The empty nest syndrome?

I felt exactly the same way when my first of 3 children left for college. I was depressed for 4 months. I couldnt understand why I was feeling so bad when I still had a high schooler and middle schooler at home. As time passed it got easier and I made it a point to visit my children at college several times a year and stayed in Air B and B's with my boyfriend and or friends. There were so many things to do off campus and to explore. My children loved hanging out and doing things they didn't do with their friends. My kids have moved back home and left again until they found permanent jobs and homes. This August my youngest son will move on to graduate school and move into the house he bought. I am expecting to be depressed again because I already have rough times and cry a lot. I still work full time and help my elderly parents but my boyfriend, friends, dog, and hobbies get me through life. I look forward to visiting my children and having them come home to visit me but its a huge and difficult change that noone prepared me for. Even though its been 10 years the sadness never disappears, it just hides until something brings it out again. I wish you the best. Debbie

I'm sorry you are finding things difficult Nightrose I would hazard a guess that your daughter leaving home was just a final straw for you. Menopausal symptoms and depression could account for your feelings now. Talk to your Dr or specialist Nurse, there is help out there.

I wonder if it feels different if you have more children who leave one-at-a-time or have a single child (or maybe two who are close in age) who are there one day and (sort of) gone tomorrow?

Just wondering. I had 5 children and the youngest two still needed me when the first left for university.
Obviously I missed them but it didn't stop me functioning.

I haven't looked for academic studies on this. Just a thought.

You do have a bad dose of empty nest nightrose
It sounds awful - like a physical illness
Try not to let it overwhelm you.
It could be an opportunity to develop new interests. A cliche but true.

Our 4 all left and one emigrated. It wasn't sudden because university meant they came home for holidays but now, years later and widowed that I sometimes wonder at how much my life has changed and I am alone.
The DC are all in contact with me and with eachother but they are approaching your stage. The DGC are choosing their subjects, planning their futures. Life goes on.
I hope I can reassure them that it gets better. Daily life once so hectic, slows down a bit and you have time for yourself.

I would not suggest you plan "nice things to do" for when she comes back for visits. I can guarantee she won't want to do them and you will then feel you have missed out!

My daughters are 22 & 20 & have both left home.
One thing I noticed when they were teenagers, was that because of phones/laptops & the internet, all their entertainment was in their bedroom, so no need to come in the lounge & socialise & watch tv.
And no need to ask you for advice, they just used Google or messaged their peers.
I wonder if this 'self-sufficency' means we as parents, have kinda missed out on that final step, which makes the empty nest syndrome worse? just my ponderings...

My mother was very weepy and clingy the day I left Liverpool to go to uni in Manchester. Selfishly she tried to guilt me but it didnt work. She somehow assumed I would return to my home city when my studies were over but I never did. First I did a masters and then a doctorate before getting an academic job in Manchester. My visits to Liverpool after that were fewer and fewer as there was nothing to attract me back. I could not see how it served my interests to return because in those days with 4 major universities Manchester offered so many more employment opportunities. People will go where the job opportunities (rather than the clingy parents) are.

Well done, you have obviously brought up a strong and independent young woman. Your other kids will be missing her,too though they might not say anything. She is in the next phase of her life and life is like that, isn’t it ? It wouldn’t be good to always be stuck in that dependent child phase- really.

Well done for getting the first child on to the launch pad. Time perhaps to devote to the younger ones?

Our children are not, and never should be, our best friends thought we can be there to support and care for them always. If we are lucky and our adult children like us and enjoy spending time with us we are blessed. I was never a grown up child and had to navigate the relationship with my own but it has proved the most worthwhile thing ever. I am sure this will be true for you.

When I waved my daughter off on the train to Plymouth to join the Navy I sobbed so hard I couldn’t see to walk down the steps to get off the platform.
9 years later, after a visit last week, my husband and I agreed that it’s nice having her back but just as nice when she goes away again.
It’ll get better.

Consider it an adventure for the two of you, and make a list of enjoyable activities for when she visits during her breaks<a href="https://https://laptopwise.com/how-do-i-get-the-euro-symbol-on-my-keyboard/">.</a>. As soon as I read your post, I also assumed hormonal or menopausal symptoms, but I am not sure of the exact age. It could be worthwhile to consult your Physician Be careful.

Think of it as being an adventure for both of you and plan lots of lovely things to do when she comes home for her breaks. Also I am not sure what age but as soon as I read your post I immediately thought hormonal /menopausal symptoms Might be worth speaking to your GP Take care .

Nightrose Congratulations on raising a strong young lady who is independent enough to travel abroad and settle into her new life style you have done a good job.
Of course you are going to miss her and she will be missing you,as your other children are growing & can be left with family for a couple of days I'm sure you can manage a few week ends for a quick visit on a budget airline every now and then for a catch up with her.

Went out shopping for a few hours with my eldest yesterday and bought her a bunch of stuff that she needed to tale back with her. On the way home she looked at me and said, "thanks, mum, for buying me all these stuff. I love you", I felt like bowling and begging her not to go back, but I didn't of course. I simply smiled and told her that I love her too. And then she went to her room, stuffed all her new stuff into her suitcase, built 3D shape puzzles with her siblings a bit and then watched Netflix for the remaining of the night. I wanted so bad to sit with her and talk, but I just let her did her thing.

My house is a lot quieter since my kids became teenagers. Each of them has their own room and most of the time they're busy doing their own things in there. Sometimes they don't go out of their room unless I call them. I'm okay with it. Of course they go to school or out and about with friends, but at the end of the day they always come home and I'm happy knowing that they are safe and sound in the house having everything they need.

