Increased irritability!

I do think that you are being unreasonable.
I don’t think that you like your ‘kind’ but ‘excruciating monotonous’ friends, and you sound a bit spoilt.
I’d love to live in the sort of retirement village you describe in 15 or so years time.
You’d never be without company and looked after.
Just tell your ‘friend’ the truth and maybe they won’t waste their time asking you again.

Each to their own L. Ravenscroft. You seem rather self important, if your 'friends' are kind to you and love their families - what's not to like? You have an invitation, either accept graciously or take a trip to Martha's Vineyard!! you may be more comfortable with just yourself for company!

Be careful what you wish for - later life can be very lonely.

You are recognising that the problem is your own grumpiness, but they are being kind so don't diss it. Personally, I would far rather visit Martha's Vineyard and Cape Cod than a retirement village but there are worse things; you could live there!

These are 'friends'? Well, if so, you should tell them directly that you no longer want them in your life. I fear you will be the looser but........hey ho.

I’d just book your Cape Cod tour/holiday and thank the retirement village friend but say that’s your holiday entitlement used up for now - you’re otherwise tied up with other things.

Or you could be (kindly) honest, and say that much as you appreciate the invitation, you don’t think it’s really your sort of thing. She might be offended, but I’d have thought she’d get over it - if she’s a proper friend.

eazybee

You are recognising that the problem is your own grumpiness, but they are being kind so don't diss it. Personally, I would far rather visit Martha's Vineyard and Cape Cod than a retirement village but there are worse things; you could live there!

Thank you so much for your kind comment eazybee. I think you have put your finger on the problem. I do recognise my own grumpiness and put it down to burnout which I experienced after a ten year long period of extreme demands on my life which I could not avoid as I was a duty bound and responsible adult trying to hold my family together. That situation has now passed and I just long for peace and recovery. Perhaps the best thing to do would be just to dial down the contact a little and make a little space for myself as these 2 friends never ask after me and how I am feeling. I just want them to say; 'How are you really? What are you doing?' but I can never get a word in edgeways as they always turn the conversation back on themselves.

Why not try suggesting alternative excursions and holidays? Surely you don't have to leave ALL the planning to them. Also, why not pitch in with conversation topics rather than sitting back and saying nowt?

Listen up, you've every right to spend your time as you see fit. Are you just happy in your own company, doing your own thing but liking the occasional bit of company. The trouble is it's hard to get this on your own terms as you have to give a bit in order to maintain the relationships. Could it be you feel you've outgrown these relationships. Could it be they aren't worth working to keep going. Try forcing yourself into these one sided conversations and see what happens, do they listen or wait for a gap in the conversation to move back to talking about themselves.
I always feel I cope well alone but when I get too much alone time, I get bored so I need friends and female ones at that.

I think a “time out” away from it all to give yourself a chance to rest and recover will do you a power of good. I have a relative like your friends who I love dearly but she wears me out.

It's a good start that you can recognise your own grumpiness.
Maybe don't spend much time with those people who you find annoying. Make your own way; go where you want to go.
I'd love to go to Cape Cod etc, rather than the retirement village. I 'm like you, a bit of a loner.
I do, however, have an American pen pal who lives in one and it always sounds marvellous to me. Not that I would want to live in one.
Good wishes.

Hey don’t be harsh on LRavenscroft. Sometimes introverted people need timeout to recharge batteries. Too much chatty company can be tiring and as much as we all need people not everyone likes too much involvement with the concerns of others.

I didn’t think I had been harsh dogsmother. If you read the thread there’s a mixture of opinions, as you might expect.

It's really lovely to have friends .
I doubt that you'd enjoy being alone .

I think that your friends just aren't in tune with you .

I see where you are coming from .

My elder daughter is creative .
It's actually how she earns her living -teaching and running a studio - so really full time .

I've seen her at family occasions - just go off and begin a new project , because frankly people are driving her mad .

I also love art /making things/reading and writing - and very few of my friends feel the same .

I'm grateful for their friendship , but sometimes I find them a bit boring .

No doubt they feel the same way about me .

I'm designing a new garden for one of them .
When asked I often give garden advice -which they all love .

However , just recently one of them has driven me to distraction :

I've had about four years of her illnesses .
She won't go on public transport nor take taxis .
She takes a lateral flow test daily .
Talking about covid is her complete obsession .

We went to the cinema in the early summer and have been out for tea .

Now for about five months she never wants to do anything except talk about illnesses .

I've visited with plants , flowers and chocolates as she's said that she's seriously ill and on the way found her in the high street laughing and joking .

Being a matyr to her family is another obsession - it's endless lists of the things that she has to do for them .

I guess that we aren't on the same wavelength and maybe going out was just to please me .

At times , I find her snappy and irritable .
If I'm honest - poor company .

I know that she doesn't have any other friends .

I think that I'll just rejoin my art groups .

Wishing you luck in finding the right friends .

