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AIBU

Holiday with another couple

(144 Posts)
PinkCosmos Fri 07-Jan-22 13:34:18

We have been abroad on holiday with another couple twice in the last couple of years - Covid permitted at the time. She did all of the organising and we just paid up.

They are nice couple and we all get on well. However, I don't really enjoy going on holiday with anyone other than my husband. Also, I am not the sort of person to strike up a conversation with a stranger on holiday. I find it quite stressful.

We have booked to go away in March (Covid allowing) and they have suggested that they want to join us.

The last couple of times we went away with them we barely had any time to ourselves.

If I suggested that we go our separate ways for a few hours they would say, No, it's fine we will come with you'.

I usually just go along with it rather than cause an issue. I am very non-confrontational.

My DH doesn't seem to be bothered about them coming with us, which doesn't help and makes me look like the wicked witch.

Also, I am not one for sunbathing and the lady of the couple likes to sit around the hotel pool quite a bit. I am happy to do this a few times and read my book but generally I get bored.

I realise this would be a perfect opportunity go do something different but I kind of feel like I am offending them if we don't go along with what they suggest.

They always used to go away with another couple but we seem to be favourites these days.

I get the impression that they don't like going away on their own at all.

I was looking forward to the holiday sad

AIBU?

Bea65 Fri 07-Jan-22 13:39:36

Well we're still in a pandemic and would say that you're not comfortable making precise plans at moment...

Baggs Fri 07-Jan-22 13:40:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable but why did you tell them you were going on holiday in March?

LauraNorderr Fri 07-Jan-22 13:45:35

Are you in a position to go away twice? Perhaps you could tell them that the two of you are going for a romantic break (your husband would have to back you of course) but would be happy to arrange a long weekend with them later in the year.

Grandmabatty Fri 07-Jan-22 13:46:30

Time to put on your big girl pants and say that you are looking forward to spending time with your husband and him alone. Then drop the rope. Don't give them any more information. If they ask again just keep repeating that you want to spend time with your husband. The Mumsnet standby would suit "That doesn't work for us"

PinkCosmos Fri 07-Jan-22 13:48:48

Baggs - my DH told them. We see them quite often so it would be hard to keep it from them anyway.

If it had been the other way around I would have taken the hint if they had booked a holiday without inviting us.

Calendargirl Fri 07-Jan-22 14:07:47

Sounds like DH likes going away with them, perhaps he prefers that to just a couples break. Someone else to chat to, eat meals with, sightsee with?

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 07-Jan-22 14:13:26

I couldn’t bear it no matter how much I liked them. I understand you wanting to spend time with your husband and do whatever you want. If you don’t knock it on the head it will be expected every year for the rest of your life! I think saying it’s a romantic break just the two of you and not offering anything else is the way to go, then come the next holiday you can say you enjoyed the romantic break so much you’re doing it again. And so on each year until they get the message.

Judy54 Fri 07-Jan-22 14:42:42

Only went away once with newish friends and it was a disaster. Our own fault as we had not really known them that long and we did not understand each others likes and dislikes. Mr J and I prefer to holiday on our own. You just need to be upfront with them and say that you and your Husband are going to holiday alone this year.

Allsorts Fri 07-Jan-22 14:58:28

Preferred our holidays with just each other, we did have some with friends or family, but we didn’t enjoy the as much.

Baggs Fri 07-Jan-22 15:14:37

Ah well, good luck with the resistance! And give your husband a talking to about what you want from a holiday flowers

PinkCosmos Fri 07-Jan-22 15:36:48

Thanks for the replies.

I think DH doesn't mind going away with them. He is much more sociable than me.

I can be a bit of a loner sometimes and don't crave many friends.

They are a lovely couple but you can have too much of a good thing.

I don't feel like I can relax the same way if we go away with other people. I feel like I am always going with the flow which means I miss out on some things that I would like to do. For example, The other couple are quite sporty. I am not. I prefer visiting interesting historical places.

My DH seems to always side with the other couple about what we should do when we are away. I don't know whether he is as bad as me in that he doesn't want to cause an upset and just goes along with things for an easy life.

I suppose I could always go off on my own for an hour or so but I fear that will make me look weird and like I am sulking.

