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Am I being over sensitive to feel no more important than a kitchen appliance

(92 Posts)
hamster58 Thu 28-Jul-22 08:27:22

My husband and I are mid-late 60s. Yesterday we were watching a tv drama where a recently bereaved man was advised to remove his wedding ring by a counsellor and ‘let her go’. My husband thought this was ok whereas I thought it was up to the person and certainly not necessary unless you were looking to replace that person. Our chat continued and my husband said he didn’t know what he would do if I wasn’t here as people get lonely. I do understand that and accept we’re all different and ‘love’ differently. I have nothing against finding a new partner but felt my husband was implying a partner could easily be replaced if you’re on your own. This hurt me a lot as I feel the pain of losing a partner would last a long time and replacing them fully for me is not on the cards. So…am I being over sensitive feeling no more important to him than an appliance to be replaced..,

Baggs Thu 28-Jul-22 08:34:45

You perhaps can't help how you feel about what you thought your husband was implying, but they are your feelings. I don't think you can say that he was the cause of them. Would you not have felt the same if you'd had the same conversation with someone else?

What I'm, clumsily, trying to say is that you and your husband felt differently about something you saw in a tv drama. It says nothing about how your husband feels about you or how you feel about him.

Grieving a long time for someone is not a virtue. Some people grieve for many years; some do not. Goodness knows the whys and wherefores but no blame should be attached.

Which is not to say you are being unreasonable (since you asked), but neither is your husband. It's a different point of view and that's all.

Baggs Thu 28-Jul-22 08:41:09

PS I've never thought of a wedding ring as a kitchen appliance.

And who said anything about replacing a partner "fully"? No-one can do that.

snowberryZ Thu 28-Jul-22 08:55:07

I'm not sure what you mean about kitchen appliances confused
But I think men tend to move on very quickly after bereavement compared to women.
There are also a lot of predatory women out there who will swoop in with offers of 'help' as soon as they get wind that a
female spouse is ill.
I've see it happen with my friend. She's terminally ill and all of a sudden all these women (usually older) are bombarding her husband with offers of help. They don't offer to help her strangely enough !
I've no doubt that when she dies these desperate women will be flocking round her husband likes flies round sh**
Ctazy thing is, he's no prize either.
And being male, I have no doubt he will lap it all up, even though I know he loves my friend dearly.

I saw it happen with another friend who died years ago. Her husband moved in with the woman next door within a month of the funeral.
Apparently she'd been a helpful 'friend' while his wife was illhmm

Obviously this has coloured my view of these things.

Beautful Thu 28-Jul-22 08:56:26

No one knows what they would do until it happens to them ... I have my wedding on after loosing my husband ... many years ago ... yes many ! A friend spoke to me & said if anything was to happen to her she wouldn't want her husband to find anyone else ... as she was possibly in her 20's at the time I felt it rather selfish ... as why would you want them to be lonely for another 40 or so years ? Everyone is different , we have to agree to disagree on things ... I know people who have remarried after loosing a loved one ,also people who have lost a love one & dating , doesn't mean they didn't love the other person , & yes the 2 people I am talking about it, speak openly about it , although can be hurtful I know , not everyone is the same ... some people can cope with loneliness others can't ... try not to let it get to you ... was just a scenario what may happen try not to dwell on it

MawtheMerrier Thu 28-Jul-22 09:00:08

Like the others, I don’t know how OP has made the jump to “kitchen appliance”.
As for the pain of losing a partner, as Baggs said, there is no particular virtue in the length of grief and speaking personally, nobody can know what they would feel until it happens to them. I happen to feel my DH’s loss as much today as I did 4 1/2 years ago, but cope better with my emotions.
There is no rehearsal for bereavement and no road map.

SunshineSally Thu 28-Jul-22 09:17:56

Baggs I so agree.

