Gransnet forums


AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this

(72 Posts)
Roserose55 Mon 07-Nov-22 19:41:03

I've been with my partner for 4 years. He was separated from his wife when we met and they are still friendly.

They have grown up children and grandkids so often go for family meals and recently went on a full day outing together without the grandkids, they have a family chat group and all post photos, chats etc all of the time. I can't say I'm really happy about this and do sometimes feel like an outsider but would never make an issue of this.

I feel upset now as he's just told me that he and his ex are going to a show alone together as her friend can't go. This means a 2 hour car journey each way and the show. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this?

MissAdventure Mon 07-Nov-22 19:49:47

I wouldn't like ot very much, but then I'm not sure if I'm 'normal' or the jealous type.

Do you live together?

Roserose55 Mon 07-Nov-22 19:53:06

No we don't live together

MissAdventure Mon 07-Nov-22 19:55:54

Perhaps that puts a different spin on things?

I'd ne more put out about it if I lived with someone. (Still wouldn't like it, though!)

NotSpaghetti Mon 07-Nov-22 20:04:43

I wonder why she can't take someone else?

Is she hoping for a reunion?
Is he?

How secure do you feel?

JaneJudge Mon 07-Nov-22 20:05:25

I think all the other stuff sounds fine but them going to a show together alone, 2 hours apart does sound a bit like a date rather than normal family stuff

have you met his family?

Wyllow3 Mon 07-Nov-22 20:09:48

I'd be jealous and think it's natural to be and would want to talk about it to him?

Perhaps you have been so accepting of all the family outings and things that he takes it for granted its OK. Perhaps you do want to be involved deep down a bit more with his children etc? if you love him, it wouldn't be surprising of you did want to have some part of his family life but that doesn't have to include him having 1 2 1 with Ex.

Barmeyoldbat Mon 07-Nov-22 20:23:34

Simple answer to this, you don’t live together, so why not just not be available all the time and go out with others as well. I certainly wouldn’t like it

crazyH Mon 07-Nov-22 20:34:29

I wouldn’t like it at all. Doesn’t the ex-wife have a new partner ? I think you should have a word with him. Not acceptable, in my book.

Roserose55 Mon 07-Nov-22 20:34:44

He bought the tickets for her some time ago for Christmas/birthday as they still buy each other gifts. He did mention it a few weeks ago and asked me how I felt and I told him it didn't feel right and then he just told me a couple of days ago that he was going, i know he could tell i wasn't happy about it but i don't want to make a fuss about it. I know he wouldn't like it if it was the other way round. I have met the family and he has introduced me to his ex. I'm a widow and feel as though I include him more with my family but that's maybe that's just the way I am.
I just can't stop thinking about it but don't want to come across as jealous

BlueBelle Mon 07-Nov-22 20:48:42

Sorry this doesn’t sound healthy at all and no I wouldn’t put up with it you ve already mentioned him going on a full day outing without the grand kids so sorry but I think it’s obvious there’s feelings involved and you’re the fall guy Their past
realationship is a screen for what’s going on now and it’s good to make you the jealous partner
No not for me

Cabbie21 Mon 07-Nov-22 20:49:50

I would not be happy about this.

M0nica Mon 07-Nov-22 20:57:49

It seems to me that whether seprated or not, when push comes to shove his family and wife still come first.

In your situation, I would end the relationship. You are not dependent on him, you live in your own separate house. If you stay around, you will have to get used to playing support actress in this drama.

If you push him too hard he will end the relationship with you anyway.

Redhead56 Mon 07-Nov-22 21:14:56

I think it's a game to her to see how far she can go to push you out. I think he is being rather casual about it and not considering your feelings.
Does he take your relationship serious I wonder. He seems to be easily taken in by her and takes you for granted.
I would back right off and not be so available. He might get the message or not that you want a relationship that's secure not casual.

MissAdventure Mon 07-Nov-22 21:21:25

I do think it can take a while for couples to separate in their heads, where it matters.

They often just go with whatever suits them or is easier for a quiet life.
Fine while they are both fully single, but cant continue once others are involved.

Cheeseplantmad Mon 07-Nov-22 21:33:47

I think he’s taking advantage of your good nature. Ok, so no one likes to have a confrontation, but , while I may go along with all the family stuff , this seems more like a date , so I would have to speak up .
If you don’t get anywhere by speaking up , then in future, I certainly wouldn’t be so available. Make a life for yourself, make new friends, show that you can also enjoy doing things without including him , then maybe , when the boot is on the other foot , he will sit up and realise that he’s been treating you unfairly & thoughtlessly.

Roserose55 Mon 07-Nov-22 21:54:20

Thank you so much for your comments, you've given me lots to think about. I have lots of friends, I realised how important friends are when I lost my husband. I do seem to put him first though and only make plans with my friends when we can't see each other as we both work and sometimes struggle to get days off together. He's more of a loner and only really sees his family. His ex has never had another boyfriend (that I know of) and he's always been open with me that they are both still good friends.
I know he loves me and I love him too but I just feel so upset that he hasn't thought about how I'd feel about this

Namsnanny Mon 07-Nov-22 21:57:16

Does his ex have a partner?

MissAdventure Mon 07-Nov-22 21:58:17

I had a,similar situation with one of my exes.

His ex managed to encroach on us, with him enabling her, in almost all aspects of our relationship.

He did eventually step back from her.

Namsnanny Mon 07-Nov-22 21:58:36

Oh, you've just answered my question Roserose I think

eazybee Mon 07-Nov-22 22:04:18

You are an outsider.
You are being treated unfairly.
You do need to make an issue out of this because it is obvious he is enjoying playing the devoted family man whilst having the freedom to pursue another relationships without commitment to either of you.

V3ra Mon 07-Nov-22 22:05:20

I just feel so upset that he hasn't thought about how I'd feel about this

Sometimes you have to spell things out in words of one syllable 🙄

My gut feeling is that he's taking this outing at face value as just friends.
I'd be more sceptical about his ex-wife's agenda though... as her friend can't go... 🤔

Wyllow3 Mon 07-Nov-22 22:10:28

Roserose please please do not carry on putting him before time with your friends. Atm he's got you on tap and ex on tap (she hasn't got another bloke).

This is potentially spoiling all you've managed to build up as a widow in terms of friendship networks. He doesn't appear to care enough to respect your wishes that he not spend time with Ex alone. That is what matters. You may be in danger of getting isolated with someone who cannot commit.

welbeck Mon 07-Nov-22 23:03:45

agree with MOnica.
this going nowhere. get out now. keep your dignity.
you are deluding yourself. it's not that he didn't consider how it would affect you, you told him, but he went ahead anyway, he didn't care.
sorry to sound harsh, but you did post in AIBU.

Debbi58 Tue 08-Nov-22 00:21:49

I think part of being in love with someone is considering their feelings, if he knew you were not comfortable with him going out with his ex wife for the evening. But he still went , I would be concerned.