I live in the same town as my widowed 91 year old mother. I have an older sister who lives 60 miles away. My father who was an alcoholic died 7 years ago. My mother is a difficult woman, who over the years has fallen out with everyone who she has crossed paths with, she writes spiteful notes to her neighbours and has no friends or social life . She is very lonely. My mother lives in squalor, her house is filthy and she refuses to throw anything away, the smell in her kitchen in the heat is horrific. I have had a difficult relationship with her, but she idolises my sister who visits approximately once every 6 weeks. She is reluctant to let me into the house to help unless things have reached crisis point, however she rings me daily and expects to be ‘taken out’ 3/4 times a week, to see great grandchildren/shopping / garden centre etc. I have tried to get social services to help, but the line that agencies take is, she has capacity and therefore can’t intervene. Whilst not wealthy she could afford to pay for a cleaner/have the house repaired but thinks that either myself or my husband should do this. My sister refuses to go into the house, but also will not say anything or do anymore than she does. I feel so guilty if I don’t go and see my mother but quite honestly I have had enough, and am at the end of my tether with it all, Do gransnetters have any suggestions?
Agree to take her shopping etc just once a week. As farmgran says, tell you mum that you cannot stand the smell in her house as it makes you wretch. You don't have to answer her calls everyday either, surely she has your sisters telephone number?? Maybe giving your mum some space will make her. rethink her life choices and she might take notice when people genuinely want to offer help.
Thank you wonderful gransnetters for all your comments. I recognise the martyr comments - and agree that the time has come to change my behaviour because I am not going to change my mothers - I genuinely think she is happy to be unhappy. I have resolved to visit once a week at a time that is convenient to me. Wish me luck!
how about you research some cleaning companies that deal with this kind of thing, and email/post to her some details/quotes for basically making the place hygienically habitable.
also try to stand back in speaking with her. be vague, or utterly boring. go on about petty annoyances, problems, disappointments.
i have found that sometimes works.
just imagine you are in a play with that role.
Caleo - Yes everything you have suggested has been done. Long ago I gave him a list of everyone's birthdates, marriage date, and address and telephone numbers. Have sent him the revised list as and when anything has changed.
He is told if anyone is unwell or going in for any medical procedure, but just ignores it all. He is long-time disabled, and really thinks the only person entitled to be ill is himself. This was one of the causes of our problems when we were together. I developed a really debilitating illness and eventually had a traumatic operation - he never gave me any emotional (or other) support during the whole of that time.
Twice the children have given him a mobile phone, with package all paid for. Neither time has he taken it out of the box it came in, saying he is not interested. Yet of all people he does need a mobile phone for when he is out and about in his electric wheelchair. He refuses to go on to any social media site, I keep up with my children, etc on Fb.
He appears totally uninterested in his family. Few years ago, I took my eldest g.child round with me to see him during August of her GCSE year. Her Mum, my daughter had been there a week earlier and had told him how they were awaiting the results of those exams. I arrived and waited for him to ask g.daughter how she had got on, then prompted him with reminding him that GCSE results had now been out and received the reply that 'Yes, he knew as he had seen the students waiting for them on tv!!!! Never did ask her how she had got on!!!!!
He is just a very selfish, ego centred old man!!!!
But if he wants something done in his flat, he quite quick virtually to demand assistance -but would never think of actually saying Thank You to whoever does go to help
so why do they go to help.
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.
Franbern, thanks for your interesting reply. I can't disagree with your summary of his personality. I'd like to have go at him myself as he is a real challenge. I'd like to speak to him about ordinary courtesy as if he is a five year old . For instance I'd like to say to him at the appropriate time, "What you say now is 'how did the exam go?' "
Obviously he can't take even a broad hint and needs to be told explicitly how to behave as husband, father, and grandfather.
Why waste any time on him at all?
Good luck Tutumuch, a very wise decision. Enjoy your quality time, without feeling guilty. ?
Move her into a care assisted complex and people can visit her there rather than you take her out at all. Then you can get her place sorted and cleared out and things will be much easier for her and you and all. Don't take no for an answer. If she refuses to cooperate then a care home is her other option. Her choice of course. She must not be left where she is in squalor. Make a change happen.
Good luck Tutumuch Be strong.
Power to you!
?
One of the problems is that there is no care available - hospitals are bursting at the seams because vulnerable patients can't be discharged unless there is a care package in place so unless your mother is admitted to hospital or is able to pay for care privately there is no help out there. Desperate shortage of carers - we need to be training them as fast as possible and paying them a lot more!
No wonder she wants to go out if she lives in such a mess. It shouldn’t be your job to clean it all up. If you can, do this just once or at least make sure bathroom and kitchen are ok. Then phone social services or her local Council and get them to inspect. Maybe they’ll do something. I think there are many more people than we realise who are living like this.
