Should we stand up for ourselves? Family feud

I am the older DIL in a similar scenario. My husbands parents know that we are not the cause of the problem but refuse to call out the behaviour of the other couple because they fear it would lead to reduced contact with grandchildren.

We have already completely cut off contact with the other couple (which my in-laws are very upset about, but it’s absolutely not reasonable to expect us tolerate such poor treatment just so they can play happy families) and we’re also reducing contact with PIL because they’ve repeatedly shown that we’re not as valuable or important because we don’t have kids.

My husbands brother and SIL will hold the grandchildren over their parents heads forever and my PIL are letting them behave atrociously to everyone.

By all means “stay out of it” but don’t be surprised if your older son and DIL decide that they don’t want to be subject to such treatment, or people that don’t support them.

If I was your older daughter in law, I would just walk away from the whole situation, and that would include walking away from you, if you found yourself unable to dispute the lies the younger girl was spreading. I would also stop looking at social media.

I see your point with your grandchildren, but you can’t live your life giving into this troublemaker because she holds all the cards. Insecure she may be, and probably feeling unsupported and jealous, but that’s hardly the fault of the other girl.

I suspect that in time the older couple will realise they don’t need any of you, and distance themselves from all of you.

I don't have grandchildren but from all the threads I read I can see how everything changes once grandchildren are present. It is so sad the SILs & DILs can't have the respect for the older generation that was once everyday. I often wonder though if sometimes the grandparents don't try to call the shots too much. There must be a way around these difficult situations. I only wish I knew the answer.

I would stay out of it, in that talking to the fiance will have little effect. And your son must know she is lying much of the time.

But I would be having heart to hearts with the other daughter in law. Looking after her wellbeing behind the scenes. And that of your other son also.

Stop looking at social media is a good idea there is so much inappropriate content causing problems

As for asking sons to intervene, that’s a difficult one, their first priority is to maintain the relationship in their family, it’s a brave man that tries to tell his wife to behave. In a situation like this most would just shrug their shoulders and say “women bitching”

The trouble is it works doesn't it Ihonestlydontcare. What decent parent would use their children in this way?

It would appear that the OP's son is complicit in this Katie so unlikely to remonstrate with his fiance.

If it reaches the point where there is no chance of a reconciliation I would consider family therapy. The therapist would be completely neutral and unjudgemental and allow all parties to express how and why they feel the way they do. You might reach a resolution that is acceptable to all..

This is a really painful place to be. I think if it were me, I'd seek help - starting with advice. I found this on the internet which looks a good starting point.
www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/children-families/familyline/#:~:text=Telephone%3A%200808%20802%206666,family%2Daction.org.uk
Also as pascal30 suggests - find a good family therapist and talk to her/him on your own to get some perspective and maybe find a way forward. I do wish everyone involved well. Blaming doesn't help - maybe understanding will, and you sound ready to understand.

I am in a similar situation, my 2 oldest sons in their 40s have worked hard, one has worked abroad for the past 6 years and has now come home and bought a beautiful 6 bedroomed home, the oldest one has a lovely home as well and they all have new cars, my youngest son has recently married a lovely young girl somewhat younger than him, they have a nice little house (he is only in his early 30s) but at a family dinner last week I noticed some fairly snide comments from her about the lifestyles of my older sons and their families, I assured her that one day they will be the same as they both have good jobs but it made me uncomfortable and I hope it stops there as I won’t want any tension and certainly won’t get involved. Families eh!

You cannot step in..
How can you undo what is on social media? And her husband can't undo it either. The only way is to stay utterly neutral and for the brothers/wives to sort it out between them. Less is more and you'll end up upsetting everyone e if you intervene.
The only alternative would be a family meeting with a counsellor to act as an arbitrator!

