Holidays with another couple - ongoing

Whether you travel as couples or a group of singles its important to have your own space and not feel dragooned into doing what the group wants. In my case I was beginning to feel like an unpaid tour guide. Being the only one sho spoke fluent French I was doing all the arranging, organizing and translating. So I was told I was "abandoning" the others in Paris because I did not want to do the same things.

I do think this is something you need to discuss at the beginning of the trip - that you (and your DH) are planning to have a few quiet days to yourself but are happy to meet up later for dinner.

I don't think you should pay any attention. You are quite within your rights to have a holiday with just your husband. If this lady sulks when she can't do everything she wants to do, it sounds a bit of a nightmare.

Most of the holidays we have had with other people haven't been very successful, although I enjoy holidaying with my adult children and grandchildren. Apart from that, I find it more relaxing to go with my husband only.

I don't even understand how this friend can be so mad at the fact that you want a holiday with your DH - alone. How can it possibly upset her so much - or even matter?

I can only assume she feels personally slighted because you appear to not want her company... unless she's desperate for yours and can't enjoy a holiday without you!

I think it's absurd. If it were me, she'd be crossed off my list of friends - a real friend would understand that you might need to enjoy a holiday alone with your DH.

The woman appears more like a miffed teenager than a mature adult.

Would never do it but a lot of people do. We have often had a giggle on holiday when 2 couples are away together and they even dress alike! That is taking it to extremes!! 🤣

From what you say it seems as though she is the dominant person in deciding where and what you all do. That is partly also of course down to the rest of you accepting and going along with her version. The more you have done that the more she has felt she has the right to do so. Personally I have done holidays on my own and with my husband and with friends. I am now a widow and resent forking out a fortune for a single room etc. So my way was to talk to a neighbour, who was also on her own, and suggest as we both wanted to go to Barcelona we might share a room. But I did set out what I thought would work. That we could share a room, thus getting a better room at a cheaper price, but that we were not committed to sharing any time together, but do our own thing and not feel we had to share anything, while of course being happy to share something we both agreed on. It was the first time I had done it and it worked well. We did our own things, which were quite different and had one lunch and a couple of coffees together. We were happy telling each other about our days and it all worked very well. I think it would be good if you and your husband sat and wrote down what sort of things you really would like to do on a holiday and see how they matched and what you might do , whether it was sharing something or even going off to do your own thing and meeting up later. You may actually surprise each other with things that you hadnt realized or thought of doing before. After all you run your own lives and chose your meals, furniture etc etc. and dont allow your friend to butt in and organise those things. Well holidays are no different. It is meant to be a reviving cheering break from your normal routine, not trailing along doing things you dont wish to do to suit someone else. It will be sad if the friendship ends over a holiday, but you and your husband will have learnt a good lesson, not to allow anyone else to organise your lives and overule your own choices, and to look forward and think about what you would enjoy doing and making your own plans, not just drift into doing something you havent chosen for yourselves. It may turn out to be a good thing, sending you in a different direction, with or without these friends. Certainly I would not feel in the least guilty about choosing my own trips but I do think that it would have been better, and easier in the long run to tell them straight away and not let it look like a secret or done to specifically upset them. Dont think I would be choosing to travel with them again unless a simple weekend or couple of days.

PinkCosmos Less is more I think.

It absolutely is!! Which is why there should be NO endless justification for an entirely reasonable desire to go away as a couple and no getting pulled into endless pointless explaining!

With your husband I suggest if having the conversation I suggested above to agree a way forward remind him of what he moaned about when you were away with them previously!

Stick to your gums and enjoy a holiday as a couple. If they can do it why shouldn’t you.
It can be tricky holidaying with friends . We have some good friends that we would never dream of going away with. In the other hand we have two couples who we often join as a four or six which are always enjoyable.
Our main rule is that we don’t have to spend 24 hrs a day all doing the same thing. This often results in some of us going on one outing and others doing something else.

Either you or your husband, likely you from the sound of things, needs to grow a pair about this couple. It sounds like neither of you really enjoy your holidays with them so stop giving in to them so easily! My late husband and I would never have gone on holiday with anyone else - I would be the one to say "not a chance" if it came to it - we used to love our few days away together and would not want to be with others and arguing about what to do. We have had occasional days out with others, including family, unless everyone agrees to do their own thing then it just does not work and causes arguments. Keep on booking your own holidays and tell them afterwards - if the friendship is so shallow that they fall out with you over this, then it ain't worth having.

I’m with Gundy on this one.

We had many holidays with good friends and had a great time, but we booked a cruise on our own because we just wanted a relaxed time. However when I told them they said, oh we will book as well. I had to tell them we would prefer to go on our own. Think we offended them but are still good friends

Look on it as a lucky escape,no true friend would say that ( they might think it but would never hurt friends feelings) email her say you didn’t realize how she would feel and leave it,best to get rid of her now,definitely.

