Am I being ridiculous?

Hi, I understand your sadness, I suspect I would in your case. But, not in a million years would I say anything. What I’d be tempted to do is withdraw, just a little, not completely of course never that, but withdraw just a little. Best wishes.

That is very sad but I wonder how the situation began and developed. Are they very busy people? Do they regard you as self sufficient? Are they always pleased to see you when you visit or do you unwittingly impose on them perhaps. Do you get on well with their partners?
Many men are terrible when it comes to birthdays.
Possibly their adult lives have taken over their time and attention and they have no idea how you feel. They may see you as a very competent person who makes her own arrangements to visit and has no need for them to visit in return. Is your buying and cooking expensive food appreciated or could it be seen as denigrating whoever normally shops and cooks.
As denby lover says above, withdraw a little. Less generous money gifts, fewer food parcels. Perhaps the ‘lovely clothes and books’ are not quite to the taste of your grandchildren as they grow older. If so they could be a source of embarrassment.
I hope you can become closer or step back a little from the situation.

They envision the relationship differently compared to your POV
For some people, it is normal to call 3x a week, for others is 1x a month - it is what works for them

Being close is a matter of perception and how it is shown - there is more than one way to have a close relationship

May I ask if you work or are retired?

How often do you initiate contact? Send presents?

You mention money a lot and put a lot of emphasis on what you do for them.

Please be honest with yourself and ask why you do it
Also, presents may be sent with good intentions but perceived differently (not saying this is your case)

I would say chill and back off a little bit.
You see them yearly, sometimes several times, talk in between... they are busy people with busy lives

I am sure they love you

Thank you for your thoughts-they are most appreciated.
As with all young 'uns, they're finding life tough making ends meet, with spiralling food and housing costs. Hence the care parcels and cash. The clothes are chosen by the DGC themselves, things they need, such as warm coats - I would never risk buying something they would not like, and the books are either something I know they're currently interested in, or they are in the form of book vouchers. I never just arrive on them, but always find a time when things are not too hectic, and from time to time, stay in a motel, when I know they need the space. I absolutely know what it's like to be a young family...I used to work long hours and never had any time for anything other than work and family...even now, I lead an extremely full life with teaching, developing new skills and crafts, learning a new language, community support activities and so on, so am not an emotionally-dependent mother, demanding that they look after me, or even call regularly. It's just that if I don't make the moves, there will never be any contact, other than the "happy birthday mum" text once a year. Having read what you have written, and what I've written, I realise that I'm probably being ludicrously enmeshed and need to stop. I assure you that my actions are in no way "buying" affection, but I do remember how much I craved some support from my emotionally distant, disapproving mother as I struggled as a working mother.

It sounds like you're an amazing Mum. You have raised children who have good partners and families, are confident and independent.

The down side of that is you'd like to feel valued and appreciated which is understandable.

Hi boadicea I think you sound as if you ve done a fantastic job and brought your children up to be strong individuals
It’s terribly disappointing when birthdays are missed out I m going to sound sexist here but a lot of men do not remember or do birthdays and if the wives aren’t on board I think that may be the reason but I can totally understand how upset it made you I m glad your daughter sent you a nice hamper

I think if I was you I d still do what you do but back down a bit with the adults it’s tough though and I totally totally understand how you feel

You say you had an emotionally starved mum, genes do pass down even if they miss a generation could they have inherited some I wonder

Try not to dwell on it and keep your relationship with the little ones going you sound to me as if you’re doing all the right things
?

BoadiceaJones, it seems to me that you're just trying too hard - and giving too much.

I noticed that, to my adult children, I was always still 'Mum' and pretty much taken for granted, really - until I had a serious back injury. Then they arrived, helped out and took care of me and the pets.

Since then, I'm firmly in the 'old and doddery' category (I don't like it) they check on me - and check with each other that one's been in contact. They help out more (although I'm fine) with cooking, gardening and DIY when they stay here.