I'd tread carefully, your older son may in fact not be childless by choice, they may just say that because they are private reserved people. If so (unlikely I know from what you've said) they, as a couple, may be very hurt and feel very misunderstood as the other couple have lovely children yet still snipe at them and you prioritize the grandchildren. As others say, you're between a rock and a hard place X

I think you should say something to the younger one.
If she is lying and getting away with it this will just escalate until your son and his wife walk away from you completely because of the lack of support.
Many people use the threat of not seeing the GC to get what they want but when they need a babysitter or other favours they soon change their tune.
I would never let someone tell lies about me especially when they would upset someone related to me so much.

You are right to keep out of this one, or as you say, you will end up as piggy in the middle, and possibly end up alienating both couples. It really is up to both of them as adults to sort it out for themselves. Even if they can't, just accept the situation and move on. Don't be tempted to put your oar in. I'd make it clear to both parties that you're not going to get involved, and that you won't even comment on their relationship. Even well meant words can sometimes be misinterpreted and used against you by those who want to do so.

Your son is just as complicit and both need to be told that the lies about your relationship with your d.i.l. must stop. I'm sorry, but I don't agree your son and his fiance need reassurance, they need to be told that this treatment of your d.i.l. wont be tolerated and neither will their threats to stop you from seeing your GC unless you do what they want, when they want.
Exactly.
Why would you do nothing when she is telling lies about you, how hurtful for both you and your oldest daughter in law. No wonder she is upset regardless how mature she is, she is also human. You are putting your grandchildren before the wellbeing of your oldest son and DIL, so you are definitely taking sides. I would be very upset too. Tell her and your youngest son is has to stop now and tell them to grow up. I'm sure they will not want to do without your services for long, and anyway why let them threaten you like that ? totally unacceptable, you are doing THEM a favour not the other way around.

After careful thought I would send both sons and daughters in law the same message. “Dear all, We wanted to make sure you all know how much we love and appreciate you all and are so proud of each of you and our grandchildren. We understand there was some message on social media recently suggesting otherwise but hope you all know that we only have love for you all and our gorgeous grandchildren of course. See you soon xxx” I hope that would deal with the whole thing . Hope this helps

Your post is entitled “should we stand up for ourselves”. IMO there is a vast difference between someone making a few snide remarks about another person “privately” say, at a family dinner, and that individual posting outright lies publicly on social media.
I appreciate why you don't feel able to stand up for your DiL & you've explained that your husband has tried to explain to her why this is. Your DiL is understandably hurt but hopefully she’ll still feel able to have a relationship with you and your DH.
As others have already said, you are between a rock and a hard place. But if I were you, I absolutely would stand up for myself & my DH and would not stand by and let someone tell lies about me as I abhor false accusations being made. Whilst ultimately you risk losing contact with your DGCs, can you really see a happy future for you and your DH if the current situation is allowed to continue?

I would tell daughter in law to either block the other sons fiancee on social media or stop using social media and she might then be a lot happier as she'd be oblivious to the other young womans 'blatherings'!- also its probably how the other one is getting her 'jealousy fodder' as the better off couple have probably posted on there about their nice bigger new house & car etc. Or holidays, new stuff for new house etc and what the lovely posh wedding was like etc?- all shown on there and feeding the seething jealousy of the other one.Albeit unintentionally. If that doesnt help then elder son should have a word with his brother- Lets face it they are drifting apart anyway so its not a big risk.If none of that works then you may have a choice of speaking up yourself or just let the 2 brothers & families drift apart while you stay friendly with both and are careful NOT to give the others any news etc about the other ones.-'speaking from experience'? Yes.

I am not going to say what you "should do" What I will say is don't kid yourself that your relationship with your grandchildren will be safe provided you keep quiet about what their mother is doing. Believe me that ship HAS sailed. the other thing that I think is that by doing nothing, you risk losing not one son but two. If I was your older son I wouldn't think much of a mother who was being used to hurt his wife and didn't do anything about it.

