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Am I wrong to not spend more time there?

(81 Posts)
JacknJill Fri 06-May-22 10:35:38

I need some help please.
I'm in my 50s have grown up children and one at home still in school. My lovely Dad passed away a few years ago, he was my Mum's carer. I live over 100 miles away. My Mum lives in a 3 bed house and is able to do her own washing cooking etc she's only mid 70s so not old. Her mobility issues are due to her weight and therefore she needs to be in a wheelchair when she leaves the house. She would like me to spend every weekend at her house with her to keep her company and take her out but I work full time and just cannot commit to that. She calls me to tell me she cannot go on like she is etc and I'm really struggling with the guilt.

Summerlove Wed 11-May-22 22:51:39


If I try telling her like it is she will cry and have a 'funny turn' I am definitely not going every two weeks any more I'll move to 3 or 4 depending on what's happening. I'm thinking of being less available on my drive to and from work by saying I'm doing a car share. My daughter was there with her from Thursday until yesterday and today she's angry that my brother didn't pop in to see her today so she's been on her own since yesterday.

That’s her trying to manipulate you.

Florencelady Wed 11-May-22 23:28:21

Would she be happier in a Nursing Home where there would be company and distraction? Most people fight that but as she is used to having someone look after her she might actually like it. It is not possible for you to keep up the level of support she is demanding as well as hold down a busy job while being a parent yourself. So don't feel guilty. But a change might help her as she sounds like she will never be content in her present situation

Goldbeater1 Mon 16-May-22 09:11:41

No, no and no. My dad died when mum was eighty six and already partially sighted. I lived 1000 km away and could only visit at half term (I was a teacher). Mum was horribly lonely, bereft without dad, but she never once played the guilt card on my sister or I - rather she showed how delighted she was with the company when we visited. Your mum needs to think of your needs and stop being so selfish.

luluaugust Mon 16-May-22 10:04:08

You can change things so the therapist is wrong. Yes, cut back on the calls each day, once is surely enough and if you are doing the calling then you choose when. I would have thought the GC were a very good reason for not going more than once a month, even that seems a lot, ours seem to have every weekend filled with clubs and outings to meet friends all of which require mum/dad and a car. You could be in for a long haul here so you must think of yourself and stick to plans.

JacknJill Wed 18-May-22 06:25:58

Thank you all, it's good to read your stories and relatable experiences.
I'm visiting this weekend and went away last weekend which was lovely and I didn't all once on Saturday which is a first.