The plans have really shifted towards the family gatherings being here - or somebody collects/returns me when I used to just hop on a train. I'm not in charge any more - they are - and I take care not to mention any ladder climbing, heavy lifting etc. that I'm not now supposed to do!

Good post Hithere it gives another person’s balanced view. I could say I’m in the same boat as Boadicea as I have two sons who live abroad, and I have similar experiences. I’m sure they love us but especially males, don’t show it as much as we would like.

Agre with the comments above. I’ve raised three sons and as I’m getting older starting to feel a bit invisible. I’m determined to spend more time with my husband especially at weekends a see are still working, I’m not going to let life pass me by. Like you I know I’ve been a good mum and given them their independence maybe a little too much!

Boadicea, yes, I think we try too hard. I can’t bake, or cook, but I do a lot of other things for them - money, gifts, but it’s all on their terms.
I have one daughter and 2 sons. Unfortunately, my relationship with the boys is dependent on my d.I.ls. One slip by me and I get the silent treatment !! really, at my age, I can’t be walking on eggshells all the time. It’s tedious. If it wasn’t for the GC, I’d move to a remote island. I’m on my own, so I think I fret too much. Have a lovely weekend all …..
.

There’s no excuse for forgetting birthdays other than what’s already been said - men are dreadful at remembering.
Have you thought that, working full time, having children and with money tight it could be difficult for your sons to travel a long way to see you? If they live at opposite ends of the country from you then so much time and money would be spent in travelling, making weekend trips infeasible, and as they get older the grandchildren have outside interests and don’t want to spend a lot of time visiting Granny no matter how much they love you.
You’re lucky to have a full life and to be able to visit. So much easier for you than for them. Carry on as you are but when you visit don’t buy expensive food to cook. Maybe take them out for a meal if you want to treat them but don’t cook food they couldn’t afford to buy.

I think you sound like a lovely mum. I used to think I was very close to my daughter. I now feel like a bit of an afterthought. It's hurtful but I think we have to come to terms with the fact that our children don't feel the same way about us as we do about them.

Kate1949 How I agree with you!

Well, that's Mothers' Day almost over, and I had one text. Better than none, I suppose.

Happy Mothers Day BJ. You sound like a really good mum who doesn’t deserve to feel the way you do.
I’m assuming that you live in a country in which air travel is as commonplace as getting on a bus or train in the UK. Could your DGC visit you?

Boadicea I'm afraid being the best mum we can be is all we can do. Please don't dwell on it. Make your social life where you are, ignore those who constantly go on about their fabulous family lives; your kids sound lovely, if a little insensitive.

I understand how you feel....a bit surplus to requirements unless they need something! We feel like that sometimes, but then we remember what a lovely family life we had when they were children, and glad we made the most of it.

The fact that they all seem to be settled and successful is down to you. You’ve done a great job. Now...you just have to sit back, let them lead their lives, and expect nothing. That way...you’ll never be disappointed.

Make your own life, and don’t jump up immediately they ask you too.

Take care

To be honest I think that offspring having brought up to be independent are just that! Until something happens to make them realise that mums are mortal they are busy living their own lives. Mums are just there….permanently!

BoadiceaJones

Thank you for your thoughts-they are most appreciated.
As with all young 'uns, they're finding life tough making ends meet, with spiralling food and housing costs. Hence the care parcels and cash. The clothes are chosen by the DGC themselves, things they need, such as warm coats - I would never risk buying something they would not like, and the books are either something I know they're currently interested in, or they are in the form of book vouchers. I never just arrive on them, but always find a time when things are not too hectic, and from time to time, stay in a motel, when I know they need the space. I absolutely know what it's like to be a young family...I used to work long hours and never had any time for anything other than work and family...even now, I lead an extremely full life with teaching, developing new skills and crafts, learning a new language, community support activities and so on, so am not an emotionally-dependent mother, demanding that they look after me, or even call regularly. It's just that if I don't make the moves, there will never be any contact, other than the "happy birthday mum" text once a year. Having read what you have written, and what I've written, I realise that I'm probably being ludicrously enmeshed and need to stop. I assure you that my actions are in no way "buying" affection, but I do remember how much I craved some support from my emotionally distant, disapproving mother as I struggled as a working mother.

