Role of Godchildren

Maybe I've got this wrong but I thought the role of godparents was to oversee the proper Christian upbringing of children, meaning in practice from what I've been able to see that they are extra aunts and uncles who give presents at birthdays and Christmas. I wasn't aware that the responsibilities extended into adulthood.

I never had godparents myself as I was baptised as a baby into a dissenting (Methodist) tradition so I really only know about them from young Anglican friends in my childhood. I certainly didn't think there were any reciprocal, non-spiritual responsibilities for the godchild.

Thanks Aldom, I must say that I was shocked at such an insensitive comment.

Callistemon21

^I have to say that by not having children, she sort of shot herself in the foot in that area^

😲
That is a truly offensive comment, happycatholicwife1

There are many people who cannot have children even if they want them and they may brush off other people's insensitive comments with excuses such as the OP's friend used as a form of defence.

Well said Callistermon. Such an uncharitable remark from a Christian woman. happycatholicwifeshould apologise to all childless women.

Chestnut

Some very harsh comments here. Everyone needs someone to bat for them if they are unable to make decisions due to mental decline. Either a child, nephew or niece needs to step up or the person will either die alone and neglected or will be taken over by social services, in which case no-one will be around to keep an eye on them.

I know an unmarried male aged 73 who has two estranged nieces. They won't help him, although they know he's completely alone in the world.

We (neighbours) are currently trying to find the estranged only son of an 85 year old woman with severe dementia who lives alone and needs to go into care. She has completely lost her marbles, so someone needs to make decisions for her.

In cases like these contacting an estranged relative will not enable them to help. This is why we need to arrange a lasting power of attorney so that someone you trust can manage your affairs if you no-longer have the capacity to do it for yourself.
The named person(s) would have to agree to this in advance! If someone already has dementia it is too late!

I have to say that by not having children, she sort of shot herself in the foot in that area

😲
That is a truly offensive comment, happycatholicwife1

There are many people who cannot have children even if they want them and they may brush off other people's insensitive comments with excuses such as the OP's friend used as a form of defence.

I disagree with some of the comments about children. They have a Christian responsibility to help look after their parents as much as they are reasonably able. However, God-children, unless they are very close to the godparents, wouldn't necessarily have any moral responsibility. It would be nice and proper, certainly, if they returned some of the caring attention of a close godparent. There are lots of ways to demonstrate care, though: you can fix a meal and deliver it, or mail a small gift card for a meal. Someone could hire a neighborhood boy to do a bit of work in the garden, etc. I have to say that by not having children, she sort of shot herself in the foot in that area, but she probably knows that. It is getting ready to be Lent. This morning's homily was about forgiving, not forgetting, not involving yourself closely in a relationship with someone who is repeatedly difficult, but by Christ-like loving. I probably would have a talk with the woman and gently try to make her see what might be amiss in her thinking. I might even suggest to people whom you feel comfortable talking to that she is looking for a bit of Christian help.

You’ve known your friend for 40; years, so you know what kind if person she is, now she’s in bad health, she’s explained how she feels about things, she sounds a kind person. Perhaps she wanted children and couldn't have them, sometimes people are so insensitive asking people without family why they haven’t got them, it must be upsetting and a flippant comment just takes the pressure off. I have had friends fir 50 years know their views on most things, I

I'm glad you cleared up the misunderstanding.
She does need to realise, though, that no-one is expecting anything at all from her will, they must spend their money ensuring a comfortable old age and may need to pay for care at some point, although, of course, not everyone does.

Glad it’s all sorted out Isummer. I thought something like that might be the case.

I can see how being in bad health and worry about the future could lead to her thinking along those lines due to fear.

But please be careful, something feels a little off in her response to you Friday after you expressed your hurt to her.

So pleased you've spoken to her about this 1summer and have cleared the air.

