Holidays with in laws -need to say no

You and your husband are older now than when you first starting having holidays with his parents, and realistically it’s time for a change for many reasons. The escalating drinking and bickering are just two reasons!

You sound as though you would be ok to see them, for a short while, but not for extended stays in your own home or a villa or wherever. There are some very reasonably priced mid week breaks or weekend breaks in this country, and perhaps the day or two beforehand they stay at a nearby hotel.

A 4 star hotel near us does some marvellous breaks and sometimes has rooms at £60.00 per double room on a Sunday or Monday. On other days or at peak times, their prices can go up to £460.00 per room, so choose your dates carefully! And Travelodge or Premier Inn Hotels have some very good deals.

Your break from your in laws doesn’t need to be all or nothing but you definitely don’t want to go on as you are! Hope it goes well, am sure it will. ???

Maybe have a friend to stay over Christmas so “their” room isn’t available.

Of course you may have Covid as a heavy cold is a good indicator so tell them that yoy can no longer entertain them & best that they go and stay in a hotel
Tell them straight that from now on 10 days is too long and that they can visit only 3 nights max
If your husband doesn't like then tell him that you are moving out & he can look after them

Let your husband go on holiday with them and you go elsewhere. Relax, eat, drink what you want when you want. I go away by myself, it is very liberating.

If you say nothing and carry on, your resentment will build and eventually there will be a big row, which will potentially split the family more than if you say you feel increasingly tired these days and can no longer enjoy the holidays as you used to.

When I was engaged my inlaws used to be upset that their older son never took them on holiday. He went away with his wife's family every year though. It seemed sad .
So, when we were married and had 2 small children ( and just pregnant with number 3) I thought we could make it up to them by taking them on a nice holiday with us.
That single holiday finished me.
My parents in law were nice people who didn't drink etc.
Unfortunately, the minute we arrived at our cottage FIL sat and put telly on , MIL disappeared into kitchen, insisting on cooking full meals .....exactly like they did at home every single day. You wouldn't have thought they were on holiday.
Neither interacted with the children and trips out were a night mare of them being unable to make decisions but not liking our choices.
I suddenly understood why my BIL didn't take them. They were very hard work .
We never did take them again.... yet went with my parents and siblings every year.
Different people, I guess .

We only had one holiday with others apart from family. It was caravanning to Denmark sharing car but they had tent. The woman proved to have a B.O. problem and did not shower. Also she left all the food shopping and most of the cooking to me making the excuse that it was her first time abroad and didn’t know the language. I don’t speak much German or Danish but these countries speak English.

If it was me, I might suggest to DH that you give him full permission to go alone on holiday with his parents.

You could suggest your house is becoming a dry house. Might stir some movement.

Sounds horrendous but after 18 yrs it's really difficult to break the pattern that's been established especially due to their age and of course because they are DH's parents. I wish you luck and hope it doesn't cause problems between you and your DH.
Luckygirl13 I know just what you mean about not wanting family to think they are 'locked in' to inviting you on holiday or for Christmas etc. I only lost my DH in May but am already conscious of this and would hate family to feel obliged to invite me to join them for various activities.

Saying no is always hard, but quite honestly you have more than done your duty by your husband's parents.

Unfortunately, you have not told us if your husband agrees with you that this has to stop now, or not.

If he does not see your point of view, you need to start there and get him to understand that it is not reasonable that your entire holiday every year should be given up to his parents, who sound a nightmare.

If you and he are in agreement, start by doing two things:

1 make arrangements to go way somewhere just you and your husband next year in your annual holiday and book the holiday now if you know the dates, or as soon as the holiday is planned at work.

2 phone your SIL and ask if it is correct that she has invited them for Christmas, and tell her nicely that your parents-in-law cannot stay with you at Christmas this year. No need to give a reason, but if she asks just say you are absolutely exhausted and need time to relax over Christmas and New Year. Don't budge on the impossiblity of them staying at your place and don't allow yourself to be shanghaied into fixing up accommodation for them.

3 you and your husband need to confront HIS parents together and tell them that you can no longer cope with holidays as they have been for the past 18 years. It is now too tiring.

Don't be led into any other explanations or citicism of their behaviour.

Tell them that all good things come to an end and that next holiday you and your husband will be going away together.

All this will probably come better from him than from you, but I doubt you will get him to tackle his parents about this.

Obviously, this awkward talk needs to happen when your in-laws are sober, or what passes for sober with them.

