Grandkids stay exhausting

Thanks again, it’s been good to find out what you all think.
Shelf life your words ring true as that’s how I feel, even though I love my son and GC so dearly.
Problem is my ex daughter in law wants to go on holiday on her own and makes sure my son aged 43 has the children all week , I realise she needs freedom but a week may be too long.
They next intend to come in December although son hasn’t asked yet.
Right now hubby I’ll with chest infection since they left he’s been feeling so poorly. I know how have to get my act together and say I’m not well and can’t cope with all of it. I’m concerned that if I pay for a caravan as they don’t have funds that I will be expected to do so for ever more and we’re on pensions.
I so appreciate you’re comments - I’m still exhausted clearing up, washing etc
Another thing bugging me - grandson aged 14 earns a bit working on a Saturday on a golf course and grandson aged 16 asking him to give him money for food as happened when they were here but I didn’t hear about it until the day they left - think I should keep out of it or tell son cheers

I believe its in THEIR interests the truth comes out and boundaries are drawn. If you carried on then the arrangement collapsed it would be worse for them.

You are both now a lot older.
Your DH has been made ill by it.

Tell DS and DiL together you are now too old to carry on.

Not only that, but " this has sadly made us both so ill/exhausted we even had to consider having no further invitations or stays at all
but however we are able offer you....(spell it out")

(They might agree then try to nibble away at the T's and C's when things do happen - forestall that by saying in the agreement you have to stick to arrangements - and do so)

xxx

Wyllow3
How concise and yet wise your words are so thanks - I really take on board that it is in everyone’s interests for me and hubby to say how we feel, as you said it’s better to do so rather than being exhausted again and it all collapsing and stress before and after the visit.Also you point about T and Cs is interesting and saying what we can and can’t do.
What is happening is that all here I would really like to for example take my granddaughter aged 11 shopping but I’m up to my eyes in keeping the peace with the teenagers and trying to motivate my son to take them out.
One of the things I can do is having them all in the day for dinner etc then they early evening to go back to their caravan - I may be able to see each one individually what a luxury!
Right now we are sitting here - thinking there must be an answer and feeling guilty that I will have to explain about how drained we still feel - but we know you are right and it has to be done. My grandson aged 16 is obese and my son says he gets angry at his mum if he can’t have sugar and cola - last week I went with my son, gs aged 14 gd aged 11 swimming, my grandson 16 didn’t come as he has a self image issue due to his body size. When we got home hubby said he had asked him to come out of his den to make food but he played on games all day - we got back at 5pm and gs 16 was annoyed he hasn’t eaten all day and demanded food - I gave him money to go out for food with he did as he was going off on one when he returned full up he was ok. We’re concerned that soon they will all go drinking and then what…………we’re anxious and whilst we want to see them my illness PMR is flaring up again - thanks for reading it helps so much believe me and hubby too

Pat You are making yourselves ill and have had good advice so will just say you really can’t carry on like this.
I wish you both well.

Thank you - so much support here - glad I joined - an outsiders view is so valuable right now

From what you say the 16 year old is in urgent need of medical support.
His lifestyle is so bad for his future health, and as for demanding money from his younger brother... get out and earn your own!
Your son and daughter-in-law really need to act together on this for all their children's sakes.

What a dreadful experience this visit has been for you and your husband. Things have definitely got to change, your son and daughter-in-law can't just dump their problems on you like this again.

Thanks for your comments V3ra and all that you say is food for thought.
Gs aged 16 I worry about him with the amount of food he puts away, I encourage my son to get help for him and definitely no cola when he’s with me. I also offer help with finding a job - he got a job in a local fish and chip shop but only lasted a few weeks. Not ideal with all that food about. I gave him English grammar lessons all last year and he was online every week and got a brilliant grade - he’s just started college on a music course and loves it, if only he wanted to cut the sugar.

Ours are 16 and 13 and a total delight, I have to say. And they do entertain each other, play games, go out on bikes, etc.

They have been taught and told to pull their weight, help with cooking, clearing up, dishwasher, etc. Hollow legs, but it is a joy as they eat more or less anything and appreciate it.

Sorry, insensitive comment, I had not taken time to read whole thread.

If your ex DIL wants to go away alone at half terms etc., could you son not stay at (what I assume was) the family home with the three boys.

They could then maybe come to see you for a couple of days rather than a whole week.

Thanks Pink Cosmos
A good idea as she was away for 3 of the days anyway and son goes in house quite a lot to help out when she’s at work.
A week was too much I think with me not being well and husband with anxiety.
Have a nice weekend

Can you explain why you are referring to their dad as “helping?” Isn’t he their father? Is he not the one primarily responsible for them when it’s his time to have them? If not, why? They aren’t young children. It would seem the responsibilities boil down to ensured they are fed, clothed and sheltered. Is he not doing that?

Before they come next time, make it very clear that children aged 12 to 16 are old enough to

make their own beds on arrival and during their stay, plus strip them before leaving

help with the washing up, cooking and cleaning

that you serve three meals a day at the times that suits you and their grand-dad

If they want /need more to eat they buy it themselves, paying for it out of their own money and clear up after eating.

That you go to bed at your normal hour and expect them to be quiet from then on until they go to bed.

Make it clear too that however short a fuse your eldest grand-son has, he will not display ill-temper to you.

And your son helps with anything his children "forget" to do.

If your rules are not respected, they will not be invited to stay again, but only for a meal then bye-bye.

Your son and daughter-in-law have quite obviously not been very successful in bringing up their children. This does not mean you need to turn into a door mat.