No, you're not ludicrously over-enmeshed from the sound of it. I had a complex relationship with my mother but I visited her every few months (by arrangement) and had her stay with me, and I'd phone every week and would never had dreamed of not marking her birthdays with a card and a gift, even if I couldn't visit. She was my mum and although we struggled to get along at times I loved her.

The reason why your sons and their families don't come and stay is probably distance. A long journey with children is a nightmare.

I'd back off if I were you. Your children take it for granted that you'll be there, supporting in one way or another. I suspect you've just become wallpaper to them.

I'd change the relationship by tapering things off. Don't send care parcels. Only be totally available every time they call or suggest visits. Don't be a doormat or a pleaser. I have young neighbours whose mother sends baked goods and jam and fresh rhubarb etc, and they're not appreciated. Young families prefer to make their own choices. Send Christmas and birthday cards and gifts but nothing more.

Focus on living well and making your 70s as interesting and varied as possible. Spend your money on yourself. Don't anticipate their needs. Let them come to you and ask if they need help.

And mothers with growing sons, don't let your boys get away with not marking birthdays etc. Bring them up to know that celebrating people is a valuable social skill. I think too many of us expect so much more from our sons than our daughters.

midgey that's my view too.
"We taught them to fly" etc. But it's still hard, remembering the together family years of the past. Things will never be like that again.
like Hetty says
"Since then, I'm firmly in the 'old and doddery' category (I don't like it) they check on me - and check with each other that one's been in contact. They help out more (although I'm fine) with cooking, gardening and DIY when they stay here."
Which I'm very grateful for.

ps though I should add I still have my dear husband who is younger than me.

Thank you for your contributions everyone. You are a wonderful bunch of women, with amazing collective wisdom and insight. x

Well, all I can say is at least they ARE in touch with you ...some (like me !) have been cut off from my daughters life now for 15 years. She has married and I have a grandson (only found that out from the internet by way of stealth ! ha ha 1 BUT it is her life, and I do hope she has some good memories of her childhood. Feel sorry that I am unable to make any provision for the grandson I shall never know ...tried to do so through my Solicitor, but was told unless I know his full date of birth and have his mother's permission I cannot so far leave anything to him. SO ...now being widowed, no other family left I go travelling all over the place on my own and I love it ! I think of her probably most days, and when I am off on my travels I always send a post card, and at Christmas and birthdays ....AND the worst thing of all is, I found by accident on Facebook her MOTHER In LAW holding up a picture of the children's book my daughter had written called 'Mummy, what is a Shop ' ? this was funny, so I sent my daughter a card saying can I order the sequel ..Mummy, What is a Grandma !!!! .....now I know for certain IF she wanted to find me she could ....I retain my old e mail address (have three altogether !) and her husband is sighted on LinkedIn as an IT Security expert .....no excuse ..if I can find her and her address etc and I am thick as two planks with IT then if she wanted, she could find me ! I have instructed my solicitor that she inherits nothing UNLESS before I die I have proof she has contacted me ...my solicitor said she could contest the Will ............oh yes, she will not know I have died ............hopefully until the required amount of years allowed to claim has passed. There will be no legal notice tracing heirs in the papers as is usual as I have listed everyone and all the charities I want my money (IF there is any left ha ha ) to go to ............unless I need care (ha ha she did tell me once, when she was about 14 'I am not going to look after you when you are old I'm going to put you in a home !; I remember laughing and saying well, I hope you can afford it ! She is a lawyer in criminal justice and as said to her once ..You above all people should know you are innocent until proved guilty ....and whatever 'crime/or else' you think I have committed I would be entitled to a trial ! c'est la vie ...a Yorkshire friend said 'Nowt sa queer as folks;.....