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(15 Posts)
Lollipoplove Wed 30-Mar-22 15:16:09

A friend & I fell out but we got back in touch last summer. She liked a post I put on face book I thanked her she asked to meet up we did. Everything was good we went to the lakes together had a lovely time.
After a few months My SIL caused problems stopping me seeing my Daughter ( she won’t go against him) & stopping me seeing my Grandchildren ( this has happened 4 times before) I didn’t get a Mother’s Day card or text from my Daughter or Grandchildren even though my Daughter said she loves me but her Husband comes first.
I have helped them so many times get them out of debt. Buy the Grandchildren their summer & winter clothes & I buy the Grandchildren their main presents at Birthday & Christmas upto £500 each. Plus all throughout the year I treat them. Plus we spend quality time together baking cakes & desserts. Playing board games planting flowers. But yet again my SIL has put a stop to it all. Because I found out he was lying to me about wanting to spend Christmas just the 4 of them one of the children slipped up & I asked my Daughter if I was the only one being left out ? I asked her this while taking them out on 23rd December having our own Christmas meal which was not cheap. Anyway she came clean & said yes he just doesn’t like you ( a week before he asked me for £200 ear phones which he got). I was in bits I said to my Daughter why can’t you say all your family are spending Christmas with us can’t you put up with my mum fir one day. She said no I’m not will to row with him over you ( she’s petrified he will leave her) he’s been unfaithful twice that I know of. He tried it on with me once.

Well this friend was so helpful good advice & support for 4 months then she said;

“I cannot do all this upset because it doesn't stop Im sorry it's too much for me. Take good care.” “ Just take good care u need to block your Daughter she is very cruel & doesn’t care, get on with your life.”

Bearing in mind in the past she’s had 2 bad marriages & I was there for her every single day on a daily basis she spoke & cried for over 2 years

I don’t want to lose her completely. I have had other friends who have disappeared due to the same personal family problems. Although my Daughter seems to have lots of friends there for her. Which makes me think it must be me or a good majority???

I want to say to my friend that I don’t want to lose her & remind her I was there for her for years on a daily basis But I don’t want to throw it up like tick for tat

How can I say to her I miss her & iv been so kind to her. I gave up seeing other friends to be with her while she cried in my arms for hours. Every night for at least 2 hours I let her speak I just listened I was always there.
We spoke about it a while ago & she thanked me. I said that’s just what friends do.
The day before she sent the texts saying she can’t be there for me anymore I was making a buffet for her while she went to the hair dressers

I’m really hurt. But miss her mostly.

Any advice, ideas. Would be so appreciated x

PECS Wed 30-Mar-22 15:30:11

What comes through in you post is your focus on how much money you have spent and what sacrifices you have made but for little reward. It makes you sound rather needy and sometimes that irritates people.

I think you should seek support from people on the estrangement thread who may better understand your complex relationships.

GagaJo Wed 30-Mar-22 15:32:50

I had a good friend, years ago, who I supported hugely. Did a massive amount for her. But when times were hard for me, she was not very supportive. Eventually, when we talked about it, she admitted she couldn't. I was supposed to be 'the strong one'. We didn't fall out over it, but eventually, I got fed up with her and just lost sympathy with 2 or 3 of her problems and our whole friendship fizzled out.

Sometimes, people don't give back as much as they get.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 30-Mar-22 16:12:45

Sometimes friends want to talk about general stuff and not spend all of their time with you going over family problems.

Try not to spend time talking about your problems, there are plenty of other subjects to talk about.

M0nica Wed 30-Mar-22 16:33:21

I know that no one would willing see their children in need, but your expenditure on your DD and her family seems quite excessive. £200, to buy SiL a set of headphones, why? £500 each on DGDC's Christmas present? are you mad?

I do think that you are confusing money with love and I wonder why you think money can buy love
I suspect that if you learned to contain yourself more. Reduced your expenditure on the family as a whole and especially limited your expenditure on the adults, to modest presents for Christmas and birthdays and nothing in between except the odd bottle wine or bunch of flowers when you visit. Certainly nothing like £200 headphones for your SiL.Frankly, that is really taking the p*ss (on his part).

