No help

Mine are the opposite. They take over the house,cooking, playing with children etc until I had to retreat to my room as there was nowhere to sit and d did not want me in the kitchen. Sil usually tidies up and puts bedding away when they go. I was dreading the visit but luckily my son put them up this time so I had a peaceful house.
Your answer might be to book them into an Air b and b next time or tell them the truth.

By not letting them behave like this in the first place.
This is a very familiar post somehow

Sounds very thoughtless. I'm being kind.....
I'd say nothing for the moment.
Before the next visit I'd be saying that you're no longer as able as you were and you'd like to discuss how the upcoming visit would work. That you are really looking forward to their visit but need to take into account your reduced abilities. You could lay this on a bit.
What about they cook alternate evenings..
See to lunches for themselves and the children.
If ok with you, you could see to breakfast for just the children as cereal and toast is easy to do.
Is it possible go keep your own bedroom so you have a place to escape to.
Could you contribute to them staying at a nearby b & b.I
I hope you can all reach a satisfactory solution.

Be honest and tell them how exhausted this has left you and say WE’LL have to think how to play this next year and take turns. You didn’t say how old the children were but what ever. Parenting is exhausting 🤷‍♀️

Devonshire you must demand! Protest! Lay down the law! Ahead of time, possibly when planning another visit. Not sure if it would do any good to address the most recent visit, as they may feel criticized, even if you say so lovingly (to me it sounds like they are immature and so I would expect an immature reaction). In my opinion, it would be better to lead by example than rehash these past wrongs.

Next time, during the planning stage, tell them exactly what the visit will look like, contain, not contain, etc and then, if they accept the terms, have a nice visit and hold them to their word. However maybe do shorter visits first, so that if they fail then they will be leaving very soon anyways and can possibly stay elsewhere for a day. If they are respectful then maybe the length of visits could increase, if you’d like them too.

However, if they do not accept those terms, I would implore you to not schedule a visit at your home. The only options you should present to them are either 1) accept your limits and therefore visit - or - 2) not accept them and have no visits at all. Throughout all of this though, it is extremely important to avoid anger or annoyance, you do want them to visit after all, so make it about everyone’s comfort (that means you too, not just theirs), make it about having a lovely time and how nice it will be, just keep the conversation cheery and especially light. They are predisposed to the status quo, so it will be a somewhat painful process, but the level of pain is entirely up to them! You are in no way unreasonable here.

You may also want to prepare some active defense strategies (sounds relaxing doesn’t it? ) should they say yes to the terms only to do the same. They expect you to or leave you to dress the kids? If they are in bed, knock and tell them the kids are coming in and they need help dressing, and then walk away before they can say yes or no. Make it their problem and their responsibility and then immediately extricate yourself. Don’t let them walk out the door without their kids without a game plan among all of you. Don’t not say anything when they tell you they are going out for the day (without the kids), immediately interject and tell them that you and the kids are coming, or treat it as if a forgone conclusion that they are bringing along the kids, “oh that’s great! When can I expect you and the kids to be back so I know when to be home also as I’ve got some sudden plans?” If they resist, play dumb and stick to your guns. Politely refuse to leave things unsaid or give them the benefit of the doubt, every time you have to speak up! It’s the only way. They aren’t going to willingly give you what they view as their own earned comfort, you will have to take from them what wasn’t theirs in the first place.

I know that this will be very hard for you to do, it would be difficult for anyone. But remember, when you’re in the middle of it and feeling guilty: you are not wrong. You are not the parent of these kids. You aren’t a hired baby sitter. Your home is not a hotel either. Your upset over how you are being treated is justified. This isn’t the parents vacation from parenting. You never agreed to any of what they are expecting you to do. You don’t deserve this treatment. Tough love is not mean or rude, what is rude is treating a grandparent as a non-related stranger who is the 24 hours a day 7 days a week hired help. YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!

It will be so hard, I know. It’s also easier said than done. Still, you deserve respect, you can do this Devonshire

Don't have them to stay again. It's very simple

They do it because you allow it. If you don't want to be treated like a door mat, get up off the floor.

Thank you for your advise. You addressed everything I was feeling, including the guilt. I will certainly put this into practise, enough is enough. It all made sense and I think I was so upset and drained that I couldn't see a solution. X

I would quite simply ask(tell) them the help you need.
'Right, I have cooked lunch. I will let the rest of you do the washing up.
'Now the children are in bed, I would like the toys tidied up'

Do nothing about the personal care of the children. leave the parents to do it, but do not mention it to them. Just do nothing yourself.

Stay in your bed. and let DS and wife sleep on sofa.

When adult children behave as yours do, it is almost always because from childhood, you have run round your children, doing everything for them, right into adulthood and they have never known anything else. So why should they change now?

The only way it can change is if you put your foot down and demand that they help. and like most overgrown children they will probably throw tantrums, and as we all know the best way to treat tantrums is to ignote them. Go for a walk, a ride, a coffee and leave the adult babies to grow up.

