Disaster on holiday

Grandma French is absolutely right. Describing your DH's episode as 'delirium' is clinically quite accurate. It's not the kind of delirium you can have in a fever, but is almost like a temporary psychotic episode. Your daughters need to know that this was not their father talking. Maybe his subconscious was dredging up forgotten episodes from a distant past which he had long ago put behind him. Together with heat and dehydration, he was probably suffering from heat exhaustion in which - as I know from past experience - you can come out with things you'd not normally dream of saying. Take alcohol into account, and the effect is potentially frightening. You are showing great understanding and I hope your daughters will ultimately come to terms with what was - in all probability - a situation that will never be repeated.

I still think, however upset they are, and I’m not belittling their feelings, that they are being unkind to their mum, and maybe they need to consider how she’s feeling.
As I said previously, they can’t have massive issues if they are all holidaying together in a villa.

It sounds like the whole incident was very scary and shocking to everyone - especially as it seemingly came out of nowhere that he was suddenly screaming abuse at everyone and threatening to punch you. It sounds as though the dds were very worried for your safety.

I wondered also if you are perhaps underplaying his drinking a little as some posts of your posts seem to contradict each other - in one post you write that he is "Not a big drinker just the odd one" but in the first post you wrote of the incident "at the time we thought he was just drunk" which sounded like he had been drinking quite a lot that night.

Have there been any other incidents in the past where he has been drunk or lost his temper? Might they feel that he could continue to be volatile?

I agree Sara1954 the family's reaction to this medical issue seems way over the top to me. Unless there are underlying problems I think you have both been treated badly by your family Alfiefreddy1 I don't understand why you would consider leaving your husband of 37 years over this. I feel I am missing something here.

Oh dear, it must have been very traumatic for everyone, but your daughter didn't really help by punching him in the eye! He seems very remorseful, does she feel any remorse for punching him?

I agree that Grandmafrench has given an excellent response and I hope you'll find some reassurance in it Alfiefreddy.

You've both done all that you can and now all you can do is wait. FWIW I think you moving out of the villa to leave them in peace to enjoy the rest of the holiday was a wonderful and thoughtful act.

I also agree with Sara in that you were not responsible for the incident and some consideration from your daughters at least, wouldn't be too much to ask.

Please try not to worry .

Thank you so much for your response- it’s very good to hear a balanced view of this sorry situation we have found ourselves in.

Good post GrandmaFrench.

You have nothing to reproach yourself for with and you DH has apologised.
However, I do think that your youngest DD stating that she would “Probably need therapy to get over it”. Sounds rather over dramatic.
It seems as if you took the brunch of his out of his uncharacteristic outburst, surely they should be supporting you.

dragonfly46

Btw Hithere our doctors have not told us not to drink with blood pressure tablets. My DH drinks wine with no ill effects!

And here, dragonfly. That is a huge sweeping statement, hithere. And not true.

What a rotten holiday it turned into. I hope you can make friends again. Perhaps the DDs were embarrassed in front of the bfs. How did their bfs react?
Holidays with family can be fraught with tension.

I do feel for you in the middle of this, however, your children's feelings do matter and I would advise caution before dismissing them.

If you do that this rift would only become larger.

Especially as your children were concerned for you and that comes from love.

If you have asked yourself the hard questions about whether your children have seen signs of this behaviour before and you are certain this is completely out of character..

I'd advise listening to your children's feelings and not making any more excuses and the same for your husband.

That will be how that trust comes back.

We are all responsible for our own behaviour, even under circumstances of illness or great mental stress.

All we can do is apologise, state the facts as you already have and move forward with understanding until the relationship is secure again.

Wishing you and your family the best.

Over reaction by the daughters, I am sorry you are going through all of this. I hope things work out and get better for you.

OP
You are minimizing your dh's behavior, despite him being delirious

He threatened you with physical harm amd your daughter felt you needed to be defended from him

You also say your eldest daughter has resented her father for a long time, I am sure it plays a role here

I agree that the daughters have overreacted. I understand their concern for their mum, but don't think that refusing to engage in communication is a very good way of demonstrating that concern.

