Increased irritability!

Last time I went on holiday with a group (2 of them were not my friends but randoms who tagged on) we all sat in different seats on the journey back!

That cured me of running around after other people and compromising what I wanted to do. Plus doing all the interpreting and arranging because they didnt speak French. I then began going on holiday by myself. That has its downsides - like having to eat on my own in the evening - but there are so many upsides in being able to make your own plan and stick to it.

# For those who so kindly gave advice on my above post: My first tenet is never to hurt anyone and, if I need to go, leave by the back door unnoticed. So, re: the outcome of the friend who increasingly irritated me about a trip to stay with her at her retirement village. I decided that it would all be too much for me and I would not enjoy so much time in her company - not fair on her/not fair on me. So, as I was not feeling too well early autumn, I emailed her telling her this and that I could not manage the trip to stay with her. I got back a hugely long email telling me all about all her illnesses, meds, her difficulties over the past ten years re family and home etc and after I read it I just felt drained. Not so much as a whisper of How are you? I feel for the future that this is a relationship I will gently leave as there is nothing in it for me apart from just providing an ear for all her troubles. I just know that if I am Facetime with her it will be all about her and her life for two hours. For me, it is more important to run with my gut feeling for a quiet and peaceful life than pleasing her as an ear. It leaves me drained, wrung out with the feeling to run like the wind away from her. Life is too short.

I think most of us find ourselves being a bit more grumpy, irritable with age. Honest question: Is there a little bit of jealousy because your two friends are enjoying their lives?

There are no rules in retirement that say you have to go where you are invited. Kindly bow out. I don't think you need to give an excuse or plan another vacation just so you don't have to go. Better to not go than to ruin a relationship with two friends. Perhaps when you feel better about the relationship, you can invite them to do something you really enjoy.

Good on you, recognizing your faults. We all should have such open eyes to our weaknesses.

Best wishes.

I should have read the whole thread. I now see that you were invited for 2 weeks and golf will be the focus. That sounds 'horrendous. I can't see what is wrong with you just saying thank you so much for asking but golf isn't really my thing and I couldn't possibly spare two weeks anyway. Even if they wouldn't mind you going off and doing your own thing in the daytime, you would still have whole evenings stretching before you, filled with chit chat that doesn't interest you.

From what you say, it seems that it isn't so much that you don't want to visit a retirement village (though it's not your idea of fun), but your friends' self-centredness that gets you down. I quite understand that. It is disheartening when friends neither ask how you are or show interest in your own opinions and experiences.

As Grammy suggested, try to introduce subjects other than themselves to talk about. If they continue to prattle on about themselves and you feel their company would be of no significant loss to you, perhaps it's time to distance yourself a little.

I do understand people who say beware of jettisoning friends because you may need their company one day. However, I'm not sure that people who show no interest in your wellbeing or your life are really friends. And if they are making you feel grumpy then that's not good either.

I’m with you all the way.Let’s live our lives as we wish ….to hell with everything else.We are old and we can please ourselves.

This friendship must go back a long way. You say that they are 'very kind and always bother', so, in most respects, you do still value them. Do you think they would mind if you decided to go off on your own rather than join them on a visit? As they seem to be true friends, perhaps they would be happy for you to 'do your own thing', if you explained yourself tactfully. Don't lose sight of the friendship which is worth a million of any currency. If you were in need, suddenly to become unwell, who would be the first to come to the rescue?

PS Absolutely nowhere in your post did you say that you ‘did not want to offend’.
I got the impression that you were venting about your mates.
In particular, how you were more high minded than them, with your ‘arty’ pursuits and fondness of Martha’s Vineyard over golf buggies and chit chat.

To be honest, LR, I was rather confused about what you wanted from the thread.
Half of it was about being irritated (as per your title) and how much your friends annoyed you.

But I certainly I did not give you ‘a lecture’.

Anyway, have you told them yet that you don’t want to go?