I think some of you are being a bit harsh on the OP. She has admitted to being "grumpy" and is obviously a personality who does not "suffer fools gladly". There is nothing wrong with being a loner and enjoying your own company. However the danger is that rather than seeing your friends in "small doses" which you can manage you will scare them off all together.

It might be better to explain to her friends that while she appreciated their offer of a two week holiday, it was not going to work for her. Perhaps instead just a long weekend ...

My grandmother got like this when she was older. She had a saying which went "welcome the coming, speed the parting guest". This imposed a strict "two hour" rule for visitors. It applied equally to friends and family. "Come for afternoon tea between two and four" meant exactly that. She had a clock which chimed the hour and when it struck four oclock she would get up and say:-

"Goodness, four oclock. Time for my nap. Thank you for your visit. My granddaughter will fetch your coat/show you out."

That was the cue for me to depart also. Her home, her rules.

My grandmother has a very clear view of the world and her position in it. By her 70s she felt she had contributed her share to the community and was therefore entitled to do as she wished, within the law.

I share the same view which seems to me a very sensible one.

I am very fond of my friends but would never go away with them for a two week holiday! We would drive each other mad! I find a couple of hours with other people is enough. You carry on being yourself.

LRavenscroft

eazybee

You are recognising that the problem is your own grumpiness, but they are being kind so don't diss it. Personally, I would far rather visit Martha's Vineyard and Cape Cod than a retirement village but there are worse things; you could live there!

Thank you so much for your kind comment eazybee. I think you have put your finger on the problem. I do recognise my own grumpiness and put it down to burnout which I experienced after a ten year long period of extreme demands on my life which I could not avoid as I was a duty bound and responsible adult trying to hold my family together. That situation has now passed and I just long for peace and recovery. Perhaps the best thing to do would be just to dial down the contact a little and make a little space for myself as these 2 friends never ask after me and how I am feeling. I just want them to say; 'How are you really? What are you doing?' but I can never get a word in edgeways as they always turn the conversation back on themselves.

Sounds like you've found the solution! Not being dismissive of their kindliness, but just keeping it a bit low key. When you're feeling a bit better, you may find them better company!
I too have experienced 'social burnout' but am through it now, and glad of some company.
The thing about old friends is that you go through the ups and downs together. I see no harm in giving them a sanitised version of what you've just said.

This thread is in AIBU
I thought that it was the correct form to be as honest as possible in reply to threads in this forum.

I think that I have been the harshest critic of OP, and I’m not exactly Craig Revel Horwood.

For the record, you can’t get much more introverted and loner-ish than me!

I just want them to say how are you really?

If you dont feel they are listening to you, or showing any proper regard for you, then they arnt really friends, are they?
Friends are interested in your life, that's what makes them friends!
Dealing with this (possibly new?) understanding of your relationship, is making you grumpy.

I would hold them at arms length, treat them as acquaintances, and not expect too much.
Look elsewhere for friendship.
Marthas Vineyard might be a place to start.

We've had many a thread on here about friends that talk "at you", rather than to you, so you're not alone in feeling fed up with it.

I would not want two solid weeks of anyones company - not even relatives! And a weekend staying with someone - or having them stay with me - was plenty. I began travelling alone in my late 20s when a friend let me down. Eventually I had the courage to travel all over the middle east alone to countries that it is difficult to visit now - Syria, Iran and Afghanistan.

I would not do that now (even if I was mobile enough) as it tales so much organization and nerve.

Don’t make excuses be yourself Martha’s Vineyard looks fabulous. Ask your friends if they would like to join you on a trip there. They will probably decline because it sounds like they are stuck in their own rigid routine. Let them know what a lovely time you have there. Don’t fall out with friends because one day you might need them.

Biglouis your travels sound very interesting.
You don't think you could set up a thread about the places you've visited, do you? I'd have so many questions!

As you say the organisation (to less exotic places) is quite enough fo me nowadays.

LRavenscroft

As I grow older, I find myself getting more and more irritable with the non-important stuff life presents. I always was a bit of an arty loner who enjoys my own projects, life style, and ways of doing things. Now I am retired I am becoming increasingly irritated by 2 friends who just don't stop sweating the small stuff. They are very kind to me and always bother but I find their company excrutiatingly monotonous as all they talk about are themselves, their families and, of late, one, about the amazing retirement village she has moved to. The thought of having to spend 2 weeks riding around in a golf buggy, eating barbecues and playing golf drives me nuts. We have had an invite. I would much rather be visiting Martha's Vineyard or the fishing towns along Cape Cod. I've run out of excuses. Help!

Most people tend to be boring and talk about small uninteresting things. I think friends can get stuck in talking about a narrow set of things. How about introducing new topics and encouraging a bigger and better level of communication? Stop giving excuses and just say you have other plans. But when you are with them talk art or politics or women's rights etc and see if you can't drag them into something more interesting....maybe agree on a charitable task together? Refuse to talk about your health as it you aren't going to inflict it upon them....re-educate them by example