How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

I agree. We have a family WhatsApp and I feel I talk to my brother who is some distance away in a more relaxed way than a phone call. I wouldnt ring him just to tell him I had had battenberg cheesecake but I sent him a photo of it on WhatsApp. Its means you are more involved in their daily lives than a phone call.

My AC do text or video calls, never phone calls

And it's never "hello, how are you? How is the weather?" It's more "Did you see this film on Netflix? It's based on a book, definitely want to read that" and then one will say "Gift idea unlocked". Or sometimes we watch films together even though we are a distance apart.

There are so many ways to have relationships now and too me it feels more personal than birthday cards and the odd phone call when one or the other hasnt much to say

Teenagers are strange beasts. My youngest, now 16, doesn't event text! All communication happens via social media. I don't think it is rude, I think it is normal for them. So yes, our method of communication is always evolving. I think that is a good thing because waiting for letters takes quite a while.

I will also say that my teens always want cash for gifts. Family does get exasperated with that request as it seems so impersonal. I have explained that physical gifts will be unappreciated (though never rudely accepted and never given back to the giver) if someone asks what my kids would like, and getting cash is what they want. I also tell them that if they prefer not to give cash, a card is nice.

Returning a gift just seems so rude to me, I wonder what is behind it?

I wouldn’t put up with rudeness and their parents shouldn’t let them be rude. We have a 13 year old grandson and stopped buying him presents about 4 years ago when I found out my DIL was returning them. I now always ask him every Xmas and birthday if he would like money or a present and he always asks for money which suits me fine. I transfer said amount into his GoHenry account and I give him pocket money each week because his parents don’t. I sometimes add an extra £10 if he’s going on a school trip but he knows if he doesn’t text to thank me he won’t get it next time. I usually add a couple of small gifts at Xmas only because I hate just giving a child money and nothing to open but it’s only something like toiletries or pens etc for school. If he didn’t thank me for the larger amounts on his birthday or Christmas he wouldn’t get it or he’s get a very small amount and be told by me as he doesn’t say thank you he obviously doesn’t need my money!

This is a difficult one as I have a good relationship with my daughter and gd, and always get a phone call or a thank you letter. I'd be very hurt if any gift was returned to me saying it wasn't liked. A text message just with "thanx" written is unacceptable, and would also hurt me. Does the OP normally have a good relationship with her grandchildren or not as she doesn't say? In my opinion I'd not stop sending gifts to them, but maybe ask them if there is anything they would like in particular, or just buy a multi store voucher for them in future so they can choose their own. If the OP stops giving anything then that could easily trigger a family argument. However at the same time I can totally see how one would think why bother at all. No appreciation, so what's the point. I brought my kids up to always show gratitude even if they didn't like the gift, as it's the thought that counts. These days parenting is very different though. I believe in moving with the times, but I still have morals, and it costs nothing to be polite and say thank you. I'm thankful my daughter and SIL have taught my gd to have good manners.
I do hope the OP manages to resolve her problem without causing a family rift.

They are plenty old enough to understand what rudeness means. Maybe fizzle out the present giving. It sounds like they take you for granted. My kids were always polite and grateful for all presents given and appreciated the thought behind it. Present giving can mean more for the giver too sometimes. Very hurtful for you. 💐

Instead of seeing the 'texting' thing as sad, after all we are all using a phone or computer to post on an Internet forum, see it as a positive?
Phones and Internet are a way of the world now.

You could text her once a week and see how she is? How's school? What's she been up too?

My DD is 13, if I asked her phone her nan and have a conversation she would shrivel up and melt on the spot.
But she happily, messages my mom and MIL without my input.

My sons prefer that I tell them when I can't use their presents so they can return them to the shop. I admit I find this difficult to do and much prefer they give me small items that I can use and don't take up much space.

Maybe grandchildren would rather be played with than given presents. Mine were the same. Unfortunately I find kids boring unless I am actually doing something with them.

Shocking behaviour. Just send a card until attitudes change..and they will !

VioletSky

I have lots of laughs here 😄

Then you'd be ROFL at Mumsnet 😂😂😂

Such a sad sign of the times Agent007 youngsters using text messages etc.to communicate. I agree with you, it is hurtful.

I have lots of laughs here 😄

It's sad and makes no sense to me undines and as I posted earlier, maybe why the OP hasn't been back to post but might still be reading and heartened by the supportive responses.

FannyCornforth

‘The grandchildren aren’t here to explain…’

The op isn’t here either, and hasn’t been for some while…

😂😂😂
We can chat amongst ourselves.

Violetsky I glance at MN sometimes and yes, it is a huge site but it can be very funny as well as far more outrageous than GN is allowed to be.

My view is a gift given is no longer yours to dictate what happens with it

That is absolutely what DH always says.

I wish I could be tougher about getting rid of stuff that I have been given, too.

Surely you'd rather give them something they want/like than something that will be put in a cupboard and forgotten about? I'm sure many of us have cleared elderly parents homes and discovered piles of "stuff" they were given that they had no use for .
I'd much prefer and do prefer my GC to be able to say "I know it was on my list but now I've tried it on its not really me" Then they can have something that will be them and wear it and remember that I .got them something they like .
My late FIL used to give my children money and tell them "not to waste it onwhatever thing they were interested in that week" or tell them to put it in their bank.My view is a gift given is no longer yours to dictate what happens with it ,maybe the GC in the OP should just have put her unwanted gift on Ebay ?

I'd be absolutely fuming if one of my children asked their grandparent to return a gift if they didn't like it and have the money instead.

But my mother or MIL has never OFFERED to return a gift if one of her grandchildren didn't like it and have the money instead, the OP has in her past post.

So if she did it for one, the kid might of thought it was an option for her too.

If OP wants her grandchildren to have something they like either ask them or give them the money. Then there's no hurt feeling or faffing about returning things.

FC I don't know, I joined MN very briefly once and it was just, overwhelming

I'm sad to see several posters seeming to take the view that somehow behaviour like that could be in any way the fault of the grandparent. It's no wonder there seem to be so few boundaries in behaviour these days and that manners etc. seem to have declined generally. However bad the relationship is (unless there has been actual abuse on the part of the grandparent) behaviour like that is not acceptable. Are they autistic, perhaps? My heart goes out to you 007, but I would say families are not everything. Spend your money on yourself and your friends. I personally would tell them, pleasantly but clearly, why you are no longer sending gifts. Maybe they will eventually grow up and understand they must behave better.

VioletSky

It seems to happen at least 50% of the time

It certainly does. If not more.

Does it happen on MN too?
I haven’t been on MN for ages, but I don’t think it does, does it?

Surely it is easier than ever now to message a reply through text or WhatsApp saying thank you.
Just wouldn’t buy them anything again if they did that to me.
They clearly have had too much given them.

It seems to happen at least 50% of the time

‘The grandchildren aren’t here to explain…’

The op isn’t here either, and hasn’t been for some while…

Not blamed the OP at all, that's very dramatic

Asked what they can do to improve the situation from their end

The grandchildren aren't here to explain that, if they want things they like they should communicate their likes to grandma or that politeness is a good thing they should practice

Also the OP does have distant family relationships, its in their post history. So obviously working on those relationships and having good communication would be a way to improve this situation

Some responses have blamed the OP, so perhaps she's been put off coming back Nellietheelephant but I hope she's been reading the overwhelming supportive ones.