I have today, just been ‘released’ from this kind of scenario. Offered to get my neighbour a load of bread after her husband passed away…
Thirteen years later I’m now her next of kin, (no family left in the world) power of attorney (along with her solicitor) and have been her full time carer at times. She’s now 83.
After her legs stopped working a few weeks ago, and she had a ‘soft’ fall (managed to catch her and put her on the floor gently) she has decided to go into a nursing home.
It has been a tough road as she got older and her health deteriorated. She’s been in hospital for almost 3 weeks and still no one knows why she can’t weight bear.
She told all of her friends she wanted to go into a nursing home last week, but a Social Worker visited her on Tuesday and persuaded her to change her mind and go home, with carers from an agency.
She got very muddled, confused, tearful, and just didn’t know what to do.
Thankfully her solicitor stepped in, asked her what her wishes were, and has acted on putting them into place. She will now be going into a nursing home.
It’s a huge relief for me, and after caring for her for all this time, I can now have my life back. No more being at her beck and call, no shopping for her, picking up meds from the chemist, getting her to hospital appts, arranging home visits, cleaning up after her (yes she is incontinent) and taking midnight phone calls as she’s feeling lonely and upset, along with the 30 calls a day I’ve had from her.
Yes, I chose to help her originally. I just didn’t know it would turn into me being a full time carer.
I’d say stay friends, but that’s it. It’s very easy to get involved, especially if you feel sympathy for someone who is struggling.
Stop the shopping - it becomes a chore. And see if he can do online shopping where they deliver. It’s much easier. But let the family step up for him. It’s not down to you now.
Don’t let yourself be emotionally roller-coasted into helping. I was told the more I helped her, the less help she’d get from anywhere else. And that’s proven to be true. I also couldn’t say ‘no’ when she asked for help. I felt sorry for her that she had no one else in the world to help her.
My neighbour will say she has ‘lovely friends and neighbours all around her.’ The reality is they all stepped away from her as soon as they could once I’d started helping her. They weren’t so great after all. They don’t even stay in touch with her now - not even a call, and they live literally in the same block of flats!
But now I can go back to being her friend again, which is how it all started out. I know she’ll be safe and cared for, she’ll be fed and watered and she’ll have people around her after almost 6 years of isolation at home, and not going out. Hopefully she’ll make new friends, and be able to enjoy her bingo and quizzes and sitting in the garden again.
And yes, I’ll visit her in the nursing home. I’m sure your friend would be happy to see you, and if asked for help say what others have suggested.. ‘I can’t step on families toes, it’s down to them to sort things out.’
Wishing you good luck