HELP a first time grandma

We went for Sunday lunch and I treated them to a pub lunch . They don’t like my dog even though I’ve bought stairgates so she is away in a room no where near where they are . Yes it was all social media that was band but I’m the only one sticking to the rules . Her parents , my son and gf and even my mum have posted pics of him

I saw my son and gf a lot . They would come for Sunday lunch , BBQ, visits, and they even stayed at Christmas ( this was a total shock ) . He is an only child and I was a single mum so my son has always loved our house at Christmas as I go all out and spoil him and now her . It’s since they had the baby it’s stopped. I wasn’t allowed to the hospital but her parents went . I waited patiently till I was told when to go ( they said they would tell me when I could go ) it was about 5 days after his birth .

* Update***

When I got home from the outing I had a phone call at 8.30pm from my son. He wanted to ask a favour . They had forgotten that cause her parents were going with them they had no one to feed the cat so could I “pop over “ twice a day to let it in /out and feed it and clean up after it . So now I’m doing the 25 mins drive there and back twice a day . The cat normally goes to her mums when they go away . I just smiled sweetly and said of course . At least I’m part of their lives even if it is cleaning up cat poop lol

At least I’m part of their lives even if it is cleaning up cat poop lol

Ouch!
Bit of a cheek but well done you ?

I think this business of no touching a baby is awful how else do you cuddle your first grandchild
Cold old world when germs come above cuddles Not sure how mine ever survived

I feel for you and I d be extremely put out if they lived fairly near but obviously her family call the tunes and it’s totally up to your son to pull back a bit of that control and to say well let’s go and see mum this weekend
Bloody cheek having to look after the cat perhaps you should have been ‘away’ too
Ps just read your later posts the clue could be in your dog although it’s put out the way for a visit maybe she doesn’t like the air it breaths but they have a cat so shouldn’t be that
I think you need to talk to your son he’s obviously under her thumb and it is very unfair
Sons always veer towards the wife’s family no I should say often not always as someone will come and tell me I m wrong but it should be more equal than it is and that up to your lad to sort for you
Good luck I hope it levels for you

Unfortunately you are the paternal grandmother and that is always tricky. I’ve experienced similar in the past and there’s not a great deal you can do. I’d have a word with your son and explain you feel as if you’re doing something wrong but don’t let it come across as jealousy of dil’s parents.

As for the comment from another poster saying “it was quite a concession” for your son and DIL to accept your lunch invitation??! Really? It’s normal behaviour to accept lunch invitations from close family so ignore those type of comments.

Hopefully things will get better but just keep smiling, don’t push and accept what you cannot change.

Sorry I hadn’t read your post about the cat!! Bloody cheek. By all means turn the other cheek but don’t allow yourself to become a doormat. You’re worth more than that.

I think you are doing really well, maybe too well, I think I would have told them to put the cat in a cattery.

I think my daughters have always been reasonably fair, I think they see more of us, but one other set of grandparents aren’t interested although they only live a few miles away.

Just be there, I think you’ve been amazing.

The no touching the face is normal. My son is 8 months and it was the medical advice we were give too along with no kissing their face.

Do you think, because you are being bright and breezy, they think you're OK with the situation? There's nothing you've wrote that ring any alarms bells. You have a great relationship with both your son and GF and you see your grandson.

Could you invite them over for lunch? Tea and cake? Or something like that. Tell your son that you miss seeing them all and would love to arrange something.

I have a feeling that the dog may be a reason they won't visit your house with the baby. Many people are very nervous about dogs and babies, even if the dog is in another room - houses with dogs always smell of dog, though owners don't usually notice!

You also mentioning visiting at 6, after work. That's the worst time to visit anyone with a baby - babies are usually cranky in the evenings and parents are probably trying to get a meal together so everyone is stressed!

If you want to see a bit more of them, try to visit in the morning or lunchtime- you say you work full time but presumably you can take an occasional day or half day off.

