Have you had an operation and how did your husband cope with helping you at home

Hetty58

My second husband 'couldn't' (wouldn't) cook. Just once (in 21 years) I was ill in bed with gastric flu. The children complained that there was 'nothing to eat' - so I relayed instructions to the eldest on making salads, beans on toast, scrambled eggs etc.

Husband, meanwhile, went into overdrive hoovering and making tea, getting takeaways - and saying it was strange how angry he felt that I was ill (angry = scared). When I felt a little better and needed more than toast, I was presented with a Chinese - just too greasy when you still feel nauseous.

When I managed to leave the bedroom, and get downstairs (about a week later) there was a mountain of dirty laundry next to the machine and the house was a tip!

So bad.

I have always been a matriarch in the kitchen my husband only ever makes his chicken soup and the odd simple lunch. I had hip replacement ten years ago I was not encouraged to use a walking stick and was on my feet straight away. I managed with one pot wonders and soups the slow cooker was a big help.
My husband was working we had a business to run at the time. He took time off to take me for hospital checkups redressing etc. Our daughter was off school for the holidays doing A levels so that was a big help.
Since retirement my husband is more involved with the house work. I know I am stupidly stubborn but it stems from my parents arguing in the kitchen every meal time. I just like the kitchen as my domain!

It’s good to hear about all the helpful spouses. I don’t have one at all - I live alone. When I had my hip done, DD drove me home from hospital and stayed overnight, but I sent her home the next day and managed perfectly well on my own for the whole recovery period. I put on my own stockings, did my own injections, and took household chores at a gentle pace. I know other illnesses and conditions are much harder to cope with, but I’m a bit surprised that some posters require so much help from a significant other after a hip replacement.

Sadgrandmathank you for your explanation re the plastic bag trick. I hope you make good progress and will be able to be out and about for the spring.

Oh - and couldn't empty the kitchen bin, but had put it out in the garden.

My second husband 'couldn't' (wouldn't) cook. Just once (in 21 years) I was ill in bed with gastric flu. The children complained that there was 'nothing to eat' - so I relayed instructions to the eldest on making salads, beans on toast, scrambled eggs etc.

Husband, meanwhile, went into overdrive hoovering and making tea, getting takeaways - and saying it was strange how angry he felt that I was ill (angry = scared). When I felt a little better and needed more than toast, I was presented with a Chinese - just too greasy when you still feel nauseous.

When I managed to leave the bedroom, and get downstairs (about a week later) there was a mountain of dirty laundry next to the machine and the house was a tip!

Kali2

Aren't we women often our worst enemies. If we have accepted that housework and cooking is solely our domain- or accepted that this is what is put upon us- then why are we surprised if 40, 50 years later- this does not miraculously change???

This with bells on. I'm shocked at the 'can't complain', 'mustn't moan' attitude from some posters. FFS they aren't doing you a favour. It's called a relationship and men should bloody well pull their fingers out from day 1. Why have you accepted anything less?

DH is great with the cooking as long as I remind him it’s time to start cooking! He isn’t great at looking after me when I’m ill because he hates being looked after himself. My DD had to change my surgical stockings because his hands were too large and clumsy. If I’m ill in bed he will forget I’m here and I have to phone him for a cup of tea. To be honest, I’ve told DC that if I need proper care they have to put me into a home. Very sad but also true.

Sounds like everyone's DH has taken the wedding vows re 'in sickness and in health' to heart. Well done chaps!

Mr Not can manage to look after me, himself and the house if need be, as he did when I had a THR. He even managed the dreaded compression stockings without the aid of plastic bags. Cooking skills are limited, his speciality being oven chips, but he copes with just a few shouted instructions from me - 'I can smell burning, what's going on?' Unfortunately he doesn't know how to work the washing machine and he doesn't believe in ironing, so laundry was a bit of a problem. I decided not to bother about it and as soon as I was up and about again I put on several giant loads and caught up with it. He did then helpfully hang it out for me, not in the way I would have hung it but still...........as someone above said, don't sweat the small stuff!

DH can cook basic meals and makes very good mashed potatoes, and also creamy scrambled eggs. He would keep up with shopping too, but no housework would be done, especially not the bathrooms. The thing that would really bother me is the kitchen surfaces. He never wipes them down, or cleans the fridge out.

