Feeling inconsequential.

MoaningTurtle

My son and DIL both know that I love them, I’ve told them a million times and that we were so happy they were coming back. We bend over backwards to be supportive parents and grandparents, financially, time wise, emotionally (always there for them 24/7 day and night.
My son is autistic and suffers from depression and anxiety so it’s actually very hard to have a full relationship with him as by his own admission he’s a loner and it’s only his own family unit that really concerns him.
I’ve come to terms with that, painful as it’s been but things still hurt me deeply.
I honestly don’t think I can do more to be a better Mum, Mum in law or granny.

I am wondering whether the answers lay in this paragraph.

I understand you’re feeling rejected. I absolutely get it, but I get a sense of you feel you do so much....and get nothing back. I’m so sorry if I’ve misunderstood.

I know we grandparents may not always be around, but that doesn’t mean we have to be accommodated all the time. We’ve had our time...with our children. Now it’s their turn.

Anything we get with them is a bonus. Thankful if we do, accepting if we don’t.

Plans change. I would say, please don’t read too much into this, and just look forward to the time when you will see them.

Take care.

When I was the DiL, I visited MiL out of respect and a kind of duty. These visits were pleasant but a little formal and my son became restless very quickly. I did not work, therefore I had some time even though we lived an hour apart. We invited her to ours but she would only come if H collected her and deposited her back home and staying over was an absolute no no. It was a difficult situation but we hobbled along. Sons have little recollection of her now whereas they remember my Mum with a lovely glow. She was regularly dropping by even though she too lived an hour away and playing with them. She also worked full time. Sometimes we do reap what we sow. I suggest you try to take some sort of initiative and try to promote future meetings, not necessarily at yours. Perhaps public fun venue for instance?

Hithere

The main purpose of this visit was a playdate, for the benefit of both kids

When the playmate couldn't make it, the other parent and kid also saw the main reason of the visit to be gone -there was no cousin to play with

Parents prioritize activities based what is best for the kids, not a third party

Add busy lives of parents to the mix and it makes it worse

I entirely agree. These things happen. It’s a small disappointment, we all have them and it’s up to you to fix another time for them to come. Please don’t live up to your username or they won’t want to visit.

Relationships within families can be tricky to manage even before children get married and have their own children. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say that you are disappointed because the visit has been cancelled, it's how you say it that matters so it doesn't sound whiny and cross. I had a great relationship with my MIL but it developed over a few years and what I appreciated about her was that she was always kind, never judgmental and completely undemanding. She had her own life so if we visited we needed to book well in advance as we knew she wasn't waiting around for us to call, so we, of course, never cancelled unless completely necessary. Just good manners really.

Hitgere, why did you say you understood why dil had cancelled? That is so harsh. MT was looking forward to seeing them all, what’s wrong with that? It would have been nice if they could have made another arrangement. I think sonet8mes people don’t think they are talking to an actual person who is feeling hurt about something.
Moaning Turtle, I understand how you are feeling, I have also felt as you do, the trouble is there is nothing we can do about it, if we say somethings, it’s moaning and that’s a reason to keep away. I had to accept a long time ago where I was in the pecking order, develop a way of not expecting anything so that when I do see them was a bonus. I am estranged from my eldest, so I just go along with everything now. I used to go every week to my mother in laws, ask her to meals etc. How times change,

MoaningTurtle
Perhaps tell your DiL how much you would like to get to know your gs.
When your gs is older he might stay with you by himself.

My DiL would never visit me alone. I can understand.

Hithere
For your benefit and ^referring to MiL as third party both sound rude to me.
Aspergers is managed, sometimes, with great difficulty and stress by the non asperger partner. Try getting my husband to visit!

I can understand your initial disappointment but hopefully now you realise they were coming for a particular reason

If second daughter in law had told the little boy he was having a morning with his cousin think of HIS disappointment when he got to yours to find no cousin to play with

It s not really hard to put right is it re invite them and be flexible with small children and busy mums

Some of those SONS

There - fixed it!

Some of these Mums whether daughters or daughters in law just sound so juvenile or plain thoughtless.

Why don’t some people just grow up and stop behaving like infant school pupils who’ve been made to sit next to someone they don’t know.

Of course you are not unreasonable to feel sad.
All you can do, though, is invite them to arrange another date to visit you together.

Your DiL may have been wishing she hadn't arranged it, because of her busy week. Then she seized the chance to back out without thinking it could have an effect on you.

You could maybe suggest short visits, at your home or theirs, so that your DGS can get to know you and become happy to spend time with you.

jaylucy

Invite them over for lunch or tea and tell them how disappointed you were that they didn't come before as planned. I think some get so caught up with their busy lives that they forget that it is easy to hurt others if they change plans at the last minute.
Where are their husbands/ partners ? Can you not involve them ?

