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Respecting private space

(27 Posts)
Nanagem Wed 11-Jan-23 16:28:22

My husband and I have separate rooms, partly because neither of us sleep well and disturb each other, but also because over the years we have drifted apart.

I know we all have our faults, and I’m sure I have many, but my husband, always been difficult, he’s always needed company, never happy on his own and over the years has become very controlling. I have, until he retired, always loved his company, and I think I just over looked his controlling manner.

Things came to ahead a couple of years ago, and we agreed to separate rooms, separate space so we’re not together 24/7.

I never go in his room or he mine without invitation, then last week, he lost a document. I told him I didn’t have it, I believed the last time I’d seen it was on the desk in the study. Five minutes later I found him going through my bedside cabinet, then my jewellery box. I confronted him, and he insisted he was just looking for the documents! In my bedroom ?. Today I went in my room to find him going through my dressing table, apparently looking for a hair dryer to shrink some wires or something, I told him he was welcome to borrow it, but would it not be polite to ask me ?, I would never just go get something from his room even if I knew where it was.

He’s now adamant I must be keeping secrets, I would love to know what, my life is very boring and he’s with me everyday all day so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Am I being unreasonable?

welbeck Wed 11-Jan-23 16:32:38

do you have to stay with him ?

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 11-Jan-23 16:47:54


Smileless2012 Wed 11-Jan-23 16:50:28

Remind him that since having separate rooms, the understanding has always been that you wont go into one another's without an invitation.


ChrissiB Wed 11-Jan-23 16:52:33

You seem to have grown apart and fell out of love with each other. Its a sad situation to live like that and not enjoy each others company.
The document your husband lost could have been very important to him and he didn't know where it had gone? It sounds like he panicked and looked everywhere including the places it wouldn't be. I have often lost sight of things or absentmindedly put them somewhere and my partner goes out of his way to help me find them again.

Hithere Wed 11-Jan-23 16:58:12

Looks like you have become roommates

How must do you trust your husband?
This goes beyond invading your personal space

AGAA4 Wed 11-Jan-23 16:59:02

Have a lock put on your door if you can't trust him to respect your privacy. This seems like a sad situation in a marriage.

Hithere Wed 11-Jan-23 17:01:09

Much, not must

Hetty58 Wed 11-Jan-23 17:05:27

Why bother staying together?

sodapop Wed 11-Jan-23 17:21:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable Nanagem but it seems like slightly odd behaviour from your husband quite out of the blue. Were you happy with the status quo before these incidents, if so I think you need to talk to him about his concerns. If not then maybe you need to think about moving on from this relationship.

BlueberryPie Wed 11-Jan-23 17:25:29

Is marriage counseling a possibility?

Wyllow3 Wed 11-Jan-23 17:47:41

You say, "but my husband, always been difficult, he’s always needed company, never happy on his own and over the years has become very controlling. I have, until he retired, always loved his company, and I think I just over looked his controlling manner."

this goes beyond having look for documents in your space, does it not? How is he otherwise controlling?

Arlme Wed 11-Jan-23 17:53:52

If this is out of the blue behaviour, have you considered he may be getting dementia?

Blossoming Wed 11-Jan-23 18:06:15

It doesn’t sound like a marriage to me. You need to talk, decide what each of you wants and wether this can be achieved and set some boundaries.

Juliet27 Wed 11-Jan-23 18:07:58

Was your husband perhaps thinking you were keeping secrets before the argument and he was using the excuse of a lost document to search your room?

Zoejory Wed 11-Jan-23 18:10:57

I wouldn't care if my husband was rummaging around in my room.

Perfectly fine

Theexwife Wed 11-Jan-23 18:11:29

If you were closer as a couple it probably wouldn’t be an issue that your husband would look for something in your room, I can understand him thinking that you are hiding something.

It sounds like you are in a house share rather than a married couple.

welbeck Wed 11-Jan-23 18:13:19

you could probably each find a more compatible flat-mate or lodger.
you don't have to waste any more of your life in an unsatisfactory set-up.

GagaJo Wed 11-Jan-23 18:25:40

When my marriage was on the verge of breaking up, my ex started going through my stuff and my diary. He was convinced I must be up to something (affair I think). I wasn't. But his searching was his way of trying to find out. It backfired unfortunately, because it was one of the final straws which led to me leaving him. Being unhappy was one thing, being spied on was another.

PaperMonster Wed 11-Jan-23 19:59:35

This is very disrespectful of him. I absolutely would mind if my partner was rummaging through my stuff. I wouldn’t dream of rummaging through his. But, as others suggested, this behaviour could be indicative of dementia so needs keeping an eye on. And maybe a lock on the door.

kittylester Wed 11-Jan-23 20:19:24

Have you noticed any other strange behaviour? Do you think it could be the start of dementia?

Fleurpepper Wed 11-Jan-23 20:44:50

Yes, what I was thinking about too.

Doodledog Wed 11-Jan-23 21:09:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable to object to someone going through your things. I lose things often (probable ADD) and am always asking my husband to help me find them, but even though he's been asked for help he would still ask before going through my handbag as he knows that is private, simply because it matters to me.

We all have different concepts of what constitutes personal space, and I realise that a lot of people wouldn't mind their husbands going though a bedside cabinet or a jewellery box, but that's not the point. Those places are your space by custom and practice, and IMO he should respect that.

Ali23 Wed 11-Jan-23 21:51:41

I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask him to ask first, and to make it clear where it’s ok for him to poke about. It’s about having reasonable boundaries. Could you set new boundaries in a positive way e.g. setting up a shared space and putting important shared stuff in it together?

By the way, I don't agree with some other posters that this sounds like a house share. You have said that you are together all the rest of the time. I just think he finds it hard to recognise boundaries.

halfpint1 Wed 11-Jan-23 21:55:56

Ask yourself if you had lost something would you rummage through his bedroom? There's your answer. I lived a life like that with my ex