Not an operation, but I had Covid, was on a ventilator 2 weeks during which time I had a stroke, last summer. I was in a hospital 50 miles away. My husband drove there to drop off things I needed (no visiting so I didn't even see him to wave to), several times, during my 6 weeks stay. When I got home, he cooked, cleaned, did the washing, fed the cat, helped me to wash and dress, emptied the commode, did the shopping, took me to various appointments. Now, I'm 90% back to normal, but he still accompanies me to hospital appointments.

Aldom
Plastic bag trick - put a food bag, big enough to cover your foot, on your foot and slide the stockings over your heel. You can then slip the bag out through the toe hole and pull the stocking up. Seemed to work a dream for the nurse in hospital but, to be honest, getting it over my foot is not an issue for us, it's the pulling it up that is the problem. Ah well well, only another five weeks to go! I will research the zipped ones though.

I'm so lucky my husband was fantastic when I was hospitalised 11 years ago. I was in a bad way & I'd been extremely violently ill all over the floor in the bedroom and bathroom before I was taken away in the ambulance. When I got home after my operations 12 days later the carpets had been thoroughly cleaned, laundry done shopping done etc. He had a 150 mile round trip to visit me as well so didn't he didn't visit very day even though he wanted to. I told him not to as he looked so drained when I saw him for first time after I'd been admitted. After I got home he did absolutely everything for a couple of weeks including walking the dog & he never complained once!

I had a hysterectomy and then a few years later three back surgeries within 14 months, each surgery requiring initially bed rest and then very light duties, DH coped remarkably well, I couldn’t fault him. Not everything was done ‘my way’ but he was great.

I've had an operation and also been seriously ill. DH is a brilliant and thoughtful nurse, more than capable of running the house as well as looking after me.

My operation was when we had a couple of toddlers, he took a fortnight off work and did everything needed and more.

I see that many of you are fighting with the compression stockings every day! There are zipped versions which should be much easier to put on. I was fortunate after my partial hip replacement aa my health board uses Dalteparin anticoagulant injections and not the stockings. I self injected for 28 days which was a lot easier than I thought it would be! Rather that than the stockings. Have a look online - lots of choice/prices for zipped stockings.

The plastic bag trick. Please would someone enlighten me?

BBbevan

Never mind Yammy you can smile about it now. When I had my first child I asked DH to bring me some lemon squash, into hospital. He bought PLJ. Bless him

Yes, but you might have guessed from my post what his job was. Empathy with ill people was for work not home.
We do laugh about it now and since he retired he is a brilliant help. Mine would have brought PlJ as well.

I've been on my own for many, many years and lost my mum a long time ago too...
In that time I've had surgery 3 times, once quite serious and my care was shared between my Dad, son and brother...with a very close friend doing some highly 'personal' things.

My house was spotless, all jobs were done and they looked after me so well...even the ironing basket was cleared!
I think I was very lucky in seeing my father 'sharing the load' all of my life so I brought up my son the same way.
Never any division of work for us.

Lucca

Isn’t it good that this discussion would not really be relevant nowadays with “partners” not having the roles so divided. It would make Little difference who was ill, my DS or DIL

When DH was ill the worst chore, I found, was putting out the rubbish/recycling on various different days.

As Theresa May said, bins are a 'boy job' in this house.

I was kept in hospital after an operation had gone wrong. I had to have an emergency op and everyone at home was very worried. DH was affected badly, his defences were down and he caught the flu. My middle DS, about 14 at the time, was told off at school about not doing homework or something. DH heard later (he taught at the boys' school) that DS2 had played the sympathy card: "My Mum's in hospital, my Dad's in bed with the flu and I am having to cope with all the housework and cooking!" Actually, this was probably true as he was the most domesticated of the three. Quite honestly, I have no idea how they coped or what they ate, as I was in intensive care, and hadn't prepared anything as it was unexpected.

DH can still only boil pasta and butter bread, but he has managed several times when I was visiting my mother. I have given up preparing things in advance. They are usually still in the freezer when I get home. He wouldn't dream of meeting friends or going out for a meal, or of getting a takeaway.

Am glad you are doing OK sadgrandma. Don't overdo it. Use the opportunity to teach him a few more things.

I had thought I might one day take DH with me round the house as I do the daily chores, explaining what I'm doing and why. I would then ask him to do the same with his jobs. As we have seen, at any time, one or the other of us could be incapacitated and the other will need to step in. I haven't summoned up the courage to suggest this to DH yet, though.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this tip has already been said: Wear rubber gloves to put those horrible stockings on - it means you can get a grip!

Very true.

Isn’t it good that this discussion would not really be relevant nowadays with “partners” not having the roles so divided. It would make Little difference who was ill, my DS or DIL