Am I being ridiculous?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sorry to hear of your non- appreciative sons - so very very upsetting. I'm 84 now with grown up grandchildren and have come to the conclusion that the old adage is right: 'A Son is a son till he takes a wife, a Daughter's a daughter all your life.' Not always true I know but likely as a son follows his wife's family in the main. Certainly in my case as my son married a Vietnamese, devoted to her own family and we rank as rubbish! Perhaps an exaggeration but thank goodness for daughters I say.

I agree with everyone who suggests you take a step back Boadicea, not easy but the best thing you can do for you .

I was also wondering if you're not living in the UK ALAN as you don't need to know a GC's date of birth in order to have them as a beneficiary.

You can explain in your will why you've disinherited your D, that at that time the will was made, how long you've been estranged for. That would make it difficult for her to successfully contest it, but may depend on where you live.

You could leave make a very small bequest so she can't claim to have been completely forgotten. I do wonder if those of us who are estranged worry unnecessarily about our wills being contested.

I suppose there are some EAC who'll expect to inherit even though they'd decided they didn't want anything to do with their parents, something I find hard to get my head around.

Crikey, suelld, 3 days!! As you say, you’re lucky to be alive.

I’m pleased to hear that you made a good recovery and that things are going well for you now.

the one with the luxury of time but..... a girl can dream!

S, that is so helpful, encouraging and enlightening. Deep inside I know they would be 100% supportive if I needed them but I don't want to go through anything as dramatic as you did. I'd just like to see more of them but as long as I'm self sufficient that doesn't seem to be going to happen. I know they're busy and I'm tnev

Like Hetty 58, I too was disappointed with contact I had with my 2 sons..I live alone...the elder one is married and has two small children but lives in Japan. He was pretty good at keeping in contact, but my second son living ( alone) in London had to be reminded about any occasion.
However I was found unconscious at home and only found 3 days later. I am very lucky to be alive,
My London son came down to support me in hospital and after for c. 6 weeks.
Ever since BOTH sons have kept daily or near daily contact for the year that passed (during Covid) and have been ultra punctilious in keeping in touch since.
I think as I had for most of their lives brought them up alone they considered dared me happy on my own, and didn’t need much contact - I was there!
But the minute it was possible I wasn’t going to be, they both realised that I might not have that much time left ( I’m 76 and hope I have a lot more...but...)
They are both in ‘serious’ jobs and have little time, but now I can hardly move without being checked on! It’s rather nice! And occasionally a * nuisence! ?

I would, next time you are due to send a gift, to send an empty card. They will call to ask why and I would go along the lines of well I hardly see you, your thanks are lean so felt you didn't want or need it. My children are both self centered and I'm afraid it does hurt deeply - I personally do not think it is unreasonable xx Sadly there will come a day they realise how lucky and precious you are...but too late xx Thinking of you xx

Honestly I’d stop going to such lengths with such generous gifts and always be the one travelling to see your DC and DGK.
I wonder what will happen if you let them do their fare share of the running

BoadiceaJones, your post resonated with me as my DSs are at the other end of the country and DD abroad too. My DS2's family have just visited for the weekend, 5 hour journey with baby. I don't know how they do it. When my kids were small that kind of trip would be for at least a week's holiday! DS says they want the little one to know her extended family here so at the moment we have more contact.
I drove to DS1's family last weekend, 4 hour drive. I see them 3 or 4 times a year. They were really pleased to see me but had a weekend packed with parties and activities already arranged for each family member. Fortunately I could support a bit and didn't feel in the way. DGC are secondary school age, getting more independent and I'm realising I'm seeing less of them as they get older. It makes me sad but realistically they're not going to need Nanny childminding for much longer.
It is difficult and I can sympathise with you. I've found it easier since DD set up a family Whatsapp group, it's been great for keeping us all in touch, perhaps suggest it if you don't already have one? Also, if you can, maybe arrange [an occasional] video/Zoom call?
It sounds like you are doing the right thing, you're a caring mum to your family and getting on with you own life, carry on as you are, you sound lovely and your family will value you.

I think you need to have a conversation with them to tell them how you feel. Your young family may be struggling and need the support but they shouldn't take you for granted. As you are getting older you need to know you're appreciated and not taken for granted. A hug and kind words is all you are looking for and that costs nothing but means the world.

They need prompting.

Are you in the uk ? I think I would perhaps think of getting another solicitor. Highly unlikely your daughter would contest your will as it would cost a fortune in legal fees and no guarantee she would win. It may be advisable to also leave a letter with your will stating why you have not included your daughter as a beneficiary.
I'm sure it would be easy enough to find out grandchilds details for someone savvy after all the birth will have been registered.

I think you are a really caring mother and you sound like a lovely person. I don't know the answer unfortunately but it's not unusual these days so please don't think it's only you or anything you have done wrong.
I'm pleased you have a full life although that doesn't make up for family not keeping in touch regularly.
Keep in touch with them as and when you wish, and keep being the lovely person that you are.

I think they will regret it if they don’t make more of an effort to see you more often - let them do the running though / you have been so kind and loving and they should be more grateful with their time !!!!

Yes, back of a little.
You are killing them with kindness and they have become immune to it.

You sound like a people pleaser which is no bad thing, but being one myself, I have also experienced treatment of a similar kind by my own family.

In your place, I would scale down my presents and help somewhat. I suspect it may be embarrassing your children and they just do not know how to deal with it.

You say they are struggling with rising prices, but aren't you as well? Right now, you would need to be very well off not to be feeling a pinch.

Apart from that, we obviously went wrong somewhere bring up our children, as they do not see the need to say thank you, remember birthdays and other anniversaries. To late to mend that now, so we just have to put up with it.

