Am I being ridiculous?

I understand how you feel....a bit surplus to requirements unless they need something! We feel like that sometimes, but then we remember what a lovely family life we had when they were children, and glad we made the most of it.

The fact that they all seem to be settled and successful is down to you. You’ve done a great job. Now...you just have to sit back, let them lead their lives, and expect nothing. That way...you’ll never be disappointed.

Make your own life, and don’t jump up immediately they ask you too.

Take care

Boadicea I'm afraid being the best mum we can be is all we can do. Please don't dwell on it. Make your social life where you are, ignore those who constantly go on about their fabulous family lives; your kids sound lovely, if a little insensitive.

Happy Mothers Day BJ. You sound like a really good mum who doesn’t deserve to feel the way you do.
I’m assuming that you live in a country in which air travel is as commonplace as getting on a bus or train in the UK. Could your DGC visit you?

Well, that's Mothers' Day almost over, and I had one text. Better than none, I suppose.

Kate1949 How I agree with you!

I think you sound like a lovely mum. I used to think I was very close to my daughter. I now feel like a bit of an afterthought. It's hurtful but I think we have to come to terms with the fact that our children don't feel the same way about us as we do about them.

There’s no excuse for forgetting birthdays other than what’s already been said - men are dreadful at remembering.
Have you thought that, working full time, having children and with money tight it could be difficult for your sons to travel a long way to see you? If they live at opposite ends of the country from you then so much time and money would be spent in travelling, making weekend trips infeasible, and as they get older the grandchildren have outside interests and don’t want to spend a lot of time visiting Granny no matter how much they love you.
You’re lucky to have a full life and to be able to visit. So much easier for you than for them. Carry on as you are but when you visit don’t buy expensive food to cook. Maybe take them out for a meal if you want to treat them but don’t cook food they couldn’t afford to buy.

Boadicea, yes, I think we try too hard. I can’t bake, or cook, but I do a lot of other things for them - money, gifts, but it’s all on their terms.
I have one daughter and 2 sons. Unfortunately, my relationship with the boys is dependent on my d.I.ls. One slip by me and I get the silent treatment !! really, at my age, I can’t be walking on eggshells all the time. It’s tedious. If it wasn’t for the GC, I’d move to a remote island. I’m on my own, so I think I fret too much. Have a lovely weekend all …..
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Agre with the comments above. I’ve raised three sons and as I’m getting older starting to feel a bit invisible. I’m determined to spend more time with my husband especially at weekends a see are still working, I’m not going to let life pass me by. Like you I know I’ve been a good mum and given them their independence maybe a little too much!

Good post Hithere it gives another person’s balanced view. I could say I’m in the same boat as Boadicea as I have two sons who live abroad, and I have similar experiences. I’m sure they love us but especially males, don’t show it as much as we would like.

BoadiceaJones, it seems to me that you're just trying too hard - and giving too much.

I noticed that, to my adult children, I was always still 'Mum' and pretty much taken for granted, really - until I had a serious back injury. Then they arrived, helped out and took care of me and the pets.

Since then, I'm firmly in the 'old and doddery' category (I don't like it) they check on me - and check with each other that one's been in contact. They help out more (although I'm fine) with cooking, gardening and DIY when they stay here.

The plans have really shifted towards the family gatherings being here - or somebody collects/returns me when I used to just hop on a train. I'm not in charge any more - they are - and I take care not to mention any ladder climbing, heavy lifting etc. that I'm not now supposed to do!

Hi boadicea I think you sound as if you ve done a fantastic job and brought your children up to be strong individuals
It’s terribly disappointing when birthdays are missed out I m going to sound sexist here but a lot of men do not remember or do birthdays and if the wives aren’t on board I think that may be the reason but I can totally understand how upset it made you I m glad your daughter sent you a nice hamper

I think if I was you I d still do what you do but back down a bit with the adults it’s tough though and I totally totally understand how you feel

You say you had an emotionally starved mum, genes do pass down even if they miss a generation could they have inherited some I wonder

Try not to dwell on it and keep your relationship with the little ones going you sound to me as if you’re doing all the right things
?

It sounds like you're an amazing Mum. You have raised children who have good partners and families, are confident and independent.

The down side of that is you'd like to feel valued and appreciated which is understandable.

Thank you for your thoughts-they are most appreciated.
As with all young 'uns, they're finding life tough making ends meet, with spiralling food and housing costs. Hence the care parcels and cash. The clothes are chosen by the DGC themselves, things they need, such as warm coats - I would never risk buying something they would not like, and the books are either something I know they're currently interested in, or they are in the form of book vouchers. I never just arrive on them, but always find a time when things are not too hectic, and from time to time, stay in a motel, when I know they need the space. I absolutely know what it's like to be a young family...I used to work long hours and never had any time for anything other than work and family...even now, I lead an extremely full life with teaching, developing new skills and crafts, learning a new language, community support activities and so on, so am not an emotionally-dependent mother, demanding that they look after me, or even call regularly. It's just that if I don't make the moves, there will never be any contact, other than the "happy birthday mum" text once a year. Having read what you have written, and what I've written, I realise that I'm probably being ludicrously enmeshed and need to stop. I assure you that my actions are in no way "buying" affection, but I do remember how much I craved some support from my emotionally distant, disapproving mother as I struggled as a working mother.

They envision the relationship differently compared to your POV
For some people, it is normal to call 3x a week, for others is 1x a month - it is what works for them

Being close is a matter of perception and how it is shown - there is more than one way to have a close relationship

May I ask if you work or are retired?

How often do you initiate contact? Send presents?

You mention money a lot and put a lot of emphasis on what you do for them.

Please be honest with yourself and ask why you do it
Also, presents may be sent with good intentions but perceived differently (not saying this is your case)

I would say chill and back off a little bit.
You see them yearly, sometimes several times, talk in between... they are busy people with busy lives

I am sure they love you

That is very sad but I wonder how the situation began and developed. Are they very busy people? Do they regard you as self sufficient? Are they always pleased to see you when you visit or do you unwittingly impose on them perhaps. Do you get on well with their partners?
Many men are terrible when it comes to birthdays.
Possibly their adult lives have taken over their time and attention and they have no idea how you feel. They may see you as a very competent person who makes her own arrangements to visit and has no need for them to visit in return. Is your buying and cooking expensive food appreciated or could it be seen as denigrating whoever normally shops and cooks.
As denby lover says above, withdraw a little. Less generous money gifts, fewer food parcels. Perhaps the ‘lovely clothes and books’ are not quite to the taste of your grandchildren as they grow older. If so they could be a source of embarrassment.
I hope you can become closer or step back a little from the situation.

Hi, I understand your sadness, I suspect I would in your case. But, not in a million years would I say anything. What I’d be tempted to do is withdraw, just a little, not completely of course never that, but withdraw just a little. Best wishes.