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Taken for granted by our daughter

(39 Posts)
Goldbeater1 Sat 23-Apr-22 17:33:24

We migrated five years ago to be closer to our daughter and grandchildren. Although the move has gone well and we have found a new social life in our seaside town two hours by train from our daughter (we didn’t want to live in her pocket), she doesn’t seem to appreciate either the expense of relocating 12,000 miles or the effort we make in traveling to her home once a week to mind the kids while she works. My gripe is that she never puts her hand in her pocket, either when she is staying with us, nor when we are with her. It sounds petty, but we always seem to end up buying lots of odds and ends. We aren’t poor, but neither are we wealthy - out daughter has a nice home and earns more than our combined pensions. Is it mean of me to resent her lack of any contribution, despite the fact that we are saving her money by babysitting?

Soozikinzi Sat 23-Apr-22 17:37:46

I'm sure others will be on with more to add but didn't want to scroll by . I do understand and know what you mean we always paid out for our mums and you sometimes think when is it our turn to be treated ? But you chose to move out there . I just hope your daughter is a bit more appreciative in the future.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 23-Apr-22 17:39:05

I'm not sure what financial contribution you expect? It would help to know. Presumably this relocation was your decision?

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 23-Apr-22 17:43:29

Were all these things not discussed before you moved? It sounds like you’re surprised....but I would have thought you’d have had all this in place before such a big move,

I am glad you’re settled there though.

crazyH Sat 23-Apr-22 17:44:55

Your move will be mutually beneficial, I’m sure . I don’t know how old you are, but as we get older we like to be near our family. I am lucky that all mine live in the same town as I do. We are not in each other’s pockets. TBH, I live on my own (divorced). I’m not poor, neither am I rich, but I wouldn’t expect my children to “put their hands in their pockets” to re-imburse me for my travelling expenses etc. I think it’s also a culture thing with me. To each his own. I hope you have some great fun times with your grandchildren, regardless.

Chewbacca Sat 23-Apr-22 17:50:03

What kind of odds and ends are you buying Goldbeater? If it's becoming an issue and causing resentment, you really must speak to your daughter about it. It sounds as though she's comfortably off and possibly just doesn't realise how it's mounting up and causing you financial pressure. Speak to her.

CountessFosco Sat 23-Apr-22 17:56:15

Please do not take this amiss, but if by 12000 miles away you are living where we think, then we actually wonder whether the local attitude has not slightly rubbed off on her? We found it impossible to live there and returned to our family in Europe. It's just our two-pennyworth having resided in the Southern Hemisphere.

trisher Sat 23-Apr-22 17:58:35

My gran, and my mum and dad always slipped me money when my kids were little, and I probably did have more income than them, but I also had lots of expenses. They liked giving it to me and I liked getting it. My mum did the same with my DSs and their kids and I do the same now. I like doing it. I enjoy baby minding as well. If you don't enjoy the childcare don't do it. If you want to be paid for it talk to your daughter and explain. But please don't sit around growing more and more resentful. Either let it go, forget about payment and carry on, or talk to her.

VioletSky Sat 23-Apr-22 18:08:07

Please dont attach strings to things

Moving to be closer, shoukd have been your choice and to your benefit.

Apending time with grandchildren should be about special memories not favours owed.

Contributing money should be about giving not recieving.

You are such a wonderful position to watch this little family grow and be a part of it. That wouod be enough for me

Goldbeater1 Sat 23-Apr-22 18:15:39

Oh dear I think some of you have misunderstood. I regretted posting my message (as soon as it was too late!) but of course I don’t expect to be paid for my help and I do enjoy babysitting - the grandchildren make it all worthwhile! I also love my daughter dearly. By ‘putting a hand in her pocket’ I meant paying for the odd treat when we are all together, rather than it always being our turn, not about being paid for my time!

Scentia Sat 23-Apr-22 18:22:52

My DD used to be very much like this, but I had to just open my mouth and say, “ if we are going to lunch, you will have to pay as I am skint” it works and she will always make sure we know how it is getting paid before we go anywhere!!

Goldbeater1 Sat 23-Apr-22 18:24:04

Thanks for the understanding! judging by the rest of the comments on here I think I was probably over -reacting, but caught my meaning. It’s just been one of those days!

