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Washing dishes

(59 Posts)
Sheian62 Fri 03-Feb-23 22:52:07

We are both retired. My husband has no interest in cooking and therefore I plan and cook all our meals. We eat anywhere between 6-7 in the evening. Husband does the dishes following. Infuriatingly he chooses to leave this chore until bedtime, around 11 o’clock. I hate to see the kitchen with unwashed dishes and untidy and don’t think he is being fair. It’s making me feel angry. AIBU. We had an expensive kitchen installed last year and I am upset that he leaves it so long.

crazyH Fri 03-Feb-23 22:55:34

I’m rather surprised you didn’t have a dishwasher installed in your new kitchen. Holds the marriage together ..

Mitzigem Fri 03-Feb-23 22:59:00

No , you’re not being unreasonable, I would hate it too . It would drive me nuts .

Hithere Fri 03-Feb-23 23:00:38


He does the dishes, just not to your schedule preference

greenmossgiel Fri 03-Feb-23 23:01:59

During the evening leave any used cups, glasses etc on the worktops, ignore whatever mess there is, to bed and let him get on with it.

Sheian62 Fri 03-Feb-23 23:04:30

CrazyH we used to have a dishwasher which was hardly ever used. Hubby hates them and says they are a waste of time and water, so we got extra cupboard space with new kitchen instead. He is happy to wash up but it annoys me that it’s 4 hours after we eat. I don’t want to nag him, but it’s really getting on my nerves.

NotSpaghetti Fri 03-Feb-23 23:19:31

I think yes, you are being unreasonable.
Why can't you just look away?
He's doing it happily, why are you so bothered - at least he's not leaving it till the morning grin

sukie Fri 03-Feb-23 23:22:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable Sheian62, it would bother me too but there are really only 3 things can do about it. 1) Wash the dishes yourself 2) Nag him about it which will likely make you both miserable 3) Leave him to it and try hard not to let it ruin your evening. On the bright side, he's willing and able to wash the dishes =)

Norah Fri 03-Feb-23 23:28:42

YABU. His task, his timing.

Why does it matter?

Maggiemaybe Fri 03-Feb-23 23:28:47

Or 4), change your minds about the dishwasher. smile All the dirty pots and pans go straight in, so the mess is gone, as if by magic. They save time, rather than wasting it. And used properly - only set off when they’re full - they use less water and energy than washing up by hand.

NotSpaghetti Fri 03-Feb-23 23:32:16

But Maggie, there's no saying he would need to load the dishwasher till 12pm!

Ziplok Fri 03-Feb-23 23:41:12

I think that you are being a bit unreasonable. Your DH does do the washing up - it’s just that he doesn’t do it as soon as you’d like him to. Why is this such a problem for you? Is it because your kitchen is a kitchen diner and you see the dirty dishes piled up once you’ve finished eating? If this is the case, I can understand why you find it irritating to be looking at dirty pots long after you’ve eaten and you’re now trying to relax in the same room. If that’s the situation, then suggest you tackle the clearing up together so that you can both relax for the rest of the evening in a clutter free space. However, if you are not in the kitchen area once you’ve eaten, but in a room closed off from it, then try to relax and not let the fact that there are dirty pots still waiting to be washed sitting in the kitchen - leave it to your DH to sort (which he does, by the sound of it) — watch the tv, go up for a bath, read in bed, whatever, and leave your DH to it and be happy that he’s content to do the washing up after you’ve spent so much time prepping and cooking. The thing is, If you complain about it too much, he might just take umbrage and leave you to the washing up as well, feeling that his efforts aren’t good enough for you, and then you’ll feel even more aggrieved at having it all to do.

Compromise, but don’t sweat the small stuff!

Maggiemaybe Sat 04-Feb-23 00:02:44


But Maggie, there's no saying he would need to load the dishwasher till 12pm!

Oh yes, I hadn’t thought of that! grin

Kim19 Sat 04-Feb-23 00:48:58

His chore, his choice. I do empathise but it's not all about you.