Yes, I agree with others that you need to give less of yourself. For instance, after lunch, announce that you are taking the dog out for a walk, and that they can do the washing up. In the mornings, open their door and let the GC wake up their parents to demand breakfast...etc. Please don't be a doormat.

Devonshire I'm sorry to say you have made a rod for your own back. My lot know that Matron aka expects every man and woman to serve themselves here.

Aka Me

When DGD1 was small she was handed over to me on arrival, but otherwise DD and DSiL were helpful with everything else. It meant that when they came to stay they could have a lie in if they wanted to and relax safe in the knowledge that the baby and I were happy together. They certainly never treated the house as a hotel, and I would soon have had something to say if they had. Now she is grown up DGD1 is still special and makes a real effort to stay in touch, something I really appreciate.

mine are estranged and Id do anything to see them, but you probably need to tweak some boundaries with yours.

why on earth do you give up your bed for them and sleep on the sofa!!???
For goodness sake stand up for yourself, your son should be ashamed of himself.

There's no way I'd give up my bed for an adult child and they wouldn't expect it. If they were on the sofa and you were enconsed in your bedroom then I rather suspect the children would go to their parents first when waking up, particularly if your door was closed.

I generally do all the cooking when we have guests which we do at Christmas, I never do the clearing up it's usually a combination of husband and rest of family.

Please stand up for yourself otherwise next time it will be the same.

Gordon Bennet! How on earth did you allow yourself to get into this situation? Why did you never say anything from the start? If my children behaved like that when they came to stay … well they just wouldn’t. It might be that this is how they expect to behave when they visit you because you never say anything. Sorry to sound harsh but I read too many similar stories. You have a tongue in your head so use it. And please don’t feel guilty. Guilty for what?

Oh dear !! - it is a very long time since my children were small and we could never actually stay at my parents small flat. However, there were occasions when we all went to self-catering holidays together. (this was when our two oldest chldren were quite small).

My parents were quite elderly, but appeared to love those times and to take over compeltely, giving hubbie and myself the chance to do things (like having a morning lie-in), that we could never normally do.

Dad always rose early (life time of needing to start work early), and always took Mum a cup of tea in bed. On these occasions, he also took in the two small children, who loved having those times with Nanna in her bed being really spoiled. Usually, by the time hubbie and me got up, they had been fed, washed and dressed. Also, we were encouraged to go out together in the evenings as they were there to baby sit, including bathtimes which all four absolutely loved.

With regards to cooking, they tended to take it on, and I was usually pushed out of the kitchen being told to take the chance of a break.

Dad also used to go out most mornings, very early - to get fresh rolls,bread, etc and took our dog with him for his mornng walk.

So, suppose my parents could have said the same thing about me and hubbie after each of these holidays.

Were we being selfish? - suppose so - but we were really given the impression that lovely Mum & Dad loved these times, even though they would require a good week or two to recover from these holidays.

Please....discuss this with your children - they may well feel that this is what you want and expect.

Please ask them to help.

Devonshire

Whenever my son and his family come to stay at my house, him and his wife do not do anything to help with meals, washing up, tidying up after their children or looking after their children. I was looking forward to a family Christmas but they just dumped my grandchildren on me and either go out by themselves or they spend the day in bed. They went home yesterday and I am exhausted. Not once did they offer to help, not even to dress their children, bedtimes or anything in between. I cooked lots of lovely meals, whilst juggling the grandchildren, trying to play with their presents as their parents aren't playing with them. I try and save them playing too roughly with my dog. I take them out for fresh air all while their parents stay in bed all day. I give up my bed and let my son and wife sleep in there while i sleep downstairs on the sofa. They stay up til late with the tv on loud and i cant sleep. Each time they go home I say to myself that I won't do it again. How can I get them to respect me and my house?

Just save up and go away for Christmas 2023. DH and I have already booked a lovely place in Cornwall for 2023 - we now have a year to save up. I don't care, I am never going to have a Christmas like the last one again Love them all but, as you say @Devonshire I was exhausted and could have slept for a week. Next year will be so different

You are too kind and taken for granted you need a plan of action for next Christmas. You will have to be determined and confident and not soften with your new found approach.

Start by telling them you are cutting their visit short as it sounds like they stay several days. Prepare a list of jobs you will not be doing and jobs you would expect help with. You are not getting any younger and physically are tired and fatigued.

Just see how they react to the new regime well before their expected visit. They might surprise you sometimes a kick up the arxx is all some people need to realise their mistakes.

Devonshire

Thank you for your advise. You addressed everything I was feeling, including the guilt. I will certainly put this into practise, enough is enough. It all made sense and I think I was so upset and drained that I couldn't see a solution. X

Sorry for my late response, and I believe your comment was addressed to me so forgive me if I’m wrong. Just wanted to say I’m very glad it helped you. Wishing you all the best

if you make yourself into a doormat, or have always acted as one, people will naturally walk on it.

Borrow a couple of camp beds and put the parents in the same room as the children - don’t give up your room for them. Better still let them do the hosting and you stay with them - if that’s not an option then you should go away somewhere. Whatever you do, don’t invite them on the same terms as last year !