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 23-Apr-22 18:31:34

That seems to me nothing to be so resentful about. Just the odd treat. Isn’t seeing your daughter and grandchildren a huge treat in itself? Something that some posters would give their right arm for. And may I tell you how very lucky you are to have grandchildren. Your daughter may not be as well off as you imagine - there’s no mention of a husband or partner in your posts.

Skydancer Sat 23-Apr-22 18:34:54

I don’t think you are over reacting. I doubt if my DD has a clue how much we spend on her and GS. It really does add up but I grin and bear it. I doubt if I ever paid for anything when in the company of my parents.

VioletSky Sat 23-Apr-22 18:40:45

Goldbeater its probably easy to feel taken for granted...

But.. As long as you arent being actively taken advantage of and used on purpose...

Look at it this way, you are part of a close and loving family...

I wouldn't thank my husband for washing up, we are all part of this family and we give what we can when we can to make life easier for everyone in it.

So give what you can, when you can and don't make life harder for yourself by doing it...

I think you have more than you realise here, you are inner circle which is great

tickingbird Sat 23-Apr-22 18:47:51

You aren’t being mean, your daughter has plenty of money by the sounds of it and is being bad mannered and ungracious by not occasionally saying “I’ll get that”.

Chewbacca Sat 23-Apr-22 18:50:59

Oh dear I think some of you have misunderstood

Yes, I think so too Goldbeater; you're not asking to be paid or reimbursed for childcare etc; you're asking for meals out, day trips etc to be equally borne between you. If I've understood that correctly, no, you're not being unreasonable. Scentia's suggestion was a good one!

sodapop Sat 23-Apr-22 18:52:36

I know how you feel Goldbeater1 it's not that you begrudge anything you do for your family but once in a while it would be nice if your daughter treated you.
Our adult children often revert to childhood habits when they are with their parents and just let them pay.
There are times when we just get annoyed by things ( or is that just me ) enjoy your family they grow up all too soon.

Hithere Sat 23-Apr-22 19:26:56

If you feel taken advantage of, it is time to say no.

M0nica Sat 23-Apr-22 20:05:48

I am with the OP and understand exactly what she means. I fthe family go somewhere, say the zoo, their DD, will leave them to pay for the tickets for the family, and the ice creams, and the little things to take home. If you are on a pension, even comfortable ones, these 'little' extras' can, week by week add up until they account for well over £100 a month, or more.

I suspect it happens because, as children, we are used to our parents picking up the bill, and then when we are first working and money is tight, parents still pick up the bill, until it is an unthought about habit that when out as a family, the parents/granfparents pay.

My personal belief is that these matters should be dealt with openly. If you are uncomfortable about this, find a reason to trigger the discussion. next time a joint outing is planned, where you will just be expected to pay the incidentals, just suggest that the outing be postponed a week or two, because you really cannot afford it this month and then explain why, quickly, briefly and in a casual manner, not accusatory.

The rising cost of petrol and geberal inflation gives a perfect reason, why your expenditure has to be curtailed.

I am sure the problem is just that it has not occurred to your DD just how much you are spending and that it is an issue.

MissAdventure Sat 23-Apr-22 20:14:22

There is no reason why someone on a decent wage shouldn't offer to pay or contribute.

Elizabeth27 Sat 23-Apr-22 20:15:03

Does she know you feel this way? Maybe she thinks you would be offended if she offered to pay for things or gave you money.

Madgran77 Sat 23-Apr-22 20:18:50

I also think the point being made has been misunderstood. I don't see why the OP has to just pay up for all trips and meals out whilst also "being grateful" for seeing/looking after her grandchildren etc. In adult relationships it would be normal to take turns/share costs etc why on earth should Goldbeater| be paying up for everyone all the time, including her adult daughter?

\I think that Scentia is spot on - clarify who is paying in advance if necessary. Say quite openly that you cant afford to pay for everyone, if necessary.

Hithere Sat 23-Apr-22 20:41:35

It is unrealistic for your daughter to contribute towards your expenses when you decided to move to another continent plus 2 hours away from her

Young families also have more expenses than the older generation thinks about - kids, school, career expenses, activities, etc

Chewbacca Sat 23-Apr-22 20:49:31

It is unrealistic for your daughter to contribute towards your expenses

But Goldbeater has clarified that that's not what she's asking for hasn't she? In her post at 18.15 she specifically clarifies this by saying: I meant paying for the odd treat when we are all together, rather than it always being our turn.