DDoD- DD on diet, phone, hobby horse(es)

Calendargirl

‘A mother’s place is in the wrong’ is a quote I often think of.

I'll remember that
DD is coming to stay. Wasabi, anyone?

I was brought up to eat what was put down to me as a child (or go hungry) so Ive never been very keen to cater for other peoples dietary fads. I would have told her to bring her own supplies as the king (formerly Prince Charles) does when he goes to stay somewhere. Apparently he takes a hamper of his organic food from his eatate,

Is she anorexic ? That might explain her irritability.

She sounds very keen on the new fellow, which is why they were constantly in touch.

I can imagine you felt they needn’t be in contact so much, it was her first visit to you for some time and you hoped for more of her individual attention. Perhaps he was a bit miffed she had gone, and made a point of phoning/texting quite a lot.

Yes, rather needless to us older folk, but it seems that is how this generation are. Can’t bear not to know what the other is doing at any one given time.

I feel for you, I bet you had looked forward to her visit and as often happens in life, ‘anticipation is better than realisation’.

I often have to bite my tongue when talking to my own DD, she is the other side of the world, love her dearly but sometimes find her rather sharp tongued and a bit hurtful, then other times can be so thoughtful and I feel so close, but not in reality sadly.

Your DD needs professional help. That is a hard to subject to broach with her when she is 33. However her attitude is indicative of illness. Her
manner towards the food in your cupboards is her way of justifying her diet. Does' nt sound as though she is in any frame of mind to heed anything you say. You must be so worried and I send you hugs and good wishes.

A restrictive diet per se doesn’t make you rude, disrespectful or critical of others, especially when you are their guest, so there are different issues here. She could well have an eating disorder if she is clinically underweight, but that’s for her to sort out, you can’t do much as she is an adult. Ask her to send you acceptable menus or bring her own food next time. keep your food separate and don’t engage in discussion about it. You still have a relationship, maybe not one you’d like, but she’s independent, has a new boyfriend , so presumably she has positive qualities he likes.

Eating disorders?
Mental health problems?

She was just being a stroppy bat, missing her own life, her boyfriend, her own food and just wanted to get back home.

It’s easy to criticise our ACs when they don’t slot back into being our little loved ones, when they are 33 and living away from us.
Maybe she could have been kinder, but she is a grown woman and is used to doing and eating things her own way, we might not like her choices but that’s not our problem any more.

Expecting her to slot back in just for one week is not reasonable, maybe if she had stayed longer you both might have become more tolerant towards each other and have had a better time. A bit of give and take would probably have happened naturally.

Your daughter clearly was well-brought up because she has sent you a thank-you letter!
I would say her poor behaviour whilst she was with you was due to emotional issues of her own, not your food, and away from her old home she has realised this. When she comes again just ask if she has any particular food preferences, once, and leave it at that. Do hope things calm down for her and you can enjoy meeting with her again.

Perhaps he was a bit miffed she had gone, and made a point of phoning/texting quite a lot

Warning bells if so!

OxfordGran, I'd defend her right to eat whatever she likes - but not to criticize your choices. Her rude behaviour is inexcusable.

It seems, though, that you planned to cook/eat together - a mistake. My eldest son stayed here for three months and we only shared a few meals - as we choose entirely different things.

He eats a high protein and veg diet and works out in the gym daily. I like my carbs and snacks, little and often, with long daily walks. We're both very healthy - and lean - but on different paths.

Why do you assume that lean is unhealthy - against all the evidence? Did you really expect her to revert to a childlike state and eat what she was given? She's an adult, after all.

Callistemon21

^Perhaps he was a bit miffed she had gone, and made a point of phoning/texting quite a lot^

Warning bells if so!

She was fine when she arrived, when she had eaten after shopping for herself in Waitrose, I had cooked an organic chicken, roast beef dinner, packed fridge, I do not dictate what she eats, she is by no means anorexic/skeletal/weak/mentally unwell or needs clinical intervention.
She had a new bed in her own suite, said she was sleeping fitfully, looked drained, dark eyed, jejune, with flashes of brilliance.
We had a great deal to get through in four days, needed concentration, not just physical sorting out of papers, photographs, family stuff, banking, lawyers interviews,
reading and signing documents etc. Of course she knew this before she arrived, was a purpose of the visit.
As would the bf, although I cannot be sure of this.

Warning bells, yes, you got it, intuition maybe but not thrilled at the distraction techniques being used to secure her attention.
Love bombing someone above suggested, yes!
also future faking, matching, mirroring.
That her new relationship after a 2 year hiatus is altering a sweet natured, funny, warm hearted woman into a snappy, critical, sleepless, anxious nervy shadow is desperately disheartening.
I can only hope that she is astute enough to recognise the red flags and hear those bells clanging.

When she phoned this morning she was fine, said she was relieved to be in her own bed, in her own home, telling, non?

My close friend’s take on it is “you always hurt the one you love” (now I will be humming The Inkspots lol) and that she was displacing her anxiety safely, feeling overwhelmed with
relentless attention from someone outside the family focus.