This is my first time ever not to have all my kids in the house for a long stretch of time and I found it hard not to have one of my kids at home. The empty room and dinner chair makes me very sad. Cognitively, I knew this would happen and that it's something good when kids are learning to be independent by leaving the house. I thought I was prepared for it but I guess I was wrong.

Parenting is hard and I haven't the slightest clue how to parent a young adult. Neither do I know how to deal with the mixed and conflicting emotions inside me to see the change in my daughter or where to draw the line between a caring and overbearing parent.

I am ever so glad to have found this forum. All of my friends are slightly younger than me. They have teenage kids but are still in high school. They still have a good couple years until their kids go to college, so I feel kind of lost and alone at present. I am all ears for any advice, opinion or just to read personal stories from those who have experienced this before.

I left at 17 to University too Gracie. I never went back to live - though obviously visited.

I had a very happy childhood and loved my parents dearly. Where you live/study doesn't mean you don't love, just that you have grown as you should, and are creating a new life elsewhere.

DS left to go to university at 17, DD couldn’t wait to leave also at 17.

I suffered terribly with empty nest probably because I brought my children up on my own for quite a few years before I married again. My DD left for university that stressed me I never stopped worrying about her.
When my DS and DD left home to marry and settle down it just added to it. I think it’s because they were not here at home for me to protect them.
They both have good jobs and are happily married and I have beautiful little GC. But still I worry I admit the first thing I think about when I wake is my family.

Nightrose, look forward instead of back. Having Adult Children is a very wonderful, uplifting experience.

I also devoted several years to being a full-time Mum to my six children (plus foster kids), but did find that teenages were difficult. As each left home for University - there was shsarp sense of loss, but as time went on, and they got their degrees and started their careers, I found a new and wonderful relationship with them.

I loved it when they visited for a few days, always cried on the day they left, but slowly had to accept that I became lower down in impprtance to them as partners and then their own children came along.

So, along with my relationship with them (and with their children), I slowly became a different person to the one that had been Mum to young children. Life changes and I do try to find the enjoyment in each stage.

She is woman now. You have parented her to adulthood and given her wings.
She knows you are there and has actually come back to see you over this week when she could have chosen to stay away.
Try to be happy that she is bold and courageous and using her confidence to follow her dreams.

Try to enjoy your time with your other children now before it is too late. I'd take the opportunity to bond more with them as it sounds like they need some of the love you obviously have.

As an aside, I had a great relationship with my parents but would never have chosen a university close to home as that was a place just for me to grow and discover on my own.

It will be fine, I think you might need some professional help.

I was told once.. Nature has a way of you coping with letting your Children go.. Its called The Menopause.
And we all know that's not always a bed of Rose's. Speak to your GP.
Hope you are OK soon.

Stop feeling guilty.
She sometimes acted up as a teenager and it caused rows between you, this is actually normal tho doesn’t happen in every household.She may feel guilty about the rows too.
Put it behind you now and accept her as an adult.
You’re crying for the little girl she used to be when you were inseparable.Sounds like you’ve always done your best bringing up children alone.

Thank you for all the responses. It helps to vent out and read all of your replies.

I have booked an appointment with a therapist but she won't be available until Jan 3rd. Might as well. My eldest will be leaving on Jan 1st and I'm bracing myself for more heartache.

I have 3 kids and I love them all dearly, but my eldest have always been special to me. There's 5 years gap between her and my second child, so for the first 5 years of her life, she was lavished with all the love and care that she needed. I literally totted her everywhere I went. I took a month maternity leave and went straight back to work with her along (we had a nursery for staff children). So yeah, we were pretty much inseparable.

She's a bright and beautiful girl, but when puberty hit, she started to become rebellious. Nothing really major, just talking back, breaking her curfew, getting some piercings and dying her hair unnatural colour behind my back which I wouldn't have minded if she had told me anyway. I am not a strict parent but I do have a few house rules which she wasn't happy about and tried to break every now and then. She became detached, started spending more and more time in her room, picking fights with her siblings, was mostly sulky, angry or restless and I caught her smoking cigarettes 'a few times which she knew I was against. Neither I not her were on good term with her father, so maybe that exacerbated the problem too. We had frequent rows and by the time she was in senior high, she was soooo ready to leave the house. To be perfectly honest, I was getting weary too of the frequent arguments at home, so when she received the full scholarship abroad and left home, I was more relief than sad until everything hit home a few months later. I guess there is element of guilt here on my part. I regret that we had so many arguments and I wonder if I was doing something wrong which ended up pushing her away. She was accepted in other universities here but she chose to travel overseas which I suspected to get away from home.

She is still here until Jan 1st and her room is of course a total mess again which was something that used to aggravate me a lot when she was still living at home. This time round though, the messiness of her room oddly brings me a little sense of comfort.

I just miss my little girl so much. We were as close as thieves and I don't know what went wrong with us. Was it puberty, my sour relationship with my husband or bad parenting? I wish I can figure it out so I can fix it, if it's not too little too late....

I had something similar when DS2 got married and spent more time visiting his in -laws than us. I felt I had lost him to that other family. I also was crying a lot and not sleeping. My doctor prescribed an antidepressant and it helped a lot.
Our lovely DG lives nearby and will probably go far away for college. I think her parents may struggle with missing her and I think I will, too. I don't let the younger generation know how sad it can make me.

I lived my life through my children and it took many years for me to get over them leaving home. I felt that my daughter was my best friend. You don’t mention her father. Is there a reason for that? ( don’t mean to be nosy).

What CanadianGran says👍🏻
Sounds more hormonal than anything else as you have other children at home and your daughter is happy.