Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

They are doing what they want without giving much thought to your dear husband. my first reaction would be to respond in the same manner,on reflection that would be playing their game and being extremely bad-mannered and unthoughtful. I would text and congratulate them on the forthcoming event and leave the ball in their court . See how they respond and act accordingly.

I agree with Doodledog -
So often on here we hear about how it is the wedding that matters, not the size of the party. I think the OP needs to respect that, and I can see no reason to resent her granddaughter for wanting to have a very small wedding, if that is her preference.

and you really should not be doing anything to make your GD feel guilty or upset about her choice of wedding.
You can feel upset by their choice and as a couple can help each other to get over it, but no need at all to burden anyone else with feelings of guilt. After all, it is their day, not yours.

When DD got married she only had one set of grandparents still living. They lived 300 miles away and would never have travelled that far for fear of burglars while they away! Looking back I realise that the only grandparent at my wedding was DH's grandfather who was 90 and the life and soul of the party. If the couple had all grandparents still living that would be an awful lot of people to add to a small wedding - my idea of a small wedding being about a dozen people.

My sister had a very small wedding with just 2 witnesses at a Registery office. It turned out that mum had gone too but I was hurt because her witnesses were just friends and I, her only sister, was excluded
Weddings are a minefield.
Then at my wedding we had to restrict numbers and one of DHs gt uncles and aunt were very miffed to be left off the list especially as another uncle came! we heard that later from my in-laws

Good luck to you and enjoy the party.

I’m with Paddyann, it very much depends upon your relationship.
As for the text, I think that’s just how things are now, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a phone call from any of my grandchildren, unless it’s a matter of, can you pick me up now.
I think I would be hurt, but as others have said, I’d just wish them well.

I haven’t read all the thread. I totally understand why the grandparents are upset and hurt. I would be hurt too. The only thing I would say is that there could be worse things to be hurt about. Things could be worse, although I realise why it may not feel like that at the moment. Try to focus on the positive, you’ll get to celebrate with your granddaughter at the party.

Under normal circumstances wouldn't her father have given her away and perhaps Tilly95's DH was hoping to be asked.

Their day, their way, but I can understand how he must be very sad to be excluded.

`I imagine they will have thought long and hard about their situation ,costs etc and they will know that they will have disappointed some, and maybe many, relatives. Perhaps a text felt easier than hearing disappointment. It's a wonderful time for a couple but also stressful because of the guest list and the money it all potentially involves. Also lots of younger people don't make calls... they do do it all by text.

They haven't ignored you and have offered to do something nice with you later on. See if your husband can work though his understandable sadness and look forward to the party.

Back in the 1960s a work colleague married someone famous in the art world by going to a registry office in her lunch time with 2 witnesses. She later told us that they both came from large and complex families with some disfunctional relatives so they did it that way to save a lot of hassle.

People are entitled to as small and intimate an affair as they please. However they should not then expect gifts from all the guests they did not invite. I would regard a gift on this occasion as optional or just a small token.

It's a shame it invitation isn't extended to grandparents. I'd just have to assume the bride has a reason for the decision. I don't think the smaller wedding, later party thing is that uncommon these days.

My daughter didn't invite one set of grandparents to her wedding, but they also weren't close enough that they were even told there was a wedding happening, let alone being close enough to be told by text by the bride herself. The other set were invited and attended.

Ginny42

Under normal circumstances wouldn't her father have given her away and perhaps Tilly95's DH was hoping to be asked.

Their day, their way, but I can understand how he must be very sad to be excluded.

Perhaps but that would have been a pretty big assumption on his part . It’s okay to wish they were having a larger affair and more people to the ceremony but I can’t imagine expressing that to the bride and groom Or curtailing my wedding gift to the grands over my own unfulfilled expectations of their special day

I think the very young eg. 19 to 25 age group are very involved with their circle of friends and they are the significant figures in their lives. A lot of weddings are paid for by the couple themselves and so parents are in no position to pressure them into inviting aunts, cousins and Grandparents even.
But later when they are a bit older and wiser and have perhaps shed some of their”circle” as happens - maybe having children already then I find it hard to believe they aren’t aware how much hurt is caused by not inviting Grandparents.
But hey- ho such is modern life?

