Role of Godchildren

The sudden conversion of parents of 8/9/10 year olds to religion is very popular around here chocolate.

I agree with others here who say that it's a bit insensitive of your friend to talk about this whilst you are so recently bereaved. Please accept my condolences.
I've never heard of godchildren caring for godparents, and my children have great, interested godparents. Mine were baptised because we planned to bring them to church, which we did. Interestingly, I have heard of vocal atheists baptising their children because of schools...
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Your daughter's godmother certainly has very odd expectations of the role any young people these days play in the lives of their elders!

I am very sorry that this discussion with her has cropped up just when you and your daughter are grieving for your husband and father. Like everyone else I am sorry for your loss.

I am 71 and to me the days of elders expecting to be looked after in their old age by their children, nieces, nephews or god-children were over and done with when my grandparents were of retirement age.

This might be a way of broaching the subject to your friend, if you feel up to doing so. I doubt though that you will influence her in any way, so I would save myself the trouble, if I were you.

What I would do, is mention the subject to your daughter - making it very clear how unreasonable her godmother is being in this matter.

I realise that your daughter, like you, is coping with a lot of emotional issues right now, but if there is the slightest risk of her godmother coming out with the spiel she has given you to your daughter, you would do well to warn her.

The risk of your poor daughter being taken unawares and therefore promising something that she neither could nor should be expected to take on would worry me.

Discuss this with her, so she is forewarned.

If the matter is brought up again both you and she need to stand firm and tell the godmother that neither of you can or are able to care for her. If you feel you can manage to do so, you could offer to put her in touch with those who can. Just don't be led into making definite arrangements on her behalf.

If you do so, and they do not suit this woman (which however good they are is almost certain to be the case) she will make it very plain that this is your fault!

If she had had a child maybe she would be a nicer person.
She sounds like a bitter old bat,i would not have anything to do with someone like that.
I only found out a few years ago my Aunt was my Godmother.
And my children have no Godparents due to them not being christened.
It`s outdated imo.

I think its rather sad, your friend is frightened of her future while you are grieving. Take care of yourself

The flipside to this is that she does not owe & is not duty-bound to leave her godchildren anything material or otherwise. Even a simple farewell letter to all in her will would be enough. Meanwhile she can spend all her wealth on the care & appropriate social life that she needs

It sounds to me as if your friend is hoping you will speak to your daughter and urge her to do more. You won't of course because you understand the parent role and how much your DD is coping with just now. If you could just put the whole thing out of your mind it might be best. Perhaps drop into your talks sometime info about your children and how you don't expect them to care for you. Although she probably won't take the hint.
She couldn't be joking could she? My dad used to threaten sometimes to cut us out of his will. We knew it was a joke and he'd left everything to my mum.

Thank you mumofmadboys and callistemon 🙂

I wonder what kind of person is this friend? She didn't have children to spite her MIL ! As for being cared for by godchildren, do you think she maybe said these things to you hoping you would mention to your daughter who would then rush round to care for her?
In any event you are grieving a great loss (me too) and I wouldn't have expected to have to listen to what is basically a criticism of my own child.

1summer

My very good friend of over 40 years is now suffering from bad health and becoming increasingly housebound. Her and her husband never had children - she always said it was to spite her MIL who constantly asked. Both her and her husband came from large families and she has numerous nieces and nephews but also she has 12 godchildren,!! Including my own daughter.
She was recently saying to me how disappointed she is in her godchildren how they rarely visit or contact her and how she expected these people to look after her now she is getting old.
Most of them have families, elderly parents, stressful jobs and lives. She said to me that she is going to tell them they will be taken out of her will unless they step up to the mark!
I was horrified and will feel very upset if she says anything to my daughter. My daughter is absolutely not expecting anything from her in her will, she has always thanked her for any gifts she gave her and is often invited to family events and celebrations. But my daughter nor myself have ever thought about a caring role.
I will fall out with her if she says anything to my daughter who is at the moment grieving for her Dad (my husband) who died recently aswell as coping with a new job and a 3 year old.
I really don’t know what to say to her.

