To think friend was disrespectful

I wonder when men will be expected to "put on a bit of slap" to prove that they've made an effort.

After reading the said posts I can see both sides , but , personally, if it were myself then I’d have at least had change of clothes and put on a bit of slap to join the others for meal out as it does show some respect to present yourself looking like you’ve made an effort - regardless of what one thinks , others do notice . Think I would feel bit disappointed in my friend if she didn’t do the same , more so if that’s what she would normally do .

maw I tend to agree. Horrified OP showed this thread to her unsuspecting friend.

You are not responsible for her. You made an effort. That’s all that matters.

Shakespeare said it best “the apparel oft proclaimeth the man” meaning of course that people often judge others on how they are dressed.

Floriel

I hope poor OP isn’t feeling too bruised today because I think this forum became increasingly hostile and judgemental. In fact it sums up what I dislike about GN. We may agree with her, as I did, or not, as most did, but please can’t we all be a bit kinder? Calling into question her personal friendship and taking the moral high ground about judging by appearances is unfair and unnecessary. At our age we should surely be more tolerant and supportive. Heaven knows life has thrown slings and arrows at most of us, we don’t need to throw them at each other.

I think the OP’s original post was quite “judgey” and set the tone for the responses. But an AIBU post is a debate at the end of the day.

Oh the irony - all those accusing the OP of being judgmental - being judgmental!

Grandmabatty

You are being ridiculous. I'm sorry if you don't like the answer but really. She'd been in hospital and presumably was still recuperating. They were kind enough to take you for a meal and you think she's being disrespectful? Please give your head a wobble.

I made this error too. It was OP’s friend who didn’t dress up. Not the wife of the gentleman they were helping.

Germanshepherdsmum

Spot on Maw.

I second that.

I'm more and more baffled by the OP's motivation.

Posting on a forum about a friend's apparent lack of respect, then showing her the responses, and together condemning the "nasty" people for sticking-up for said friend... .

What’s her normal style like? Do you go out socially with her normally? Is this normal for her? I also think it’s up the the couple to decide whether she’s being disrespectful by not smartening you for dinner. I don’t know why you were bothered about how she was dressed.

Oldwoman70

Some of you seem to have misunderstood - the couple had dressed up, they rarely go out and this was special for them. My friend hadn't bothered to so much as change her sweater, she hadn't had a busy day (we had spent most of the afternoon chatting over coffee). I am not normally a "judgmental" person, accepting people for who and what they are but on this occasion I just felt she could have made a little effort.

Well if she hadn't had a busy day then I assume her clothes were not dirty and smelly. Or maybe she had changed before you had coffee and didn't feel she needed to change again. Besides which the other couple would not have known that she was wearing the same thing she'd had in earlier!!

You are not the clothing police so chill out!!!

Don't most people just dress casual for everything now. Although I agree that you are being unreasonable. Why should it even matter? Did the wife of your neighbough (the lady just out of hospital) seem offended? She was probably just happy for some normal human interaction. Let it go, think happy thoughts.

More important things in life than a 'change of clothes'

I only change clothes if I'm covered in mud and dog hairs. Lot's of people I know don't bother to dress up for an evening out. If it's the same clothes they were painting the hall in, yes they probably should change but otherwise, why? Too much of the world's resources go on unnecessary clothing which isn't produced ethically and ends up underworn and often in landfill. One hopes their motivation was around sustainability, and if so, then it's respecting the planet not disrespecting you. X

I do think you are being unreasonable and a tad judgemental! I dont know why your friend had not changed but I am sure she had her reasons! I expect the hosts will just be glad to see you both

Floriel

I don’t think YABU Oldwoman70. I think it’s a sign of respect and good manners to make a bit of effort, especially when they wanted to take you out to eat on what was probably quite a special occasion for them.

I agree with you Floriel. It would have been more respectful to make a bit of an effort.

Does she normally dress up ?

This is one of the most baffling posts and threads I have read on GN. Two friends do a real favour for another, who wants to treat them. One doesn’t dress as the others do for the treat. That could be seen as careless or accidental, we can only make assumptions, and assumptions are prone to bias. The OP is sufficiently stirred by this to post it on social media. Why? Puzzling. Even more puzzling she shows the original friend the thread. Maybe they both have thick skins in their long standing friendship and neither notice cues for dress codes or hurt. The ethic of care that was obvious in the helping of the couple is a bit skew-wiff in the post.

Of course they were not being disrespectful, and you are being very unreasonable , what business is it of yours how they dress, maybe they had been busy helping other people since they saw you that day and hadn’t time to change , their company is all that matters

In this case I think YABU as its only a casual meal out.
Sometimes I think it's necessary to make an effort like at a wedding, Xmas party, Christening, etc.
Must admit I was quite shocked when we went to meet DDs new boyfriend at a nice restaurant and he turned up in a scruffy worn fawn jumper and jeans. I would have expected him to wear a shirt for the first meeting. Perhaps I'm old fashioned

if she was on time and clean - not dirty clothes- then what is the problem? maybe she has no other clothes to change into. i have no fancy clothes either.

You need something else to think about @

if it suits the wearer , then what's it got to do with the starer?!

Hear, hear Floriel.

Being honest and speaking your mind
I’d hope my friends would know when to give me their honest thoughts and when keeping their thoughts to themselves was the kinder thing to do!