I suppose I am just going to have to suck it up.

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 07-Jan-22 15:41:16

You could be my twin! Such a shame not to be able to enjoy a holiday, I wouldn’t either and feel for you. Perhaps you can persuade your H not to do this again.

Lucca Fri 07-Jan-22 15:42:00

PinkCosmos

Thanks for the replies.

I think DH doesn't mind going away with them. He is much more sociable than me.

I can be a bit of a loner sometimes and don't crave many friends.

They are a lovely couple but you can have too much of a good thing.

I don't feel like I can relax the same way if we go away with other people. I feel like I am always going with the flow which means I miss out on some things that I would like to do. For example, The other couple are quite sporty. I am not. I prefer visiting interesting historical places.

My DH seems to always side with the other couple about what we should do when we are away. I don't know whether he is as bad as me in that he doesn't want to cause an upset and just goes along with things for an easy life.

I suppose I could always go off on my own for an hour or so but I fear that will make me look weird and like I am sulking.

I suppose I am just going to have to suck it up.

No it wouldn’t look weird at all ! Just say it like it is and go .. maybe talk to husband first and say you’d like him to join you on some activities

Ladyleftfieldlover Fri 07-Jan-22 15:44:06

As someone has said, PinkC, put your big girl pants on and have a word! As I have said before, it never ceases to be amaze me the number of women who just won’t speak up! There are some ladies in my WI whose husbands simply walk all over them! Life is too short, surely, to have a miserable existence.

Dottygran59 Fri 07-Jan-22 15:47:45

Oh God it would be my worse nightmare!! And I am just like you in that I am non confrontational at all - I mean at our age wouldn't you have thought we would have bought some big girl knickers!!

Surely if you are close friends they will realise that your interests are different? How about saying that your DH has a lovely time on holiday with them as his likes align with theirs, whereas when you are on holiday alone he will visit historical sights with you and not sit round a pool all day - which is delightful for some people but you get bored too easily. If you say it in a light hearted way you should be able to fob them off.

I would frankly rather sh1t in my hands and clap than go on holiday with another couple - the very thought makes my blood run cold

wildswan16 Fri 07-Jan-22 15:56:46

I think you first have to sort it out with your husband. You both need to agree that a holiday on your own would be nice. Explain to him that it is something you have missed.

Once you are both in agreement then, you can simply tell your friends that this time it's just going to be the two of you.

crazyH Fri 07-Jan-22 16:03:46

We have done it twice with the same couple and their only child. We benefited from having some adult company and her son enjoyed the company of our three children. So it worked ok, but we didn’t spend more than a week.

AGAA4 Fri 07-Jan-22 16:11:12

We went away once with another couple
It worked well as we all did what we wanted and met up sometimes for meals or trips.
I much preferred to holiday on our own though

ExDancer Fri 07-Jan-22 16:14:08

I know just how you feel pink Cosmos - I don't own a pair of these big girl knickers either, where do you get them I wonder. I know its impossible to 'talk to them'.
How far have you got with this March holiday?
I mean, have you booked and paid for it? Has the other couple booked and paid for it too?
If its all done and dusted then the job's done and you're committed, if not you may wriggle out of it using the 'romantic' idea.
I know it can be difficult to convince a husband to back you up in cases like this, will he help or just 'go with the flow'?

Grandmafrench Fri 07-Jan-22 16:16:35

"I get the impression that they don't like going away on their own at all".

Absolutely. And that has to be why they are trying to muscle in on a holiday that you have already booked. You have planned your holiday and it has been planned to suit just the two of you, otherwise you'd have been discussing it with others before making any decisions! If you are not firm - and stick to it - you will have your holiday ruined. And that would be ridiculous. Hope you can see that.

Shame you don't have surprise or indignation from your DH. And I note that not once in your post do you refer to them as 'friends'. I can't imagine anything worse, I should be seething that they feel they can just ride roughshod over arrangements.

It's often hard for people to be ASSERTIVE ! But that's what you need to be. You don't need to agonise over something that is entirely your affair, funded and organised by you, planned for the two of you. All you need to say is 'sorry, not this time - we've booked a holiday just for the two of us.' If she doesn't like it, then that's tough. No discussion, your decision. You are being disrespected if you have to explain or compromise on your own life plans by those who clearly depend on others for the entertainment and distraction they can't find in their own relationship.