My DIL just gave birth Sunday. I am overwhelmed with joy. I haven’t cuddled the little angel yet, but I am not upset that her mother was at the hospital and not me. My son didn’t labor for 28 hours. He didn’t have major abdominal surgery to bring the baby into the world. It’s really important to not compare the relationships these young women have with their moms to their relationships with us. If we keep banging on about what is fair and equal, instead of simply enjoying the time we have with them, we often create these problems ourselves. And for the record, fair isn’t always equal. Comparison acts as oxygen to a fire and fuels the flames of immature jealousy.

You say they don’t come around, then you cited an example of them visiting. You then went on to criticize their rightful protection of their child. I found it quote telling that you were “embarrassed” by them justifiably telling daft adults not to touch baby’s face. You should have been embarrassed that an adult in 2022 needs to be told to keep their dirty hands away from such a young babe’s face. So you clearly disapprove of even their most basic parenting practices. Do you not think they sense this and may find it annoying to deal with? She may be able to tell her own mother to back off, but wouldn’t speak to you so candidly. You also mentioned the dog they don’t like. It is positively unreasonable for dog owners to expect others to be comfortable with animals, especially if worrisome behavior has already been displayed. They may be tired of you trying to convince them of how safe your dog is, and would rather avoid going over all together. I cannot fault them for this. But my advice to you is to adjust your own expectations. The problems in your relationship seems entirely one-sided, meaning they don’t appear to see problems where you do.

Some find it easy to lean into the victimhood of being the “paternal gran”, so much so that they willfully ignore their own off-putting behavior. Maybe try to look at things from their perspective.

tickingbird

Sorry I hadn’t read your post about the cat!! Bloody cheek. By all means turn the other cheek but don’t allow yourself to become a doormat. You’re worth more than that.

I agree with tickingbird on this.

TBH I have had terrible experiences with my MIL's dogs and stopped taking our children there.

I’m the grannie who always has 2 or 3 dogs. Currently I have a 4 year old smallish dog and 20 month old giant dog. My 4 young grandchildren are all under 7.
My dogs are in the utility behind a safety gate so with us, the can see and hear but they’re safely out the way of licking, taking biscuits or having the giant dog wag his tail and knock a child over.
My children grew up with dogs. My grandchildren don’t live here. They abd the dogs need separating to keep their joint excitement levels manageable
It’s the least grandparents can do

Would that my ILs had been as responsible!

"Some find it easy to lean into the victimhood of being the “paternal gran”, so much so that they willfully ignore their own off-putting behavior."

Oh my yes. Paternal/Maternal GP victimhood is pure tosh.

Couples decide together, both perfect son and his wife.

I have a problem with people who say my son and girlfriend have just had MY grandchild

princessjonsie Just give it time and don't compare with the other GPs. You could always ask if it is ok to put an occasional photo up now ...maybe they have relaxed a bit? / Personally, I tend to think pics on social media are not a good idea, but we are all different and the parents must decide - but you need to understand the apparent inconsistency

And I really think you need to stop being embarrassed because they ask your friends/wider family to stick to what they want for their little baby!

UPDATE** I’m on cloud nine . While they were away I went everyday to feed the cat . They came back on Friday and I got a message just saying thanks for looking after the cat . I said your very welcome anytime . Didn’t hear from them until today . I messaged to say was there a convenient time to visit this weeks or would the weekend be better ( I did listen to messages about 6 pm being a bad time ) and I got a lovely message back about about would I like to meet them for a Saturday walk in the country and a pub lunch . I’m going on my own with them so I can spend some quality time . I’ve not stopped smiling all day . I’m over the moon . Perhaps my patience has paid off after all . Even if we do this once a month or every other month that would make me so happy . Fingers crossed it lasts . Thanks everyone xxxxx

Thanks for the update Princessjonsie. It’s always appreciated when posters come back to tell us what happened.

The baby will start to get more interesting from now on- even if you only see him about once a month you can enjoy watching his progress?

You sound like a lovely Grandma and being patient has paid off. I know that babies stay tiny for such a short time, but I am sure that as your GS gets older you will be more involved in his life. So much to look forward to!

Princessjonsie