If the lies have been posted on social media, it’s all out there in the public domaine. Someone will be happy to let you know about this so I don’t see how you can avoid saying something. Why do you love this daughter-in-law? She sounds like a piece of work! Fancy putting her nasty thoughts into words on social media! She’s asking for trouble. She would have to balance very carefully, how much help you provide to her family before she threatens to cut you off from your grandchildren - she will always be able to blackmail you like this, so be prepared for a lifetime of it.

It is always a complete mystery to me how people know so much detail about the lives of their adult children!
I would just make sure that your DiL knows you love her and would never say these sort of things behind her back (surely she knows what the fiancee is like?)
Otherwise I would stay out of it.

You really are piggy in the middle with this and have my sympathy.
If it was me and I had personally seen/heard comments saying I hated my dil then I would have to say something. Not fair to you (who else has seen these comments and is judging you because of them) and definitely unfair to dil.
I would meet with DS2 and fiance and emphasise you don't want to take sides and you most certainly don't want to fall out with them BUT any dispute is between fiance and dil and you have been brought into this by some of the statements made. Ask them not to include you in any comments made about dil in the future and say again you really don't want to fall out with them because you enjoy having the whole of the family in your lives.
It may be a bit of a gamble re the grands but I would have to draw the line . You say you help them a lot with the grandchildren so perhaps what's been said in the past were just empty threats, they maybe need you more than they might admit.
Very difficult situation but basically you're feeling 'blackmailed' into not sticking up for what you know is right.

I had this for many years, with my two girls, in very similar situations. I spent many years not seeing one set of grandchildren or the other any one time.
When my husband died it got worst and he was not there to have my back. It is emotionally exhausting and heart breaking. (I had a break down over it all, and had to have a mental health team support me) In the end with their help, I learned to step back ( I never got involved before but used to be dragged in. ) I made it very clear that I do not speak about either girl negatively and if I sent a text its always sent to both no matter what it is about. I also set up a family what’s app chat group so any comments could be seen by all. If anyone text me I add it to the group.
It easy to point the finger and say it’s the younger one but it’s often a lot more complex than that, and in these situations, there is often fault on both sides, ok not always in equal proportions but rarely have I come across and family where it’s just one sided. If there is any kind of favouritism in any way no matter how small that will be picked up on. Indeed, I don’t understand your comment " I definitely struggle, with him, having to fully support his fiancée and the two DC.“ (Quote ) Why do you need to get him to support his wife? That in itself might cause resentfulness. I found that not getting involved means just that. I now have a relationship with both of them but I keep it all very transparent and if anything does get said I just say "oh she hasn’t said that to me she speaks well of you" or "if you think I said that you don’t know me very well I don’t speak badly about anyone let alone people I love", I wont let it go any further.
I wish you well

Yes also you could try what Pigsmayfly suggests first- it is a good idea and lays out EXACTLY to both sides how it really is- from yourselves, not as suggested by one or other of the couples- if it doesnt work then move on to stage 2 as i suggested and tell BOTH women to block each other on social media- why would they want to even see any of the stuff either of them posts if its upsetting to them both? Good luck.

Your younger son’s partner might feel very insecure which could come across as jealousy. Feeling that the other couple have done better, have more, have an enviable life style etc, maybe she’s afraid you think more of them than her. I’m not defending her, it’s hurtful and childish but attacking her will prove to her that she is right. I grew up with a very insecure mother who belittled other women who she actually felt inferior to either intellectually or financially. Would you consider family counselling. If you and your husband go a good councillor would be able to help you both with coping strategies for yourselves and maybe at a later stage help the others in your family. Being effectively held hostage by fear of losing your grandchildren is an awful way to live. Also, unless I’m wrong, it is only that you think this this would happen, it hasn’t been threatened. If you fear that this woman would do this, maybe subconsciously she doesn’t really feel part of the family. I can’t imagine I would have been totally relaxed with my in laws if in the back of their minds they were so worried about me hurting them like that. I would hasten slowly, as they say, and get professional, unbiased advice from someone with experience and objectivity. Good luck!