Do it this once, OP. And don't feel bad. You won't be agonising in future. This is the way to start having a much better life and enjoying something for yourself. You will be replaced by others they can take advantage of, so go for it. Who says you can't do it? Only you!

lemongrove Fri 07-Jan-22 16:23:21

It looks as if this time, in March you will have to go along with your friends wanting to holiday with you, but you can mitigate things by telling your DH that you want some time sightseeing with just him and he has to back you up.When on the holiday only go where the other couple go if you actually want to, otherwise say that today you will be visiting churches ( or somewhere they won’t want to go.) When they are enjoying beach or pool time, you and your your DH go and do something else, and say you will see them at dinner.
Holidays with friends can work well, but only if both couples aren’t afraid to say ( nicely) what they expect of it.
The next time you decide to book a holiday don’t tell them, you don’t want every holiday to be a foursome.

Ailidh Fri 07-Jan-22 16:31:29

YANBU but I agree with Grandmabatty, and tell them straight out that you prefer to go just a deux this time.

I had a similar ish situation a while ago with a friend who wanted me to go on holiday with her, sharing rooms, sharing cabins! Eek! Since I had a post-cancer PTSD event some years ago, I've struggled with sleep. I did try it with her once but I was sleepless and wretched most of the time, so I told her no, explaining why.
She wasn't happy but beyond a couple of "going by myself would be too expensive" pouts in the first couple of years, it doesn't seem to have put her off me or spoiled the friendship.

I don't do Big Girl Pants very often but I was surprised to find it worked.

Dinahmo Fri 07-Jan-22 16:36:22

We've had several holidays with friends over the years. They must like eating and drinking, as we do, because if you go with people for whom eating is just fuel whilst you enjoy leisurely meals, it can be a bit difficult.

We have a few rules which have developed over the years and nobody has objected as far as I am aware. We have been on holiday with the same people on several occasions.

1. each couple should have their own car wherever possible. We had a holiday with one couple who flew out so we just had the one car. We went out together, which wasn't a problem but because they worked very long hours and commuted to London they liked a long lie in. Nothing wrong with that but it meant that sometimes we didn't get out until after a very late breakfast.

2. We have a communal purse for shopping. Everyone contributed a specified amount. Who ever was catering would do the shopping and take the purse which was replenished when necessary. This was for large groups of 8 or 10.

3. If there's anything that you would like to do or see then you must say so. We like holidays in cities and whenever we go I research the galleries, museums etc. Once I know what there is to see I can make up my mind and may decide not to go.

My OH gets cross with me because I often say that I don't mind when asked a question. I always say when I do have an opinion.

When we were young we went to the Scilly Isles with 2 other couples. One girl didn't know what English rural holidays were like and turned up with hot pants and delicate sandals whereas I and the other girl had plimsolls and jeans. The sun doesn't like me and I don't like sunbathing on a beach. Over breakfast we discussed what we would do and I would say what I wanted to do. Most of the others thought that they would do the same. Miss K was eventually fed up with this because she wanted u all to go to the beach.

We went to Bruges with Miss K and her OH several years later. My DH and I are fans of sitting at a pavement cafe with a drink watching the world go by so we would stop on the way back to the hotel to get ready for dinner and then stop for an apero on the way out. Miss K said "but you've already had a drink" as if we were pouring several pints down our throats.

I might come over as being rather bossy but I'm not. I am an organiser however, which is different. Holidays are very important to me. It takes a lot to beat sitting over a leisurely meal with friends in the evening, having taken it turns to cook and shop etc.

Dinahmo Fri 07-Jan-22 16:42:44

I remember we knew 2 couples who always holidayed together. Mrs A didn't like this and so one year they booked their hotel and flights without telling couple B. It wasn't difficult for Mr B to find out where they were booked (don't know how) because they always went to the same 2 Greek islands. Imagine Mrs A's surprise when couple B walked into the hotel. Mrs A was brave and told them that they would see each other during the holiday but they could have a meal together on the last night.