AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable to feel uncomfortable, but I don’t think that there is necessarily anything dodgy going on. It’s easy for people on discussion boards to advise others to leave partners, but they aren’t the ones who’ll have to deal with the fallout.

Why not tell him how you feel? You have a right to be heard. It might not have crossed his mind that his behaviour is hurting you. Some people are just slow on the uptake when it comes to things like that.

I think this is key:
He did mention it a few weeks ago and asked me how I felt and I told him it didn't feel right and then he just told me a couple of days ago that he was going,

He knew you were uncomfortable with it (unsurprisingly, in my opinion) and went ahead anyway.
I think you need to have a frank and honest talk with him about your future as a couple.
As others have said, love puts the other person's feelings first. Where is he on this?

I hope you can sort something out between you - but at the moment things look a bit askew.

You had already told him that you weren’t happy with him going , then why did he dismiss your feelings and go anyway?
If he really loved you then he would be putting you first and foremost , it’s obvious that he’s not really fully committed to you . Bet his x wife loved the fact that he still chose to accompany her regardless of your feelings. Seems like she’s playing cat & mouse to his fiddle.

Depends whether he is just a friend or a partner. If the latter, it is all a bit 'off' to my way of thinking. Perhaps he wants to go back to her? It is good that he keeps in touch with his family but this just steps over the line a bit.

I agree with those who think the Ex wants him back.
He is flattered . Why did they split?
Has he a history of having other friends

I would tell him how you feel but in a light-hearted way because YANBU

Another perspective... I left my husband after 35 years of marriage. He then took up with a new girlfriend (I've stayed single) yet it took us years to really separate from each other emotionally, which was very unexpected to both of us as our marriage had truly run out of steam. When it came to what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary we spent the day together at a National Trust garden and cafe. His girlfriend knew. Neither he nor I had any desire to be back together but both felt we should be together on that day. At the time I was really surprised that his girlfriend didn't object and I'd have respected her if she had. If I were you I'd put my foot down and talk to him about boundaries.

I would second Mizuma. I had a colleague who instigated a separation from her husband well over twenty years ago, against his wishes, but she never let him go. He made a few half-hearted attempts at new relationships and she scuppered every one; they shared the upbringing of several dogs, as well as the children; he was first callout when mechanical things went wrong; they spent Christmases together and ended up living in two small houses a few hundred yards apart. She simply didn't want to share a house with him but would never divorce him; and finally organised his funeral when he died suddenly.

I am sorry for the OP but this man is not your partner; he is enjoying a relationship with benefits whilst remaining firmly married. You have to confront him with the way he is behaving towards you because it isn't going to improve otherwise.

Wyllow3

Roserose please please do not carry on putting him before time with your friends. Atm he's got you on tap and ex on tap (she hasn't got another bloke).

This is potentially spoiling all you've managed to build up as a widow in terms of friendship networks. He doesn't appear to care enough to respect your wishes that he not spend time with Ex alone. That is what matters. You may be in danger of getting isolated with someone who cannot commit.

Totally agree - this is a 4 year relationship... you need to have a frank discussion with him. Did he tell you why he split with his ex?

I wouldn't be happy - but then I'd avoid making a fuss about it. We don't own our partners - and should trust them too.

I have known two men who have had this sort of relationship. In both cases, when they seriously tried to take a step back, it all turned very nasty with the ex-wife. Both men were very surprised believing that they were truly dealing with a friend.
My husband was married to someone he considered a friend and we let a lot go over our heads for the sake of the children. The difference was that I was included in all social events. They occasionally went together to Parents' Evening or school performances where there were limited tickets but beyond that, it would have felt that boundaries were being very blurred.

I think you’re far too accepting of this situation. Your partner knows you’re not happy and to just go ahead with it anyway shows a complete lack of concern for your feelings.

You say he was separated when you met. Have they since divorced?

The ex must know how you feel and she also is riding roughshod over your feelings. I wouldn’t put up with it for a minute longer. You deserve better as you have been more than reasonable and your partner would find it very difficult to find another woman willing to put up with this level of ‘friendship’ with his ex. I’d advise you to leave this relationship as you are likely to get hurt. Be strong.

I’m assuming that you know the cause of the marriage breakdown. Has he talked about divorcing her. 4 years is an long time to be separated.

There is much to be said for varieties open marriage but it's very difficult to maintain without someone getting hurt.

You and your husband need to talk and agree some ground rules.

Roserose, I should have said your partner and you need to talk.

All is not lost for you: the woman who shares his bed usually occupies the higher status.

It is rather hurtful that your partner has gone ahead knowing you are uncomfortable with the fact. Why can't his ex wife take one of their children with her to replace the friend who can't make it? I would feel very hurt and feel that I was being sidelined, what you do about it, only you can decide.

It seems as though he 'wants the cake and the ha'penny', as my mother used to say.
You must work out which of these you are. Cake or ha'penny. Then decide if you really want to be either.
Personally I would be making more arrangements with my friends. If you were to do this you could then wait to see how your 'partner' responds towards you when you are less available to him.
I think he is taking your good nature for granted.

I don’t agree at all about your saying ‘the woman that shares his bed usually occupies the higher status’ Caleo
They both might be sharing his bed !!! And the other one was there first
That certainly didn’t happen in my case the reverse because I was the stable one always there ready willing and able while he was enjoying the excitement of ‘the other’ of the moment

No you are definitely not being unreasonable. You deserve much more than this. He either has little or no empathy for your feelings or he is quite cruel. Neither bodes well for the future.

If I were you I would cool off with him for a while and see how it goes. I wouldn’t give him too many rules to stick to as this could come over as jealous or needy. Can’t understand why they separated when they still appear to be so “together”. What was the reason?

seems like you regard him as a partner, but maybe for him it is just a FWB situation.
you can do better than this.

BlueBelle, if they are both going to bed with him it's very likely he prefers one of the two ladies. It's unlikely he values them equally as sexual partners. Roserose holds the winning hand.

You may as well ask him outright.

Theres nothing to lose, because it doesn't seem anybody is in a hurry to rock any boats.

I may be wrong but I think he hasn't let go of her and would take her back at a moments notice. And she possibly plays on this, using him when all else fails!
How you decide to go on is up to you, but I feel there's a better man for you!!

Well my opinion is this, simply put it’s me or not.
I would not share my partner, it’s either he’s in or out. Friends are one thing but an emotional tie leading to days or evenings spent alone together with an ex would be beyond my endurance.
Call me old fashioned but I see that as being unfaithful to the current partner.

It does sound as though he’s pushing the boundaries, what would he say if you said you were very unhappy about it and asked him to please not go.

Whatever the circumstances in the marriage that led to the separation this man is still married, even though he and his wife may not live together. He is still firmly embedded in family life and had no business in embarking on a new relationship until marital issues were resolved. His behaviour towards Roserose is selfish and hurtful; whilst he enjoys the best of both worlds she pays the price.