Daughter-in-law not watching twins very well

I'm sorry but have YOU seen this "child" neglect from DIL. You are taking your sons word for it. Does your son help with cleaning and laundry, it's his responsibility too. Maybe he should look after the girl as it sounds like she's the more adventurous one of the two. You are taking the word of your son without any input from your DIL. Your son speaks of divorce and him getting custody of the children and he's coming up with excuses. How about supporting your DIL too and stop listening to your son first. I do not take sides and if the house is filthy is it any right of us as grandparents to interfer, no. I have learnt from 40 years as a nursing sister never to judge others for the way they live unless it is doing harm. If the children are happy and healthy then so be it. Your son needs to stop moaning and step up. No wonder your poor DIL is depressed living with such a critical person. I'm sorry to be blunt and I apologise if this upsets you as it was not my intention to do it but you asked for advice. Support your DIL too .

pinkjj27

Poor girl, and added to her worries is a son and mother-in-law who judge and run her down rather than support her. Conspiring to divorce her and make sure she doesn’t get custody. No wonder she is depressed made me depressed just reading it.
I hope she manages to get away from both of you.

Sorry, I of course mean added to that is a husband ( your son) This psot made me anxious for the poor girl.

Sago

This is not a genuine post.

Sadly, I think this attitude is still very much out there, My daughter’s mother-in-law told her son “You need to give her a good smacking” and when I went mad she said "a man has every right to chastise his wife in any way he wants". Beggars’ belief, I know but it still there, even if it’s not the norm. Thankfully My son- in- law is a bit more forward thinking and he told his mum to wind her neck in.

Sago do you have proof?

Poor girl, and added to her worries is a son and mother-in-law who judge and run her down rather than support her. Conspiring to divorce her and make sure she doesn’t get custody. No wonder she is depressed made me depressed just reading it.
I hope she manages to get away from both of you.

Herefornow Ditto.

Sago you should report it if you think that.

This is not a genuine post.

I know someone with ADD and they do have trouble keeping their house tidy. It's not something to judge them for, work arounds just have to be found.

My DH has ADHD as well and we did have some hairy moments with preschoolers under his watch. I just learned that I had to be on duty at all times. That was hard as I could never get a break, but it got easier as they got older and needed less constant supervision.

ADD is heritable so maybe the girl has it and is extra hard to keep in one place as a result?

Your DIL needs support, not to be sidelined and looked down on. Your son needs to accept that he's going to have to carry more than expected for a few years. Get a house keeper for a few hours a week, get DIL into counselling to help her build her own systems that help her be organised.

I feel for you DIL who is no doubt doing the best she can in the face of judgement from those who should support.

"I've gently offered to help her sort out old clothes, sell them, or give them away."

I dont think this is helpful. Sorting old clothes is something that isnt of immediate priority. (nor is weeding)

Ask her what help she would like rather than suggesting things like this.

and do so without any implied criticism or it will be seen as interference, not help

Overall a messy house is only a problem if it is a problem for them - if it isnt, then really not your issue.

it isnt a competition in which your son wins at being the better parent (in your opinion)

it is helping them both together - if they want you to help.

Is it? Sorry, i didn't know. In general, do you mean, or is it the sentiment? Ie is it equally wrong to just say 'i don't believe this OP is genuine' ?

we are not allowed to say that, it's a swear word.

Do you know what, i call troll actually.

I had a lot of children, and then ended up as a single parent. The house was a tip, and not at all clean, and I have only one pair of eyes. But you know what? The kids survived and thrived. There were a few scares along the way - the baby fell out of the pram and was left swinging in mid air in the harness, I once forgot to collect a child from an activity and only noticed that one was missing some hours later at bedtime, and we had an outbreak of broken arms one summer when two small children took to racing down the garden without looking out for trip hazards.

The last thing a tired, unhappy Mum of small kids needs are in-laws telling everyone on the Gransnet that she’s a rubbish parent. The OP says they are ‘precious’, but you can be pretty certain that they are a good deal more precious to the woman who carried them for nine months and then gave birth than they are to the grandparents. Give the poor woman some love and encouragement, for goodness’ sake!

Blutz. You need far far more than this for your son to get custody if/when they divorce. You are not going to be kept in the picture if you conceal your distaste of your DIL so poorly. See sense, start building bridges, or regardless of who you blame for it you will lose your grandkids.

you so obviously dislike her.
i feel quite sorry for her.

My son was there every day with his wife in the NICU. My son does more around the house than his wife does. She doesn't take out garbage, she won't pull a weed (even before they had babies), he does laundry, cleans up. They both have responsible jobs and make good money. They have a woman that comes to clean once every two weeks. There's only so much she can do because of all the clutter.

M0nica

^They've cobbled together free child care between my husband and I, an aunt and her parents. They feel, at this point, more secure having family care for the children when they're at work.^

You do not say why they feel that the security of family childcare is so important. Is it because they do not want to spend money on it when they can get it free.

Unless they both do minimum wage jobs, which I accept is possible, 2 people working full time should be able to afford, if not day care for the children, getting a cleaner for a couple of mornings a week with a child minder. One who would also do the washing and ironing.

Then your son should ask himself whether he is doing 50% of the childcare, housework, and shopping. If he isn't then he is not pulling his weight. These children are as much his as hers and they must have reached a joint decision to have children.

His wife is ill and struggling .Didn't he take vows of for better and worse, sickness and health. Now is the time to put his behaviour to his wife where his mouth was when he made those vows and stay with her and support her. Not just cut and run when things get difficult.

Finally, could one of them work part time?

In less than a year the children will be entitled to 15 hours a week free care

Term after their 3rd birthday they will be entitled to 30 free hours each if both parents are working more than 16 hours

Sago

Speech therapy for a child under three?
I think we’re being had.

Why would you say that??
Very routine to refer a child to SALT in the UK if there are speech /communication concerns hilighted at the 2 year health visitor developmental review

I feel sorry for your daughter in law. If my husband threatened divorce when I’d recently had twins and was working full time with PND, I would never trust him again. Your son sounds very unsupportive and I think you should tell him off for his behaviour.
If I were you, I would choose my actions and words very carefully. Your DIL is very vulnerable right now but when she gets through her PND and moves into a better place and finds her feet with motherhood, she’s likely to remember who was there for her and who criticised her and made her feel worse.
Your actions now will mean you later become either be a person that she is grateful to have in her life ; or a person that she cannot count on to support her and possibly even resents.
Choose wisely.

This dead weight, sorry

The dil gave birth at the beginning of covid - poor thing

This is a case where dil loses this loose weight and depression would be much improved

if the children get loose when leaving the house, why doesn't he buy some reins. there are useful and snazzy ones attached to back-packs

Yes, they are great! The backpack is just big enough to hold a drink.

you expected your DIL-to-be to spend time alone with you, going out for lunches ? why ?
i've never heard of anyone doing this.
playgrounds have rubberised surfaces, a kind of bendy tarmac, which absorbs impact reducing injuries from falls.
his comment if accurate sounds unhelpful, almost like gaslighting; laying judgement upon her.
if the children get loose when leaving the house, why doesn't he buy some reins. there are useful and snazzy ones attached to back-packs.
you say,
she works, she's tired, but the house is filthy.
look at the implicit sexism in that statement.
you may end up alienated from those children if you do not change your attitude. and realistically, even if you do, as it may be too late, if they divorce.

In less than a year the children will be entitled to 15 hours a week free care

I wondered if blutz lives in America?
We don't tend to talk about watching children here, at least no-one I have ever met uses that word.