Shelflife

Each to their own L. Ravenscroft. You seem rather self important, if your 'friends' are kind to you and love their families - what's not to like? You have an invitation, either accept graciously or take a trip to Martha's Vineyard!! you may be more comfortable with just yourself for company!

Why am I self important trying to look after myself? No one else is going to do it for me. Is it so wrong to seek other's opinions on how to get out of 2 weeks playing golf at a retirement village? My main point was to avoid offending anyone in the process.

FannyCornforth

I do think that you are being unreasonable.
I don’t think that you like your ‘kind’ but ‘excruciating monotonous’ friends, and you sound a bit spoilt.
I’d love to live in the sort of retirement village you describe in 15 or so years time.
You’d never be without company and looked after.
Just tell your ‘friend’ the truth and maybe they won’t waste their time asking you again.

Some people actually like to do their own thing without necessarily offending others. I was seeking opinions on how to gently and politely get out of the two week golf holiday not a lecture on how spoilt I was.

I complained to a U3A acquaintance that I found most of the people I’d met through this organisation pretty boring. Her response? “ You aren’t asking them the right questions.”
I had a word with myself and decided I was too self absorbed. Most people are very interesting if you can find the right questions to ask them. Not that this is a criticism of the poster; I am a grumpy so-and-so myself with perhaps too great a desire to be entertained.

Dear LRavenscroft

Always remember : you're a long time staring at the lid.

Or the top of the urn.

No-one EVER asked to have the words "I wish I'd spent more time being bored" engraved on their slab.

I wouldn’t accept an invitation for two weeks with anyone! I am an introvert and a little company goes a long way for me. A retirement village would drive me batty. Let your friends enjoy the trip and do something YOU enjoy.

Just read that post and yes , in Portugal the version is "Visitors , like fish, stink after 3 days!"

If you have ever watched Waiting for God, I am the Stephanie Cole style person! So a few possibiites. My sister was in quite a high power job in London, and decided that one christmas that she just needed some time on her own. Didnt want to upset friends who were planning various get together etc, so she told them all she was away over christmas.and would get in touch when she got back. She stocked up on food , drink etc , didnt want any christmas style food, and just stayed home. It was just what she needed. Time to rest do whatever she wanted to do, not be beholden to anyone else and had food she liked but didnt want a lot of treat kind of food. Result - great. She had her quiet time , rested and didnt put on any weight. When she got back in touch with friends , she was very popular as was quite happy to eat turkey sandwiches or whatever. Didnt have tales of annoying family members or awful journeys, and now rested was able to be receptive to friends comments Listening to them she confirmed in her own mind that her choice had been the best for her that year! Perhaps that could be something you could do something similar for a time to give you a break. At the end of the break when you have had a rest you might be able to decide if your friendship was worth some effort, or alternatively that sadly the friendship has run its course. Years ago when my son was about 6 or so I organised a January get together. As a singer I was always up to my eyes rehearsing , doing carol concerts sorting out all the christmas stuff. i have two standby presents. One was a book token, the other a box of Anton Berg very posh version of jaffa cakes. Think there were 8 in a box individually wrapped and could be choice of fruit , chocolate covered and with liqueurs in the middle. Wrapped them in xmas paper and put label on. So if caught out with extra visitor and no present for them , you could choose between these two presents and just write name on . If you have been very organised dont need them. So then would invite friends to come for decent ground coffee, not a sign of any christmas food about and on the week the children went back to school we would have a very well deserved time together. How about trying to organise a meeting in somewhere like an RHS garden, or National Trust if you have their ticket, So that you are wandering round something specific, so you are not just sitting listening to a lot of moaning? Perhaps if you can afford it give yourself a day out on your own where you can have total choice of what you do whether it is going swimming or walking or whatever. that way you have some "me" time and perhaps you might look on Restless group to see if there are things happening that might appeal. Set up some of your own rules When I had cancer and was coping with chemo etc for over six months, I said to friends that I didnt have cancer at weekends - and explained that while I appreciated their care and wish to support, if they felt obliged to ask me how the treatment was doing etc etc. and if I had been having a few moments looking at some beautiful flower and not thinking cancer cancer , it of course brought it right back to me. Telling them this in quite a jokey way worked quite well, and they probably were quite relieved to know how I felt and what might be best. Did you ever read Worzel Gummidge with his different scarecrow heads on? Again , it can sound less confrontational and awkward to say "sorry I have my unsociable head on today, thanks for the offer but think it would be better to go out another time.Good Luck and Best wishes

Sign me up for that retirement village !