People aren't responsible for their own behaviour if they have a condition (long term or temporary) that affects it.
Unpleasant as it was, (and I'd be the first to condemn drunken ranting, raving or violence) this has been caused by other issues.

Poor bloke. He’s going to have a hard enough time coming to terms with what he did and trying to put things right without his daughters adding to the anguish you’re already suffering.

If it really was a one off the hurt will fade and if they don’t come round that’s their problem but it does sound as though alcohol has been a problem in the past from the way the OP is written.

Let the dust settle. Time is a great healer.

MissA

Only saying it as a person who was extremely unwell which ended up with thyrotoxicosis and was at risk of dying before I had any clue anything was wrong and my behaviour was so paranoid, anxious, defensive and abnornal....

I've heard so many stories since about graves rage and people destroying their relationships and I was actually lucky enough that I was more receive than aggressive in any way.

If I hurt people it doesn't make it better for them though.

Or maybe it is simply the fact that some people do not forgive that sort of thing that has coloured my perceptions...

Still, hopefully the children in this situation just need a little space and understanding

Reactive than aggressive that should say

Let's hope so, for all of their sakes

It is so frightening when these things happen - when someone you feel you know well suddenly changes into something frightening.

My OH had a neuro-degenerative disease, and that, and the necessary meds, made him very paranoid. His actions were sometimes very frightening (not to say illegal), his beliefs about me were utterly mad - and this went on for a very very long time.

So my heart goes out to you, as I know what a shock this is.

It does seem that your DDs' reactions are coloured by other events in the family history - they know it is (hopefully) a one-off with a medical cause and that he has sought help.

You can only keep them posted on the progress of this and allow them time to come to terms with it all - they will be shocked too.

I hope there will be a happy resolution to all this.

My blood pressure tablets do not mention avoiding alcohol although they do say avoid grapefruit; is he taking anything else? It does sound as though it was the wine (far too much) and the heat and high blood pressure, but it frightened your daughters ; they are young and it may be their first experience of seeing an adult lose control, badly. They also fear for your safety. You have done everything you can to rectify the situation and there is little else to be done other than try find out what prompted this dreadful incident. You must be truly honest with yourself as to the extent of your husband's behaviour; there is a slight feeling that you are protecting him because understandably you don't want to destroy the marriage you have built up against possibly more difficulties than you acknowledge.

Another here who takes BP meds and has no issue with alcohol being taken. AlfieFreddie I agree that the advice from GrandmaFrench and others is sound. It might be a good idea if, for a few weeks at least, if you saw your DC on your own, without your husband present. That way you can discuss the situation properly and try to find a way forward where everyone is reassured that this was out of his control and he's promised not to drink like that again. I feel great sympathy for you being caught in the middle of it all.

I think Grandmafrench's post puts it quite succinctly. Whilst it was probably shocking for your children at the time, you have done everything to minimise the upset, as has your husband. Everybody deserves a chance when things go wrong, they have apologised and taken steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Would your daughters take the uncompromising approach they have taken if your husband suffered from mental illness or hypoglycaemia? I watched one of the loveliest people on the planet punch my mother, blacking her eyes when he had a hypoglycaemic incident. There was no question of holding it against him and we didn't even tell him what he had done because he had no recollection of it.
If your husband had acted so badly before, I'd have more sympathy for your daughters. To harp on about your relationship suffering a blip many years ago just seems like a useful stick to beat him with.
My advice would be to give them time to recover and then be quite firm about the unpleasantness carrying on by telling them he has been contrite, apologised and sought help thereby owning the act. I think you have a right to be respected for your decision to forgive and expect their love for you to accept that he is your husband and father.

Unless there are details that we don't know it does seem an over reaction by your daughters. My husband went right off his head on a couple of occasions because of a mixture of illness and drugs. On another occasion when he was being treated with steroids he hit me while I was driving him home. I knew it was the steroids but heaven knows what my children would have thought if they'd been there.