Workaholic DH still working at 76.

Maybe the fact that you have lived hand to mouth before is the reason he continues to work, so he is trying to make up a shortfall in his bank account to pay for things that you missed in the past?
Please sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel. Lock him in the house if you have to until he has heard what you have to say.
Have plans ready to say what you would like to happen that you hopefully will be able to agree on - such as employing a cleaner - use the delivery service for groceries, if only for once a month. Once you sit and think about what you would like to happen and explain it to him, you will hopefully be able to reach a compromise.

Hi, I had the same problem. Fortunately my DH work supply slowed down and we joined a local bowls club. Although finances are now tight he seems to have accepted and is enjoying "our" time

Oh dear - an extreme example of a common scenario. They had it made didn't they - the 'grandads'. Why would he change? A life where one receives great acclaim for doing what you enjoy while everything routine, menial (and NECESSARY) is dealt with by a charming friend.

My husband stopped work at 50…slight, very slight stroke..I had to go full time so he could watch tv 18 hours per day!! Which is what he’s still doing. Since then I’ve had three TIA’s of which he’s been totally oblivious. Do you want to swap husbands ….I’d take yours at the drop of a hat and just spend his extra cash in doing what you want to do. !!

Our friend Danny aged 78years, still working full time at the job he loved. Finished work on Friday for the weekend, dropped dead suddenly on. the Saturday night. Nobody knows the hour or the day? This is why people retire.......or not.

Yes time to pack a bag. Don’t miss the rest of your life being a skivvy for an ungrateful b#@%£&*

If you go on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll go on getting what you’ve always got. If a man treats you as if you do not matter, then please believe him. Make yourself the centre of your world now, and make big changes, you’ve earned it.

Stop doing everything you feel is getting too much for you.

If your husband complains tell him, that if he doesn't want you to die of a stroke either he helps or he pays for help, but that you are no longer going to do it all yourself.

I am not saying you are at a risk of a stroke, I sincerly hope you are not, but at 70 I am seriously wondering how much longer I can cope with "it all" due to DH's poorer health.

Give your dear husband a list of the things that will no longer be your concern after the end of this month and let him work out whether he does the jobs or pays someone to do them.

Men can be so selfish and he’s being silly to himself - no one is indispensable ..,I’m with
Oopsadaisy1 on this!

A slightly different scenario . My late father was in his eighties. He had some land and he kept and over wintered young heifers. He walked almost two miles and back every day to feed these animals. One winter he a severe bout of bronchitis ( when the Dr made home visits!) My mother said to the Dr tell this silly old fool to give up these animals! The Dr replied when a man retires and sits in a chair then the rot begins. Leave him alone and let him do it as long as he can.

In many of the cases mentioned there does have to be a happy medium.

In a town in a rural area three miles from where I live there is a man of 90 still working in Mc Donalds !

YANBU.

I actually think that the previous posters who mooted the idea of divorce (even at this stage of your life) had the right idea. Unless for some reason I can't get to grips with, you love this very selfish, miserly man who clearly doesn't give tuppence for your happiness?

Which would you truthfully prefer - continuing to be a poorly rewarded housekeeper/cook/gardener/secretary, or a new life where you could make new friends via indulging your own interests, whilst only doing what you deemed necessary for your own standards in terms of housekeeping?

Remember, if you take legal advice and divorce, you'll actually be financially better off, as you will be entitled to half of everything - including his "private funds" - and you will DESERVE them. You've certainly worked your share to allow him to amass them!

Even if you end up in a council property, there are many nice ones out there (in my area you choose a council house and see if you get it, rather than be allotted one in an area you'd hate) - and unless where you live is very different from my area, you would be allowed to take your dog with you.

Of course, there might be enough money for you to buy a wee place of your own.

Wouldn't that be better than your current situation? Sometimes one can feel less lonely alone than in a bad relationship.

Not sure that would work EmilyHarburn. My husband is a workaholic too (he should retire next year but.....) and if I went away I know that I would come home to the kitchen covered in dirty dishes, overflowing bins and a pile of laundry.

As you do not have enough pension to cover staff to help out and husband wont't pay I suggest you sign on with a care agency as an occasional live in carer. Then you could do 3 weeks at a time and earn £2,500. Husband can run the house on his own. Doing this 3 times a year would give you enough to pay for the service you need when at home so that you can enjoy your home and retirement life.