I regret being pressured into having my 2DS baptised in Catholic church as neither of us were or are religious in a churchy way! My ds has 3 darlings and none have been christened even, so what? I think it's a form of insurance policy just in case there IS something after life but the thought that unless you've paid your dues (names not on the list!) That you can't come in!! It's nonsense as far as I'm concerned, your friend has a somewhat old fashioned idea of what children are, they're not produced purely to wet nurse the old when they're at the tail end of life!! She sounds bit selfish and maybe it's a good job she had no kids, wouldn't like to think how she'd have brought them up! No guilt or duty for god children, I think they're there in case parents taken, then someone trusted can look after children, but sadly child services take over and sometimes even grand parents are not allowed to bring up their own!! I'd be telling her to can it! Nobody likes a bitter old moaner!

mumofmadboys

Godparents made the promises ,not the other way round. Of course it is lovely if godchildren are kind and caring towards their godparents as they age but there should be no obligation. I hope your friend says nothing to your DD.

Spot on, MOMB! If anything, god parents promise to look after the child, not the other way round! The focus is on the child. You’ve honoured your friend by asking her to take the role of god parent, OP, but you have no obligation to her, and nor does your daughter.

You’re obviously going through a difficult time in your life, having lost your husband. I hope you have the support you need.

❤️

What an intriguing philosophical question. I’m a very spiritual but not overly religious person myself, although I was raised in Christian beliefs. Godmother to two beautiful now women myself. It was an honor to be asked.

I’ve read every single response and have to say I agree with every one of them! The nature of this question has been answered here. Take away what you want.

The whole question of “religion” has morphed over my lifetime. Being a godparents or godchild now does not mean the same thing as 50 yrs ago. Perhaps only to fewer people now.

I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry for your friend’s illness too which, I believe, is making her scared to die “alone.”

Not sure how many godparents do that. When my children were born we didn’t have them christened because we were not believers ( and didn’t want to ‘use’ the church as an excuse for a party). We had a register office wedding for the same reason.
We were surprised how many did though, despite many or most having no faith and who never went to church apart from weddings and funerals.
Aveline you didn’t fail, your goddaughter has faith, just a different one.

I am ‘godmother’ to two now grown up children, I’m not religious but was great friends with their mother who wanted me in her children’s lives in case anything happen to her. Sadly she died aged 45. I love both my god children, and we stay in contact and meet at family occasions, have dinner occasionally, etc.

BUT I would never consider expecting either of them to care for me. Not the ‘role’ of god children in my view.

Hopefully your friend was just being dramatic or, as one or two people have speculated, perhaps she isn’t well herself. Very upsetting for you, sending HUGE hugs and virtual flowers to you.

🌷🌷🌷

I looked it up
The role of God Parents ..
Godparents are among the most important people at a christening, who make big promises to encourage their godchild to grow in faith and commit to helping them understand how to live their life in a Christian way.

Godparents - a thing of the past? I never had them as far as I know and many people nowadays probably don't.

I think the problem is when these people are unable to look after themselves and will need some kind of care or intervention. If they lose their marbles then who will take responsibility for them? Definitely not the Godchildren, so it will have to be the nephews and nieces. But as there are so many of them who should it be? I think this is the core of the problem. There are too many of them so none of them will feel obliged to step up and take responsibility.

Maybe your friend should let them know she will leave all her money to the one who looks after her! Then they will soon be knocking at her door.

Hello janeainsworth 👋👋👋
🙂

Hi JaneA. Good to see you posting again x

I don't think you should think you have failed at all Aveline. I don't know whether your goddaughter is a practising Muslim but at least she appreciates the spiritual side of things. Your prayers for her will never be wasted. She is keeping in contact which is great. Only God knows her heart.

My godparents had no children of their own. They always took an interest in me and I kept in touch and visited them when I could.
Not out of a sense of duty, but because they were lovely people and I enjoyed their company.
I’m afraid your friend doesn’t sound like the sort of person I’d want to have anything to do with.

In her mind she probably thinks of them as grandchildren as she hasn’t had any. I’d say to her kindly, that even grandchildren rarely look after or visit grandparents, when they are grown, it’s just how it is these days. A fact of life, you see it on here all the time. Let alone care for them. Also that she should spend her money on care or if she is wealthy enough, fund a nice posh care home which are like hotels now… it would be a shame to fall out now she is unwell and may have dementia. Also I’d say to her if she feels that way, to leave more to charity and less or none to godchildren, in a nice way. Be kind with your words is the best way, while suggesting she have a re think of what to do.

razzmatazz

Well, to not have children to spite her mother in law says it all.

She sounds very selfish.

People used to say all kinds of things if they were unable to have children - I doubt that reason is actually true

I'm a failed Godmother. My only Goddaughter has converted to Islam. She's a nice girl and does stay in occasional touch and I have left her a little something in my will but do consider myself as having failed! Its the old story. She met a man...

she is being silly. Hopefully she wont say anything anyway and was just venting (for want of a better word)