention, it was a big wrapped box with a smaller wrapped box inside with the soup in it.

Blossoming Fri 07-Jan-22 17:22:21

So was the soup supposed to be a joke of some kind? It seems such a strange thing to do. Has he shown any other signs of irrational or unusual behaviour?