When we go away with friends for the first time, we lay down some ground rules. So some days we will spend with them, other days we will do our own thing. Most people seem happy to tag along on that basis. Could this work for you, PC ?

Doesn't seem like much of a friendship to me. I don't like going away with friends for long periods - much prefer DH and family. Either phone her or put it behind you and move on. Can't see you going away with her again.

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with anyone who goes 'mental' when things don't go to plan (theirs).

Granted, it would have been better if you'd made your plans clearer a little sooner, but perhaps if she was a little more open to your thoughts you might have done.

Tbh she seems to be aware that it's a no so I'm not sure you need to say much more about this specific holiday. Next time she mentions it perhaps just say you want to make time for each other on holidays but joint day trips might be fun.

If you have to bend over backwards to accommodate a friendship is it worth it? Perhaps you just think you do and she'll be fine if you're a little more upfront about your own thoughts. Only one way to find out.

Ìf you want to stay friends you could ring her and apologise profusely , call it a misunderstanding , you hadn't realised it was set in stone etc etc .
Add on that you and DH are just getting to that age where you need 2 weeks holiday together alone , pressures of life , of work , some minor health issues and you just need this time together etc etc . You do hope being the good friend she is that she will understand and not take it personally as you've enjoyed past hols together blah blah blah .

Next time be ready for it and nip it in the bud as soon as the suggestion is made ,you're allowed to say if something no longer works for you .

We've done both , hols alone and with other couples and we prefer on our own tbh .
Holidays are expensive and precious and who wants to spend them with a little dictator .
Good luck .

Quite honestly this all could have been avoided if you had said ‘thank you but no thank you ‘ much much earlier in the relationship with this couple …..as you obviously haven’t been that enthusiastic about the holidays you’ve been on with them in the past.

May this whole incident be a warning to anyone who can’t say ‘no thank you’ politely but firmly to anything or anyone that you know who asks you to do something that you don’t want to do!

a long standing friend of 14 years we went away together for a hol,it was strained, uncomfortable, never again.Back home we are back to normal,to this day never worked out why!? Im sure they can work,i'd say give yourselves lots of space if you do.

All you have to do is say “No, Thank You” and Hit SEND. Done. Easy.

As others have said, be firm and straightforward about your feelings. I've got better about this over the years and usually say something like " I'm sorry but "x, y etc" doesn't really work for me any more". Be upfront about it and then everyone knows where they stand.

We have gone on holiday for several years (excluding during covid) with our oldest friends and have always enjoyed it very much. Of course there have been one or two “issues” but nothing serious. Thing is, we go for not more than a week and we each have our own accommodation. The lady and I have similar interests and so do the men. It can work.

People say one should never “assume” as it
“Makes an ass of U and Me”

Knspol - it was mentioned briefly but she assumed it was a done deal that we would be going away with them. My DH didn't help by being enthusiastic during the brief conversation we had, despite saying to me that he also preferred going away on our own. He is as non confrontational as I am

Like others I can't understand your friend's reaction unless you had actually told her previously that you would be holidaying with her. Could this be the case?

biglouis

Never been on holiday with couples but went on holiday with someone I worked with. Then two of her friends muscled in. We went to Paris and they wanted to do touristy things. Ive been to Paris many times so I left them to it and went to the fleamarket, museums and galleries. One of them carelessly left her bag with all her money, travel cheques and passport in a cafe and it was MY fault because I abandoned them in Paris and they did not speak French. To make matters worse I would not go with them to the British Embassy to get a replacement passport.

"We dont speak French."
"I have some good news for you. They speak English in the British Emabassy so you dont need me."

We sat on separate seats on the journey back.

love the Embassy comment... and there's the lesson on going away with people you don't really know.. I also knew people who flew back from unsatisfactory holidays in silence and who haven't spoken since.

Hi PinkCosmos ,

It's really hard when you find conflict upsetting (as most of us do ) but if you really don't enjoy going on holiday with this couple then it's best to book something else and refuse their invitation .

Holidays aren't cheap !

It's your precious time off .

And now she's offended .
She'll get over it.
If she continues to sulk and posture - just let it go .

Don't be bullied .

Two of my friends holiday together .
They go to New York and the same Hotel and the same cafe everyday , because it's cheap .
They window shop .
They are happy together .
They prefer being with each other than being with their husbands .
Going out with them isn't that enjoyable as it's an endless monologue of their inflexible opinions .

I like to go to different places, read up about the history, visit the sites and take photos and do my artwork .
I've been quite upfront about it .

Stand your ground !