Am I being over sensitive to feel no more important than a kitchen appliance

Just going off at a bit of a tangent -- As an older couple with adult DC my DH and I have agreed that if either of us finds another partner after one of us dies (absolutely ok as far as I'm concerned) we will NOT actually marry them.
Have a relationship, move in together, fine, but marriage is a legal state which invalidates existing wills and confers rights on each party.
I have seen adult children excluded from their widowed parent's estate after said parent has remarried and then sadly predeceased their new spouse.
The new spouse may then inherit the estate (unless a new, carefully drawn-up will is made on the second marriage) and if the new spouse has existing children they could in their turn inherit the entire estate on their parent's death. A child or children from the first marriage may be unfairly left out.
DH and I have agreed that our DC will still inherit our entire estate in this situation.

Ah, I understand how you feel, and many a marital rift can occur after discussing something on TV! Please remember that your husband did say HE DID NOT KNOW how he would feel, and that's the truth. Men usually have far worse imagination than women. What you were wanting from him was a confirmation that you are special, loved and truly valued, I guess, and he - being a man - did not pick up that cue. Been there, done that... You cannot assess how your husband feels about you from that kind of discussion. And I must say, as a counsellor myself, I do not necessarily agree with the removal of the ring. It all depends where the bereaved person is in regard to their 'grief tasks' and many people want to honour the relationship they had with the deceased in that way. After all, the spouse is no longer there, but the experience of the marriage is, and it may be a positive thing, to cherish. It's personal. For you, I would not dwell on empty discussions, just concentrate on day to day pleasures and feelings. None of us can predict the future.

My DD died 3 years ago. With the good relationship with SiL he spoke with me and DH to let us know he was going to "store" his wedding ring six months after daughter's death. We fully accepted this as one step for him not to be constantly reminded of his loss. Now DH died 9 weeks ago and I very recently thought about what I would do with rings. Having been married for 55 years don't think I can do anything other than keep wearing the rings given to me from someone I shared a huge part of my life with. Everyone is different and reasons for doing something are too.

Totally agree with your comments pinkjj27. I divorced my husband many, many years ago and have not remarried, and I live on my own. Nevertheless, I do believe that most men are as you have pointed out (and that's not a criticism, just how it is).

My ex-husband and father to my three older children died, as did my partner, the father of my youngest child. My love for neither of them died after their passing. I also found new love again. As human beings, we're capable of living many people during the course of our long lifetime. Time or death doesn't diminish that.

It's ok maybe just chatting what you each maybe would do and feel, but until things actually happen you really don't know. Don't sit and think the worst and that you mean very little to him as it'll only make you unhappy, just enjoy your days together.

This seems to be your interpretation of what he said and meant - maybe tell him how you felt about the conversation and ask him to explain what he meant by it, and maybe look with curiosity at why you had the reaction you had.
But to be honest I would concentrate on living in the here and now - rather than ruminating on what might happen in the future. Life is too short as it is … so enjoy the now - then whoever is left will have cherished memories of happy times.

My husband has gone, I know he had my back and the left a massive void in my life. However, I am 100% sure if he had been the one left in this world, he will have moved on within the 2nd year. I am 100% sure he would not still be talking to my photo, he would not tend my grave weekly. Not that he didn’t love me but because he was a man and was far more clinical and less emotional about relationships than I am. Also, I am resilient, flexible, adaptable, and used to coping on my own. I am organised, I eat healthy, I work out, I keep and I don’t really need anyone. He was not really any of those things. While I am sure he could cook a healthy meal or clean the house he wouldn’t bother and he would see any point in being alone either he would see that as sentimental nonsense. I am also 100% sure he loved me and I would have left a void but he would still have moved on.
Women are socialised to invest more into relationships than men. Widows are far less likely to remarry than widowers. Women cope better and are more emotional about death and loss of a love one. As sexist as that sounds there’s lots of evidence to support it.
My late husband would have coped without a woman but the way he would have seen it is, why would I bother to life is too short.
Your husband is still with you, and you watched a film together then you both talked about it. I would focus on the way he is with you now, not about something that will not affect you anyway. ( No matter which one goes first)

i was widowed at 39 and still wear my wedding ring, i had another partner/companion for 18 years until he died last year, we both wore our wedding rings, we both knew this was not a relationship that would lead to getting wed, when he was dying last year i told him it was time to go back to his wife and promised him we could have a double date when it was my time to go. i see a lot of widow people that still wear there wedding rings. i think women find it easier than men to be on there own, some widowed men are still looking for someone to keep them company and look after them.