DH and I have had this conversation a few times now and he’s admitted he wouldn’t be able to cope if I died before him as he’d be lonely - so I fully understand that there could be a second SunshineSally. I, on the other hand probably wouldn’t bother. Having said that, nobody knows how and what they would actually do until they’re in that situation and what works for one person may not work for another as we’re all different.

FarNorth Thu 28-Jul-22 09:19:48

Tbf, your DH said he doesn't know what he would do - and he doesn't.

A friend, widowed suddenly in her mid-30s, was with someone else within weeks - but it was because she was almost deranged with grief and grabbing anything that might help. (It lasted no time at all.)

I get why your DH's comment sounded the way you thought but try to accept that he said it because he doesn't like the idea of being alone, not because he really knows what he'd do or feels casual about the idea of replacing you.

snowberryZ Thu 28-Jul-22 09:22:03

I wouldn't mind my husband moving on eventually. I would want him to not be lonely.
I think its rhe speed of the moving on I have issue with, coupled with all the lonely old women out there, ready to pounce and make a move , even before his wife's body is cold.
As you can see from my previous post, I have seen evidence of this happening unfortunately

Sago Thu 28-Jul-22 09:29:17

Overthinking is dangerous.

Shirley48 Thu 28-Jul-22 09:42:13

I think you are being over sensitive and putting words into your husband’s mouth. He said he would probably feel lonely if he was on his own, but that’s not to say that he would immediately move someone else in. Widows and widowers can become understandably lonely, but hopefully they may have friends with whom they can socialise - doesn’t have to be a new partner. Not everyone has this I know, but DH and I have a very jokey relationship - we would have teased each other in such a conversation and lightened the mood.
Don’t waste your life now worrying about what may be…

Yammy Thu 28-Jul-22 09:59:17

I wouldn't get upset or at least let him know you are. Men really are a different breed.
My DH looks after me very well and I hope he would at least mourn me for a while if I died.
He has always refused to have a wedding ring and said he would rather have one through his nose. He wouldn't care if I didn't wear mine infact he didn't notice when I stopped when my hands were swollen when pregnant. One of his friends "accidently" dropped theirs down the loo and flushed it away.
Sometimes we all feel part of the furniture or the washerwoman and cook. I honestly don't think their actions are meant to hurt until they are pointed out to them. An old fashioned legacy of "Mummys best boy".
I understand what you mean about women flocking around and then moving in or trying to when a wife dies.I have seen it in our village the woman being at least ten years older and to a relation whose husband divorced her and moved three doors up the street with someone he had lined up when she poined out his drawbacks.
I think they treat each other like that and think at times we are one of their mates.If you point something out you are a nag. I usually wait and then recipricate with the same behaviour a few weeks later it seems to work.smile

BigBertha1 Thu 28-Jul-22 10:12:32

Both of us have said we wouldn't get married or involved with anyone else which sounds lovely BUT we don't mean it for the nice reasons - we both mean we wouldn't want to repeat the experience of being married and would rather be alone. hmm

Shirley48 Thu 28-Jul-22 10:49:22

Oh dear, BigBertha1 that sounds a bit sad. How long have you (both) felt like that?

Redhead56 Thu 28-Jul-22 10:54:28

I think the OP used the expression (a kitchen appliance) referring to being easily replaced. Judging by the response from her DH I don’t think she need worry it was just conversation after watching a drama on tv.

My uncle was very well heeled ex military loved and respected by us all. When our aunt died in a military hospital it wasn’t long before he said his intention was to travel to Thailand for a few months. He returned to his home town after the trip and announced to my cousins he was selling up.
When he visited my mum to tell her of his plans he literally said he wanted a new model it was her sister… I was there at the time visiting I was shocked about his cold attitude. It did hit me at the time my auntie was just white goods easily replaced a very cynical attitude toward his wife and mother of his children.

He returned back to his home town two years later homeless and skint. My uncle didn’t get quite the new model he was looking for in his late seventies he was totally ripped off.