You migh even advertise your availability in the Lady and this might find you two nice families - possbily elderly couples whose sons or daughters want to go on holiday etc.

All the very best.

I have a friend who seems to spend her life enjoying walks, days out etc. I suspect her husband would just as soon be back at work, or in a comfy chair at home with his crossword!

I have lived solo in our marriage for donkey's years and all of a sudden at 70, my other half has decided he is semi-retired. It's actually disorientating because I had got used to doing everything myself, holidays included. I think communication is key, if you have a partner who actually goes in for it. Mine doesn't and I'm resigned to it, but if you can achieve a decent heart to heart conversation that is perhaps the best way forward. I wish you success and a better outcome.

I am 71 and love working. I find it so much more interesting than all the 'domestic stuff'. I have just got a new p/t job on a tall ship. My husband never cared if his shirt was ironed etc & never expected me to do it. Only do what you want to? Otherwise you may resent it. Different people have different priorities. If he looks like a crumpled paperbag that is his choice. Maybe you enjoy sorting out the family? Sounds like you are s great organiser. Enjoy yourself. Use that joint account to release yourself to have fun.

He really has a housekeeper, cook, gardener on the cheap. I think at some level he is terrified of loss of status and ageing and death.
But how convenient for him to have you there.
You could play the ' I need your help now' card and appeal to his better nature. If that doesn't work see a solicitor.

YANBU Whilst your DH is helping a charity my thoughts are he is reluctant to give up his "importance". I'd be organising gardener, cleaner, abandon the bookkeeper responsibilities of anything in his name and organise a weekend away for self justifying it that you recognise he is far too busy to have a break. Has he always been so self centred?

Esspee is saying exactly what I'm thinking....

Sadly I’m in the same situation. I sum it up as ‘other people get the cream, and I get the crap’ as he works so hard, despite being ‘retired’ that most people think he’s a saint! I put it down to a mixture of egotism and a sort of low self esteem. The latter I find hard to understand as our family have always supported his work.

I’d seriously wonder whether there’s ‘someone’ at the charity he prefers the company of ……..
Can you offer to help, pop in unexpectedly to see the lie of the land?

The suggestions that you stop doing "all the donkey work" are sensible. It'd be great if you came back at some time in the future and told us this had, as it were, bumped you H out of his self-centredness.

He's doing what he wants to do. You need to do what you want to do and not what you find is unappreciated by His Nibs.

The problem here is not your husband's working, but his shear selfishness in running his life in a way that satisfies him withour any regard to you. You as a person, your needs, your life are entirely subservient to his. If he stopped work today, he would have signed himself up to something else by Monday. The only thing he is interested in is himself. Other people do not count.

The problem isn't the work. It is him. The fact that he keeps all his extra money for himself (but doesn't seem to spend it) and sees no reason to share it, for me would be the last nail that shows he is irrevocably self cented and interested in no one but himself.

Rows never help. If you want to save your relationship I suggest a course of counselling with Relate, if he will agree.

If not, I am sure you will be much happier apart. Every penny he has earned, especially since retirement has been because you have run every other aspect of his life. You have earned the extra money, just as much as he has and are entitled to your share.

You mentioned his private funds, does that mean he keeps his salary to himself?
You are certainly not unreasonable to want to enjoy life. What does he bring to your marriage? Could you be happier on your own?
I am close to you in age and from what you have told us I would be looking for a small flat and preparing to move out.
Half of everything, including his pension and private funds would be split on divorce.
Spend a couple of weeks finding out everything you can about your joint finances then consult a solicitor. After that tell him you are leaving.

I only just read this as I can’t sleep so sorry for the late post. Your husband is not a workaholic he is taking the piss. I worked for a charity in management very briefly they never pay so well my sisters ran charity shops. Your husband is doing his own thing and it does not include you his acquired finances are being enjoyed by him only.
Just do necessary work in your home for your needs your washing ironing cooking and leave the rest for him to sort. If the garden or house need attention he can spend his money on it.
You are not a work horse and deserve better you have one life. Do things for yourself socialise with family and friends volunteer to meet other people it’s what you deserve.