This new excitement has to run its course organically I realise.
That they are fundamentally, temperamentally unsuited, based only on what she has divulged, despite her saying that they have much in common, he has overwhelmed her with the power of his personality.
For my part I am pleased that I refrained from pointing this out.
That she was confused, irritated, irritable, I now realise that she was working her way through her emotional maelstrom, the food, eating, as has been mentioned here, was one thing she could control.

Warning bells deafening.

it was me who mentioned love bombing, because its what happened at the beginning of an abusive relationship, tho very covertly for some time, you mention the mirroring and matching. And her "confused, irritated, irritable".

But at that stage no one could have dragged me away. I think your last post is perceptive and what you can best do is make it quietly clear you are always there and love her - but don't make a point of discussing him unless he intimates it.

(I didn't realise you had quite a lot of business to conclude if she was very preoccupied that would increase her lack of concentration and lack of proper response.)

Carry on being you, and the clearest thing is the email she sent, she wants you in her life, dont let her walk over you as regards the food side as everyone said - ask her in advance what she eats, get it in, let her cook what she wants when she wants, concentrate on finding a few activities you both like to do together x

(Sorry, SHE raises her bloke with you as point of discussion) 6 lines down.

I fell out with my own dear mother about diet, she disapproved when I chose to turn vegetarian and we bickered for years, especially about the childrens diets (also all vegetarian) she would have 40 fits now as eldest is Vegan😂 however it sounds like your daughter has anxiety around food which is another thing again. That said the mocking tone rifling through the larder isn't on!

Pp

Why are you looking for issues where there might not be any?
She said thank you, she calls you.... what else do you want?

Your dd visited you, there was a tight and dense agenda to follow - so it wasn't a truly family and relax visit

Even if you know the purpose of the visit, it doesn't mean that going through it may be hard in person

Cut her some slack! Of course she is happy to be in her own home and bed!

I will reread the comments about the bf now -

Op, not pp

Thank you Wyllow, speedy response.
She did alert me to her dietary limitations before hand, I dont cook traditional meals and insist she eats, this is not a child : we are pretty bohemian about meals. We shopped in Waitrose, for fresh veg etc.
I already cooked a chicken, Sunday we made a dinner with beef (I never said she didn’t eat meat) with sweet potatoes and plenty of veg. no yorkshires though. We can cook together although I am relgated to sous chef and dishwasher loader, its harmonious.
I can see that I am describing conflict and peaceability.

We have always been close and easy with each other but this was a monster in my house, yet, once she was home, via the bf house, she seemed fine?
btw her sisters have not met the bf yet, whether that is relevant I don’t know.
What I do know and appreciate is the plethora of views, opinions and often bleak humour on here, causing me to consider angles which I wouldn’t normally.
I take your point about not discussing him. I have asked a couple of Mumesque questions ie ‘is he married/children?
alcoholic/the usual base lines.
He was constantly quoted, I listened but didn’t really have much choice. My lips were bleeding by Monday.

I understand the love bombing/constant attention, letters, flowers, late night phone calls, I fell for all that myself once.
I don’t think she will give it up just yet the physical pull is too strong atm. I am being circumspect here!

Thank you Wyllow

OP

You and your dd have incompatible personalities - therefore you clash constantly

You are two very different people.

How does she dare not interrupt her life to talk to somebody for 25 min in the garden! Why the evening, was it better for your schedule?

Her life just doesn't stop during the visit, especially for one with a lot of to dos in the agenda - not pleasure

Your posts come across with strong dislike for your dd, very little compliments and a lot of complaints

I will read again later but I havent seen any red flags with the bf - seems like it was jealousy on your part her attention was not 100% on the visit

This is why families go to hotels instead of staying together, to minimize friction and have time apart to cool down

Your dd should consider doing that in February, honestly

You also worry too much about her love life - please take a huge step back, she will pick the partner she likes no matter where you stand on that

It's probably the new man, hormones...anything. I have had similar with my DD. I often think she's a troubled soul. Absolutely nothing you have or haven't done. We are all different. Often dietary fads are a way of seeking attention.

eazybee

Your daughter clearly was well-brought up because she has sent you a thank-you letter!
I would say her poor behaviour whilst she was with you was due to emotional issues of her own, not your food, and away from her old home she has realised this. When she comes again just ask if she has any particular food preferences, once, and leave it at that. Do hope things calm down for her and you can enjoy meeting with her again.

Thank you, eazybee for your kind, succinct response.

Hithere

You also worry too much about her love life - please take a huge step back, she will pick the partner she likes no matter where you stand on that

I think its time you stopped now

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Skydancer

It's probably the new man, hormones...anything. I have had similar with my DD. I often think she's a troubled soul. Absolutely nothing you have or haven't done. We are all different. Often dietary fads are a way of seeking attention.

another astute post, thank you, if she was happy I would be delighted - a troubled soul indeed,
also
I recognise fixed points, which she could not, as I have only been here myself for weeks, so unfamiliar house, town, situation.
My daughter is a complex mix of tough and tender, smart and naive, hormonal, definitely!
Yes the new man, the time frame is beyond coincidental.

She put us all through the wringer about 10 years ago, post Uni, stridently vegan, lasted about a year before she succumbed to the bacon butty thank goodness, she looked ill then, as she does now.
Thank you Skydancer, for your kind validation.

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