Well thank you all for all your advise and comments. I had an interesting conversation with my friend on Friday. After about an hour of having a nice chat, I said could we just go back to what she said about godchildren as I wanted to say I was very hurt about the conversation. I think she genuinely didn’t know what I was talking about, I reminded her of what she said and she was shocked and upset about her comments and maybe she was trying to make a silly joke but realises it wasn’t funny.
She was very apologetic about this and said the only thing she could think of is that some new medication she is on for her heart has made her very spaced out and unable to sleep and she has days when she feels unable to cope. But she has a hospital review this week.
She said she wouldn’t want to hurt me for the world also my daughter.
She also said her will is very complicated having no children and very few of her godchildren are included anyway. Also she expects not much money to be left as her and husband have been thinking of moving into a luxury sheltered housing estate. We ended the conversation on good terms as I wouldn’t want to lose her as a friend as she has been very good to me during husbands illness and death and generally is a kind and generous person.

Somw examples cannot be called assertive at all
Entitled, irrational, selfish, old fashioned

biglouis

Every time an older person on Mumsnet or Gransnet gets a bit assertive someone suggests it could be the "start of dementia".

Yes, dismissive, isn't it!

She doesn't sound as if she's getting dementia.
But she does sound rather selfish and demanding.

Her expectations of what being a Godmother means are unrealistic.
What kind of Godmother was she anyway?

I think she is probably very frightened of dying alone and testing out as to whether there is a possibility that a godchild might help her.
However I don't think that excuses her lack of empathy for your or your DD's grief and mourning...
sending much sympathy and well wishes at this terrible time

Every time an older person on Mumsnet or Gransnet gets a bit assertive someone suggests it could be the "start of dementia".

Sadly, she sounds like a dreadful and bitter woman ! I’d “warn” your daughter just in case

As you said Isummer that her words were atypical of her I would imagine they were spoken in a stressful moment - the recent loss of her relative for whom she cared; she was perhaps having a moment ( or two) of self-pity. I agree with all the posts that the promises are made by the godparents and that godchildren have zero duty to them.
As in most relationships some adults respond generously to kindness and others not so much; such is life.
My own experience with our adult children's godparents is that where the godparent was present in their life the adult godchild has a relationship and on occasion visits the godparent bringing token gifts of flowers/ wine; where the godparent didn't bother there is no relationship and hence no visits/gifts.
Dh & I have been conscientious and generous godparents to our niece ( now in her 40s) who has never acknowledged us in any way. We both found this hurtful as we both love her.
Both of us would be abhorred to presume anyone in the family including our own adult children would be our carers as we age and have made provision for care if it's needed.
At the same time we are blessed that our adult children are caring, generous individuals who are more than happy to help out where & whenever their busy lives allow.
I think isummer you said your daughter was fond of your friend as a godmother so there appears to be good-will there. I wouldn't spoil that by mentioning to your daughter something that you probably know was said in haste/heat.
Your friend was feeling particularly lonely and as another poster suggested was just venting.
I too am sure her comments as to her childless state were bravado.
Women often feel shame & obliged to explain why they have no children.
Shame on those who make them feel that way.

Thank you silverlining48

So very sorry for the loss of your husband Isummer 🌹

Hope you have a lovely day Aveline.

Coincidentally, my god daughter texted yesterday. She's up from London and wants to bring her new baby to meet me. Am looking forward to seeing them next week. I can't have failed completely.

Gosh, I have 19 Godchildren and not a single expectation of any of them! (Though many of them are very kind and have continued to keep in regular touch long after my role could be said to have run its course.)

I do hope you are able to find a way of maintaining your long held friendship.

As a God parent you are supposed to guide & help your God child on the right path in life , no they are not their to be your carers at all ... you are privileged when asked to be a God parent , also I was under the impression if anything happened to the parents, you would look after them, but obviously , no doubt wouldn't go to the God parents , as no doubt relatives would do this ... personally ignore her ... or out of curiosity Google role of God parents

A godchild is not a grandchild.