Gransnet forums

AIBU

They thought my DH was drunk

(66 Posts)
Bankhurst Thu 10-Mar-22 10:12:14

My DH has an as-yet-undiagnosed medical problem which means when out in cold weather he sometimes suffers a collapse and can barely walk. Yesterday evening this happened, and he’d forgotten his phone so couldn’t call me to rescue him in the car.
He staggered home and new neighbours a few doors away whom I have not yet met, began singing ‘show me the way to go home’ and flashing car lights at him, presumably because they thought he was drunk. He felt too ill to respond, and trudged home.
Of course they didn’t know the circumstances, but there are many conditions which make people stagger, and I want to go and explain to them what really happened.
My DH says to leave it. What do gransnetters think?

Nannarose Thu 10-Mar-22 12:15:25

I would definitely let them know. Aim not to sound judgemental yourself, even though you will feel it (grr!)
In principle I would rather knock on the door and tell them, but if you don't feel up to that, write a note.
Keep it simple:
Welcome to X Street (if appropriate). We need to let you know that (DH) has a medical condition that sometimes causes him to stagger, and occasionally collapse. Please help, or let someone know if you see him like this - other neighbours are aware
[NB: if they aren't, then tell them as well!]

Thank you.....Bankhurst & DH

This gives them room to apologise.
The reason I wouldn't ignore them (though tempting) is that we all need to get on with our neighbours - you might need their assistance at some point, so best not to take umbrage, even when well deserved.

Great shame that you have to deal with this - and I wouldn't go into any medical details - if asked say briefly 'a neurological condition'. If you don't say, it makes ignorant people more nosey!

Good luck!

Dee1012 Thu 10-Mar-22 12:43:17

My son suffers from severe Vasovagal syncope and the number of times he's been accused of being drunk, taking drugs etc.....

There has been times that people have literally stepped over him in the street!
You have my sympathy.

nadateturbe Thu 10-Mar-22 12:57:17

I wouldn't want to ask for their help. They don't sound very nice. I might put a very brief note through the letterbox saying my husband was staggering because he has a medical condition but only if my husband agreed. Otherwise I would ignore them.

luluaugust Thu 10-Mar-22 13:26:20

I know a type 1 diabetes sufferer who was staggering about in the street, he was young at the time and obviously everyone thought he was drunk, very luckily for him one person had a diabetes sufferer in her family and stopped and called an ambulance.
At some point you are bound to speak to the new neighbours so I would mention it at that time, as your DH has said he wants it left

BlueBelle Thu 10-Mar-22 13:28:15

But nanotube if you don’t speak to then how will people ever be educated about things, they will go on and consider him a silly old drunk to be laughed at. Once told you will see how they behave and be able to make better judgements of their characters.
Sometimes ignorant people aren’t t nasty people, just ignorant surely however much it shouldn’t need doing sometimes it has to be done.

I remember reading about a lady who’s child had a lot of physical problems but when the kids came up and went ‘uhhhh yuk what’s up with her face’ she wanted to strangle them, but instead she sat them down and told them what, how and why and enlisted their help and before long they were almost falling out as to who could push the wheelchair or look after her etc etc
There’s an old Chinese proverb ( I know you don’t want anything from China but it s true) the cold wind had a bet with the sun that it was stronger he said I m so strong I can blow the coat off that man, so he blew and blew and the more he blew the tighter the man wrapped the coat around him. So then the sun had his turn and he gently began to shine and warm up and then get hotter until the man whipped his coat off …the powers of persuasion are stronger than the powers of war
Now I m going for a lie down ?

Oldladynewlife Thu 10-Mar-22 13:28:32

Horrible situation. I would not leave it to chance. In fact I would just notify the neighborhood in a non judgmental way—like go to all the neighbors that I know and let them know to be on the lookout in case OH collapses. A very well respected journalist went out for a run, here, without ID and fell, lost consciousness, and was picked up for drunk instead of treated for concussion. He died of it. So you might consider getting some kind of ID bracelet or other ID/contact info onto your husband.

Hithere Thu 10-Mar-22 13:28:37

What concerns me from this thread is how fast "you are drunk" is accepted, instead of "are you feeling ok"

I think this highlight a much bigger issue in British society

Shandy57 Thu 10-Mar-22 13:40:18

Forget about the new neighbours and their moronic behaviour, they aren't worth your breath.

Best wishes to your husband for a diagnosis and treatment.

nadateturbe Thu 10-Mar-22 14:20:29

I get your point about educating people Bluebelle so a note through the door would explain. Although her husband doesn't appear to want that. I wouldn't want to get to know them. If I saw a neighbour stagger because he was drunk I wouldn't laugh. I would make sure he got home safely.

BlueBelle Thu 10-Mar-22 14:34:23

But that’s you and me nadateturbe and not everyone is a understanding and caring as us ?some people need it spelling out in black and white and then maybe they d become as lovely as we are ?

