Neighbour refuses to wish anyone HNY

Times like Christmas and New Year are often just too much to endure when memories of the past happier times present themselves. It is common to just hope they pass and you don’t have to acknowledge them. One day you might understand this as grief comes to us in one form or another. Grant the poor woman some slack and understanding.

Thank you to all of you who have sent your good wishes ....

Luckily my DH is still around to (sometimes) annoy me - after 55 years this year.

I made a good friend here in France shortly after we arrived. She died of cancer some 5 years ago and I still miss her although we only knew each other for a few years. Her DH always signs Christmas cards with her name too (and the dog).

Now that we're in our mid 70s we have lost several friends and relations along the way. One thing I've learned is that the bereaved are comforted by fond memories of their loved one. So often people will cross the road in order to avoid the bereaved person because they are embarrassed/ don't want to see any grief/don't know what to say.

Once you've done it once, it's easy enough to say something along the lines of " do you remember the time we went to the beach for an evening barbecue and there was phosphorescence?" Or whatever is appropriate.

Winniewit

Ndn and her DH moved in about 5 years ago.
He was quite ill with respiratory disease which eventually took his life.
We have been good neighbours to them both and I told him that we would be there for his wife..which we are.
3 years have passed since then .
When NY comes around when neighbours or friends and family wish HNYher she just ignores them. At first I thought she hadn't heard me to I repeated it. And once again ... silence
Eventually she admitted that she won't say it because for her there will be no more happy years since she lost her DH.
To me and others..it'd like she hope that because she is alone and ...why should anyone else be happy.
Another she does is sign her Christmas cards and birthday cards from herself and her DH

I think she hasn't come to terms with it all yet.
Grief has no time

It is hard to know how to react when someone has been bereaved. Having lost two babies when I was younger I know people come out with all sorts and sometimes it comes across as crass or hurtful in your grief. I had a largish circle of friends who included me in christmas cards and Happy New year and other celebrations each time they came around. After a while some stopped and let me be, I'm sure for the reasons a lot of posters have said here. However a small circle carried on with it saying Happy New Year, and Merry Christmas and just accepted me saying no and being withdrawn. And guess what, eventually I felt able to respond and say Happy New Year, and celebrate. I am so grateful to those who didn't take offence and didn't give up on me. It was so much easier to get back to living as I did before with that group than the others who stopped. I know we aren't all the same, I'm just saying that for me, I was grateful for the ones who stayed but were gentle and undemanding. You know your neighbour better than any of us and I'm sure will make the right choices for her.

I hate having to respond to either Happy Christmas or HNY so I don’t blame her. But then I’m basically a grouch when it comes to these things and loath platitudes!

Sorry me again
Florentine higlighted importance of crying and letting emotion out, not stuffed behind brave face. This is how true healing works it way out ( stiff British lip ). And Time
Homeopathic remedy Ignatia helps releasing of emotions. Or anything for that matter that brings out tears to cleanse
I know when mum passed I stuffed it all in to represent my job then at night I would literally wail sometimes. Esp with Long Lost Family and mums looking for children. Needless to say that crying stage eventually passed
I just over talk now being on own. Days go by without speaking to a human except at checkouts, and small talk doesn't always cut it!
Then we are human and some days better than others. That's our survival in play I guess 😊

All you can do is Be Kind & try sympathetic to what brought it about
Maybe deep down she is protecting herself as if she opens up to giving out good wishes she is then in emotional sadness again
....I text my wishes which I know are sincere as can do that in automated fashion not emotionally
It's awful hard when grieving and needing to put on a face, exhausting at times. She will heal in her own way

Mawthemerrier well said
Poor woman is maybe rather stuck sounds like and xmas and new yr can be overwhelming when grieving & bottling it
Please don't judge she is getting out of bed!! That's the main

Leave her be. Grief is unique to the individual and takes time and more time.

Norah

TopSec, granto2, MadeInYorkshire

And really? Anyone suffering the death of a love.

Thank you Norah.

