As MerylStreep says I think a few porkies are in order. You cannot carry on like this it will make you ill.
Be firm, say no sometimes and bill them for all the shopping, in the long run I am sure it will work out and perhaps they will realise how lucky they are to have you and not take advantage anymore.
MerylStreep
ClareAB
Been in your place ( but not quite as heavy) so I know how you feel.
I’ll admit, to keep the peace, I told a few porkies when asked once again if we could do something.
Ie, oh no, sorry the cars going into the garage, got a Drs appointment, visiting someone.
It’s not nice, I know, to lie to your family but it worked for us.
Been there done that got the tee shirt.
Now help out up to a point but not all the time.
Once your family have moved in take a step back from them.
Play up your own health probs.
The shopping issue could be resolved by your daughter-in-law using online shopping and having it delivered to her home. She'd get to pay for it herself as well then... 🤔
I do wonder if you perhaps offered far too much help - that's now taken for granted. For instance, why do their washing for them, just because they're moving and there's a lot of it?
I'd tell my son 'Your shopping today cost £x - and I need it back to pay some bills!' Don't let them take advantage - and don't be so easily available to help out. Plan some things to do instead.
ClareAB
Been in your place ( but not quite as heavy) so I know how you feel.
I’ll admit, to keep the peace, I told a few porkies when asked once again if we could do something.
Ie, oh no, sorry the cars going into the garage, got a Drs appointment, visiting someone.
It’s not nice, I know, to lie to your family but it worked for us.
However unwell she is, and however worried your son is, this young couple are taking you for a ride!
Next time she texts you a list, text back: Sorry, love, I am up to my eyes today.
Nothing will improve if you and your husband don't start saying NO.
A horrid situation, but you are being exploited and you have to stop it. As long as you and your husband run round after them they will continue to live in a completely feckless manner. School holidays have started now so she has no excuse for not taking responsibility for the mess they are in.
If you feel guilty, offer to take care of your granddaughter and make sure she is cared for , but stop paying for things, fetching and carrying, doing washing etc. and leave them to sort it out.
It is not unusual, is it , nowadays, for adult children to expect their parents to subsidise them; think H&M.
My DIL (41) is with my son (36) and Granddaugher (5) We have recently spent a couple of weeks helping them to move into their first own home, as they both work full time, one in a job that only allows school holidays off.
Because they are a bit chaotic and dramatic, as well as deaf to any suggestions of things like, packing before hand, getting a skip, sorting out removal van etc, my husband and I ended up being heavily involved with childcare, tip runs, liaising with removal companies, sourcing boxes, doing endless amounts of laundry as they had bin bags full, moving boxes and boxes of stuff they hadn't packed when the moving van came, and paying for a cleaning service to do an end of tenancy clean on their old house.
The straw that broke the camels back for me, was when my dryer broke down, and I had 3 loads of wet washing of theirs as well as ours piling up.
I decided to go to the local laundrette with the wet washing near to their new house, as I also had to let the carpet fitters in to their new house and lock up after them.
My DIL was at a works party literally 5 mins walk down the road from their house (day time). I wrenched my shoulder lifting the laundry, I have spondylitis in my neck and back which can flare, the carpet fitters rang to say they would be ready within half an hour, could I please return and pay them.
I rang my DIL, explained re the carpet fitters, and dodgy shoulder and asked if she could nip home to pay the carpet fitters, a 10-15 min round trip, walking.
She said no, she was at an 'event' and currently sitting at a conference table, and had to go.
Since the move, she has been unwell, exhausted and feeling wobbly. So my husband and I have been getting up at 6.30am in the morning to drive over and take our granddaughter to school, then go shopping, pick up granddaughter etc.
DIL has had multiple tests as she is covered for healthcare through work. I feel torn between compassion and wanting to help and frustration that there are times when I think we're all being played a bit. And then I worry that she is deeply unhappy/depressed/anxious.
For eg. My husband decided to let me sleep yesterday morning as I had a migraine in the night, he turns up to pick up Granddaughter , DIL is up, dresssed, wants to come. After dropping off granddaughter, she asks husband to take her to local doctors surgery to pick up prescription, then when they get there she tells him its a half hour wait in the car for the pharmacy to open. The frustrating thing, is if she had been open about it from the start, e wouldn't have minded, but he felt manipulated,
DIL then asks me to go shopping, messages list, shopping done and delivered, no offer to pay for it.
It all sounds kind of petty, but we are both exhausted as we both have our own health issues.
I certainly don't want to discuss this with my son, he is literally manic with worry and exhaustion, but I have no idea how to handle uncomfortable feeling of being taken for granted alongside the real concern that she is seriously unwell and suffering.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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