Oh gosh
Call them over to tell them off? Tell on them to their husbands?!
This is how relationships are ruined

The main purpose of this visit was a playdate, for the benefit of both kids

When the playmate couldn't make it, the other parent and kid also saw the main reason of the visit to be gone -there was no cousin to play with

Parents prioritize activities based what is best for the kids, not a third party

Add busy lives of parents to the mix and it makes it worse

You’re not unreasonable to want to see your grandchildren, it is the most natural thing ever. And as you say, one family have been working abroad for a year and grandson has become a bit clingy. Maybe you couldn’t keep very much in touch with them whilst they were away and that’s sad. Our own daughter and family are living in New Zealand for two years and we miss them enormously. We are lucky in that we get to talk to our daughter and the children every week. We bought a Portal to use on the television on our SiL’s advice and so we can see them on the television which is lovely. If this was missing it’s understandable that your little grandson is shy. Try not to worry. Take it slowly, one step at a time, and he will get used to you again. Could you possibly invite the whole family for Sunday lunch sometimes? We do that a lot with our sons and their families. It’s nice to eat and chat together.

Don't feel too bad MoaningTurtle, like others have said you are the common denominator and the dynamic would have been different. Maybe your other DIL is a bit shy or not at ease. I would have felt let down as well.

If you just reply with a 'oh too bad, well then next time" and try not to dwell on it.

MoaningTurtle

Hithere

I think that’s a little harsh to be honest. Of course I want to see my DILs but obviously am disappointed at not seeing my grandsons and personally no I don’t see why she wouldn’t bring the little man to visit his granny and gramps, most people do.

I think it’s a little harsh too. ‘Hoping your dil was going to deliver her kids for your benefit’ - As I understood it, the visit was already arranged and you dil was cancelling? I lived miles away from my mum and dad when my daughter was growing up - I had to move away from home for work - so we couldn’t pop round for visits every five minutes. I would have loved to be able to. I don’t know what you can do to improve the situation - maybe just keep offering and hope for the best? I’d say my daughter and I get on pretty well but she has a really demanding job and we have little week day contact. It’s a sad part of modern life I think.

It sounds as though the two daughters-in-law, with your agreement thought they were having a "playdate".

Two of my daughter in laws were coming over to our house tomorrow so that my little grandsons could play together, they are almost the same age.

If they don't know each other well, you are the "common denominator" I think - the bonus to you is that you get to see the little ones.
Unfortunately, with one no longer able to come it seems totally reasonable to cancel (and rearrange if possible).

I'd offer to have them another day for their get-together and hopefully it will all go to plan next time.

Thanks for supporting them, I am sure they are very appreciative

Your dil is also very patient with your son, I am sure. It cannot be easy and it may keep her even busier as she may have to cover for things your son is not able to do.

The cancellation of this visit is just that - a change of plans.

It is a young family, recently came back from abroad.....it is all good, give it time.

My son and DIL both know that I love them, I’ve told them a million times and that we were so happy they were coming back. We bend over backwards to be supportive parents and grandparents, financially, time wise, emotionally (always there for them 24/7 day and night.
My son is autistic and suffers from depression and anxiety so it’s actually very hard to have a full relationship with him as by his own admission he’s a loner and it’s only his own family unit that really concerns him.
I’ve come to terms with that, painful as it’s been but things still hurt me deeply.
I honestly don’t think I can do more to be a better Mum, Mum in law or granny.

'Am I unreasonable to feel sad that she won’t come and visit me anyway? They have just moved back after working away for a year and I would love to catch up on time with my little grandson.'

Yes. A little bit.
1) if you're unhappy with the contact you have with your grandson, speak to your son.

2) if you want to catch up with your DIL and gs, let your DIL know that you'd like to see her too.

If you want a good relationship with your grandchild, form a relationship with his mother.

Maybe she just feels more comfortable with the other daughter in law there, it does not sound as though you are not close so she may feel a bit awkward.

I overlooked that they where meeting at yours I'm sorry.
I was generalising about family making their own arrangements.

Invite them over for lunch or tea and tell them how disappointed you were that they didn't come before as planned. I think some get so caught up with their busy lives that they forget that it is easy to hurt others if they change plans at the last minute.
Where are their husbands/ partners ? Can you not involve them ?

I understand how disappointing it can be when a much looked forward to visit with GCs is cancelled.
I wouldn't be too hurt that your DiL decided not to come. I don't think my DiL would have visited me without my son.
It was usually my son who would bring my GCs to see me.

Hithere

In many families now, the dil takes care of relationships with her family, the son with his family - no more social secretary role for the dil

It is her time too, she has had a busy week, she could be tired, have to run errands, etc

Do you want this to be a forced out obligation family meeting?

Talk to your son. He will make the effort of coordinating this if it ranks high enough in his priority list.

Talk to your son. He will make the effort of coordinating this if it ranks high enough in his priority list.

Crikey!

I wonder if he makes an Excel sheet?

We have no automatic rights over our adult children, their lives, or the grandchildren, and I certainly would never put pressure on mine... but if my son had to make a priority list to decide whether I was important enough to be put on it, I think I'd tell him not to bother.

I also led a busy life when I was working full time and raising him, but always found time to see my mother who was happy enough with a quick 'cuppa' and catch-up. And I'm glad I did because she died suddenly and unexpectedly. I would hate to have had regrets...

Grandparents are aging and they are not going to be around for ever - and might not always be in the best of health. I hope the son doesn't put them too far down on the 'priority list'...