@MadeInYorkshire. I truly know what you are going through. The loss of a child, no matter how old, is not the right order. For you the loss is very recent and I know that your heart is breaking. My heart was broken in 2009 and is still in pieces. Whilst I cannot tell you how to cope with your grief, I can say that, although you will never, ever get over the loss of your daughter, you will learn to cope and live with it. Your grief becomes a silent part of you, the part that you will probably hide from others. It will raise its ugly head every now and then, and when it does, let it have its 5 minutes, then give it a kick and put it back in its place. If you don't it will destroy you, and you know that that is not what your daughter and all others who love you, would want. I read an article written by a lady who lost her son and she wrote these words which have stayed with me:

" when he died, I went into a dark, wet, cold tunnel. It was a horrible place and I was cold, unloved, and hurting. It was a sad place. I thought I would stay there forever. After a while though a saw a flicker of light in the distance, and over the months and years, that light got brighter. I could hear laughter and feel the warmth of the sun and I knew I would be okay. Whilst the tunnel became a better place to be, I know I will always be in a tunnel, but that's okay, for now"

I am sure those are not her exact words but I hope they help in some small way. I send you my love.

PS : Try reading the book, or watching the film "the shack". It may help depending on your beliefs.

The widow is playing the victim! Good grief! And no she is not being odd! She is coping with the loss of her DH. And I always say no-one can know what it's like until they are this side. Oh, you can imagine and you know someone who is but you personally still do not know until it happens to you. You cope with it in your own way and others have no right to be judgemental. I don't go around wishing people Happy New Year. The words sound hollow especially with all we've been through and I certainly wouldn't say it to other widows, I just wish them well i actually wonder if the widow here considers her neighbour a friend. .

Why should she have to wish anyone anything, if she does not want to she doesn't have to and how rude to expect anyone to do so.
And what is the issue with addressing cards from both her and her husband if it gives her comfort to do so. How we cope with loss and grief is totally a personal thing, leave the woman alone
If I lost my husband I would neither get over it or come to terms with it. I would miss him for whatever years would be left to me.

My husband died 9 months ago and today would have been his 74th birthday.
I was dreading Christmas but with the support of family and friends we had a lovely time. We shed some tears, naturally but that was expected.
My grief overwhelms me sometimes and other times I'm just getting on with my new normal.
We are all different. If the lady doesn't wish people a happy new year, so what?
Just respect her feelings.

Great attachment Keffie12. Hit the nail on the head for me completely. My husband died on 1st February 2021. This was the 2nd Christmas and New Year for me but seemed much worse than last year.

1Summer, I am with you all the way I lost my husband 3 months ago but I went to my Daughters for Christmas and had to put on a brave face because I also didn’t want to spoil it for my grandchildren. The grief is unbearable. New Year I don’t know how I got through it.

I didn't interpret the OP as being judgemental - maybe more puzzled - and agree with Undines that maybe some responses could be kinder.
Maybe the OP will have a better insight into how painful it is to lose a partner, the various ways in which people grieve and respond to certain events/"celebrations", and potential sources of support for her neighbour from those who have bravely shared their own experiences here.
I also think Rosina's post is helpful - reminding us to remember the whole of our loved ones lives and realising they would want us to be happy. I'm not saying that's easy and it's not meant to sound glib. I have not been widowed, but still struggle at times with the loss if my dad who was only 51 when he died ( I was 21 and my sister 15).
I know my mum was devastated at the loss and felt other couples often didn't know how to respond - some didn't invite her to "couples" events. Other friends were a wonderful support. Some folk don't mention the person who died, but for some bereaved, the chance to talk about their loved one can be helpful.
I have been divorced and have realised that there can be a different grieving associated with that, where it can be hard to make sense of the memories and shared events- it can be as though they've lost the meaning they originally had and you don't know how to process or categorise them.
Whatever painful experiences we've all known, I hope 2023 may bring some healing, peaceful times and moments of happiness.

This is from my brother’s blog

“ I may come across as a curmudgeon, but I am quite a cheery sort most of the time.
I say most of the time as life rarely travels in straight lines and there are times where my mood is low , and I am pretty sure I am not alone in this. With that in mind I decided to write something as there are times when my favoured social media platform, Twitter doesn’t really lend itself to nuance and getting something serious across in 280 characters is a challenge. As a medium Twitter is great for knob gags less so for mental health issues.

The festive season is upon us with all that entails, Christmas being a time of happiness, peace and goodwill where people spend time with family and loved ones and New Year where new opportunities and hope abound. Except for many it’s not like that..

