Am I wrong to not spend more time there?

Her believes serve her own purposes very well

Her believes dont have to be yours.
You can respect her believes while not doing what she expects at the same time

She will expect to move in with you, closer in the future.

You have the power to decide how to live your life, don't let a parasite infest it.

JacknJill

I have tried talking to my brother but he says my Dad would want us to try to continue what he had done and says 'she's doing really well I'm proud of her for doing her own cooking and washing etc' so I don't bother anymore, I'm actually not proud of her for carrying out basic tasks. I have friends in their 80s and 90s who are a lot more independent.

It sounds then like your brother is happy to carry on letting you do the lions share

Tell him it’s his turn and you’ll do the hour long pop ins

I have a friend who’s father in law died very suddenly. Her mother in law moved a very great distance to now live with them and the school age children.

Like your mother, this woman was waited on hand and foot by her husband. If they don’t get her out of their house soon, the marriage will collapse.

Don’t let her run your life.

From what you just said about the holiday incident 25 years ago, your Mother has always been selfish, now she is older and selfish. Being a parent, being an older person does not give your rights over your family. Try cutting down a bit at a time perhaps; maybe cut your calls (what on earth do you find to talk about?) to twice a day from three times, then cut it to one. You cannot possibly ignore your own time, needs, wants, and that of your own family, so maybe gradually cut your visits? You Mother has plenty of companionship, more than many of her generation do. Your brother sounds like an enabler with his comments about her being able to cook and look after herself in her early 70s, most of us do, unless we have some sort of physical difficulty.

But, if nothing else, come on here for a vent!

Interesting thread. We have lived close to my widowed mother for many years. She is eighty but in good health. I do quite a lot with her. My brother and sister live a little further away but see her regularly too. When I retire, or semi-retire, my husband and I would like to move around 100 miles away to somewhere very special to us (my husband is a little older than me and already retired). We were concerned for Mum, even though we would plan to see her often and have her stay with us but her reaction was very positive, saying that it is our lives and to do as we felt right.

Musicgirl, please can we swap mothers? I live 3 doors up the road from my Mum and want to move up to 2 miles away. Honestly, you'd think I was moving to Scotland (its tempting) and she goes into a paroxysm of rage when I talk about moving. When I point out that she could move into a Granny Annexe with me or a bungalow nearby, that is not an acceptable solution but it was acceptable for my sister to move 70 miles away. Somehow I should think I am lucky that she doesn't want to lose me! If I didn't laugh about it, I'd cry!

Music girl your mum sounds lovely I'm sure it'll all work out perfectly

icanhandthemback, I feel for you! If 2 miles is a drama you should make it 20! ?

I had a daughter that wanted my support, I use to do it by phone as it was nearly a 2 hour trip each way. It was hard work, doing the online shopping with her, looking after her finances etc and felt guilty if I didn’t. We were in contact sometimes 3 times a day but I did cut it eight down and managed to get rid of the guilt feeling. Get her set up with an alarm system, I did with my daughter. They would phone me when she fell and I would tell them ring for an ambulance. Not much Elise you can do from a distance. Cut the phone calls down to a quick one a day and then every other day. See if she will get a mobility scooter so she can go out on her own and don’t give in, you have your health and family to think of. It’s pure emotional blackmail

Barmeyoldbat That sounds so difficult for you.
I spoke to her about an electric wheelchair or mobility scooter but she said it will make her dizzy she prefers to be pushed.

Jacknjill

It doesnt mean you have to push her chair, given that you got injured once already

Beggars cannot be choosers - especially when they depend on others for their needs

JacknJill
Can I ask when your mother started to use a wheelchair because of her weight? Was it when your father was still alive.

*JacknJill, your mother is being utterly unreasonable and needs to be pulled up fast. make it clear to her that any help from you is dependent on her making an effort. Refuse to push her in the wheelchair. Tell her you have injured yourself once and next time could leave you in a situation where you could not help her at all.