I wouldn’t want to take her out if she’s not clean or her clothes are dirty. Poor you. MOVE so that you have an excuse to see her less frequently.
You don’t have to do this. Step back, tell her you will take her out once a fortnight. Ignore her protests. If she is rude to you, tell her you won’t take her at all unless she treats you with respect.
Do not feel guilty - that is what she wants, to guilt you into taking her out and cleaning for her and so forth. Your sister is her idol... she is the one who should be doing what you do, and then some. She is an adult, she has the money, she knows what she's doing - so... make yourself scarce and unavailable, and see what happens. Make your own rules and set your own boundaries. She is using you.
Clearly your Mum has had a difficult life and her expectations of you are high. She may well feel overwhelmed and uses your excursions to avoid facing the trauma and mahem within her home/ life.
Its really difficult but yes you can talk to her about it just dont 'hear' her venom. Perhaps start with how concerned you are about the dangers within the home. Tell her each time she gets you to call in you WILL be taking a binliner of rubbish from the kitchen. No argument. Eventually she may get to enjoy her home again. Its hard to let people live with some of the choices they make and we none of us enjoy criticism, all you can do is try and be there for her but in a way that is good for both of you. Look after yourself. X
Does your mother keep herself clean? and cook okay ? Have things got worse since her husband died or has the house always been like this
all to common a story sadly.i had impossible parents who somehow 'got into my head' and got undivided royalty' why do good parents not receive the same loyalty? my parents died in 2015 aged 93 and 90. i spent all my life trying to please them, with hindsight i should have walked away from them when i was 18.i wasted too many years . i hope you can come to some sort of resolution with your situation.
Arrange to take her out all day and have a big team to go in and clean and dispose of rubbish, whilst she is out with you..
I am glad you have made a decision Tutumuch, best of luck. Do you have LPOA?
I'm pleased to say my 85 year old aunt is going to look at the assisted living place near her today. A friend of hers lives there, and has invited her for supper. My aunt is still able to clean/cook etc, but I've now found out how much she relies on her good neighbour, who has been absent for some time due to caring for her own parents. I've had to do a few things for her long distance recently, and keep asking her to activate her LPOA for health, which I share with her good neighbour. She wouldn't move here, and I won't move there, but I'd feel happier if she was in the assisted living environment.
When you have dementia it manifests itself in early stages as lack of home hygiene and personal care - so it’s possible - also all rationale seems to disappear and emotions and personality traits that were there before are exacerbated a this age .
I would say that if you can have a rational chat you should tell her she either gets a cleaner which you will arrange - because she clearly can’t manage herself - the next thing is something happens form a safety perspective . Or she needs to be somewhere else where this is all done for her- or she could pay for carers to come on and take her out etc
My sister did the minimum and I did the maximum for my mum - we are what we are - my sister showed no guilt and I felt guilty even though I went above and beyond
Your mum needs to just hear the words no sorry I can’t and to hear the options
But you can rest assured you’ve done your very best for her regardless - and should feel no guilt .
I am saddened by some of the comments here. As far as I was concerned, my mum looked after me for the first 16 years of my life so I was happy to look after her in her latter years. She was 96 when she died and it was the day she was due to move in with me permanently. Yes, she could be cantankerous and very awkward but she was my mum and I knew she wouldn't last forever. I would have felt more guilty about not helping her than staying distant and pleasing myself.
I would mention a cleaner every time you see her. Find an agency locally to suggest.
Has she been more independent, OP? You could mention that once she’s got someone cleaning every week, she will feel happier because it will be reliable.
If necessary you could say that without a cleaner home she might end up being considered to go into care.
Another angle could be, you take her out for the day, and you pay for a deep clean whilst you are out. It would open her eyes to how more comfy her home will be if she keeps it like that.
Good luck.
Please say no! I suffered from a great deal of stress looking after my mother and father. I was doing everything they wanted but it was never enough. My sister was also the golden child but it was always me who had to run them here and there because I had a car.
Until that is I had to go to the doctor because I felt ill.
He gave me a complete check up and told me he thought it was stress related. I told him what had been happening for a few years and he understood. He told me to start saying no! And to put myself and my own family who lived in my own house first.
I did and I never looked back. It took everyone by surprise and they didn’t like it at first but soon got used to the new me.
My mother and father started to do more for themselves and my sister then knew she would have to step up and help too.
I did feel guilty to begin with but that feeling went quite quickly when I began to feel better having taken back control and saying no …not today maybe tomorrow.
So think about yourself and your own health Tutumuch
Because you matter!
And have that holiday …at least a holiday from your mum..even if it’s sitting in your own garden …please !
Nanasam
Kids dont ask to be born
Kids dont sign a contract to take care of parents in return
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