Lady who likes to shine

biglouis I was once in a similar position. I asked the offending big talker if we could decide a key word or phrase I could use to indicate to him that he'd gone on talking long enough. He agreed at once and asked if the phrase could be, 'shut up!'

There are cultural differences, true. Some are quite subtle and can grate if you don’t recognise them for what they are.

Do you have any kind of chair or director for your group? Ask them (in confidence) to have a word. This happened when I was chair of a housing co-operative I lived in. There was a male who would drone on under "any other business" when members just wanted to pack up and go home.

I had a quiet word that everyone was finding him hard going and he did shut up for a while. My favorite phrase was "Im closing this down now J" and would stand up to show the meeting was over. Everyone else would quickly jump up too and begin to leave the room.

I have found that many older people were brought up to believe you should "hide your light under a bushell" and "self praise is no recommendation" to use a couple of trite phrases my mother used to employ. It was regarded as showing off to hold center stage. Maybe this lady was brought up in this spirit and is now enjoying our more liberal times.

Ive lived and worked in the USA and found a very different orientation where a "can do" mentality is greatly admired.

Other people can be very envious of someone who is popular and talented. Ive certainly felt this myself in a group even when I did allow others "room to talk." The very fact of knowing what you are good at (as well as what talents you lack) is often misunderstood as empty headed vanity.

My grandmother used to say that part of knowing yourself was to admit what skills you lacked so that you could improve them, if necessary. However there is nothing wrong in admitting that you are good at singing/painting/writing/cooking or whatever.

She was a very wise woman.

You’re so right Aveline. Whatever you have, they’ve always had it and proceed to take over the conversation.

The worst one I remember came to a social group I attend when a similar one of which she was a member was temporarily homeless (the venue was being decorated or something). She arrived early each week, got a seat at the top of the table, and generally held court. Mostly she boasted about her grandchildren (if someone's grandchild was studying physics, hers was doing astrophysics - that sort of thing) if someone else said theirs had least to swim, hers had learnt to fly and so on. A lot of what she said about university was hopelessly out of date, and basically wrong - I had just retired from one, and was well aware that she was repeating things her family had told her and had misunderstood. I didn't contradict her, as I don't think she was lying, so much as misinformed, and there would have been no point. Someone else said that her comments about her grandson's glittering career were similarly way out, apparently - a regular's husband was in that line, and she could tell it was more repeated nonsense, but smiled and said nothing.

She brought in a laptop one day, to show off the cakes she'd made for a grand-child's birthday, however, and was really horrible to one of our number who made much humbler cakes for her own family. The put-downs were awful, and so unnecessary, particularly when she'd been cut so much slack.

The final straw came in about week 3 when she started to introduce us to one another from her vantage point at the top of the table - we had all been going for years, and knew each other well. Luckily, the venue she'd come from re-opened and she didn't come back.

There's even a one upmanship in illnesses too. No matter what been wrong with you they have to have been much worse.

ExDancer A friend of mine does that - even when I've had a busy day, her day has to have been busier. She texted me today, told me all the things she'd done, then asked what I've been doing. replied "very little"

Caleo Thank you. I do crosswords, wordsearches, etc.

Galaxy

Could you say I have eaten 3 Mars bars and watched 5 episodes of vera.

?

Yes I think some people have a need to feel constantly needed and wanted and they have to be doing things all day, every day. They do get things done quickly, though, I have to say but they certainly make you aware of their gifts.

I have a couple of friends who are rather deaf and, although they have hearing aids, it's difficult to stop them when they're in full flow. They talk over the top of you, ask questions and don't stop to listen to answers.
I try to answer the question but in the end have to shout.
Or give in.

Perhaps some of these people don't hear well or perhaps they haven't spoken to anyone for days.

I know the type too. They have a sort of cast iron ring of confidence about them and are quite sure that they know best about everything and really should be in charge of any social outing.

The ones I’ve known haven’t been in the least lonely or insecure, Philippa. They’ve all been superior, bossy, nosey women with husbands and families (poor devils) who have to be the centre of attention at all times, run the show and always think they know best.

Could you say I have eaten 3 Mars bars and watched 5 episodes of vera.

That posted too soon - to continue
The minute she arrives its, "I've made the beds, hoovered the house, emptied the dishwasher, put 3 loads of washing through and dome the ironing. I've made a dress for my granddaughter, cleaned the car and had to wash my hair.
I'm exhausted"
In other words What have you lazy lot been doing?
Its infuriating.

In a social gatheri g as opposed to a formal meeting, its very difficult to stop someone taking over the conversation. Out group of five ladies of a certain age get fed up of hearing the long lost of chores that one lady insists on regaling us with whenever we meet

I've met a few of these people too.There is always one. It's really difficult to be around. I'm guessing she's very lonely and deeply insecure and when home she may take off the 'successful' mask and feel very sad. She obviously doesn't trust that she will be 'heard' in the 'middle ground' that most of us inhabit, so has to push into the extreme place which guarantees attention.
I think if one was to dig deeper one might find a person in despair .
I think all the options of things to say that have been mentioned are great. I have run groups before and one way of sorting it is to have an egg timer so that each person gets their chance to speak... maybe not appropriate for your group tho!

PollyDolly wrote
Excellent advice MadGran and actually, if the discussions are taking place at a Committee meeting the chair could consider stating at the outset. "If anyone wishes to contribute to discussion please raise your hand and please do not interrupt when someone else is talking".

Yes, that is a good idea.

If said upfront then the ambience is openly clear at the start, and thus not personal to anyone, rather than being introduced later when it could be regarded as personal and perhaps perceived by someone as he or she being picked on.

Just a thought— could this lady be, perhaps, insecure and this her way of dealing with it?

Grandmabatty
I agree it will the subject of a problem page next won’t it.

Absolutely right Polly. I don’t know where the idea of being gifted came from - just because she’s good at making cakes? Being gifted doesn’t confer carte blanche to be rude.

Madgran77

.*..now find this woman doesn't allow anyone else to talk without interrupting and talking about herself and what she does and where she goes*

What to do?

1. The cakes, the gifts, belonging to other groups, social media - do nothing! It's her business!

2. The quote I put above:

Each person in group needs to learn and have confidence to use the following phrases when she interruptsI have named her "Chat" in the quotes)

" Could you hang on please Chat I haven't finished speaking"

"Chat, please wait until I have finished"

"Chat, did you think I'd finished speaking? I havent"

" Hang on Chat, Mary hasn't finished commenting yet"

"Chat I can't hear what Mary is saying, can you hang on please"

"Chat that sounds interesting but Mary is telling us about ...so hang on"

Going on and on about what she does and where she goes:

Give her 5 minutes or so maybe then:

"Sorry to interrupt but Mary, didn't you go to ..... as well? What did you think of it?"

"Anyone else fancy a piece of Chats cake. Mary could you help me bring some over please?"

Alternatively, a quiet word with Chat...about interrupting and how you can help her realise what she is doing as you are sure it is not on purpose .....!!

Excellent advice MadGran and actually, if the discussions are taking place at a Committee meeting the chair could consider stating at the outset. "If anyone wishes to contribute to discussion please raise your hand and please do not interrupt when someone else is talking".

While I agree with Madgran's effective democratic advice, I feel more sympathetic with Star Dreamer's empathy with the gifted.

This is a problem in education. Gifted pupils are being held back by the lowest common denominator.

Howverydareyou, congratulations! Your experience of online language use should encourage others needing to limber up their brains after stroke.