Holiday with another couple

We had a few holidays with friends pre kids. Never again!! We were always the ones who suggested what to do, and they tagged behind like kids.

We loved meeting people on holiday, and always had great fun. If we ever met up once home...it was never the same.

Please stand up for yourself and say ‘ no ‘. Start with your husband. Get him on side. He should care enough about you to know it’s worrying you. Then just say no . Such a easy little word. If they get the hump....they’re not friends.

Good luck, and have a good, safe holiday.

Even family can be awkward. When my daughter got an inheritance she invited us all to a villa in Tuscany for a week. One of her brothers declined saying why would we want to spend a week with you lot??

If you’re actually organising this holiday it should be my holiday my rules. We have gone on holiday with friends over the years but always just do our own thing and just meet up as and when. We did drive round Europe in a Morris 1000 with two friends in our youth but can’t remember anything about it: only remember it because of the photos. How we fitted all our camping stuff in the car as well is beyond me. Seem to recall having a bit of an argument going up an autobahn one day, though.

HI954 It's different if it's family. If it was a younger generation they probably thought that you were treating them.

PinkCosmos Can't see what the problem is if you're staying in an hotel. Don't arrange to meet them for breakfast - just have it and go out. Or breakfast in your room. Leave a note at the desk to say you'll meet them for a drink in the bar at xx time. Or, for a change, go out for breakfast.

My OH and I have been together for 54 years. We know each other inside out (well nearly) . On holiday we find lots to talk about but we know what the other thinks about music, politics, films, art etc and we have many shared tastes so on the rare occasions when we go out for a meal on our own at home we don't have much to say, apart from talk about the news and moan about Brexit sometimes.

I cannot think of anything worse than actually planning to go away with another couple.
We've been on coach and rail holidays many things and 'associated' with fellow travellers but we draw the line at planning a holiday solely with another couple.
Four years ago we went away for New Year to Holland with some family, I did all the planning, my OH did all the driving and we paid for the ferry and all the fuel, never even bought us a cup of coffee........won't be doing that again!

I don’t see any reason why PinkCosmos should have to compromise with this couple, who have absolutely no qualms in inviting themselves along to a holiday that has already been booked and paid for! They are being totally selfish. It’s a pity your husband isn’t supporting your wishes, which makes me think he would prefer them to join you. You obviously need to discuss it with him. Whatever the outcome, it’s your holiday and if you choose to go off on your own to do the things that interest you, go ahead - you’re certainly not weird. Life is too short to always be pleasing others and ignoring your own wishes.

If there's space in the hotel, can you manage to persuade some more friends to come as well? If you find making ground rules too difficult after having had previous holidays with them, can you ask another couple as well? Or even better, two other couples? It's really hard for six or eight people to hang about together all the time. We've had several successful holidays with groups of friends all doing different things according to their interests.

I couldn’t do it even with a very very best friend I don’t even like shopping with anyone much prefer it alone so I can get on and selfishly not have to think or bend to someone else s ideas

My friend and her husband always went away with their friends for years with varying degrees of success then they started to have problems within the friendship they decided to go on their own, never thought anything much about it, just told the friends they were having a lone holiday that year in ? month at ?, deed done the other couple didn’t seem upset or annoyed or anything, just accepted it
Came the day of the holiday my friend and husband were sitting in the airport when up walked here friend and husband My friend said oh what a coincidence where are you off to ? She nearly fainted when they quoted the same country, the same town and thevsame hotel !!!
Some people are so THICK SKINBED you have to spell it out

EllanVannin sounds like you had an ideal holiday companion. So sorry to hear she's no longer with you.

These are times when I miss my dear friend of 60 years. We went everywhere together and were much like one another when it came to holidays filling in our tours and sightseeing to the brim. There'll never be another like her. We didn't ever want to " go it alone " or do our own thing separately. It was a friendship like no other.

Unless you're happy with who you're with, forget it as the holiday then is a waste of time and money.

Good Lord Aveline, I think I know that couple. They also divide the restaurant bill down to the dregs of wine not drunk and weigh the fruit in the fruit bowl so that the apple I ate wasn’t bigger than hers.
I made the last bit up but I’m sure they would if they could.

I remember my Dad being appalled when planning their holiday with another couple. The other husband turned up the week before with a scale plan of the car boot to ensure equity of cases etc. Also, although they were going to be in hotels in France, they brought along their own instant coffee and Cornflakes. My poor parents realised that they didn't apparently know their old friends as well as they thought!

I think you have to sort this out with your husband and agree together a way forward that works for both of you.