While you are discussing all this alone with your husband point out that it upsets you when he sounds like his parents if things annoy or upset him and ask him to try to stop this.

There is no need for unpleasantness. If you feel ill just take to your bed. Husband and children can 'muck in' and keep the show on the road. Then after they have gone home have a talk with your family, not a martyred complaining one but a factual one saying that you cannot cope anymore and that a new plan is needed for next year. let them come up with a set of options and choose the one that works best for you all.

After 3 days fish and guests stink... Too much, too long, not fun. They - AND your husband should be ashamed!!! IF you can face them at all, you MUST put a practical, enforceable limit on the time. (You can guess from my tone I have got the t-shirt on this). You need them all to know that these 'holidays' are not a break at all for you - they are harder work than your ordinary life. If you go with or host them again, it must be for a short time and you need a break afterwards.

Hope you've put your foot down with a heavy hand I doubt I would have done this once never mind 18 times

Think you should have said something 17 yrs ago lol oh have you just come for a rant lol ok cya next year after number 19 ?

18 years is enough now, I think. Well done for that. None of you getting any younger. Sounds like you deserve a proper holiday with someone waiting on you. Perhaps a shorter break, max 3 nights, if you do need to spend time with them. That way, you will still love them as you do now.

It’s a big fat no from me, to be honest I wouldn’t have put up with that if I had problem in the first instance, never mind carrying it on for years and years absolute bonkers!

18 Years!! my god you deserve a medal. Please stick to your guns and say no, enough is enough. If your hubby doesn't agree let him go on holiday with them. You are not getting any younger, no offence!! but so are they and they will only get worse. Good luck to you!!

I don't know about holidays with the in-laws. It is certainly not a good idea to live too close to them, as I found out to my cost. See My House: a mini memoir on Booksie.com

I think you missed a golden opportunity post Covid. Lots of people I know have been revisiting habitual family arrangements. I think you need to engage your Sil and husband in a discussion about shouldering the future arrangements on a equal shared basis and take it turns so that you ALL tell your in laws what future invitations will look like and you all sing from same hymn sheet. I.e shorter visits and with stays with different family members and with some holidays taken without them, as you need a proper break yourself.

I tolerated having my late mother in law every Christmas for a week stay every year and a week in the summer for years and sometimes for Easter as well. She was no trouble but I resented having to use my annual leave from a demanding job to act as hostess/caterer/cleaner. The most annoying thing was that my birthday fell during her Xmas stay but she never offered once to baby sit to allow me and my husband an evening off. I felt taken for granted by not only my mother in law but by husband and the rest of his family as he had 4 married brothers. It was a contributory factor in an eventual late divorce which I would not wish upon anyone.

Easy......say not on your life.

Do you really have to agree to a 10 day break? I suspect its now an expectation and you may have made a rod for your own back by not allowing help in the kitchen so perhaps a hotel break for just a few days would work out better. If not, then I'm afraid you either have to put up and shut up or say you are finding your holiday isn't as restful for you as you would like now and its too long so can you drop it or make it shorter. Its always hard when its family or friends but not impossible to tweak it and for you to find some enjoyment from it. Good luck.

I’m concerned that DH might make any holiday without his parents rather unpleasant. The fact you appear to have always self-catered may indicate that funds won’t stretch to a hotel or cruise, which would relieve you of the slavery, so I think you may have to put on a prolonged act. Complain of tiredness at the end of most days, talk of going to the doctor, etc, so that he takes your side & becomes more understanding. Also, could you decide to redecorate the spare bedroom, pile everything up in readiness….. then just feel too tired to get on with it, at least until after Christmas? It’s dishonest but saves giving offence.

UPDATE BIG GIRL PANTS WORN*
Hello you lovely lot, so thanks to all of
You that took time to respond and give support . I have had the chat , my OH is on board , no to Xmas no more holidays and a revision of the expectation to stay here whenever they get invited by the sil ( reads as : nope not here but there are some lovely b+bs nearby )
It surprised me that OH was actually as peed off with it as I was.
I’m still poorly ?. But we arrived home yesterday and they are leaving to go back to their own home now .. thank the stars.

Azalea99 -I wouldn’t go on a cruise as I am rubbish on the water ! Hotels are indeed Lovely and we have for own own separate holidays gone to some very nice hotels for our usual annual May sojourn for our anniversary in many other countries.

Well done!
Glad your DH is onside. Have you actually told the in-laws yet?