Smudgie Sat 04-Feb-23 01:22:41

Yes, I think you are being rather unreasonable, sorry! If you are sitting in another room watching tv then why should it bother you? As long as he does it properly and puts it all away I don't see where the problem is. Or is it that you want him to watch a particular tv programme with you.?

Calendargirl Sat 04-Feb-23 07:37:49

Well, I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

For a start, washing stuff up straightaway means it’s so much easier to do, instead of food remnants being glued to crockery and pans.

And to me, getting things like the washing up ‘done’ as soon as meal is over means you can sit down with a clear conscience, knowing the kitchen is tidy.

I would hate it if the doorbell went and a visitor came in, to see a pile of washing up waiting to be done in the sink.

I would ask him why he doesn’t do it earlier, and if no satisfactory answer, would do it myself as soon as meal is over, and hope the message gets through.

(Flouncing about as I did it! )

Baggs Sat 04-Feb-23 07:38:15

The OP's system wouldn't work in our house because our water system is very noisy. I go to bed early as I need to be up early. The noise of taps being turned on and off would wake me up. As it is I leave a flask of hot water for MrB to make his strawberry and elderflower tea late in the evening.

And I do the washing-up pretty much straight after tea. I like washing-up. It's a kind of meditation for me. MrB helps before I start by scraping the plates and wiping up fat deposits with paper towel, all of which goes into the food recycling bin. We have to be ultra careful about keeping our drains fat free.

In your position and in your frame of mind, I'd do the wshing-up when it suited me rather than getting het up about it not being done in my preferred time scale. Is there another job your husband could do in his own time instead of washing-up?

kittylester Sat 04-Feb-23 07:52:38

Buy a dishwasher and fill it as you go along.

M0nica Sat 04-Feb-23 07:53:04

Sheian62. Your DH is misinformed, modern dishwashers use less water than you use over a day washing - and less electricity.
here is a link

I have a full size dishwasher and use it every 2 days.

LRavenscroft Sat 04-Feb-23 07:55:24

For forty years I have had this situation with my husband. I go to bed at 10 he at 12. The kitchen is left as it stands after dinner and he likes to stack the dish washer and wash up any extra dishes himself. This situation can be used to your advantage. i.e. that all dishes are dried and put away, advantage clear kitchen in the morning. If family/friends visit for lunch he is responsible for dishes etc. Should you really be narked by situation just go into kitchen while he is in sitting room and start clanking pots and pans together so as to irritate him in his routine and he will hopefully jump up and tell you to leave it all alone as it is in hand. You do need an iron will though.

nanna8 Sat 04-Feb-23 07:58:14

We have one of those 2 drawer dishwashers and use it every day. We still wash certain pans and frypans by hand - mainly because they take up too much room in the dishwasher. I don’t put the glass thermal coffee cups in because someone told me not to. I wouldn’t care what time my husband did the dishes- just go and watch tv in another room like I do !

lixy Sat 04-Feb-23 08:01:29

Like you I feel uncomfortable with washing up waiting to be done. I tend to wash the cooking pots and pans as I go along so there are just the serving dishes and plates to wash at the end of a meal.
I would prefer those to be washed asap but that is OH's job so is done to his timetable - I'm lucky that he does do it straight away most of the time.
As Ziplock says it's not worth sweating the small stuff.

downtoearth Sat 04-Feb-23 08:02:20

Could you wash up as you work,clean as you go,I have a small kitchen,tiny amount of worktop space,until I got a dishwasher,for that reason,is the only way I could manage.

Witzend Sat 04-Feb-23 08:02:28

My dh doesn’t cook, but clears up the kitchen, loads the dishwasher - he mostly does it shortly before bed, while watching the 10 o’clock news. It bothers me not at all - I much prefer cooking to clearing up.
I’m another who wonders why you didn’t put a dishwasher in your new kitchen!

BlueBelle Sat 04-Feb-23 08:03:42

Yes you’re being unreasonable, for heavens sake the man washes up, who cares if the kitchen has an unwashed sink in it for two or three hours in the evening when you’re both relaxing
Relax yourself be happy you have a husband to wash up and be happy you have a husband who will wash up
I bet many divorced and widowed ladies would love to have their man to wash the pots up whatever time