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parent very critically ill

(29 Posts)
Dawn62 Sat 15-Oct-22 18:16:40

hi,sorry if i babble but my dad who is 83 is critically ill.He had a triple heart bypass on monday and he had a bleed after it which meant more surgery to repair and now he is classed as very critical and the sickest person in the hospital.He's my dad i am 60 and i am heart broken,i have taken my mum a few times to sit with him she is poor mum in total shock he only went in for stents but needed a bypass,he has not been woken up,he's on bypass machine and his organs are getting weaker,we have been told that there is more chance he won't make it than will and i selfishly cannot take this i want my dad,the days before the op i had endless messages and calls from him,we were'nt allowed to visit because of covid he cried lots every day to me and my mum,told me to look after mum told us he loved us etc,nobody expected this to happen and i am really stuck ,i ring the hospital for updates but they say he's on a knifes edge could go at any point so just waiting for that call.So reason for a posting is please can anyone offer any advice.thank you

Blossoming Sat 15-Oct-22 18:23:22

No advice I’m afraid, I was devastated when I lost my dad even though it was expected. You have my sympathies, try to stay strong for your mum, you will be a great comfort to each other if and when the worst does happen x

silverlining48 Sat 15-Oct-22 18:25:46

No advice Dawn, just hope your dad pulls through. Waiting is just so hard. So very sorry. flowers

Grannmarie Sat 15-Oct-22 18:33:14

Hello, Dawn, my heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry to hear about your dear Dad. No matter what age you are,you are never prepared to lose a beloved parent.
Is it at all possible for you and your Mum to get to the hospital to be with him, one on either side of hos bed, holding his hands?
I thought family were allowed in for 'end of life' circumstances? It may comfort your parents to be together, even if your Dad is unconscious.

If that is not possible, can you be with your Mum, to support and comfort each other, should the call come?

Please don't give up hope, hospitals have to be quite blunt and prepare you for the worst, but keep hoping for a positive outcome.

Thinking of you and your family.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 15-Oct-22 18:41:03

I’m sure you would be allowed in to sit with your Dad, as the circumstances are different to normal hospital procedure.

I send you my best wishes, but hope that the worst case scenario is just that and that he recovers.

NotSpaghetti Sat 15-Oct-22 18:45:54

I second Oops - I think you should ask to stay with him.
I think in extreme situations they do allow this.

BlueBelle Sat 15-Oct-22 18:47:31

I ve got no advice Dawn I lost my Mum and my dad within 6 months of each other it was horrendous my dad seemed so sudden one minute he was pottering around interested in everyone and everything and then he was a very very ill man I sat in shock watching him die I couldn’t think, talk or do anything I was in shock for months and was probably still in shock when mum died
All I can do is offer you a virtual hug

grannypiper Sat 15-Oct-22 19:12:07

Dawn i really feel for you and your Mum, please insist that you sit with him. [ flowers]

paddyann54 Sat 15-Oct-22 19:40:39

we had the one person at a time visiting last year when my lovely MIL hada massive stroke.My OH went in and I sat in the car park ,thankfully a lovely male nurse let us both in on one visit but that was the last time I saw her .
Its awful its so sad for your mum so I would ask if you could be with her for her support .Its not fair to keep you out.
I wish you the strength to get through this difficult time and byond both for yourself and your family

Iam64 Sat 15-Oct-22 19:41:56


I’m sure you would be allowed in to sit with your Dad, as the circumstances are different to normal hospital procedure.

I send you my best wishes, but hope that the worst case scenario is just that and that he recovers.

My recent experience is that hospitals Ben the strict covid visiting rules in circumstances like yours. We were cared for during what was a truly challenging week

ginny Sat 15-Oct-22 20:04:16

Such a difficult time for you.
I lost my Mum very suddenly hen I was 38 and my Dad after a long illness 18 years later. It is devastating but you will cope. Do ask if you and your Mum can sit with him. Thinking of you.

Grammaretto Sat 15-Oct-22 20:16:46

It's so hard when this happens and doubly hard due to Covid
We managed to spring DH from the hospital when we were told there were no visitors allowed
He was still conscious though.
He died 3 weeks later at home.
Sending hugs and hopes

Shelflife Sat 15-Oct-22 22:46:50

Dawn, my heart goes out to you and your Mum. Nothing I convey can help the situation but please know I and others here are thinking of you all. Please persevere and insist you and your Mum sit beside him. ??

Florencelady Sun 16-Oct-22 03:54:44

My own dad had a similar set back after a bypass. Doctors told us he would get a good ten years after it as he was very healthy in all other ways. But it all went wrong which only happens in about 1 in a 100 cases. It's heartbreaking as what was supposed to bring hope brought unexpected pain. I am sorry for you in this situation but agree with others: sit with him. It does help.
He sounds like a fab dad so hold your last conversations close to your heart.

