Taken for granted by our daughter

No, you are not being unreasonable Goldbeater. Next time you're all going out, say from the outset that you'll be paying for yourselves. Even if that doesn't prompt your D to offer to pick up the bill, at least she'll be paying for herself and the children.

The occasional comment about the cost of living increases may help too.

Hithere

It is unrealistic for your daughter to contribute towards your expenses when you decided to move to another continent plus 2 hours away from her

Young families also have more expenses than the older generation thinks about - kids, school, career expenses, activities, etc

That's not what the OP is complaining as about.
Her daughter seems to just stand back and let her parents pay for absolutely everything. Never says 'no,lunch is on me', or takes her turn at paying for cinema tickets and so on.

Basically she behaves like a child when her parents are around and expects them to fork out for everything.

Hithere

I had the opposite issue with my parents and older relatives - they insisted so bad to pay the bill themselves for everything that it made me very uncomfortable, it offended them it occurred to me to pay the bill

I could hear them complaining later how they paid for everything and didn't get enough thanks

I started rejecting invited to avoid "misunderstandings"

Hithere I have had that situation too! I got a really well paid job when I was in my early thirties and things changed for us financially. Yet when I went home for a visit my parents still wouldn’t let me pay for meals out. In the end I got really annoyed and told them that I was so lucky to have got such a well paid job, and had been totally looking forward to being able to treat them to meals out. I let them know that I was really upset that they weren’t allowing me to do it. They came round to my way of thinking and I was able to take them out to nice places, especially on special occasions. I think they really enjoyed the switch once they got used to the idea. It must have been really difficult for you having them insist on paying, and then moan about it.

My father always liked to pay for everything when we went out, but we got in the habit of saying to him before we went out anywhere 'Now, this is our treat' or something similar, so that the issue was dealt with in advance.

I can still remember the day DD, having been in her first proper job for a couple of months told DH and I proudly that she was going to take us out for a meal, instead of the reverse.

Mine were used to us picking up the tab for meals etc. We did it because they were young parents with mortgages etc. They never asked us, we just did it. I was widowed and still jumped up to pay for a meal for two families and me.

Then one day decided that this had to stop, so on being invited out to a pub lunch with them, I went and quietly slipped my daughter enough to pay for my meal. I did the same when I went to the theatre with them all, she had bought the tickets but I slipped her the money for my ticket. I wanted to buy the children some ice creams, slipped her the money for them. All very quietly and now there is no silent expectation or awkwardness. They would pay but I like to pay my way but I don`t make a fuss about it.

I understand exactly where the op is coming from. It is a bind and tradition that is hard to break but it can be done

Btw it is so lovely to be included

Hithere that”s a horrible situation why do people do that?

A picnic would be an excellent way of sharing the cost Goldbeater. You could suggest that your daughter bring the bits that she knows the GC especially like to eat, whilst you do the chicken legs and salads etc. Everyone gets involved, shares the food and the costs.

It’s been interesting reading all the responses and thank you. I think some of you were spot on about our adult kids being used to us picking up the tab for everything. I’ve avoided actually asking DD to pay occasionally, not wanting to rock the boat, but I really like Scentia’s suggestion. In future I’ll be following thr ‘Okay but I’m skint’ suggestion, as in ‘Okay but I’m skint so it will have to be a picnic.’

I had the opposite issue with my parents and older relatives - they insisted so bad to pay the bill themselves for everything that it made me very uncomfortable, it offended them it occurred to me to pay the bill

I could hear them complaining later how they paid for everything and didn't get enough thanks

I started rejecting invited to avoid "misunderstandings"

I do understand. I think our children are used to us picking up the tab, no matter how old they are! We normally pay for lunches, museum entries etc, but if I found it to be a burden, I would gracefully sit back and wait for them to pick up the tab. Like you say, it's not that they can't afford it, it's just that they are used to us paying.

Just be a bit slow on reacting next time you are out, and see if they pick up the tab.

Why doesn’t the OP simply speak to her daughter?