We have sadly, had 2 close family weddings where the bride's father had died. In both families there were close male relatives who might have stepped in to the role of 'father of the bride'. But neither wanted that.
Both were small weddings (parents, siblings & partners + 1 friend) followed by big parties open to all. One bride chose to enter the ceremony alone, accompanied by a tape of her father singing. The other chose to enter hand-in-hand with her groom.
If anyone took offence, they certainly didn't show it!

I don't blame your husband for feeling hurt. He's entitled to be. I understand his granddaughter wanting a small wedding with the cost of things nowadays but it perhaps would have been a nice gesture to ask your husband (her paternal grandad) to give her away, in light of the fact that her own father is no longer alive to carry out the honours.

I honestly would not worry about this. We all know it is hard to 'draw the line' - but it has to be drawn - unless 'money is no object'! I'd respect their decision and be happy she's found a soulmate.

You ARE invited to the party after, go with a smile & best wishes for their future.
Please don’t ask them to justify a perfectly reasonable decision.

I am so very sorry your granddaughter has made this choice to exclude her grandparents. Of course your husband is hurt! Having lost an adult child myself, I would be devastated to be excluded from his child’s wedding.

That said, it IS her wedding and she most certainly can make choices about it.

If you can, help your husband take the long view and realize it’s perfectly normal and fine to be hurt but not worth the relationship to fall out over this one thing.

Like others have said- express congratulations and then join them later to celebrate. I would certainly have to distract myself on the day so might well treat us to a lovely meal or other outing.

Really don't understand why people keep saying 'It's THEIR wedding'! If it's just about them, have it on their own, then! Like it or not, the whole point of a wedding, to most people, is that it is a community event. Weddings are a minefield and I can understand people just doing it quietly, with witnesses only. But this is not such a wedding. Although it is small, choices have been made. Using text is insensitive, but not unusual and they probably do not realise how much upset they've caused. I would be hurt - but then they have mentioned a party, later, so that could be fun. I would reply (in a very neutral, succinct way) send card and VERY small present! And, yes, spend the money you might have spent to have a lovely weekend away on your own!

A lot of couples do this now. I think it's fine just to have a teeny ceremony. I didn't even go to my own daughter's wedding - they simply went to the register office with a sibling each for witnesses and their own 3 children, followed by a trip to the pub. The party later will be the reception and you can go to that, celebrate and enjoy.

Sounds like a very small wedding probably partly due to costs and no slight was intended at all.
It could be a very small venue and sounds like they are not having a reception afterwards and will have a party to celebrate with wider family and friends at a later date. I think you are being a bit over sensitive as the message was virtually an invitation to the party later

Well surly Grandparents should be included in a small wedding
I think that’s very thoughtless and unkind

I think this is sad. I’d be hurt beyond words

I would be very sad and hurt if, in the OP's circumstances, my husband and I were not invited.

I think other posters have hit the nail on the head when they say that although the couple have made this decision now and it obviously seems right to them, in years to come they may change their minds and be sorry that the grandparents were not included or more pointedly, excluded.

The matter of hearing this news by text is just awful - as if it were not bad enough. Mitigating that decision is difficult but perhaps people in their circle just don't write letters or even ring. It does seem a way out of the young couple's predicament but adds stress to the grandparents.

If I were in the grandparent's shoes, I would try to swallow my pride and be happy for the bride and groom but doubt I would ever feel quite the same about them.

I would be hurt too but you have to just wish them well.

I was hurt about a wedding decision once and at the time I was told ‘it’s their day’. However I read somewhere that you can upset anyone you like as long as you don’t value their continuing friendship/love. Therefore with a wedding I think you have to avoid upsetting people who are important. Why would you want to? I don’t think a wedding is all about the bride and groom, it’s about family and good friends too. When you have lost your grandparents I think you’d give anything to have them at your wedding.
I’d say ‘we would have loved to see you get married but do wish you well.’ I wouldn’t say nothing about your feelings.