Back off. They’ll appreciate you much more. Hard I know.

Why dont you visit them?

I can really empathise with this. I admit that I'm the one who 'moved away', from the US to England over 20 years ago. And my daughter in her late teens and twenties visited at least once a year, and I visited there usually twice a year. Since the grandchildren arrived I felt that I didn't want them to travel long distances with babies and toddlers, but then found out my granddaughters first birthday was spent at an in-laws in Florida where they had to fly to get to. Now the children are in school and they have never visited me once! They went on a Caribbean holiday this year, but can't be bothered to come to the UK. I am made to feel very welcome when I visit them, but I had 'dreams' of grandchildren visiting me at my house and it will probably never happen.

Well, all I can say is at least they ARE in touch with you ...some (like me !) have been cut off from my daughters life now for 15 years. She has married and I have a grandson (only found that out from the internet by way of stealth ! ha ha 1 BUT it is her life, and I do hope she has some good memories of her childhood. Feel sorry that I am unable to make any provision for the grandson I shall never know ...tried to do so through my Solicitor, but was told unless I know his full date of birth and have his mother's permission I cannot so far leave anything to him. SO ...now being widowed, no other family left I go travelling all over the place on my own and I love it ! I think of her probably most days, and when I am off on my travels I always send a post card, and at Christmas and birthdays ....AND the worst thing of all is, I found by accident on Facebook her MOTHER In LAW holding up a picture of the children's book my daughter had written called 'Mummy, what is a Shop ' ? this was funny, so I sent my daughter a card saying can I order the sequel ..Mummy, What is a Grandma !!!! .....now I know for certain IF she wanted to find me she could ....I retain my old e mail address (have three altogether !) and her husband is sighted on LinkedIn as an IT Security expert .....no excuse ..if I can find her and her address etc and I am thick as two planks with IT then if she wanted, she could find me ! I have instructed my solicitor that she inherits nothing UNLESS before I die I have proof she has contacted me ...my solicitor said she could contest the Will ............oh yes, she will not know I have died ............hopefully until the required amount of years allowed to claim has passed. There will be no legal notice tracing heirs in the papers as is usual as I have listed everyone and all the charities I want my money (IF there is any left ha ha ) to go to ............unless I need care (ha ha she did tell me once, when she was about 14 'I am not going to look after you when you are old I'm going to put you in a home !; I remember laughing and saying well, I hope you can afford it ! She is a lawyer in criminal justice and as said to her once ..You above all people should know you are innocent until proved guilty ....and whatever 'crime/or else' you think I have committed I would be entitled to a trial ! c'est la vie ...a Yorkshire friend said 'Nowt sa queer as folks;.....

Thank you for your contributions everyone. You are a wonderful bunch of women, with amazing collective wisdom and insight. x

ps though I should add I still have my dear husband who is younger than me.

midgey that's my view too.
"We taught them to fly" etc. But it's still hard, remembering the together family years of the past. Things will never be like that again.
like Hetty says
"Since then, I'm firmly in the 'old and doddery' category (I don't like it) they check on me - and check with each other that one's been in contact. They help out more (although I'm fine) with cooking, gardening and DIY when they stay here."
Which I'm very grateful for.

BoadiceaJones

Thank you for your thoughts-they are most appreciated.
As with all young 'uns, they're finding life tough making ends meet, with spiralling food and housing costs. Hence the care parcels and cash. The clothes are chosen by the DGC themselves, things they need, such as warm coats - I would never risk buying something they would not like, and the books are either something I know they're currently interested in, or they are in the form of book vouchers. I never just arrive on them, but always find a time when things are not too hectic, and from time to time, stay in a motel, when I know they need the space. I absolutely know what it's like to be a young family...I used to work long hours and never had any time for anything other than work and family...even now, I lead an extremely full life with teaching, developing new skills and crafts, learning a new language, community support activities and so on, so am not an emotionally-dependent mother, demanding that they look after me, or even call regularly. It's just that if I don't make the moves, there will never be any contact, other than the "happy birthday mum" text once a year. Having read what you have written, and what I've written, I realise that I'm probably being ludicrously enmeshed and need to stop. I assure you that my actions are in no way "buying" affection, but I do remember how much I craved some support from my emotionally distant, disapproving mother as I struggled as a working mother.

No, you're not ludicrously over-enmeshed from the sound of it. I had a complex relationship with my mother but I visited her every few months (by arrangement) and had her stay with me, and I'd phone every week and would never had dreamed of not marking her birthdays with a card and a gift, even if I couldn't visit. She was my mum and although we struggled to get along at times I loved her.

The reason why your sons and their families don't come and stay is probably distance. A long journey with children is a nightmare.

I'd back off if I were you. Your children take it for granted that you'll be there, supporting in one way or another. I suspect you've just become wallpaper to them.

I'd change the relationship by tapering things off. Don't send care parcels. Only be totally available every time they call or suggest visits. Don't be a doormat or a pleaser. I have young neighbours whose mother sends baked goods and jam and fresh rhubarb etc, and they're not appreciated. Young families prefer to make their own choices. Send Christmas and birthday cards and gifts but nothing more.

Focus on living well and making your 70s as interesting and varied as possible. Spend your money on yourself. Don't anticipate their needs. Let them come to you and ask if they need help.

And mothers with growing sons, don't let your boys get away with not marking birthdays etc. Bring them up to know that celebrating people is a valuable social skill. I think too many of us expect so much more from our sons than our daughters.

To be honest I think that offspring having brought up to be independent are just that! Until something happens to make them realise that mums are mortal they are busy living their own lives. Mums are just there….permanently!