Iam64 Thu 28-Jul-22 11:04:51

I’m not surprised you felt hurt OP but men really are a different kind of species. My experience is they often talk about feelings by distancing themselves. There can be an intellectualising rather than emotionally reflective discussion. So - can imagine men getting lonely etc, May mean only that, not that he’s fantasising what he’d do…..

God / the universe -could have made them square with antenna. It would have helped remind us how different we are.

FarNorth Thu 28-Jul-22 11:08:16

That would have helped Iam64!

hamster58 Thu 28-Jul-22 11:24:32

Haven’t had chance to read all the replies so far but by kitchen appliance I meant that if a partner can be replaced so easily without feeling sad for a while, it likens them to a kitchen appliance which if it breaks but you need one, you just get another. Thanks everyone for your input, I appreciate it

Elizabeth27 Thu 28-Jul-22 11:35:37

I think you are being over-sensitive, until you suffer the loss of a partner you do not know how you will feel or behave, that said husbands and wives are allowed to have different feelings and opinions, there is no wrong or right here.

Caleo Thu 28-Jul-22 12:04:57

Each person is unique: kitchen appliances are to all intents and purposes identical.

You can never replace one person with another. However this fact is is not the same as the fact that more than one person can provide companionship or sexual interest.

Don't be upset by what your husband said on this occasion.
Your husband was reasonable and not threatening.

Baggs Thu 28-Jul-22 16:34:16

BigBertha1

Both of us have said we wouldn't get married or involved with anyone else which sounds lovely BUT we don't mean it for the nice reasons - we both mean we wouldn't want to repeat the experience of being married and would rather be alone. hmm

Someone I worked with long ago said something similar, BB1. She elaborated by saying that she just couldn't face having to "rub all the corners off" in a relatiobship again. She was still with her first husband and they got along very well but it clearly hadn't always been easy. Good for her (and her husband), I say.

telkiefin Thu 28-Jul-22 16:40:48

Best friend's husband got girlfriend three weeks after funeral. I'm still furious but his family accepted it and no longer talk to me because I let them know my feelings

Pammie1 Thu 28-Jul-22 16:56:44

telkiefin

Best friend's husband got girlfriend three weeks after funeral. I'm still furious but his family accepted it and no longer talk to me because I let them know my feelings

Everyone is different though. I was widowed five years ago and met the man who is now my second husband eight months after being widowed. I was nowhere near ready for another relationship but we became friends and he was instrumental in helping me through the worst of the grief. It took me a couple of years to get to the point where I could think about starting a proper relationship with him. My own and my late husbands’ family were supportive from the start, but I lost a couple of friends who were really cross with me and thought I was being disrespectful. You absolutely don’t know what you would do until it happens to you and no-one can prepare for the tidal wave of grief. I let those friends go because my reasoning was that they had their own relationships and lives and I was the one going home to an empty house every night - if they wanted to judge me for finding happiness again I didn’t need them as friends. Please don’t judge your friends’ husband too harshly - it does seem very soon but some people just can’t handle being alone, especially if they’ve been in a long and happy relationship with the deceased partner.

Juliet27 Thu 28-Jul-22 16:58:03

That’s certainly how I feel BigBerthal although my H would need to find someone else as he’d need support re understanding running a home and economy!

M0nica Thu 28-Jul-22 19:15:56

It rather dpends what you mean by 'get over the loss of a partner.

My father was a widower for over 10 years and my mother was part of his life to the end, but he 'got over' the all encompassing grief that overwhelmed all of us following her death and rebuilt his life, so that he could enjoy doing things: meeting friends, teaching himself to cook, keeping busy with all his usual occupations.

I am sure he was lonely. In the sense he was living alone, something he had never done in his life before. But it didn't follow that he was therefore looking out for a replacement for my mother. No one could replace her, they had been together for nearly 60 years.

I am sorry, but I am among those who think that the OP is making a mountain out of a casual worm cast (not even a molehill) of a remark and loading it with meanings that it really doesn't have.