I quite understand your friend getting fed up with you constantly talking of nothing else.

I think you need to find outside interests, build a network of friends and interests outside your family and then seek counselling as why you behave as you do, so needy and so convinced that money is the same as love.

Lucca Wed 30-Mar-22 16:48:21

I’m wondering how you are doing health wise Lollipoplove ? I understood from a thread you started last year that you had had a bad result from a mammogram? You mentioned being on morphine ? Are things better ?

Elizabeth27 Wed 30-Mar-22 16:52:14

You do seem to concentrate on what you have done for others as though they owe you for this.

You want people to spend time with you because they choose to and not for what they have had from you or for what you have done for them.

As more than one person is not treating you as you would like it is time to look at your behaviour and sadly for you, have to accept that we are not liked by everyone.

Hithere Wed 30-Mar-22 17:10:24

Your friend can only support you so much for so long

She cannot fix this and she needed to protect herself from how it was impacting her life.

She is right in the sense that it won't stop - your background in this board goes back a year at least

VioletSky Wed 30-Mar-22 17:19:40

Why did you both fall out last summer?

It could be that whatever the fallout was means you relationship isn't now as close and strong as it was, so adding this major need to it has broken it again.

M0nica Wed 30-Mar-22 20:58:02

I have just tken on your name on GN and how appropriate it is to the mess you are in lollipoplove. This is exactly what you offer your daughter's family - lollipops - if they love you.

Lucca Sat 02-Apr-22 02:35:54

OP has not returned. Interesting!

Pepper59 Sat 02-Apr-22 10:16:54

I find the post confusing, but Ive got to be honest. I spend no where near that amount of money on my family at Christmas or any other occasion and they wouldn't expect it. Sometimes throwing money at situations or people isn't the best thing. I don't mean this in a nasty way, but keep your money for the huge energy bills and ever increasing food costs that you will have to pay for. If you needed the help, would your family help you? Ive known many people help out family with vast amounts of money, only to be abandoned in their moment of needing help. I would not want this for you OP. Im afraid the rest of your post regarding your friend, I did not understand.

biglouis Sun 03-Apr-22 13:20:21

If the parents themselves dont believe in or cannot afford expensive gifts for the DCs then it can cause resentment if a third party is constantly showering their children with largesse. They may well see this as suborning the affection that the DCs should have for their parents. I know it is natural for grandparents to want to spoil children. However you need to do it descreetly.

I grew up in a very poor household where my parents sent me to school in second had clothes and with holes in my shoes. My grandmother was fourced to take me out and buy me suitable clothes on several occasions. She would like to have done more but was advised by a solicitor friend not to interfere too much. Parents have no legal rights to see their GDCs Im afraid and may have to learn to hold off.

Knittingnovice Mon 04-Apr-22 07:07:43

I'm sorry you're going through this. It feels like a rejection which is always hard to deal with on top of the pain you feel with your family. flowers

Caleo Mon 04-Apr-22 11:25:14

Loollipoplove, I understand why you feel let down by people you had relied on. It's horrible , but it happens.

You can't change others' feelings towards you except by changing your own behaviour towards them. Someone here wisely advised you talk about something else when you are with your friend. She has given you an ultimatum and I advise you to do as she asked. What she owes you is beside the point. Obviously she has done as much as she can. It's good that she explained this to you and I think she is worth making the effort for.

The loss of the company of your daughter and grandchildren is obviously very sad for you. Of course, anyone can understand and sympathise!

Again, it's really good that your daughter has explained how she is placed regarding her husband and fears of marriage break up. And it's good you understand her position. What you should do is agree with your daughter's decision, and tell her in a friendly way you will do as she asks with regard to meeting her and the children. She probably feels very bad about this too. All you have done for them is neither here not there in the face of your daughter's problems with her marriage.

Once you have come to the decision to do what your daughter and your friend ask you to do you will be able to stop obsessing and feel happier.