Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

Granmarderby10

Iam64 agree absolutely there are no automatic rights to a wedding invitation but I think most Grandparents do have a right to feel hurt at being excluded and informed of as much by text.

Why do they have that right? I'm not saying you're wrong, nobody can help being hurt, but I just wonder why you think it is a "right"?

icanhandthemback

Granmarderby10

Iam64 agree absolutely there are no automatic rights to a wedding invitation but I think most Grandparents do have a right to feel hurt at being excluded and informed of as much by text.

Why do they have that right? I'm not saying you're wrong, nobody can help being hurt, but I just wonder why you think it is a "right"?

It depends on how you define a 'right'. Perhaps they were involved in bringing the granddaughter up or played a large role in her life. Perhaps they come from a generation where grandparents were fewer because of the 1st & 2nd World Wars and were therefore valued as being Elders of the family so their presence was automatic at the ceremony. Perhaps they are not au fait with the modern 'they have their busy lives to lead and therefore have no time for us'. What is a 'right' where families, feelings and future are concerned? Each to his own.

My eldest daughter was married with her sister as bridesmaid. I gave her away and the Bridegroom's mum was the best mam. That's 5 people including the bride and groom. Grandparents aunts and uncles still wished them both well. Nobody huffed about it. It's their day they celebrated the way they wanted to.

When my younger daughter got married, they had their best friends as witnesses and that was that. She was so anxious about telling me their plans but I told her I 100% respected their decision. We have lots of other opportunities to be together and I hope you do too. A chat rather than a text would have been more thoughtful but I hope you can enjoy the future celebration of their marriage

The difference here is that other family members are invited but not the grandparents, who are being excluded from a family wedding. That is one of the reasons why it is hurtful. If grandparents are still around, they should at least be invited to a family wedding. It is polite and respectful and won't cause hurt feelings. Some people really don't care if they hurt others though, sadly. And it's not just the young who do this. Lacking sensitivity is a trend that many are latching on to these days. Very sad.

People (in general) may get offended for anything

We had threads where a neighbour copying the colour of a house door is offensive, for example

was going to post but, has tilly even replied? I've scrolled through the 9 pages and didn't spot another post. did I miss it. are we talking to ourselves or not.

When we got married DH and I wanted a very small wedding because it was more important to us to be married than to have a big do. Added to which his wider family eg. aunts and uncles etc. were in N.Ireland and it would have been very difficult to get them all over to England - and who would you ask and who would you leave out? My parents were extremely upset by not being able to invite most of our side of the family - except my brother and my grandmother. However, we did a tour of aunts and uncles so they had met DH and explained the situation. We had the small wedding we wanted despite all the upset with my parents. DH's parents were fine with it because they themselves had got married very quietly and also DH's sister did the same. I have never regretted not having a big wedding, and I have to say that we both often boggle at couples with several children who have been together for years and say they 'can't afford to get married'!

I absolutely agree with Nannan2. It's a disgrace to send a text to your grandparents, they deserve some respect. Also they should be at the marriage ceremony at the very least. How can the father of her late dad be left out? I hope my grandchildren give me more consideration.

I am sorry. I can understand why you are so hurt. I would be.

However, I have seen how hard it can be for grandparents to have a close relationship with grandchildren if the parent they are related to is no longer alive. Not for want of trying on their part, usually, but sometimes the need of whichever partner is left behind to build a new life. I think some of the tactful suggestions here are wisest. Say you are very happy to hear her news and as you would very much like to be involved at this stage of her live, suggest a way to celebrate with you and your husband. I would find it really hard not to say I was disappointed, but I think doing so by text could really do a lot of damage especially as emotions are always running high. Try to focus on the next stage of her life and building an independent relationship with an independent adult. One day it may all come right.

Tilly95
Do not fret. My nieces (and goddaughter) held her unannounced wedding in their home with just the immediate family - parents, other siblings plus their few children. NO OTHER relatives received a call, no matter how close.
When the ceremony, champagne and pictures were done they notified everyone. The deed was done. There was total elation. The harm here was telling you in advance, thus the hard feelings. (I’m sure others felt the same way)
Do not get swallowed into your husband’s misery over this. It’s still a year away, anything can change.
Don’t harbor any negativity over this for the coming year. Just be happy for them - like I said - things can change
Cheers!
USA Gundy

That is not on they should have invited you i would be gutted i feel for you x

Gransnet and Mumsnet are full of posters who have recieved an annoying/upsetting/rude text or email, and agonizing how to respond. Well the good thing about these means of communication is that they can get "lost" or easily overlooked in the spam folder. This is what I do with unwanted messages. I never got them. People can prove they sent them but not that I read them.

biglouis

Gransnet and Mumsnet are full of posters who have recieved an annoying/upsetting/rude text or email, and agonizing how to respond. Well the good thing about these means of communication is that they can get "lost" or easily overlooked in the spam folder. This is what I do with unwanted messages. I never got them. People can prove they sent them but not that I read them.

How do you get over that they are marked "read" at the sender's end? Doesn't that just show you up to be untruthful to the sender which is worse than a message you don't like.

i would be hurt too. I’d send a text back to say ‘have a lovely time’ and then make sure I was away on holiday on the big day, so that you don’t dwell on it.

I would be hurt too. It's insensitive, frankly. Two more people, and close relatives at that, won't make much difference.

Weddings are a minefield - when my daughter got married she and her fiance had the problem that he had a large extended family whereas ours is a lot smaller. Both sets of parents had remarried which meant that instead of 4 people numbers shot up to 8 just for parents. They also wanted to invite cousins on her side but if they went along with this then cousins plus family on his side rocketed the numbers up by another 30 or so guests. So the decision was made not to invite cousins beyond a certain remit but both could invite friends who they really wanted to share the day with them. Happily all the living grandparents and great grandparents were included but this is one of those situations when it is their day and should be done their way.
Ask for lots of photos, send them your love and look forward to the party.

I would be sending a text wishing them well but not feel obliged to send a gift.

Think this young couple should be congratulated in not falling into the trap of spending enormous amounts of money on their wedding.

Somewhere they have to draw lines as to who to attend, in this case no g.parents. Cannot see what is wrong with that - particularly as they are still talking about a party later on.

How rude NOT to reply to that text!!!! Perhaps the OP wants to have no further relationship with this g.daughter.

Due to my brothers extremely bad behavior my parents were kept apart from his three children for several years whilst they lived with other g.parents. When their eldest g.child got married, I saw the notice in a newspaper and drove them over to sit inthe public gallery as theyw atched their g.daughter walk up that aisle. So worthwhile, as soon as the couple got back from honeymoon, they came to see the g.parents and were able to have an excellent relationship again from then onwards.

My son and his finacee were actually living in my house, when they secretly got married, not telling me or anyone else. Just had two witnesses. Due to a family tragedy a couple of weeks later, they never got round to telling us. It was a year before we all found out - did it matter??? Not at all. Relationships matter som uch more than any particular occasion.

Send a lovely card to this couple on the day, and a nice pressie and look forward to the party.

Stop being selfish - it is THEIR weddding, it is not about you.

It’s very insensitive at best, the least they coukdcfonwas visit, but obviously too busy and I can see how you would be very hurt. There are those with a rhino skins who shrug it off, but most of us would feel side lined. Try to be away or do something lovely on the day, don’t dwell. Maybe before then she will visit you and you would feel better, if not don’t waste time worrying as it won’t alter anything,