At a loss

So sorry Annajay 💐💐❤️❤️ Nothing anybody can say to make this better for you but thinking of you xxx

you did everything you could. So very sorry.

My beautiful daughter and her lovely partner struggled with so much in life. We did every last thing we possibly could to support them however hard it was for us. She took her life a month ago. I could not be more heartbroken and I will never regret that we did all we could to help them even though ultimately it wasn't enough.

you are too enmeshed in their family;
it's not healthy.

'The only reason I don't discuss my issues with my DIL with my son, is that I feel I should be woman enough to discuss them with her.
Using my son as a go-between would put us all in a horrible position.'

Yes, I get that but what is he doing to help? You're not married to her, he is.
Wheres he?

I am sorry, but I wonder to what extent your DiL is really ill and how much she is pulling a fast one with vague inspecific ills that mean she cannot do anything she doesn't want to do.

Years ago, I shared a flat with someone who used not feeling well, feeling wobbly, and lots of non-specific ills to dodge out of doing a her fair share of keeping the flat in order. Fortunately I was in the position of being able to find myself accommodation elsewhere.

What you are doing is putting your dil in the middle.

"Being woman enough to talk directly" is a cop out and putting more unnecessary pressure on her, as well as perpetuating an old fashioned custom of "men cannot be bothered "

You gave birth to your son - he is the link to his nuclear family

He picked her, he has to deal with her - not you or your husband

Thank you for all your responses.
The only reason I don't discuss my issues with my DIL with my son, is that I feel I should be woman enough to discuss them with her.
Using my son as a go-between would put us all in a horrible position.
I hope I haven't given the impression that I'm demonising my DIL whilst nominating my son for a sainthood. Far from it. As I said in the original post, they are both chaotic.
My concern is around my DIL and her health, mental and physical.
We are all doing everything we can to support her, and I seriously don't know if she's mentally or physically ill. If so, to stop helping would be unkind. But, on the other hand I don't want to feel resentful. Perhaps the problem is, is that no matter how much, or what you do, she never seems happy.
One of the reasons we have stepped in, is because if my son has to keep taking time off work to look after her, do the school run etc, he will lose his job.
The whole situation is tricky.

I don't see why it should be necessary to lie to your son and daughter in law ClareAB as Grandetante said nothing will improve until you learn to say no and mean it. Decide with your husband the amount of help you feel able to comfortably offer your family then tell them this is what you are prepared to do.
Time for them to stand on their own two feet and for you and your husband to have time to yourselves without stress.

you are treating them like teenagers, so they live up, or rather down to it, expecting you to rescue them.
stop rushing in and rescuing, and maybe they will sort themselves out.
not your circus, not your monkeys.
offer to have the child for a few hours at your house, when it suits you.
and send your son a bill for the money owed for groceries, and what about the laundrette costs etc.

Perhaps just cut back on your worry about their "chaotic and dramatic" -- some just are. Really not your worry at all.

lemsip

you say, 'you certainly don't want to discuss this with your son'

why not?

Yes, I'm confused.

Why not, ClareAB?

lemsip

you say, 'you certainly don't want to discuss this with your son'

why not?

I also wonder "why not"?

Your precious son is forever yours. Discuss gently.

In-laws are my "never discuss anything apart from biscuits with"

Lemsip As you point out the parents think this is something they cannot discuss with son.

This is a response we got time after time when we suggest family members discuss things together.

Excellent point lemsip
This whole post is utter, utter madness.
It needs to stop.

you say, 'you certainly don't want to discuss this with your son'

why not?

I, too, wonder why you are doing so much for them.
They're getting on for middle-aged adults and the more you do for them, the less they will cope for themselves.

One lot of my family moved recently and were very well organised; we offered help but they managed as well as working and organising the children and their activities.

The best thing you could have done, if you wanted to help was offer to look after your DGD as it's not easy trying to organise a move with small children around.
I know, I've done it more than once and DH was working away too.

Why do so many parents do so much for their children?

We are quite willing to help with things like house moves, when AC have done the leg work and just need a bit of help with unpacking or being in one house where mover is at the new house, but beyond that, I would not go.

Organising removal companies and the rest, I leave that to AC's. If they do not do it or make errors that is their problem and I would not allow myself to be part of the solution.As for the monetary side. I have always been particular about insisting any money advanced must be repaid. The odd few things from the shops is neither here nor there, but more than a fiver, I expect an offer to repay, even if I wave it away. If they didn't offer, I would ask for it back.

Parents are an emergency service notpart of the household.

It is not unusual, is it , nowadays, for adult children to expect their parents to subsidise them; think H&M

Any excuse 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like you need a well earned rest. Give them a weeks notice and treat yourselves to a hotel break for a few days. Let them realise what you really do.

You need to stop doing everything and more.
What is your son doing? I know you said he's swamped and stressed but it sounds like your DIL is too?

It sounds like you're picking up the jobs he should be doing/helping with?

I think there’s an old saying: the more you do, the more you may. I think it sums up what’s happening here.
As others say, you need to tell a few white lies so they’re not so dependent on you. It will be better for both of them in the long run.

Not paying for their shopping is so unacceptable. You must give them a bill for all of it.
They have to learn to take responsibility for their lives with you providing bits of peripheral help ..... but the core tasks should be theirs.
Put your foot down with a firm hand!!!

I forgot to say, you have the right to say no to anything anybody asks of you

Why not letting them manage their own lives?
Plenty of couples move while working full time

Please call your son and coordinate anything you want with him. Don't be another mil that makes the dil the bad guy and son is an innocent bystander

The incident with the laundry- did they ask you to take care of it or did you decide to do that?
Calling dil while she is at work and busy is not the right move for sure. Why didn't you call your son?

You could help them to help themselves. By all means look after your grand-daughter at yours but don't do anything else. I realise your DIL might be feeling a bit poorly but plenty of us still have to function when we don't feel 100% ourselves.
If they need to shop then point them in the direction of online shopping, ditto - prescriptions can be delivered - if push comes to shove they can sort their own laundry out or again use a laundry service.
In fact if they/DIL asked you to do XYZ then throw it back by saying I was hoping you would do xyz for us while you were doing whatever it is!!
Or simply go on strike (as it were) don't offer anything - have your lie in and if you get a call asking for help say you are having a lie in and will be available in 3 or 4 hours!! Just don't be so available!! If that's inconvenient then too bad!!