I think he's just being realistic... statistically he is likely to find another partner

It would have been more romantic if he had said."I could never replace you, darling". It would have cost him nothing and earned him brownie points. If you die before him you will never experience what happens next. What is happening now is what is important and it seems like you are missing out on expressions of affection. My husband always says that if I die he will go into a monastery which doesn't suggest that marriage has been an experience he wants to repeat.

When you're both sitting there discussing a movie, it's not real. His reply didn't take his emotions into consideration at all. It was said without the benefit of standing there looking into a future without you. Your touch around the house your shared memories that would come back to him time and again. It was an emotionless reply because you're sitting there looking fine. He can't imagine it any other way because he hasn't experienced it. It's all about empathy. It would hit him like a train if you weren't there. He just doesn't know it yet as it hasn't happened.

I’ve written my husband a letter to be opened in case of my death which encourages him to find somebody else to love once he’s over losing me.

Spot on Sago.
I never start conversations for that very reason.
The mind plays games you wish you hadnt started.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I am over sensitive at the best of times, but wasn’t giving him a hard time. I just thought his comments trivialised a relationship. Within the comments they are clearly some situations where a man has moved on shockingly(to me) quickly and I feel for those upset by that….

You are worrying about something that is theoretical so it isn't really important. What your husband thinks he'll feel if you go first (statistically that's less likely) may not be the case at all. So, sorry, yes, I think YABU but we can't always help our feelings which means you need to deal with them without giving your husband too much of a hard time.

I’ve told my husband he’s had the best so leave the rest!

It rather dpends what you mean by 'get over the loss of a partner.

My father was a widower for over 10 years and my mother was part of his life to the end, but he 'got over' the all encompassing grief that overwhelmed all of us following her death and rebuilt his life, so that he could enjoy doing things: meeting friends, teaching himself to cook, keeping busy with all his usual occupations.

I am sure he was lonely. In the sense he was living alone, something he had never done in his life before. But it didn't follow that he was therefore looking out for a replacement for my mother. No one could replace her, they had been together for nearly 60 years.

I am sorry, but I am among those who think that the OP is making a mountain out of a casual worm cast (not even a molehill) of a remark and loading it with meanings that it really doesn't have.

That’s certainly how I feel BigBerthal although my H would need to find someone else as he’d need support re understanding running a home and economy!

telkiefin

Best friend's husband got girlfriend three weeks after funeral. I'm still furious but his family accepted it and no longer talk to me because I let them know my feelings

Everyone is different though. I was widowed five years ago and met the man who is now my second husband eight months after being widowed. I was nowhere near ready for another relationship but we became friends and he was instrumental in helping me through the worst of the grief. It took me a couple of years to get to the point where I could think about starting a proper relationship with him. My own and my late husbands’ family were supportive from the start, but I lost a couple of friends who were really cross with me and thought I was being disrespectful. You absolutely don’t know what you would do until it happens to you and no-one can prepare for the tidal wave of grief. I let those friends go because my reasoning was that they had their own relationships and lives and I was the one going home to an empty house every night - if they wanted to judge me for finding happiness again I didn’t need them as friends. Please don’t judge your friends’ husband too harshly - it does seem very soon but some people just can’t handle being alone, especially if they’ve been in a long and happy relationship with the deceased partner.

Best friend's husband got girlfriend three weeks after funeral. I'm still furious but his family accepted it and no longer talk to me because I let them know my feelings

BigBertha1

Both of us have said we wouldn't get married or involved with anyone else which sounds lovely BUT we don't mean it for the nice reasons - we both mean we wouldn't want to repeat the experience of being married and would rather be alone.

Someone I worked with long ago said something similar, BB1. She elaborated by saying that she just couldn't face having to "rub all the corners off" in a relatiobship again. She was still with her first husband and they got along very well but it clearly hadn't always been easy. Good for her (and her husband), I say.

Each person is unique: kitchen appliances are to all intents and purposes identical.

You can never replace one person with another. However this fact is is not the same as the fact that more than one person can provide companionship or sexual interest.

Don't be upset by what your husband said on this occasion.
Your husband was reasonable and not threatening.

I think you are being over-sensitive, until you suffer the loss of a partner you do not know how you will feel or behave, that said husbands and wives are allowed to have different feelings and opinions, there is no wrong or right here.

Haven’t had chance to read all the replies so far but by kitchen appliance I meant that if a partner can be replaced so easily without feeling sad for a while, it likens them to a kitchen appliance which if it breaks but you need one, you just get another. Thanks everyone for your input, I appreciate it