I wonder if you sort of expect your wishes to be ignored/overridden - you give that impression when you say that you going off alone might look weird or sulky etc. It is like you don't really expect your wishes to be respected?? Also do you find it difficult to express your wishes/needs and stick to your guns? I think it is so easy to be pushed into agreeing things to "keep the peace" and it is so unfair!

It is entirely reasonable to want time on your own and time with just your husband! You need to keep telling yourself that as you take things forward

So discuss what you want/need with your husband and work out how you are both going to take it forward with your friends

1. *You might decide to let them come but laying down some clear guidelines on things you need to happen (non negotiable)
2. *You might decide to tell them that much as you enjoy going on holiday with them you also like to have time on holiday with just the two of you. (If this is the case, then maybe agree a future date for a break together at the same time as you tell them )

If 1. then ....

*Tell them that you enjoy having holidays with them but you need time during that holiday to do things alone or just as a couple.

If they start to get "huffy", take it personally or dismiss what you say ...tell them

"*Needing some time to ourselves is just something we like to do and we need. It is not about not wanting to spend time with you/not enjoying your company/not wanting to be away with you.
* We really need this to be part of our holiday and it is important to us that we all agree this before we go away so that we all know where we stand

If they are dismissive say:

*I/we really need this/this is important to us. I/we need you to listen and to accept that this will be part of the arrangements for the holiday

and so on.

If I suggested that we go our separate ways for a few hours they would say, No, it's fine we will come with you'.

When this happens you need to be very clear: "No, we would like to go and do * on our own. We will meet you by the bar/pool/in the lobby at * time" If you have had a version of the above conversation this will be easier to do.

Written down it can seem very stilted but the key is for both you and your husband to agree on what you want together and then to stick to your guns with your friends.

Good luck

ExDancer - I booked and paid for the holiday about six months ago. I was unsure at the time because of Covid but took a chance assuming that it could be cancelled if needs be.

Grandmafrench Quote - (I can't get the text to italicise) "I get the impression that they don't like going away on their own at all". Absolutely. And that has to be why they are trying to muscle in on a holiday that you have already booked. You have planned your holiday and it has been planned to suit just the two of you, otherwise you'd have been discussing it with others before making any decisions! If you are not firm - and stick to it - you will have your holiday ruined. And that would be ridiculous. Hope you can see that.^*(end of quote)

We didn't tell them we were booking it. The holidays we have had with them in the past have been discussed beforehand and agreed. I thought that by us booking this holiday without telling them, they would get the hint that they were not invited.

The friend (she is a friend) is now trying to book the same hotel. I am just hoping that it is fully booked.

I don't want to fall out with them as we are good friends. I just prefer not to go on holiday with them. As I said previously, I don't feel like I can relax the same.

On a previous holiday I suggested having a day on our own but they seemed to want to be with us all the time.

I said, More than once, 'if you want to go out for dinner on your own one night that would be fine with us'. They didn't want to.

It wasn't that I wanted a romantic meal and gaze into DH's eyes. It was just to have a break from one another.

I think, in this situation, my DH and I are people pleasers and do anything for a quiet life - to our detriment!!

Nothing you can do if you don't want to confront the situation PinkCosmos
Otherwise time to be honest, I don't see why you should have to lie about it. Get your husband to agree and tell your friends you want this holiday alone together.
As Humbertbear said just take a deep breath and say no. The world will not end.

Sorry - sometimes you just have to be honest and say no. One of my dearest friends has tried to join holidays specifically arranged for me and my DD on our own and we have just had to take a deep breath and say no. Stand in front of the mirror and practice.

Continued!.... I ran this past my pal and she thought it very unfriendly and decided to confront him. Fine by me. We're talking friends here. Upshot was, we did the trip with the 'day' and I remember it as being very successful and lots of fun. Neither I not my pal's partner were privy to the conversation, by the way.

We like going away for our main holiday on our own but have had many successful long weekends away with friends. Why cant you go off on your own when your friends want to sit by the pool? Alternatively agree before you go that every other day will be for you on your own. My DS went away with a friend and told her she would only see her for dinner. We found going on arranged tours with friends was good too because there are always other people to talk to (if you like them).

This makes me smile...... My husband wasn't overly keen on joint holidays but he did like the couple involved. When I ran the suggestion past him he okay'd it with the one proviso that we had to have one whole day completely apart from each other and that day should be nominated beforehand set out and adhered to.

