Daughter-in-law not watching twins very well

They've cobbled together free child care between my husband and I, an aunt and her parents. They feel, at this point, more secure having family care for the children when they're at work.

You do not say why they feel that the security of family childcare is so important. Is it because they do not want to spend money on it when they can get it free.

Unless they both do minimum wage jobs, which I accept is possible, 2 people working full time should be able to afford, if not day care for the children, getting a cleaner for a couple of mornings a week with a child minder. One who would also do the washing and ironing.

Then your son should ask himself whether he is doing 50% of the childcare, housework, and shopping. If he isn't then he is not pulling his weight. These children are as much his as hers and they must have reached a joint decision to have children.

His wife is ill and struggling .Didn't he take vows of for better and worse, sickness and health. Now is the time to put his behaviour to his wife where his mouth was when he made those vows and stay with her and support her. Not just cut and run when things get difficult.

Finally, could one of them work part time?

In less than a year the children will be entitled to 15 hours a week free care

Herefornow referred to first time parents. I remember when my younger sister was living at our parents' home with her baby girl. My father still remembered what to do with babies. He could feed her using one hand whilst he read the paper and also how to put her on his shoulder and burb her. That was nearly 30 years after my sister was born.

I think all posters are in agreement but that blutz may have left the thread, hopefully to reflect on our posts.

It sounds like you and your son are building a case for custody.

In this perfect blue sky world where you discredit your DIL to the level that your son gets custody, who is cleaning the house and watching the children while he works?

Is that you by any chance?

You sound really judgemental but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're frustrated because you want to contribute more to the situation but you feel held at arms length and unable to do that as the situation currently stands. The arms length thing is probably happening because she can sense you think she's a bad mother and she doesn't need that sort of negative energy contributing to an already stressful situation.

Having a messy house doesn't make you a bad mother. Neither does working (you mention her working a couple times, did you notice? I'm not sure why that's more relevant than you son working, we're SEVEN DECADES past this kind of thinking surely?)

On the situation with the playground: 1) move playground, any kid can get away from any parent in the wrong circumstances.
2) all children are different, some are faster and less inclined to listen to a given parent
3) all parents have different skillsets. Its incredibly naive for your son to think that both of them should be on an equal footing on every task. I read this and immediately thought 'first time parents'. Cast your mind back: when you were an experienced, time served parent in the thick of rearing children, did you and your partner have the exact same parenting skillset? Or did you play to your strengths like a good team should?
4) with regard to the climbing frame, it's actually perfectly valid to let your kids get into slightly challenging situations and see what they do. Your son may have freaked out at something your DIL had a discrete handle on, ie was watching and waiting to jump in if needed. Perhaps she trying to raise your grandchildren to be capable, resilient citizens?

Go tell your son to grow up and that raised him better than this. This is actually probably a good way to start building trust with your DIL, show her you do support her. Give it time, be gentle with her, let the relationship breathe and see what grows from this.

When we lived in Suffolk, the daughter of a friend had difficulties in getting pregnant. She had IVF and eventually became pregnant. She had twin to twin syndrome but luckily in the care of a specialist in London. Both twins survived and were born by Cesarean Section. They were premature- I think around 28, 29 weeks.

The boys did not learn to speak but communicated very well with each other. At that time, late 1990s there was only one speech therapist in Suffolk.

Unfortunately some parents find it difficult to accept children that are not as perfect as they'd expected. The father had plans about which private school they should go to and had talked about putting their names down asap. His mother was distraught because they weren't "perfect"

I lost touch with this friend so don't know what happened next. However, there must be something that could be done to help this family. If both parents are working, could they not afford a cleaner?

Blutz having read another of your posts on here it seems to me that your DIL was aware of your feelings about her which must make life more difficult. As for suggesting, however gently, that you help her sort through old clothes, my mind is boggling.

I agree with Allsorts...

My goodness.

Also i am completely baffled by the you watch the girl and I will watch the boy thing. What would have happened if it was triplets? I used to take 5 out on my own!

Tell Dad to take the children to a safer park and give mum a break sometimes.

I've gently offered to help her sort out old clothes, sell them, or give them away.

Well meaning, but not helpful.
That would require DiL to think about the clothes and make decisions, all the while with someone else chipping in their comments & suggestions.

DiL needs the load on her to be reduced.

Tell your son to take responsibility for his family and for the work involved in looking after young twins and a household.

Could one of them work part-time?

She's never tried to have a relationship with me. I thought while they were engaged we would have time alone, go out to lunch and get to know one another better.

It sounds as though you started off with unreasonable expectations! And that they are still there.

I can fully understand your concern about the safety of the GC, but it is a concern that your son has spoken to you about it rather than his wife - and tried to put together a plan with her as to how they can make her life a bit easier.

One person's tip is another person's cosy home, so please do not judge. As a social worker I used to feel uncomfortable about very tidy homes where there were little children.

And as someone who has both ADD and dealt with depression, no you don't always recognize it in yourself. Especially if it becomes the new norm slowly, for example while having twin preemies in ICU for several weeks.

She's given birth to premature twins just when Covid kicked off, I cant even begin to fatham how horrific that was especially with her added recovery and now she's got clinical depression while working full time as a nurse.

