Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

When I got married I only had the 2 sets of parents as I didn't want a big wedding. I'm sure I hurt some folk, but it was my wedding day to have the way I wanted it. We had a party for everyone a couple of weeks later. The money we saved on the wedding paid for our deposit on our first home.

Yes i'd be hurt too- and it clearly has not occurred to this thoughtless bride that as her dad has died maybe her grandad might have liked to 'step in' and give her away in honour of his son? And to do it by text just shows how uncaring & thoughtless some young people have become these days.Do this couple not realise how much witnessing the ACTUAL wedding means to grandparents? Even if they dont stay for a reception? It's not enough to invite them to a 'party' later on at some point- marriage isnt about a party-& what if that party never materialises? With rising costs & jobs easily lost these days, or maybe children arriving etc etc who knows if it will ever happen? Why not put the 'party money' into having a (slightly) bigger wedding now, and at least invite their grandparents to witness their actual wedding? These sound like uncaring young folk.If it were me i would see them face to face and tell them it's not good enough.I agree with other poster who said that people seem to use the "its their wedding" phrase as a huge get- out clause for a myriad of excuses these days.?

I wonder why Tilly95 has not responded?

If also the groom's grandparents ánd your granddaughter's óther grandparents aren't invited I would be understanding.
I think. On the day a party for the younger generation, later a nice dinner or other festive moment with the somewhat larger family. Since everybody has two sets of grandparents, the total would be 4 couples. That's 8 persons. Not a small do any longer.

I’d be livid!!

I guess it's the modern way to advise by text but a visit or a personal call would have been far more appropriate for such a big decision. I'm assuming you're close to her.

However, I agree that you should both wish them well and look forward to seeing them both later.

Lizzie44

Hurtful and tactless behaviour. Given that your granddaughter has lost her father I'm amazed the she isn't including her grandfather in her wedding. I wonder who is giving the bride away. Not easy to get over such hurt but I hope you will be able to forgive if not forget.

You are assuming that anybody is giving the Bride away. Many women do not want this antiquated tradition of a man giving them away which is quite Patriarchal. Other women who have been brought up by single mothers, choose the person who has been there for them every step of the way through thick and thin.
As to the text issue, it is merely the way the young communicate. They often don't have landlines, find the signal poor where they are on mobile so text or maybe they like to compose their thoughts rather than be put on the spot where they may get it wrong. To them, writing a letter is so old hat. You can choose the way you communicate best and nobody should criticise you for it just because they communicate in a different way. We no longer send out paper invitations but use a service called Paperless Post. It is far more eco friendly.

I know that organising weddings can be a bit of a minefield, but I do think that this could have been handled better. At the very least they should have spoken to your DH in person in my opinion.

This may cause irreparable damage to the relationship which is very sad.

My husband’s first wife remarried. She invited 3 of her 4 children to the wedding, but didn’t even tell the youngest. He was devastated and only found out by seeing the wedding photos on social media. He has no relationship with her and she wonders why!

Tilly95 - you say your husband feels rejected as his son (granddaughter's father) has now died. It may be precisely because of this that your GDD doesn't want to invite grandparents - it may add to the reminder she will have that her father isn't there. I appreciate this is upsetting for you but many people choose to have nobody they know at their wedding and simply bring in witnesses from anywhere because they don't want the fuss or expense of a wedding that mushrooms because the lines that can be drawn in terms of guests will always cause problems with some people. As others have said, I would respond to the text, say you would dearly love to see your GDD married and therefore hope there will be a video or a live stream that you can share in.

We had a very small wedding with 11 guests, both sets of parents, siblings and my late DHs only niece. We couldn't afford a big wedding, and we actually didn't want one. We had a party later ( just as the OP is invited to). No-one was offended, just very happy for us.
My best friends son went on holiday a few weeks ago to Las Vegas with his fiancé, and they returned as man and wife! Everyone was thrilled for them.