The only way you ll know if they are nice or just a bit slow on the uptake or nasty is to speak to them then you ll know whether to nod, be best friends, or ignore and metaphorically put on the naughty step in my opinion

SachaMac Thu 10-Mar-22 14:56:59

The new neighbours sound awful, even if your DH had been drunk why behave like that! If you happen to run into them you could mention it but I wouldn’t go out of my way to approach them to offer an explanation. The important thing is you & your DH know the truth & that’s what counts, let them think what they like. Hope your DH gets a diagnosis and the appropriate treatment soon.

Shelflife Thu 10-Mar-22 15:09:59

Your new neighbours have behaved very badly! Flashing lights at someone drunk or not is inexcusable and dangerous. In your position I would pop round and speak to your neighbours to explain the situation, ask them to call you if they see your DH struggling again. If your neighbours understand the situation they will hopefully respond in a responsible manner.

Serendipity22 Thu 10-Mar-22 15:18:19

This sooo applies to me, not that i have had anyone singing 'Show me the way to go home' but the fact that balance issues can be conceived as being drunk.

I have MS and before the need to use a stick, i was very much aware that my staggering and swaying about left people looking and coming to the WRONG conclusion that i was drunk ( even at 9am ?!?!? )

Regarding feeling the need to explain to the neighbours, i would in a nice way.

It certainly is NOT their fault, no way would i speak to them in an offhand manner, i would simply explain the situation.

Obviously if they know the situation and still continue to insinuate he is drunk, then THAT is a different matter, but as it is of now, they are unaware of his health issues, so i would go round and see them yes, in a friendly manner.

I am sorry your husband is suffering in this way i hope soon it is treated.

All the very best to your husband.smile

love0c Thu 10-Mar-22 15:29:55

I would let them know. It is so unfair to your husband who is suffering. I so clearly remember a strapping churchwarden when I was only 12 year old. He would carry disabled children into Sunday school and help adults. |He was suddenly struck down with illness. He fell over and yes, people thought he was drunk. He was diagnosed with MS very shortly. I remember seeing him fall in the shopping centre and people would walk around him. On one occasion I called for an adult to help and explained he was ill. I will never forget that man.

Patsy70 Thu 10-Mar-22 16:01:12

So very sorry to hear this, Bankhurst, your poor DH. I agree with the majority that you should speak to them face to face and explain the situation. I’m sure they will be very embarrassed by their actions and, hopefully, helpful in future, should the need arise. flowers

Itsnell Thu 10-Mar-22 16:14:22

I would talk to them. My mum has age related macular degeneration and in the early days could manage to get about using her peripheral vision and people would make comments casting doubt that she was blind at all - she’s putting it on etc Then she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and again I’d hear nasty comments from people. One rang me on her high horse to complain that she’d not been at home when a car had gone to pick her up for a medical appointment i politely explained that she had Alzheimer’s and had probably forgotten or got confused - she only half believed me but people should be more tolerant and sympathetic.

Aveline Thu 10-Mar-22 16:18:32

Why not ask for your nieghbours help? Tell them how worried you are about him and ask if they see him in this state again could they get you or help him home? Appeal to their better natures. They might be very ashamed.

VioletSky Thu 10-Mar-22 16:26:34

I'm not sure approaching them will get you anywhere. Even if I thought your husband was drunk, I would have still offered help not behaved like that.

Bankhurst Thu 10-Mar-22 16:58:12

Thank you for your helpful comments. When passing the house of the neighbours this morning, my husband saw someone working in the garden, and asked if he was the owner. He replied that it belonged to his son and went to get him. My husband explained what had happened and the young man was very embarrassed to have to admit to the behaviour and get told off by his dad in front of a stranger. Good result!

Grandmabatty Thu 10-Mar-22 16:59:47

I'm glad your husband dealt with it himself. Hopefully there will be no repercussions and an insensitive neighbour will think twice.

Patsy70 Thu 10-Mar-22 17:01:44

That is a very good result, and I am certain they will be very supportive, should you need any help in future.

nadateturbe Thu 10-Mar-22 17:08:38

Good result Bankhurst.

Perhaps the unfriendly road I live in influences my opinion Bluebelle.

PinkCosmos Thu 10-Mar-22 17:14:40

My dad collapsed in the street whilst he was walking to the dentists.

Turns out he had an undiagnosed heart condition. He was in his 70's.

He had used mouthwash before going to the dentist and there was a bit of gossip going around that he had collapsed because he had been drinking.

He hadn't been drinking (at 10.00am in the morning!!) but the mouthwash has quite a strong smell that I suppose could be mistaken for alcohol

Anyone who knew him knew he wasn't a big drinker anyway. Just a couple of pints a week in the pub with his brother.

Aveline Thu 10-Mar-22 17:18:49

What a good outcome Bankhurst. I hope your poor DH can be diagnosed and helped soon.
Sorry about your Dad PinkCosmos.

Nannarose Thu 10-Mar-22 17:21:26

Thank you for getting back to us.

Couldn't have worked out better - that young man has been taught a useful lesson.