Lie and say you're going away with family

I remember we knew 2 couples who always holidayed together. Mrs A didn't like this and so one year they booked their hotel and flights without telling couple B. It wasn't difficult for Mr B to find out where they were booked (don't know how) because they always went to the same 2 Greek islands. Imagine Mrs A's surprise when couple B walked into the hotel. Mrs A was brave and told them that they would see each other during the holiday but they could have a meal together on the last night.

We've had several holidays with friends over the years. They must like eating and drinking, as we do, because if you go with people for whom eating is just fuel whilst you enjoy leisurely meals, it can be a bit difficult.

We have a few rules which have developed over the years and nobody has objected as far as I am aware. We have been on holiday with the same people on several occasions.

1. each couple should have their own car wherever possible. We had a holiday with one couple who flew out so we just had the one car. We went out together, which wasn't a problem but because they worked very long hours and commuted to London they liked a long lie in. Nothing wrong with that but it meant that sometimes we didn't get out until after a very late breakfast.

2. We have a communal purse for shopping. Everyone contributed a specified amount. Who ever was catering would do the shopping and take the purse which was replenished when necessary. This was for large groups of 8 or 10.

3. If there's anything that you would like to do or see then you must say so. We like holidays in cities and whenever we go I research the galleries, museums etc. Once I know what there is to see I can make up my mind and may decide not to go.

My OH gets cross with me because I often say that I don't mind when asked a question. I always say when I do have an opinion.

When we were young we went to the Scilly Isles with 2 other couples. One girl didn't know what English rural holidays were like and turned up with hot pants and delicate sandals whereas I and the other girl had plimsolls and jeans. The sun doesn't like me and I don't like sunbathing on a beach. Over breakfast we discussed what we would do and I would say what I wanted to do. Most of the others thought that they would do the same. Miss K was eventually fed up with this because she wanted u all to go to the beach.

We went to Bruges with Miss K and her OH several years later. My DH and I are fans of sitting at a pavement cafe with a drink watching the world go by so we would stop on the way back to the hotel to get ready for dinner and then stop for an apero on the way out. Miss K said "but you've already had a drink" as if we were pouring several pints down our throats.

I might come over as being rather bossy but I'm not. I am an organiser however, which is different. Holidays are very important to me. It takes a lot to beat sitting over a leisurely meal with friends in the evening, having taken it turns to cook and shop etc.

YANBU but I agree with Grandmabatty, and tell them straight out that you prefer to go just a deux this time.

I had a similar ish situation a while ago with a friend who wanted me to go on holiday with her, sharing rooms, sharing cabins! Eek! Since I had a post-cancer PTSD event some years ago, I've struggled with sleep. I did try it with her once but I was sleepless and wretched most of the time, so I told her no, explaining why.
She wasn't happy but beyond a couple of "going by myself would be too expensive" pouts in the first couple of years, it doesn't seem to have put her off me or spoiled the friendship.

I don't do Big Girl Pants very often but I was surprised to find it worked.

It looks as if this time, in March you will have to go along with your friends wanting to holiday with you, but you can mitigate things by telling your DH that you want some time sightseeing with just him and he has to back you up.When on the holiday only go where the other couple go if you actually want to, otherwise say that today you will be visiting churches ( or somewhere they won’t want to go.) When they are enjoying beach or pool time, you and your your DH go and do something else, and say you will see them at dinner.
Holidays with friends can work well, but only if both couples aren’t afraid to say ( nicely) what they expect of it.
The next time you decide to book a holiday don’t tell them, you don’t want every holiday to be a foursome.

"I get the impression that they don't like going away on their own at all".

Absolutely. And that has to be why they are trying to muscle in on a holiday that you have already booked. You have planned your holiday and it has been planned to suit just the two of you, otherwise you'd have been discussing it with others before making any decisions! If you are not firm - and stick to it - you will have your holiday ruined. And that would be ridiculous. Hope you can see that.

Shame you don't have surprise or indignation from your DH. And I note that not once in your post do you refer to them as 'friends'. I can't imagine anything worse, I should be seething that they feel they can just ride roughshod over arrangements.

It's often hard for people to be ASSERTIVE ! But that's what you need to be. You don't need to agonise over something that is entirely your affair, funded and organised by you, planned for the two of you. All you need to say is 'sorry, not this time - we've booked a holiday just for the two of us.' If she doesn't like it, then that's tough. No discussion, your decision. You are being disrespected if you have to explain or compromise on your own life plans by those who clearly depend on others for the entertainment and distraction they can't find in their own relationship.

Do it this once, OP. And don't feel bad. You won't be agonising in future. This is the way to start having a much better life and enjoying something for yourself. You will be replaced by others they can take advantage of, so go for it. Who says you can't do it? Only you!