M0nica

Thanks

OP

Who suggests those outings?
Many times, people do things they wouldn't normally do as they have guests

I usually treat our boys for most outings, but they always offer to pay - and (when they lived here) organised dinners or movies out their treat.
I think it’s okay to say, such an such outing will have to be your turn as things are tight on a fixed income.
They probably don’t even think about it - but I’d gently let them know that you can’t pay everytime.

Hithere I think OP is talking about incidental expenses of outings and treats, not their decision to move.

I agree young families have many expenses but that is no reason why grandparents should be expected to pay for all leisure outings. Many pensioners have very small pensions and when people retire abroad in many countries thy UK government will not give them pension increases once they leave this country. OK if you go to some countires but not all.

It is unrealistic for your daughter to contribute towards your expenses

But Goldbeater has clarified that that's not what she's asking for hasn't she? In her post at 18.15 she specifically clarifies this by saying: I meant paying for the odd treat when we are all together, rather than it always being our turn.

It is unrealistic for your daughter to contribute towards your expenses when you decided to move to another continent plus 2 hours away from her

Young families also have more expenses than the older generation thinks about - kids, school, career expenses, activities, etc

I also think the point being made has been misunderstood. I don't see why the OP has to just pay up for all trips and meals out whilst also "being grateful" for seeing/looking after her grandchildren etc. In adult relationships it would be normal to take turns/share costs etc why on earth should Goldbeater| be paying up for everyone all the time, including her adult daughter?

\I think that Scentia is spot on - clarify who is paying in advance if necessary. Say quite openly that you cant afford to pay for everyone, if necessary.

Does she know you feel this way? Maybe she thinks you would be offended if she offered to pay for things or gave you money.

There is no reason why someone on a decent wage shouldn't offer to pay or contribute.

I am with the OP and understand exactly what she means. I fthe family go somewhere, say the zoo, their DD, will leave them to pay for the tickets for the family, and the ice creams, and the little things to take home. If you are on a pension, even comfortable ones, these 'little' extras' can, week by week add up until they account for well over £100 a month, or more.

I suspect it happens because, as children, we are used to our parents picking up the bill, and then when we are first working and money is tight, parents still pick up the bill, until it is an unthought about habit that when out as a family, the parents/granfparents pay.

My personal belief is that these matters should be dealt with openly. If you are uncomfortable about this, find a reason to trigger the discussion. next time a joint outing is planned, where you will just be expected to pay the incidentals, just suggest that the outing be postponed a week or two, because you really cannot afford it this month and then explain why, quickly, briefly and in a casual manner, not accusatory.

The rising cost of petrol and geberal inflation gives a perfect reason, why your expenditure has to be curtailed.

I am sure the problem is just that it has not occurred to your DD just how much you are spending and that it is an issue.

If you feel taken advantage of, it is time to say no.

I know how you feel Goldbeater1 it's not that you begrudge anything you do for your family but once in a while it would be nice if your daughter treated you.
Our adult children often revert to childhood habits when they are with their parents and just let them pay.
There are times when we just get annoyed by things ( or is that just me ) enjoy your family they grow up all too soon.

Oh dear I think some of you have misunderstood

Yes, I think so too Goldbeater; you're not asking to be paid or reimbursed for childcare etc; you're asking for meals out, day trips etc to be equally borne between you. If I've understood that correctly, no, you're not being unreasonable. Scentia's suggestion was a good one!

You aren’t being mean, your daughter has plenty of money by the sounds of it and is being bad mannered and ungracious by not occasionally saying “I’ll get that”.

Goldbeater its probably easy to feel taken for granted...

But.. As long as you arent being actively taken advantage of and used on purpose...

Look at it this way, you are part of a close and loving family...

I wouldn't thank my husband for washing up, we are all part of this family and we give what we can when we can to make life easier for everyone in it.

So give what you can, when you can and don't make life harder for yourself by doing it...

I think you have more than you realise here, you are inner circle which is great