She is emotionally black mailing you. You have to learn to say 'no' to her. Get her fixed up with a call alarm, so that you can ignore calls if you do not want to reply to phone calls. Your mother clearly has all her wits about her, even if she has physical disabilities. She should be capable of organising her own life.

I know it would be nice to have a solution that does not require you to anger your mother. But we all know that is impossible. One at a time, itwm by item, force her to look after herself.

If she throws the personal alarm across the room and then makes sure she falls out of her chair so that she can blame you if no one finds her for several hours, you could point out that she has never not been able to phone you because she has dropped the phone. That everything was set up for her deal with the situation, but she chose to put herself at risk.

It will be hard, traumatic and deeply troubling, but there is no alternative - and you know it.

Discuss it with your family, enlist their support and gradually prise the hold your mother has over you. Your mother could live another 10 years and if she does, and you do not do something, you will die before she does.

That’s rubbish about getting dizzy in a mobile scooter, simply be firm and say either that or a wheelchair with big wheels that you can push yourself. Just say I am not doing it. My daughter had huge mobility problems but would not use any aids or a scooter. Even the wheelchair I got her she tried to get rid of it. All she wanted to was hold onto me and I just couldn’t do it, so I firmly told her I wasn’t taking her out and stuck to it. Sober didn’t go out!

JacknJill
This awful situation could be over in one week if choose to grasp the nettle
Just one week and it could all be over, think about it or you choose for it to continue for the next how many years?

The simple question to ask yourself... would you accept this behaviour and treatment from anyone else?
??
There you go!!
Just because she gave birth to you does NOT mean you are indebted to her for the rest of your life!
She is capable of sorting her own life out if she can phone you, get food delivered etc.
Step back... one phone call a day to confirm she is up and about..
Visit as and when it suits YOU.
She has the option of going out and making friends.
She has contact with other people.
The idea that her children OWE her something is farcical when she is subjecting you to verbal and emotional abuse.
Look after you, and your children.
Do not reward bad behaviour by giving her attention when she stamps her foot!
As I said... you would not accept this behaviour from anyone else...

She started to use a wheelchair about 10 years ago maybe longer and done a lot less when my Dad was alive. She didn't even get herself a drink of water!
Ok you're all right and I have support from my children too so onwards and upwards .

Take care of yourself JacknJill, do steal some time for you, without any guilt.

So your mother is used to be served like a queen and she doesnt want it to stop- too bad so sad.

It is sad, she's not a bad person I think she's just been looked after all her life and doesn't know how to deal with this next stage. She's angry that my dad died and left her. She needs to move through the grief but can't seem to. We all miss him terribly but can look back and share good memories.

It’s so sad but if you give her pointers where she can get help and what she can do to help herself then you should be amble to have a clear conscience and a better life. Good luck and stay strong.

Someone said mobile phones not always being a good thing, I totally agree and would love to not be quite so contactable

Ive had a mobile since they first became generally available (my first one was like a brick) but I never told my family I had one! Nor do I admit widely to having a smart phone now. I had to get one as my security system will not run on a tablet.

But its smart enough to keep out of my way!

JacknJill, I feel so angry on your behalf at your selfish mother.
I’m afraid, with a short wick, I would have snapped long before this.
In fact, she sounds so thick skinned that I think a good telling off would be a good idea. Tell her exactly what you think, what you are prepared to do and let her like it or lump it. It will clear the air. I had a bullying, demanding MIL and only a robust approach worked. Some people only fall in and respect you if you stand no nonsense and nonsense is certainly what she is coming up with.
And get that brother of yours to make an effort.

If I try telling her like it is she will cry and have a 'funny turn' I am definitely not going every two weeks any more I'll move to 3 or 4 depending on what's happening. I'm thinking of being less available on my drive to and from work by saying I'm doing a car share. My daughter was there with her from Thursday until yesterday and today she's angry that my brother didn't pop in to see her today so she's been on her own since yesterday.

Your mother starts crying and complaining - leave or cut the call

Complains you do not visit enough? Skip the next visit

She is a toddler - treat her as such