A young friend of mine is doing exactly this. Its a set package called an elopement wedding. the whole wedding party cannot total more than 12 and that includes the Bride and Groom and any children. Given the current economic climate, I think its a good idea. They get the beautiful romantic wedding that they want and they don't spend money they might need for energy and food bills.

Oh how sad for you, to hear via a text IMO is rude, you deserved a phone call. However she probably knew you’d be upset and chose text as avoidance of speaking to you. Having said that, limiting numbers is a minefield and there will always be people hurt. I had a 70th birthday party last year when gatherings were limited to 30 people. I had to leave out an old friend who hasn’t spoken to me since despite trying to explain. I’d be incline to write a note (and not text) accepting her decision, hoping she has a lovely day and look forward to the party at a later date.

Even if they didn't want grandparents there because of numbers, a warm and friendly phone call explaining why and saying that they would be most welcome to a party later on might have been kinder.

A text is just plain rude.

Hurtful and tactless behaviour. Given that your granddaughter has lost her father I'm amazed the she isn't including her grandfather in her wedding. I wonder who is giving the bride away. Not easy to get over such hurt but I hope you will be able to forgive if not forget.

These days too much money is spent on weddings. Often that money could go towards the deposit for a house.
My husband and I were married in a registrar office 1946 the day after he returned from serving in Palestine with just our mothers present.
M.y granddaughter and husband just went with two friends to a registrar office and told no one until afterwards. The money saved went towards buying a house.
My grandsons elaborate wedding was planned by his fiancés family a year in advance and went ahead even though they were splitting up. Divorced soon afterwards. What a waste.

I can understand the hurt...I would be. If there are a lot of grandparents because of marriages splitting up...possible 4 sets...I can understand the reason. You can't ask one set without asking all. They want to keep it small. I am afraid text is the way young people do things....their way.

Me too ?

Rise above it. Keep on good relations with the couple. Send them a card on the day wishing them well and looking forward to celebrating later. Just a thought: couldn't they arrange a zoom of the ceremony for those not able to go?

I think to send a text is rather clinical and chilly. Probably because the older generations are used to more personal invitations - younger people maybe don’t see it like that. I would also find this hurtful however - but perhaps there are other family issues involved. Could you speak to anyone in the family without causing any offence? nothing like having a chat with someone. I agree with others that on the face of it, it seems unkind but thoughtless is more likely. After all your family are direct relatives - not siblings, not aunts or uncles , not cousins but in straight succession. I’m afraid I’m a family historian so sorry about that??

I understand the hurt.

Weddings are a nuisance . Better if the couple had decided on a registry office with friends for witnesses.

The young couple had not understood how hurtful their decision is. Your husband will have thole the hurt to retain the relationship.

I was hurt about a wedding decision once and at the time I was told ‘it’s their day’. However I read somewhere that you can upset anyone you like as long as you don’t value their continuing friendship/love. Therefore with a wedding I think you have to avoid upsetting people who are important. Why would you want to? I don’t think a wedding is all about the bride and groom, it’s about family and good friends too. When you have lost your grandparents I think you’d give anything to have them at your wedding.
I’d say ‘we would have loved to see you get married but do wish you well.’ I wouldn’t say nothing about your feelings.

I would be hurt too but you have to just wish them well.

I would be very sad and hurt if, in the OP's circumstances, my husband and I were not invited.

I think other posters have hit the nail on the head when they say that although the couple have made this decision now and it obviously seems right to them, in years to come they may change their minds and be sorry that the grandparents were not included or more pointedly, excluded.

The matter of hearing this news by text is just awful - as if it were not bad enough. Mitigating that decision is difficult but perhaps people in their circle just don't write letters or even ring. It does seem a way out of the young couple's predicament but adds stress to the grandparents.

If I were in the grandparent's shoes, I would try to swallow my pride and be happy for the bride and groom but doubt I would ever feel quite the same about them.

I think this is sad. I’d be hurt beyond words

Well surly Grandparents should be included in a small wedding
I think that’s very thoughtless and unkind