LRavenscroft Sun 16-Oct-22 08:29:58

Dawn 62. Hi. I so understand where you are coming from, having been in a similar position a few years ago. This time is precious for you and your mum. Think back to all the wonderful memories of your dad and, if possible, try to haul all that love you got from him as a child, to the surface and pour it back into him and the situation. The fact that he has turned to you with his feelings is such a gift. If you can remember it, write it all down in a book. My dad was the centre of my universe and strangely enough, I look back with the fondest of memories of my 60 years of life with him, and he still walks with me everyday and we still talk about everything he did and said and we keep him alive by recounting what he would have done. He is there with you forever and so is your love together. Sending the most heartfelt of wishes to you and your family.

Redhead56 Sun 16-Oct-22 09:11:52

Very sorry to hear about your dad be with him and a comfort for your mum. ?

Yammy Sun 16-Oct-22 09:24:39

Very sorry to hear about your dad. I lost mine in my 40's due to his second Coronary bypass. Try to see if you can sit with him. My mum managed to get mine home and they just sat and she talked to him and they looked through photo albums.
take comfort from his

Dawn62 Fri 21-Oct-22 08:13:15

My dad died monday,he had a triple bypass and never woke up,he had a bleed following the bypass and for the last week my mum and i sat with him he wasn't awake,never came around monday they turned off the machines,the worst day of my life as i left the room i turned around and said bye dad and that is replaying over and over in my head,my dad has gone and i am struggling,i have a wonderful husband of 40 years and a son with his family etc,so i am blessed.My mum after 60 years of marriage is heartbroken,i have another big problem my sister who is last 50s lived with my parents never worked and for years she did not speak to my parents a story of hate really anyway she has suddenly wanted to take charge of everything i am the oldest just the 2 of us,i had'nt spoke to her in 40 years but when we know dad was at the end i went in to offer the olive branch i called up the stairs to her she told me to go away as i was walking down the stairs she flew out of her room pushed me the rest of the way down the stairs and started screaming at me,mum was outside heard all this,now she has rang the solicitor etc i have a wriiten message from dad saying i was to take charge and a text the day of his op telling me i was the dad now and what to do going forward,i really cannot cope with this i lost my dad but the hate i feel for her is stopping everything else and mum is in the middle of this,i was thinking of going over writing notes first only say what needs to be said with mum there and leave it because inside i am saying to myself i hate you i hate you goodness sake i am 60 her 3 years younger and we are acting like this,what about mum,she says everything will be equal,but really it all goes to mum so why fight about it then i know after mums days i will have this again,so we need to sort that out soon but lets put dad to rest first,i know she is jealous of me and i know i was closest to dad we were the most alike,so i just want to think about dad but i can't let her boss me about,i really have had enough.

Spinnaker Fri 21-Oct-22 08:37:02

Condolences Dawn62 to you and your Mum. flowers

EkwaNimitee Fri 21-Oct-22 08:53:27

Dear Dawn I'm sorry you've lost your dear Dad.
Mine went in similar circumstances at the age of 89 after an unexpected double bypass. We thought it had gone well and he was conscious and cheerful after but then in the middle of the night, we got that call from the hospital.... So I understand the shock you and your Mum are in.
Your sister has mental problems? Is there no professional that can help/advise? This is a horrible situation to have to cope with right now. I hope others here may be able to give you some better advice

Dickens Fri 21-Oct-22 09:13:29

Dear Dawn62

The staff are preparing you for the worst. Please ask if you and your dear Mum can sit with him. If the worst does happen, you will get some comfort from the fact that you were both there with him.

Call the hospital now. Don't wait for 'the call'.

My heart goes out to you. x

Dickens Fri 21-Oct-22 09:15:58

So sorry Dawn - just seen your latest message after posting.

You've lost your Dad and nothing quite prepares you for that. Hold your memories close to your heart.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. x

Dickens Fri 21-Oct-22 09:21:30


Is it worth maybe ringing AGE UK - to see if they can offer any suggestions as to resources that might be available to you at this time - to help you cope with this horrendous situation with your sister?

Grandmabatty Fri 21-Oct-22 09:43:58

I'm sorry you have lost your dad. My condolences. In my experience, a death can bring out the best and the worst in people. You are grieving badly and probably your sister is too. Maybe because of undiagnosed mental health problems she can't articulate that so has an excessive need to control. Keep deferring to your mum. I don't mean get her to make decisions as lord knows my mum couldn't when dad died, but check with your mum about things and if your sister argues just repeat, "it's what mum wants" and keep saying it. Don't get pulled into an argument. Be gentle with yourself too.

henetha Fri 21-Oct-22 09:51:52

So sad for you, Dawn. flowers