Tell your son to start pulling his weight and maybe a little bit if hers too. She sounds like she's doing her best. Support her instead of dragging her down.

Speech therapy under 3 is common here in the US. Especially if there are known problems such as an autism diagnosis.

Preemies often need extra help.

Speech therapy does seem odd at such a young age and twins are noted for one being the leader or even having their own special way of communicating.
Your DIL as a health professional should recognise the signs of her own mental health problems if she has them.
Is she making a protest?
I would watch the children's welfare very carefully and if you think they are at risk alert the authorities but in a quiet way or you may cause more harm than good. Or end up like GMS suggests.

Speech therapy for a child under three?
I think we’re being had.

I admire your DIL for going back to work under these circumstances. Nursing presumably means shift work too which is extra tiring. Could you pay for a cleaner? My house was a lot more difficult to keep clean and tidy after having two premature babies. My midwife said clean kitchen sink and lavatory and forget the rest. Fitting in all the extra hospital visits for premature children felt like a job in itself, medication before and after feeds, extra visits to the GP surgery. So much pressure. And do not discount the fear and having to be on high alert all the time. Utterly draining.
As new mums too, we are often very hard on ourselves, conscious of “looks” from family used to visiting a pristine house and being “hosted” with meals or tea and bakes. All change. So maybe not as tidy as two years ago, nor as super clean but it doesn’t need to be. Praising your DIL for happy, exuberant children is the way to go. Your son …. Needs to pull his socks up. I wish you all well.

If my so called husband threatened to divorce me and not allow me custody of my kids- I would be setting up an emergency custody order + divorce the next day

Your son is so cruel - dont you see how that threat is abusive and making everything worse?

You DIL in not lazy or incompetent. She has post partum depression and ADD. Those are medical conditions. Would you be so judgemental if she had cancer?

Instead of getting the support she needs she gets judgement and threats of divorce.

You had mismatched expectations from the beginning which, it appears, has caused some resentment from you towards her.

Your poor DIL.

Any mother of young twins, who works full time and has coped with premature births, lockdown, Covid at work, and a MIL who thinks she has ADD has my sympathy. Added to that she is juggling child care with various different people every day.

I can't imagine how any carer/trained nurse (not sure what she is exactly) can continue working if she had ADD. You need every bit of attention for that job.

Your son is the one to try and help her. Maybe he could suggest she reduce her hours, help out more. You really have no idea what goes on in their home and should not interfere.

My ex mother in law behaved like that. Note the ‘ex’. And when my son decided he didn’t want to see his father ever again, he never saw her or the grandfather ever again either. So tread very carefully.

Sadly many mothers of sons seem to be blind to their sons behaviour. Any ‘help’ he does at home is seen by these mothers as ‘isn’t he wonderful’ ! Parenting children is the responsibility of both parents in equal measures. My daughter has twins so I’ve seen it’s hard but so is the care of all small children. As for your wish that you and d.I.law become pals, rarely happens . My sons in law are no problem because I dont expect to go out and about with them . I don’t with my d.I.law either . It annoys me greatly when mothers of sons seem to make so many allowances for their ‘boys’. Probably irritates me so much because my mother behaved this way to my brothers but expected much from me!,

I bet the house isn't really filthy. Probably just looks lived in.

on her watch

It sounds as he she's in the Navy!

Before I began babysitting, she never invited me over to get used to the babies, how to use the formula machine, breast milk wasn't labeled with dates.
I'd also like to add that I hope she's not still feeding two toddlers herself! Even feeding both of them for a short while must have taken it out of her.
She must be worn out, poor woman.

I really think you need to find some sympathy for her and tell your son to buck his ideas up.
Do not enable him, especially when he mentions divorcing the mother of his tiny twins and taking them away from her.

I'm shocked.

I want to thank DIL for her hard work as a nurse, in covid times - not easy

Plus twins! She is a very strong person indeed

Oh dear I rather feel for the daughter in law she’s got a mountain to climb The house looking like a tornado ripped through it is the least of your worries
My grandkids climbed everything and anything to the top kids don’t usually do what they don’t feel capable of
I think you and your son should support her more instead of threatening divorce and being so critical

I don’t understand the division of ‘looking out’ for them when out you say she watches the girl he watches the boy Why don’t they both watch both the girl sounds as if she’s the more robust one

She certainly can’t be of a careless nature if she’s working as a nurse so I very much doubt your diagnosis of her having ADD and clinical depression can be correct ….She may have post natal depression she may be worn out it sounds as if she’s still breast feeding as you re talking of breast milk so between that, two lively twins and full time work what do you expect of her

Too much I think

GagaJo makes a very valid point there. Beware of siding with him to the extent that you drive a wedge between them. He and you are likely to be the losers.

Suggest to your son that if he's not happy with the level of cleanliness and organisation that he could pay for a cleaner. Expecting more from a woman with PND and a full-time, very responsible job, is unrealistic.

My DD and DGS live with me and I feel as if my house is squalor most of the time. A cleaner helps enormously. I just wish I could afford it twice a week.

I agree with others. You dislike her. And your son should keep his marital woes to himself.

Be very careful not to alienate her. It could affect the contact you get with your GC.