Martha’s Vineyard wow I will come with you, looks wonderful, I could learn sign language there by the look of it in the two weeks we are there. I am very hard of hearing. Do hope you go looks fabulous

biglouis

I fully understand the OP feeling irritable at the "small stuff". Although I am a creature of routine and habit I often get sick of it and ask myself "do I really want to waste my time doing this?"

Sometimes I get up, go into the bathroom for a shower, and then think "what the hell" and go back to bed again. I find that more and more Im saying to myself in good old Liverpudlian fashion

"Sod that for a game of soldiers"

and leaving whatever it is to another time. This is particularly true when it involves accommodating another person.

I laughed at this biglouis and did a big thumbs up to you...

I can empathise with your feelings. It sounds like your friends aren't really listening to you. Not everyone is a good listener. Flagging up you need to get something off your chest can be helpful/essential with people who tend to auto transmit. And if your friends still don't listen, then I suspect it is time to draw a line on these relationships.

It is also quite easy to become isolated after any kind of emotional or physical trauma. I did after having brain surgery some years ago. Some of that was a necessary withdrawal from life while I rested and repaired, but there is a danger it goes on too long.

And trauma changes us and what we value more and less in friendship.

A throwaway comment someone made this summer stuck in my mind. This chap said three days is the most you should ever stay with other people. I think this is a really good rule of thumb. I'd go for three days and do your own trip for the rest.

If there are interesting things on locally you fancy say you would love their company to go with. Give them a good feeling and your topics are then taken care of if it’s a film course or speech etc. Then it’s a good conversation piece to share , I felt similar and now we share a ukelele group and pop choir!!
A friend tended to push folk away at drop of a hat and now 8 yrs on she is feeling adrift yes it’s true it’s harder to make friends when older. Maybe find the balance. Stave off becoming old & alone

I think many people , as they get older become less interested in new things and can get stuck in the past and also their aches and pains take over. Then there are others who are still very interested in all sorts of topics , are dynamic still and are therefore more interesting to be around despite their illnesses.

I think a small amount of talk about health issues seems to be de rigeur as people age as, lets face it, we are all experiencing our bodies ageing and I think some compassion and real listening is needed for this in friendships.... but not ad nauseam.

I would decline the offer gracefully and say you have always wanted to visit Cape Cod etc and will be spending your holiday money and time that way.

Generally I would be grateful that there are people who care about me but also your response to these 'boring' people lets you know that you need some new input A group of more like minded people? I don't think you are 'spoiled' as much as in need of stimulation.

They could perhaps get up a coach party of like minded people.

I know who I'd be sending!

If they never ask how you are and seemingly don’t pick up on your low mood etc I’d perhaps question how genuine their friendship is for you. Perhaps it’s a case of 2’s company, 3’s a crowd….

When people kindly ask after my health, I usually reply with a quick bit of relevant information (I can't walk as far as I used to...) and then say 'I bore myself if I talk about it.....' and move on!
I think that one of the problems about asking these questions is that the person who is saying they are bored / fed up with certain people can sound a bit snotty "Oh I am so interesting with my interesting friends and hobbies, I'm fed up with ordinary people". I'm sure they don't mean to sound like that - we all have things that bore or interest us, but it can push a button!
I think it's easiest to turn it on yourself and say 'I'm not such good company at the moment....a few days would suit me best....I'm just better on my own for awhile' or something similar.
I hope OP that you can use some of these suggestions to get the time to yourself that you need, but maintain a relationship with old friends.