The family aspect of Christmas can be a huge blessing but it can also be a time where the absence of a loved one is felt more acutely than at any other time of year. The same goes for New Year and with the subtext of reflection on the past year it can mean that people focus on the negative experiences which rarely leads to anything good.

I am not trying to harsh anyone’s Christmas buzz, I know people who utterly love this time of year, I salute you and absolutely fill your boots. This is just a reminder that there are many who either don’t really care for the festive period or absolutely hate it. When you appear to be swimming against a tide of perceived jollity it can take its toll on your mood and in some cases your mental health.

All I am asking is that you bear this in mind, don’t “force” anyone to enjoy the festivities, many see this as a time to be survived and would prefer the normality of the other 11 months of the year to be restored. Feelings of loneliness, personal failings and heart stopping grief can be particularly acute, if you want to embrace the spirit of Christmas keep an eye on each other and be aware of and respect the feelings of those around you..

For those who are really struggling there are people out there to talk to, the Samaritans and CALM are fantastic resources that are even more vital at this time of year. On Twitter the very wonderful Sarah Millican will again be championing her #joinin campaign where people who are alone on Christmas Day can chat to each other using that hashtag, it’s a beautiful thing.

I don’t want anyone thinking I’m trying to make people feel guilty or come across as a pious prick, my life experience just means that I don’t particularly enjoy this time of year and just wanted a reminder out there that I am not alone in that

I wish you all as happy and peaceful Christmas as possible”

Three years on and it could be three days for my grief. She needs kind words and understanding.

Its not compulsory to wish a happy new year.The womans still raw, leave her to grieve..im sure once shes grieved as she needs to then she will want to wish folk a happy new year,and more.And come to a time when she sends cards from just herself.(could be she had pre- written the cards before his death? Or she just doesnt feel ready to 'go it alone' yet?) I'm sure just because she's not happy right now she does mean just herself, not that she doesnt wish any one else to be happy.

I think people parroting Happy New Year is pretty pointless really. I hope everybody has a year that is without troubles and sadness but I don't feel the need to wish people HNY, although I do respond, mainly because I don't want to appear churlish. However, I recognise I am a bit of a coward and a hypocrite.

Why is it necessary for this lady to adhere to what you, and possibly others, want? It's a pretty hollow sentiment if it reaches the point of being almost obligatory. She is allowed to feel sad and as you know how she feels it is a bit insensitive to keep expecting her to respond.

Perhaps don't say anything anymore, but just be kind. But I don't think OP is a horrible, inconsiderate person, because I think the widow's behavior is odd. I could understand tearing up (I would be full on crying), and even saying something about doubting that it will be, but I think it's rude not to reply in some way. I like the idea of inviting her over to talk about her husband and their lives together. It does sound a bit like the widow is playing the victim. I had a friend who was a widow, and she signed her Christmas cards Elaine sans Bill. I thought that was sort of sweet, but she kept using it for a couple of years even though she was dating.

i presume that was a man too.
my experience was 15 years ago.
i did wonder what kind of screening they did for volunteers, and what kind of men wanted to be in this trusted role.
i know that's a generalisation, but i've heard similar issues as yours in self-help groups, 12 step groups. re lack of awareness of safeguarding for women and men with dubious motives getting involved to have influence over women.
most charities do much good work, but they still need scrutiny; look at the recent case of taking children on a frozen lake. www.gloucestershirelive.co.uk/news/gloucester-news/rewild-group-kicked-out-after-7986608

welbeck I had a beyond awful experience with Cruse.
The ‘counsellor’ was quite clearly on the pull.
However, this was 25 years ago

Ziplok

I think it’s safe to assume that the poster who started this thread has long left the building.

Probably!

But I'm not quite sure what the reason was for posting about the issue anyway. Because at the end of the post, she herself admits that "grief has no time" and that the poor woman has probably not come to terms with the loss of her DH.

I don't really understand the point of the OP.

i had a bad experience with cruse.
but i know that was, hopefully, a one off, and glad that others have found them useful.
i didn;t get beyond a rude man on the phone who told me :
that he didn't believe i was bereaved;
that he asked the questions not me;
(he also answered them, deciding which ethnic origin and language was mine, on the phone);
that i wasn't entitled to ring them anyway as i was not in the right area.