AIBU

Loollipoplove, I understand why you feel let down by people you had relied on. It's horrible , but it happens.

You can't change others' feelings towards you except by changing your own behaviour towards them. Someone here wisely advised you talk about something else when you are with your friend. She has given you an ultimatum and I advise you to do as she asked. What she owes you is beside the point. Obviously she has done as much as she can. It's good that she explained this to you and I think she is worth making the effort for.

The loss of the company of your daughter and grandchildren is obviously very sad for you. Of course, anyone can understand and sympathise!

Again, it's really good that your daughter has explained how she is placed regarding her husband and fears of marriage break up. And it's good you understand her position. What you should do is agree with your daughter's decision, and tell her in a friendly way you will do as she asks with regard to meeting her and the children. She probably feels very bad about this too. All you have done for them is neither here not there in the face of your daughter's problems with her marriage.

Once you have come to the decision to do what your daughter and your friend ask you to do you will be able to stop obsessing and feel happier.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It feels like a rejection which is always hard to deal with on top of the pain you feel with your family.

If the parents themselves dont believe in or cannot afford expensive gifts for the DCs then it can cause resentment if a third party is constantly showering their children with largesse. They may well see this as suborning the affection that the DCs should have for their parents. I know it is natural for grandparents to want to spoil children. However you need to do it descreetly.

I grew up in a very poor household where my parents sent me to school in second had clothes and with holes in my shoes. My grandmother was fourced to take me out and buy me suitable clothes on several occasions. She would like to have done more but was advised by a solicitor friend not to interfere too much. Parents have no legal rights to see their GDCs Im afraid and may have to learn to hold off.

I find the post confusing, but Ive got to be honest. I spend no where near that amount of money on my family at Christmas or any other occasion and they wouldn't expect it. Sometimes throwing money at situations or people isn't the best thing. I don't mean this in a nasty way, but keep your money for the huge energy bills and ever increasing food costs that you will have to pay for. If you needed the help, would your family help you? Ive known many people help out family with vast amounts of money, only to be abandoned in their moment of needing help. I would not want this for you OP. Im afraid the rest of your post regarding your friend, I did not understand.

OP has not returned. Interesting!

I have just tken on your name on GN and how appropriate it is to the mess you are in lollipoplove. This is exactly what you offer your daughter's family - lollipops - if they love you.

Why did you both fall out last summer?

It could be that whatever the fallout was means you relationship isn't now as close and strong as it was, so adding this major need to it has broken it again.

Your friend can only support you so much for so long

She cannot fix this and she needed to protect herself from how it was impacting her life.

She is right in the sense that it won't stop - your background in this board goes back a year at least

You do seem to concentrate on what you have done for others as though they owe you for this.

You want people to spend time with you because they choose to and not for what they have had from you or for what you have done for them.

As more than one person is not treating you as you would like it is time to look at your behaviour and sadly for you, have to accept that we are not liked by everyone.

I’m wondering how you are doing health wise Lollipoplove ? I understood from a thread you started last year that you had had a bad result from a mammogram? You mentioned being on morphine ? Are things better ?

I know that no one would willing see their children in need, but your expenditure on your DD and her family seems quite excessive. £200, to buy SiL a set of headphones, why? £500 each on DGDC's Christmas present? are you mad?

I do think that you are confusing money with love and I wonder why you think money can buy love
I suspect that if you learned to contain yourself more. Reduced your expenditure on the family as a whole and especially limited your expenditure on the adults, to modest presents for Christmas and birthdays and nothing in between except the odd bottle wine or bunch of flowers when you visit. Certainly nothing like £200 headphones for your SiL.Frankly, that is really taking the p*ss (on his part).

I quite understand your friend getting fed up with you constantly talking of nothing else.

I think you need to find outside interests, build a network of friends and interests outside your family and then seek counselling as why you behave as you do, so needy and so convinced that money is the same as love.

Sometimes friends want to talk about general stuff and not spend all of their time with you going over family problems.

Try not to spend time talking about your problems, there are plenty of other subjects to talk about.

I had a good friend, years ago, who I supported hugely. Did a massive amount for her. But when times were hard for me, she was not very supportive. Eventually, when we talked about it, she admitted she couldn't. I was supposed to be 'the strong one'. We didn't fall out over it, but eventually, I got fed up with her and just lost sympathy with 2 or 3 of her problems and our whole friendship fizzled out.

Sometimes, people don't give back as much as they get.

What comes through in you post is your focus on how much money you have spent and what sacrifices you have made but for little reward. It makes you sound rather needy and sometimes that irritates people.

I think you should seek support from people on the estrangement thread who may better understand your complex relationships.